Ready to End It
Thank you everyone, in advance, for letting me vent here. I have no one in my life I can talk honestly about this with.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6. I have two bio kids at home, DD11 AND DS18. I also have a grown son, 22, who lives on his own. My husband has one daughter, my SD13. My younger two are with us all the time, their father is not in the picture. We have SD every weekend as well as vacations and any time her mother needs "a break." Often it's weeks at a time.
My husband's ex is a nightmare. She is from an extremely wealthy family. Her and SD live with her parents and are fully supported, luxuriously, by her parents. She does not work and somehow manages to receive full welfare benefits, as well. My husband has never been to court with her, neither regarding custody or child support. Basically, he just gives her whatever she demands. At one point he was giving her nearly his entire salary. I supported our household on my own. He has since gotten a better job, but he still gives her a ridiculous amount of money. Especially considering his ex pays no bills, not even her own phone or car. SD is on our phone plan, we pay for her phone. Recently my husband has been upset with me for buying clothes for my daughter but not his. I don't understand why her mother can't even buy her clothes.
SD has an extremely privileged, entitled attitude. She lives large with her mother, then comes to our house and looks down her nose at us. She puts down my daughter, her clothes and the things she has. Yet she gets jealous and has a tantrum if my DD gets even the smallest, dollar store item and she doesn't. She's also immature for her age. She's destroying my house, doing things toddlers do. She jumps on furniture, colors on walls. If dare say a word to her my husband accuses me of being mean and jealous.
I'm sick of the whole situation and ready for divorce. My SD and her mother run my life. I feel dead last on my husband's priority list. He also makes a lot of negative comments about where we live and how he's glad his ex is giving SD "a better life." I used to feel proud of owning my home and supporting my family on my own for many years. Now I just feel looked down on and less than.
Your husband sounds a bit
Your husband sounds a bit entitled, too. He's using YOU and what you have to enable him to enable his ex and daughter while thinking he and they deserve more. Based on what you've written, I'd dump him and never look back. However, there has to be more to the story or you wouldn't have married him. What does he do to enhance your life and that of your children?
Assuming that there's a reason to stay with him (although frankly, I'd have a VERY hard time staying with a man who looks down on me, makes me feel less than and doesn't prioritize me), I'd start by separating finances and insisting that he pay his fair share of all household expenses (and all repair costs necessitated by his daughter) before any money went to his ex.
'he's glad his ex is giving
'he's glad his ex is giving SD "a better life." '
Maybe if he grew a set of balls and stood up to his ex's demands he might be able to afford more and/or better. Why does he not have a court order? I'd be willing to bet his ex is committing welfare fraud by claiming her daughter 100% of the time (no court order to prove the opposite - no wonder she doesn't want a court order), saying she can't find work (not looking for work), and claiming she can't afford a home for her poor fatherless child... Aren't you tempted to make a few anonymous calls.
As for what he's paying her, check up the child support calculator for your state to see how much he would be paying, realistically.
Next time he whines about his ex giving his daughter a better life, maybe you should remind him "you mean her parents are giving her a better life ... that is, if money were all a child needed to have a "better" life."
I don't blame you for wanting to end it with him. Maybe he should get back with his ex if all he's interested in is cash. Frankly, you have much to be proud of. You have raised three respectful children single-handed, you covered all their needs, put a roof over their heads and all through your own hard work. I'd say you have a lot to be proud of! He, on the other hand, has raised an entitled, rude, brat who behaves like someone a fraction of her age and has no idea of the value of money. He's the one I'd be looking down on.
Hold your head up high. Next time he starts bleating about money, tell him to get a second job if he's that concerned about your living standards. He really needs to get a realistic view on life and get his priorities put into perspective.
Can I get clarity on a point?
Hope this doesn't come across as too blunt. I'm in a mood because I've had to work all weekend.
Is the house yours? It reads like it is from your post. It is beyond disrespectful for your partner (not in the mood with him to call him your DH) to be putting you place down. Honestly, I'd love for you to tell him if he hates it that much don't let the door hit him on the way out.
As for baby sitting - say no. 100% no. Its a complete sentence. Or if you want to be a little wordier "That doesn't work for me". Then if they leave the child with you, pack her into a car and drop her off with a blood relative - your partner or the mother or the grand parents. This will cause a row with your DH but you didn't sign up to be everyones free nanny. Or if you feel this is too drastic send your partner a bill for the baby sitting time. And make sure that he covers all his financial contributions to your house before he diverts resources to his ex.
You creating appropriate boundaries may end the marriage but if it was me I'd prefer to have no relationship rather than being looked down on and used.
House is mine
Yes, the house is solely mine, from well before this relationship even started. Because of my own past experiences, I've been very careful to keep everything in my name only. I think, however, this gives my husband an excuse not to feel responsible. They're "my bills" after all.
He should be contributing to the bills
for utilities and some rent which you can set aside for repairs. He may not have equity but he should contribute.
Honestly I'm raging for you. Your partner, his daughter and likely his ex are all looking down at you. This is insane. None of those 3 have an asset to their names (ok, you wouldn't expect it of a minor child) and yet they denigrate your amazing life you've built for yourself. Ugh. I'm so mad on your behalf.
If he doesn't live under your
If he doesn't live under your roof it's going to cost him to live somewhere. He shouldn't get a free ride.
His ex is on welfare and lives with mommy and daddy
How do you not throw that in his face every time he looks down his nose at you?
Constantly told I'm jealous
If I say one negative word about his ex I'm told I'm mean, petty, and just jealous. It's his excuse for everything. I say I'm tired of SD scribbling on the walls- I'm just jealous and mean.
He is gaslighting you
There's a term for it DARVO - "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender".
When you point out the damage he attacks (jealous) and revers the victim and offender by saying you are being mean. This is him manipulating you.
He's delusional.
Jealous of whom? A welfare receipient?
That's a classic manipulator
That's a classic manipulator move. BM included in a letter from a lawyer that I'm jealous of her...for what, I don't know. The only thing I'm jealous of is that BM is able to convince everyone that she is the victim. Your DH sounds immature at best, abusive at worst and he is definitely using you. He's essentially living on welfare, too, because you are providing for his every need, while he spends all his money on SD. Your SD sounds emotionally troubled...a 13 year old coloring on the walls is not normal behavior.
It helps to not give a sh*t
It helps to not give a sh*t what people say - as long as those words have power over you, those who say them can control you.
Reading your post makes me
Reading your post makes me feel ragey. Probably because it hits a little too close to home except your situation is more extreme. Our BM also expected a certain lifestyle that she did not deserve and got more than she deserved in the settlement ... but at least there WAS a settlement and a custody agreement.
There is no way in hell I would purchase clothing for my bratzilla step-diablas nor do I care one ioda if they are jealous of me and mine. Tell your DH she is her parents responsiblility, not yours. Her PARENTS buy her clothes.
I think what you need is an escape plan. I hope there is more to your DH than what you describe here because if I were you I would be kicking his sorry ass to the curb along with the entitled brat.
He took her shopping
After the argument about me not buying SD clothes and her having a temper tantrum this morning about my DD getting summer clothes, DH and SD just came home loaded down with shopping bags. I'm about to lose my sh**.
where do you see this in 5
where do you see this in 5 years? 10? will he be able to retire comfortably or is it just expected that you'll bankroll his retirement too.
one more question: we know what he and his ex wife are getting from you, what exactly is he contributing to your life?
Your post made me angry for
Your post made me angry for you - and it hit close to home. Above poster Ybarra 357's post was fantastic and also mentioned my posts. Please please read my posts, it will enlighten you.
I was in a situation similar to yours in the sense that my soon to be ex husband put his son ahead of our marriage. I left the situation and filed for divorce 6 days ago. My husband put his 21 year old fail to launch son as a priority in our marriage from day one. It got worse over time until it got to the point where he and his son were like a married couple and I was the outsider. I felt like a stranger in my own home as they hung out together all the time, cooked supper together every night, and then ignored me when I got home. Basically, throughout our marriage, I was not allowed to parent his son or have any expectations for him or his son even though I worked and supported them both. He would be absolutely cruel to me and ignore me for days if I said or suggested anything about his son and his failure to launch/laziness. I missed out on family events with my parents, missed out on good jobs, never got to take any vacations or trips for 9 years and all because his son has to come first, it was all about what his son wanted.
Again, please read my posts. Our situations aren't exactly the same but the root of the problem is: husband not putting wife and marriage first. I was second to his son the way you are second to his daughter and ex-wife. No one can tell you what is right for you, only you know that. But please read my posts and re-read yours and think about what you want.
My stepson ran my life. And his dad let him. Happiness is out there. You just have to go get it.
Please take care of yourself and keep us posted. We are here for you!
You have three options:
You have three options:
Please consider what this chaos is doing to your bios and what you're modeling for them as you weigh your decision.
Your H is an arrogant
Your H is an arrogant freeloading POS.
His ex is a fraudster, receiving benefits she's not entitled to.
Your SD is a spoilt, entitled brat.
I can't be clearer than that. Honestly, what is remotely attractive about this man? Does he have any redeeming qualities? I bet he doesn't!
Value and respect yourself more, because after all your hard work bringing up your children and buying your own home, you deserve more! You deserve to have a partner who treats you with respect.
Hun, at 13, sd is old enough to know to not jump on furniture
And colour on the walls.
when ex wife is dictating what occurs in your home and your partner expects you to buy crap for his kids that are not your responsibility, make that very clear they have 2 parents who by courts are deemed solely financially responsible for their kids.
its not your fault he had a kid with an ex who is a bum who is too lazy and privileged to get a bloody job and if sd doesn't get clothes or toys bought by her mum, she can take it up with her.
rain down the law on your partner, he needs to hear the non sugarcoated brutal truth every time he gaslights you. If there is no change or progress and he blames you and gaslights you, and you feel there will be no change, dump this toxic man out of your life, because you do deserve better
i made it clear to my husband 4.5 yrs ago that i would not be last minute surprised by him at checkout to buy gifts for his daughter with my money so hubby could tell his ungrateful selfish self centred daughters that i bought them gifts and they could fake the niceties, that it was very rude and disrespectful and we don't reward crap behaviour with gifts. Since then even hubby doesn't bother buying gifts for his kids
Think about your own kids in
Think about your own kids in this. Do you want your DD to think this is what a woman does? Do you want your son to treat a woman the way your H is treating you?
you have to change something -- therapy for yourself to figure out best path would be a great start.
It’s a matter of NEED
Isn't buying your DD clothes and essentials a matter of need? Your the only parent in her life contributing whilst SD has two parents and grandparents contributing. Your DH is the one that sounds jealous of you being an actual parent to your DD.
Your not SD mother, she's not your responsibility to provide for even though it's your house and your things getting ruined. Keep reminding your jealous DH of this each time he mentions what you don't do for DH or each time she ruins property you own.
Next time DH days he's glad they are giving her a better life, I'd be pointing out that her manners are way behind her age and whilst she is provided with an abundance of "things" what she is lacking is parenting which is free.
Really? Why do you put up with this useless POS.