SD is entitled brat
Hi everyone! I'm new here. I feel like a stereotypical "wicked stepmother" because I truly hate my step daughter.
My husband's ex comes from a wealthy family. She does not work, hasn't for the past twelve years since she was pregnant with SD. She lives with her parents and they pay all her bills, even cell phone and recently bought her a new car. My husband has an irrational fear of going to court with her, so he has always just given her whatever she asks for. He gives her more than half his net pay for child support. She constantly asks for money on top of this, which he nearly always gives her. This leaves me responsible for nearly all our bills. Since none of this is on record, she also received full welfare benefits. All this to say, SD leads an extremely privileged life when she is with her mom and grandparents.
We have SD every weekend and one or two nights during the week. Money is tight for us. We don't have money for all the fancy extras that SD's mom does. SD constantly bitches and complains about everything while she is with us. Nothing is up to her standards. She complains to her mother that "it's boring" here and we don't take her enough places or buy her enough things.
SD is absolutely horrible to my BD. She brags constantly about all she has and does at her grandparent's. She bosses BD around and puts her down.
My husband is a guilty dad. He feels bad we can't give her everything she's accustomed to, so he lets her do and say whatever she likes. No discipline whatsoever.
She is the little princess that no one dares upset her.
It's to the point I can't stand my husband anymore. I think about divorce. Not only am I unhappy, but I feel like I need to protect my daughter.
Im not up on legalities....
Im not up on legalities like some of the folks on Steptalk, but is there a CO outlining the child support and visitation? It sounds so one-sided. I wonder if there could be a modification to ease some of the financial stress?
I know you didn't write to discuss the financials but to discuss SD. You realize you have a Disney Dad there, right? Afraid to parent and discipline because he might lose access, or SD won't like him If you will search thst term on this site, you will find many, many people dealing with this same thing. Unfortunately, I havent seen any quick cure for that. It seems to take some enlightenment, usually from the wife, sometimes through counseling, to get through to them.
I really feel for you. It sounds like a tough situation. And, yes, as you read thru other posts, you will see that other wives lose respect for their DHs who do this. Wishing the best for you.
PS
PS, youre not a wicked stepmother. You are a sensible human being seeing obnoxious behavior to someone you care about
I couldn't stand someone who
I couldn't stand someone who behaved this way either (your DH, that is - your SD, too, but she's like that because he allows it). Sounds like it's time to pull the plug on this marriage.
There is no CO
There is no CO. They've never been to court for custody or child support. He has some kind of irrational fear about it, so he had always just went along with whatever she asks for
Yeah that has to stop.
Yeah that has to stop.
Does he realize that he can't provide her with all of the things he wants because he's giving all his money to her mother (which is supposed to go help SD)?
Nothing to lose
It doesn't sound like he woukd have to anything to lose by going to court.
This is not acceptable. I
This is not acceptable. I would not give her another penny. DH needs to grow some b@lls and take her to court.
1. based off income, she will probably owe you money for CS. He gives her MORE THAN HALF of his income to his EX WIFE? Wow. I have never heard of anything so ridiculous.
2. why would ANYONE to agree to every. single. weekend. ? So you have zero family time with your DH and bios? I'm guessing DH is at her beckon call as far as scheduling goes.
3. If your house is "so boring" SD doesn't need to come over.
4. The only thing DH should be fearing is losing you because of his stupidity and incompetence.
No, my daughter is mine from
No, my daughter is mine from a previous relationship. I have three kids, but my boys are much older. Only one still living at home with us. She's obnoxious to him, too. He's an adult, however and isn't around much and can mostly ignore her. BD is a year younger and forced to interact with her much more.
Welcome to the site!
You should emphatically not be having to pick up the slack with household bills because your DH is giving the lion's share of his income to his exW. This is tantamount to you paying his CS for him, really. Unless he bites the bullet and gets a formal arrangement in place, I suggest that your resentment will only grow, and the relationship will founder.
My husband is an (legal, with
My husband is an (legal, with a green card) immigrant. He's convinced any court action against him, even family court, will cause him to be deported. We've had this argument for years. I know I'll never convince him. I also think he likes to feel he's contributing to her lavish lifestyle, even though that's mostly her grandparents.
He's a legal immigrant with a
He's a legal immigrant with a green card. Can he apply for citizenship? If he can, he should.
My husband dealt with family
My husband dealt with family court in the US while on a work visa, prior to having his green card. He's now a citizen. Dealing with custody issues does NOT get you deported. He's using that as an excuse.
He is a legal resident.
He is a legal resident. Family courts will not look at him differently than anyone else dealing with custody, visitation or support. Unless he represents a high risk of taking the kid and leaving the country.
Sounds like your SO is lacking the stones to stand up for himself in court or to take BM to task for whatever crap she may be pulling.
IMHOof course.
He should consult an attorney
He should consult an attorney and get PROFESSIONAL advice on immigration since he is "so worried" about it. This will calm his horses down.
If you are trying to make it
If you are trying to make it work. Separate finances and make him pay half off all joint expenses he can then go crazy with whatever left over money he has. I don't know if the resent would ever go away because you are going to get stuck paying for everything when the both of you retire.
Time for the bully to get her
Time for the bully to get her comeuppance. Tell your DD to bust her in the mouth when she gets lippy. Kids like this who are social and economic bullies freak the hell out when someone stands up to them aggressively. Even if your DD is much younger, show her how to latch on to SD's hair with both hands and drag her around until an adult shows up to pull them apart. Give DD a couple of scripted responses to SD bragging about how great it is at her Grandparents. "Yea, it must suck that your mom is such a POS that her mommy and daddy have to feed her and you." , "Well, it must suck that your mommy doesn't love you enough to work to give you a home of your own like my mom and dad do for me and you have to live with those old people."
It is also time to inform DH that he will repossess his balls from BM and his failed family spawn and step up and be a man rather than their beck and call bitch.
Tolerating this crap or dancing around on tip toes to avoid pissing off the toxic bended family opposition never works. Time to inform DH that there will be no more EWE visitation crap and at the most there will be only EOWE. He has no need to go to court to do this. He is the NCP. He can just refuse visitation other than EOWE. If the XW/BM decides to withhold visitation on the days that DH wants it (per the CO), he needs to drag her ass to court on a contempt motion for interfering in his visitation.
Since she is completely supported by her parents as well as welfare DH can petition the court to consider her parents income as her income to be added to he welfare when calculating CS. My SS's SpermClan always tried to get my income included for CS calculation purposes. Since the Spermidiot was entirely supported by SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa who owned the home he lived in rent free, paid his CS for my SS, raised his three younger also out of wedlock spawn by two other baby mamas in their home with no financial help from the Spermidiot, we filed a counter motion to have the SpermGrandParents income factored in for the calculation of CS. SpermGrandHag went ballistic in front of the Judge. The Judge accepted our motion for consideration which sent a huge and pointed message to the SpermClan. Ultimately the Judge did not apply the SGP's income for CS calculation but just the fact that the court accepted the motion for consideration scared the shit out of them to the point that they never tried that crap again. Even without the SGP's income CS went up by 600% after that run to court until his arrears for failing to show as summoned was cleared at which point it settled back to a 300% increase for the duration of the CO. That round of court kept them pummeled into submission.
If DH is overpaying and giving money as requested even going to court will likely reduce what he is spending on his prostitution on the installment plan expenses with BM. Right now you need to make it crystal clear that not one penny above the CS set by the CO will go to BM. Not one penny. And.... not one second above EOWE of visitation will occur regardless of what the CO says about visitation. Use that advantage that being the NCP household provides.
Take control. Put your foot up DH's ass to man up. If you don't, nothing changes.
The best thing he can do to
The best thing he can do to calm his fears about court is to know his rights. One can usually get a free consulatation with a family lawyer and he can find out where he stands, but he should also do his own research (I helped my DH a lot in this area).
He DOES have rights, he just needs to know what they are and stop living in fear. BMs love that. They count on it.
But, if he's not willing to stop being the guilty/Disney Dad, knowing his rights will not save your marriage. That is a whole different conversation. Not disciplining his child, walking on eggshells to not upset her, would not work in my house.
Turn the BM in for welfare Fraud
If she's collecting welfare, tell your DH to pay her with checks and put in the memo "CHILD SUPPORT" do this with every penny he gives her, then turn her ass in for welfare fraud.
My husband would love to
My husband would love to become a citizen, but it's an expensive process. Not likely to happen while we're financing SD and the ex's Louis Vittons.
My DH is a naturalized
My DH is a naturalized citizen, and it's cheaper than the green card. We didn't even use an attorney, it was simple to fill out, and we already had all the documents from the green card process.
It's to the point where I can
It's to the point where I can't even discuss this with him anymore. I try to bring up filing in Family Court, or lowering what he gives her, since it's voluntary. Even just stopping all the extras whenever she asks. I get told I'm jealous, petty, trying to compete, and that I don't want him to support his daughter. This is why I feel more and more like I want out.
Supposedly their agreement is we have her every weekend. Lately ex has had a more active social life, however. We had her from last Friday until yesterday (Wednesday) and she's coming back tomorrow. She with us more than her mother and yet we're still paying ridiculous amounts of child support.
Also, husband is working this weekend and won't even be home much. So it's not about spending time with her father, it's me being a free babysitter so her mother can go party.
Well, at the very least, stop
Well, at the very least, stop allowing him to dump SD on you all weekend.
You are being so used, played
You are being so used, played and taken advantage of and you make no changes to end it. Why are you supporting this crap and providing beck and call girl child care services while BM parties and DH takes you for granted?
No more EWE. Immediately inform DH that SD will no longer be welcome in your home other than EOWE and only EOWE and even that only if he is there. If he works on a Skid weekend then she stays with BM. BM can care for her daughter the rest of the time as she is paid to do by the CS that your marital income provides. I am increasingly convinced that it is long past time for NCP's to force manipulative and exploitative CPs to do what they are paid to do. More importantly, I am increasingly convinced that SParents partnered with NCPs need to demand that their SOs force manipulative and exploitative CPs to do what NCP marital resources pay the CP to do. PERIOD! DOT! No discussion, no negotiation. This includes absolutely no additional money going to the CP other than CS or other expenses stipulated in the CO. Not one cent for any reason, ever.
Ball-less cowards like your DH who drag their SO down the drain in servitude to their failed family X and failed family children are pathetic.
Do not support his crap. Demand that he man up and defend the two of you and your marriage from the abuse of his X.
Please, demand and accept only exactly what you expect from your DH and quit serving yourself up on the alter of SParental martyrdom to he and his failed prior family.
"They" can't have an agreement that "we" have "her" EWE unless YOU agree. Apparently you don't agree yet you tolerate this crap from both your SO and his X.
I'm not sure why this comment about your situation irks me so severely but it struck a cord that torques my jaw.
Take care of you.
^^^ THIS 100%
^^^ THIS 100%
I would honestly leave. He is
I would honestly leave. He is a financal burden. Why stay with someone when you are already paying all the bills yourself? Why stay tied to this SD that treats YOUR child poorly just because he doesn't want to go to court?
If you are unable to even communicate with him, WITHOUT him resorting to name-calling and labeling you, it's time to leave. Sounds like he isn't bringing ANYTHING to the table. He is dead weight and you, including your daughter, definitely don't need it.
You're not a wicked
You're not a wicked stepmother -- you're righteously resentful. Everybody gets what they need here except for you. DH has no conflict, BM gets his money and no conflict, SD gets whatever she wants and no conflict. You get nothing. In fact you have to provide for all of this with your time and money.
Does your husband think that being married to him is such a prize that you should be willing to put up with anything he dishes out? No doubt you'd rather raise your daughter in a loving household, but that's not what you have now. And you don't want her growing up thinking that this is what a loving relationship looks like.
I'm not one for leaving a marriage when it gets hard, but it seems your DH won't hear what you have to say and won't address your concerns. I couldn't deal with that. No wonder you're at the end of your rope.
How about a separation? Live separately for a time so that you're out of the pressure cooker. If it's still then more important for him to please BM than it is to please you, well, then you have your answer.
If BM was getting welfare,
If BM was getting welfare, they'd be coming after DH for paternity. Something is missing here.
I've wondered about that
I've wondered about that myself. Friends that have been on it in the past have told me you're required to go to court to collect child support. Not sure how she's managed to avoid that.
Not necessarily. Some
Not necessarily. Some jurisdictions do not require court to initiate or address CS. CS can be initiated by request to the DA's office. At least that was the case in SpermLand. Changes to CS could also be initiated by a request for CS review with the DA's office. If one party contests the outcome of a CS review by the DA, then it goes before an Admin Law Judge for review and a ruling. That hearing is usually held via telephone.
Of course paternity in these cases has been established.
Maybe make a few discreet,
Maybe make a few discreet, anonymous inquiries that might just get the ball rolling?