Does your partner tell you about stepkids’ upcoming sleepovers?
My dancer/performer wannabe drama queen of a stepdaughter invited six of her equally privileged art school friends for a sleepover of undetermined duration. My partner knew about this but kept it from me. They suddenly arrived at the house. After the first evening during which I cooked and fed our guests, the next day he organised for himself to meet his mates at the skatepark which I overheard on the phone. I then wanted to know when the teenagers would be leaving because if he was going to be meeting his mates, I refuse to be left with 6 eighteen year olds led by his daughter whom it seems has an agenda to wind me up at every juncture. I cannot believe he would expect me to look after his daughter and five of her friends while he goes skating with his friends. After a row of seismic proportions, I refuse to leave my room and yes he stayed behind instead of going skating with his mates. Is this quite a common thing that guilty dads do? Say yes to large sleepovers which will involve your participation without asking if you are ok with it? I refuse to have anything to do with it. I have been in my room for three days. I refuse to cook, clean or socialise.
1) Yes, it was wrong of your
1) Yes, it was wrong of your partner not to tell you. If you live together, he should not have ok'd it without checking with you.
2) 18-year-olds?! I didn't think they still had big sleepovers at that age. I certainly wouldn't think these "kids"(lol) needed to be cooked and cleaned for, or babysat at all!
3) Houseguests with no expiration date on their visit is just asking for trouble. You always set a timeframe. Jesus.
Your partner and his daughter sound immature. He has an 18-year-old daughter and still hangs out with his mates at the skatepark. Are you quite a bit younger than he is?
Yes I am 11 years younger
Hi everyone,
thank you for your kind words and support ❤️
Hi Rumplestiltskin
You are spot on, I am younger by 11 years. My partner is 51, he loves skateboarding and is brilliant at it. I don’t mind it so much, it keeps him fit.
I do mind when he goes skateboarding leaving me the only grown up here with 6 eighteen year olds. I don’t appreciate the responsibility.
What if anyone hurts themselves in my watch? No thanks.
I guess i sort of recognized
I guess i sort of recognized my situation in your post. I too have been dealing with a 50-something case of arrested development, Disney Dad selfishness. In my situation, it's not skating, it's pool. It's not one SD and friends but 4 stepkids and a slew of nieces and nephews that show up and disappear out of nowhere. I don't live there, though, and won't. In your situation it may be tolerable if it doesn't happen frequently. In mine it happens more days than not, so i don't see us cohabiting any time soon if ever. The adults in the home should have equal knowledge and equal say in who comes over and when. It's a dealbreaker for me.
What?! Yes, my DH asked me
What?! Yes, my DH asked me about sleepovers. And the most we ever had over was two boys, and only because they were twins. Your partner is being very selfish - this might honestly be a deal breaker for me, that he feels he can allow this and then expect you to cater to them. You shouldn't have to hide out in your own home.
Why did you feel you had to cook for them? At 18, surely they can pool their money and order takeout?
It was wrong, unfortunately
It was wrong, unfortunately more common than it should be.
How very nice of him to "sign you up" for cook and cleaning for FIVE extra adults, thinking it was "no big deal". Funny how he wanted to leave to do his thing without any thought as to helping you with HIS extra guests.
Yea.... I would have caused a HUGE STINK as well.
This isn't a sleep over, it's
This isn't a sleep over, it's six adult house guests. In what world does he think it's ok to have so many total strangers in his home without even informing his wife let alone clearing it with her?
No, my husband has never done
No, my husband has never done this and would never do it because he knows it would not be tolerated. Unexpected guests in our home are not welcome except in emergencies or perhaps a brief visit for a coffee etc.
I'm not sure why you felt the need to supervise 18 year olds, though I get being anoyed that he was going to have fun.
I suspect that she wasn't so
I suspect that she wasn't so much supervising them as making sure they didn't wreck the house or steal stuff. After all, these were people she'd never seen before -I'd probably have wanted to keep an eye on them too.
Hell no would my husband be dumb enough to do this!!
for starters hubby is very firm that me as his wife deserves my privacy in my own home and our bedroom. Heck when ss was 19 he literally barged into our bedroom whilst i was getting changed which he knew as i came out of the shower to him laying on our bed just chilling like it was nothing.
he has never been in our room ever!! I gave him this “gtfo of my room look!!” He knocks barely a minute later and just opens our door. My husband lost it at him and told him i was getting dressed and he said its ok i need to go in and get my stuff and hubby lost it with him. What part of me getting dressed do you not understand
We might have where hubby invites his siblings or father and elder sister to sleep in our home but hubby makes arrangements for food etc. he knows my lofe is hectic with our 2 little ones and not dumb enough to invite people without my permission, expect i be maid butler and chef/cleaner for them and think we’ll have any intimacy after. He knows if he does that then its no sex for a while until he’s gone above and beyond to make it up to me!!
he knows better than to push my buttons
Oh my God, my DH wouldn't
Oh my God, my DH wouldn't have done this in a million years!
He went to pick up SD once, when she was about 14-15 and she and a friend jumped in the car. DH told her, "Nope, not happening", and made the friend get out. He's more laid back about things like that but he knew that I would not be.
Your partner should not have done this without discussing it with you and he should have been the one catering to his princess and her friends.
I would have been livid.
Why supervise? Stepdaughter is a thief
Thus creating an awkward situation in which I am constantly monitoring and locking up my personal belongings. I am paranoid with any visiting child/young adult because we live in the countryside on a rather porous property with quite a few farm vehicles about. (And also because stepkids are so horrid their friends are the same.) So when we have young guests, I hide keys to cars, tractors and mowers and put my personal belongings away. If I am not vigilant enough, my things will get broken and go missing. It’s never relaxing when stepdaughter is about.
I am simply super annoyed my partner didn’t tell me beforehand about this indefinite sleepover. And to think he even thought of going skating to leave me in a situation which stresses me out.
It is psychologically difficult to disengage as stepdaughter goes bad mouthing me at every chance - I am mean, I won’t help her, I won’t do her laundry, clean her room blah blah blah.
I can see the disapproving looks from partner’s mum and of course BM because I am awkward and wouldn’t cater to stepdaughter and her mates on this occasion.
I don’t care about it now whereas it used to bother me what stepdaughter and partner’s family think of me.
However, at present, I would rather sit alone in my room and do nothing than to clean up and cook for a bunch of privileged rich kids.
Honestly - it's your home,
Honestly - it's your home, too. Go tell the kids to pack up, it's time to leave. Clearly your partner won't respect your needs, so you'll have to address this yourself.
"I won’t help her, I won’t do
"I won’t help her, I won’t do her laundry, clean her room blah blah blah."
She's 18!!!!! I won't do this for 12yos. Does your DH cater to this?
My kids were 2 & 3 when they started putting dirty laundry
In the washing machine but god forbid skids or cod are expected to do this and its world war 4.... stupidly enough basic chores bio mum never did even though she was a stay at home mum. She spent everyday meeting friends and shopping. But somehome ss22 told hubby its my job as a stay at home housewife to be maid!!!
the hypocrisy that his own mum isn’t deemed a maid. I started disengagement from that point onwards
You need to have a serious
You need to have a serious talk with your partner. Guests without both of you saying yes are not ok. Expecting you to host this event is taking advantage of your kindness. If this happens again, head off to a luxury hotel and hand SO the bill.
And hand him the cleaning
And hand him the cleaning bill as well as the bill for anything broken or stolen.
Good grief, who the heck thinks it's ok to have SIX strangers settle in for goodness knows how long without even mentioning it to his spouse???
OP, I am angry for you.
Um , WHAT?! So neither SD or
Um , WHAT?! So neither SD or DH even discussed it with you? Absolutely not. If they just "showed up" I would have suggested that they need to coordinate their OWN dinner. Order a pizza on THEIR dime. You should have not done ANY of the entertaining. Period. After they "slept over" the next morning (ESPECIALLY if your husband left), I would have told the other kids time to go home. Whether SD would have left too, oh well.
Also, any of the clean up should be up to them. I would make it clear to them that next time, it would at least be COURTEOUS to give a heads up. Geez.
Thank you all for your support.
I am so grateful for all your replies. Your words make me feel less alone. My partner has a knack of making me doubt myself, I get told “I have the tolerance level of a nazi” and that I am petty and mean. (These comments were made in relation to my refusal to clean up after SD left a deliberate mess involving her period waste. She did eventually clean it herself.) Perhaps because I have never had to deal with stepkids full time until the pandemic lockdown, we have lasted until now. I don’t know how long more can I stay in this relationship. Things have gotten worse not better in the nine years we have been together. I simply loathe my stepdaughter as a person but I can totally see it’s my partner that is the actual problem.
Yes, your partner is a HUGE
Yes, your partner is a HUGE part of the problem, but your SD is 18 and should know better and be more respectful. She deliberately left a mess involving period waste, so she is not blameless. She is definitely a problem, as well as your partner.
I hate it when people say, "You don't have a step kid problem, you have a partner problem." No, you have both, especailly when they are old enough to know better.
Ugh, he not only expects you
Ugh, he not only expects you to cater to her friends for DAYS, he expects you to clean up her period waste? At 18 she should be old enough to hit the garbage can pretty successfully and flush the toilet.
And then he calls you a Nazi and says you are petty and mean? He sounds very immature and honestly, a bit emotionally abusive. What he's doing to you is called gaslighting.
It's time for you to tell
It's time for you to tell them to go home. Make sure you tell your SD in front them that next time she should call you first. You want the friends to understand that she was RUDE! They are not all CODs and peer pressure is a wonderful thing.
SD is a thief, DH is an idiot
SD is a thief, DH is an idiot. Time for web cams all over the house and remote monitoring so you can press charges when SD steals from you.
DH absolutely should have told you and you should have left for hte weekend before DH left for the skate part with hsi buddies. Then had him deal with the destroyed home, etc, etc, etc... from teh art school girl fest.
smh
simple - kick them out
If your idiot partner is dumb and inconsiderate enough to do this, you have the right to kick them out of your home. Call police if needed as they were uninvited by you.
Not only were they not
Not only were they not invited by OP, they were not invited bh her DuH either, the only two inhabitants of the home seeing as SD has a flat she shares with two others. IOW, a guest invited 6 other guests to stay ...
Update - he didn’t go to skatepark but
He invited the skatepark over instead.
Since last night I have twelve people in the house, my champagne got drunk, my pepper shaker part of a nice set got broken. The kitchen is thrashed some of my nice plates got chipped. I haven’t spoken to my partner, I refused to leave my room. This is the final straw.
Wow. That is beyond a crappy
Wow. That is beyond a crappy situation. You have a full house of strangers. What are you going to do now?