Is there any point in confronting stepdaughter when my husband won’t back me?

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Hi everyone,

My stepdaughter is 17 years old. I have been with her dad for eight years. We have been married since she was 11. I have experienced sneaky behaviour from her ever since she was a little girl, but it seems to have gotten more consistent recently.

She is cordial and nice to me and on the whole seemingly quite good company. However, I am on the verge of going mad in my home ever since I have uncovered a slew of steady sneaky behaviour which makes me question her friendliness and apparent genial facade. I have discovered she has been helping herself to my toiletries and uses only my expensive products, but can you imagine she does it stealthily, products I use sparingly she finishes in a week without even saying a word to me. I pick up the bottle to find it empty. I have told my husband about it, he says he would buy me a new one but he never does.

I keep my mini size travel toiletries those one-use sample size giveaways stacked in a pile, When I needed them for a recent trip, I found many of them cut, opened, used and placed back exactly how I have left them! I have told my husband about it but he says I have no proof it is her, we do have two other children, but I know it isn’t our two boys.

On quite a few occasions, I have woken up to her in my trousers which she has taken without asking. I didn’t really mind her borrowing my things, but it means she would have been rifling through my things while I sleep. However, after realising she is going to without fail soil them, lose them, or even outright deny taking them. I am starting to find it rather invasive she helps herself to my scarves and sunglasses.

You have many pairs of trousers, does it matter if she borrows a pair or two is what my husband tells me. I have explained it is the concept of asking first to borrow something which doesn’t belong to you, but he says I am being overly critical. I am grateful she is too big for most of my clothes except my trousers with elastic waistbands.

What she does do openly which incur the wrath of her dad is touch and use anything expensive we leave out. If I leave a luxury bag out which interests her, I would come back to it and it would be either scratched, stained, dented, or simply placed in another spot. I understand her dad is also on the receiving end of this type of treatment as we have spoken about it many times before. The issue I realise now is my husband who lets her get away with it.

I feel cornered in my own home and are questioning my sanity as I hide creams and cleansers rolled up in underwear, lock anything of value to me up. I leave nothing of mine about but the stress is killing me. I have been bad at confronting her myself and have left major disciplining to her dad who never backs me. Is there anything apart from speaking to my husband can I do to get this type of behaviour to stop?

In my experience it won’t get

In my experience it won’t get you anywhere. It’s complete crap to have to hide things in your own home. I have to as well. I’ve tried to confront SS and DH does nothing or denies it now resulting in our marriage ending.

Speak to her directly and

Speak to her directly and tell her in no uncertain terms to stop her thievery and pilfering.
Your husband doesn't care because it doesn't affect him and it is not his stuff.
He doesn't need to back you up because he is spineless, but you should stand up for yourself or the behaviour wont stop.

I know it is spiteful but put hair remover in your shampoo bottle or itching powder in your cleanser and then tell your husband there is no proof you did it when someone uses it.

Why don't you "doctor" up

Why don't you "doctor" up some make-up. Nothing harmful - but something that might glow in the dark, etc.

Yes, I would confront her and

Yes, I would confront her and tell her to stop stealing your things. She's nearly an adult. She needs to be confronted now before her thievery lands her criminal charges.

I would say something to her

I would say something to her whether he backs you up or not. And I would also put a lock on the bedroom door as well as get a locking box for my toiletries and other items I don't want her to use or take. If your DH doesn't like that, too bad. If he stopped the "borrowing" (i.e., theft) it wouldn't be necessary. You shouldn't have to live like that, but better to live with the inconvenience of everything being locked up than having the SD stealing your stuff.

Put a lock on your bedroom

Put a lock on your bedroom door, and put all your things in a shower caddy to keep inside your bedroom.

My SD15 is a thief as well but it seems to be a compulsion she has and she cannot seem to stop herself. I am her only target so I believe it is an outlet for her hostility. She will be out when she is 18.

If she didn't know it was wrong, she would be doing it right in front of you, not all sneaky like.

How about fake tan in cleansers and lotions

you know the darkest most fake orangest you have

when she wakes up or mins later is dark fake orange you have your proof. Hair remover in hair shampoo and conditioner if you’re feeling generous, but remember once you go down this line everything of yours is under lock and key for fear of tampering and also rememeber what stuff you “accidentally” changed the contents.

you can always claim yeah thats my bottle of hair cream remover in the conditioner bottle because its easier to squeeze out, sd shouldn’t have been rudely stealing my things without my knowledge, if she would have asked i could have told her

Then when she chucks a hissy fit to her dad she has to admit stealing your stuff and using it and never again will she.

i think you need to have locks on your door and everytime you leave lock it and only you keep the key with you at all times

the issue here is respect to your privacy. I’d feel weird any of my sd wearing and using my things and very angry. I’m only in a sharing mood with my own bio kids

A code lock and a nanny cam

A code lock and a nanny cam should do the trick. And remind your DH to restock your stolen supplies. If your DH is going to sit back and do nothing, that's your queue to take action.

Henna in all the bottles

I have no idea what color your Sd's hair is, but henna is a great theif detector. I did this to SD38, Leech, when she was a teenager, not only did Leech have redish orange hair, but so did her bitch mother. Leech was stealing my highend hair products and taken them to BM's house.Pay backs a bitch.

made me smile!

Great job!

Borrowing must be

Borrowing must be accomplished with prior approval. Otherwise it is theft.

So, press charges. See how the 17yo and daddy like that.

Or, embarrass the shit out of both of them by turning your home into a locked fortress so that your belongings are always under lock and key.

Locks on your bedroom, closet, bathroom, etc.... All of your makeup in a locked cabinet, etc.....

DH is your problem here. I

DH is your problem here. I would not live like a prisoner in my own home. I have issues pranking a child - even at 17, but I'd have no issue telling DH some of the products are doctored and he better keep SD away from them or she might be blue, hairless etc. I'd smile sweetly and tell him, "If she's not stealing my stuff its not an issue." The alternative I would offfer is him footing the bill for both of your products, especially since sharing is unhygienic and can cause infections depending on what she is stealing.

I would not be above "borrowing" DH's razor to shave my legs to make my point loud and maybe a bit bloody. :-)

Thank you everyone :) your replies made me smile

I am new to this website and your answers made me feel I am not alone. It also seems to be a common theme: the weak indulgent dad. I woke up to a missing expensive jar of facial cream which I found in her bathroom. I immediately galvanised into action, picked up the jar of night cream and locked everything as in everything away. I wonder what to say when quizzed by husband later... I think I would use it as the opportunity to tell him why. I hate conflict and find it difficult to handle confrontations. However, I will channel all your thoughts and at the very least put up a resistance for the sake of my sanity. Thank you for all your replies

Tell him what one of the PPs

Tell him what one of the PPs said, it's borrowing when you ask for permission first (and permission is given), if no permission is asked nor given it becomes theft. Then add that you are considering calling the police the next time something is stolen.

I wonder what to say when

I wonder what to say when quizzed by husband later...

Use his words back at him, Ask him as "I have no proof it is her", why is he questioning it. It's your own belongings and as "Someone" in the family is taking my belongings and I do want MY things stolen. So why is he now asking why your have locked up your things when should not effect any one else.

It's ridiculous that you have

It's ridiculous that you have to live like this in YOUR own home. What does it say about your H that he doesn't address his daughter taking things that DO NOT belong to her.

I know you don't like confrontation but sometimes you just have to. I'd address her in a stern I'm not f@cking around with you tone in front of her father that you are tired of your things going missing and would appreciate that she NOT touch anything of yours again. If she continues to steal from you there will be consequences. Your H may not like it but he has the problem of sticking his head in the sand. So if he doesn't have the b@lls to address his daughter, you will.

"You have many pairs of trousers, does it matter if she borrows a pair or two is what my husband tells me."

As far as this comment....YES it does matter because they are YOURS not hers. How the heck does he manage to even turn this around on you??? He has some d@mn nerve!

One year on - it is worse

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all your replies. In the last year, I have followed the advice of locking everything of value to me in a box so she can’t access them. It really riled my husband but I stuck to the locked box.

I’m writing this a year from my last post about a worsening situation. My stepdaughter is sneakier than ever before and more manipulative than ever. My relationship with my husband is deteriorating to the point of stony silence. We haven’t spoken for four days because I ignored as in outright blanked my stepdaughter when she greeted me.

I couldn’t take it anymore - she smiles and greets me with friendliness - but leaves soiled sanitary pads in unlined bins and goes to the extent of adhering the sticker part of the pad to the window pane. She barges into my room without ever knocking first. She helps herself to my phone charger and will not return it but expects I go to her room to fetch my charger myself. She constantly lies on my bed in nothing but a t shirt and a thong. She’s 18. She’s been living in the West End in a flat share with two flat mates since last year. She’s now staying home because of the Coronavirus which has stopped her studies at an acting school. She does nothing to help around the house and changes three outfits a day. I was doing her laundry for her - coerced really because she makes a big show of doing her own laundry but always leaves them in the washing machine and dryer for me to clear as she leaves for her mum’s place. The last and final time she did that I dumped her clothes on the floor in front of the dryer and left them there. They were left there for ten days. I did that after discovering the soiled sanitary pads and stickers in the master bedroom toilet. We only use that room for sleepovers and she had a friend stay over. I cleaned the toilet and room only for her and her friend to totally destroy it and add insult to injury - the stinking rotting pile of used sanitary towels in an unlined bin and a window pane where lots of sanitary pad stickers are stuck.

I am wrong to ignore her entirely when she returned from her mum’s but I can’t take the fake greeting which is backed up by underlying vindictiveness. She would never accumulate that much washing elsewhere or lie on another persons bed in her underwear, or purposefully be tardier than usual in another person’s house or her mum’s place. Never. She does that with me. She is always winding me up on the sly with her actions, all done deliberately to make me look bad and petty. I cannot believe the level of manipulation I am experiencing. She switched on the tears and said I was mean to her and outright ignored her. She feels uncomfortable about being here blah blah blah which got husband all flustered and I am the mean evil step mum. I finally told my husband about the sanitary pads. I have stopped telling him what she does because he has told me he doesn’t want to hear any complaints about her. His reaction when I said I had left the sanitary pads there for her to clear - can you guys believe it - he said when my son was four he kept peeing on the toilet seat and that he thought nothing of cleaning up after him.

Wait a minute - my son was 4. His daughter is 18. I could not believe I was told I am wrong and mean not to clean up after my 18 year old stepdaughter’s period mess and for leaving her clothes on the floor. I have since been unable to speak to my husband. We have had issues regarding her in the past, he thinks I complain too much about her laziness and messiness. However, I have known this girl for a long time. I see her nature clearly. I am fighting a losing battle but I can’t take having my buttons pushed anymore. I am now convinced things will only get worse as she gets older and reproduces with children just like her. I fear my marriage is over.

Sorry for rant. I haven’t spoken to husband for four days but I refuse to apologise for blanking stepdaughter. I refuse to clear the pile of sanitary towels which are still sitting in the bathroom and the dirty laundry same two loads as from ten days ago still in the washing machine and in the dryer. I love my husband very dearly but I now know he will always side with his daughter no matter what happens and it’s broken my heart.

i know how you feel! i ended

i know how you feel! i ended an 8 year relationship with SS father for similar things. SS12 was very sly, sneaky , manipulative and extremely vindictive. He would steal from me , go through all my draws and cupboards in my bedroom , key my car, slash my belongings i.e my fridge, my kitchen bench, my microwave , my tea towels with knives, he would go through my 18 yr old sons room and steal his things and the list keeps going. he was never caught red handed , all of this was done on the sly which made me very uncomfortable and feel quite unsafe. Everytime i would approach my partner about these things,there would be an excuse or he would say "do you have any evidence he did this" or "how can you prove its him" WTF! i was starting to go crazy in my home. I ended setting up 'sacrifice' items to catch him out ,, and it worked almost immediately,, i left money in my bedside draws etc , and sure enough he stole it,,, only problem was telling Daddy,, daddy MADE him say sorry and that was it, no consequence or anything,, i didnt even get the money back. Cut a long story short, it never changed , just got worse, so I ended the realationship a few months ago. As much as i loved his father dearly and still do ,,, i feel 1000 times better and have control over my own home and life. Unless your husband backs you on this , it will never change. good luck

"I finally told my husband

"I finally told my husband about the sanitary pads."

Big mistake - don't tell him anything, drag him by the ear and show him or, better still, dump the filthy bin on his side of the bed.

On finding her on your bed, "This is my bedroom and you have no business here. Get out."

I know what you are going through

My druggie SD moved back here when she was homeless. She was 54 then. We have a long history dating back to her teens of her moving in and out. This time, she was divorced from #2, her 3 kids were no contact due to her issues and good ole dad took her in. She was always a sneaky thief but I shrugged it off in the earlier days. This time, she managed to steal my silver, jewelry, husband's pain meds after an operation and whatever could be pawned. She also robbed a neighbor. The only answer was getting her out. We subsidize somewhat but we can afford it and it's worth every penny.

Like your DH, mine couldnt/wouldn't confront it. My blood pressure went up while she was here and I was even hospitalized. I wish i had an answer for you. Things are calmer here now but I told my DH if he ever lets her move in again, im keaving him. Not only i but the other 4 kids have talked to DH about her but he says he cant let her go down. She comes about once a week, he has her doing yard work to justify giving her $. I'm nervous when she is in the house and hide valuables. What a way to live.

I'm sorry for you. My experience would say it won't get better. Get her out. Good luck.