Feeling more lost than ever
Let me start by saying that in no way do I think I'm perfect, or that my biological kids are perfect. My children's biological father abandoned them, then when they were about 11 and 9, he came back into our lives only to destroy us by abusing the kids. He is now out of our lives and we are dealing with the fall out. My daughter was the one who was abused. My ex husband is now sitting in jail and we are dealing with the fall out. For the last two years since the abuse occurred, she has been slowly spiraling out of control and into a deep depression. Despite a support system and professional counseling, it doesn't seem to be getting much better. I'm falling into a depression, too.
Yesterday, I found out about something my daughter had done and I completely lost it. I was yelling and screaming, I spanked her on the bottom. My daughter ran out of my house and then my step daughter ran after her. I currently have a major leg injury and I can't get up and down the stairs easily, much less run after them or drive around to look for them. So, I called 9-1-1 and they found the girls and brought them back.
When my husband found out what happened, he was somehow mad at his daughter, my step daughter. I told him I didn't think she should be in trouble, she only did what a sister would do- run after her sister. She did nothing wrong. But he took her aside for a talk anyway. I don't know everything they talked about but I did hear about some of it.
I heard her say she hates this house, she hates being here, she wants my husband to leave me, she hates the food I cook {wtf?}, she hates my kids, she thinks we have too many rules {she has no rules at her mom's house}, she hates everything about us and our family, and she never wants to come back here again.
We just gave her a cell phone- her very first cell phone. She's had it for two days. She started calling and texting her mom to come pick up her. This was last night, the night before Father's Day.
I calmly and respectfully asked her to please not leave. I said that her father had not done anything wrong to deserve being abandoned on Father's Day. I offered to leave for the night if that would make her more willing to stay until the next day. Then, I left. I couldn't drive very far so I just drove to the corner store and sat in my car for a few hours.
Somehow, someone convinced my step daughter to stay for Father's Day and to allow me to come back home, so I did.
I laid in bed sobbing, cried myself to sleep. I can't take much more of the drama with my biological kids, and now it seems like my step daughter has reached that teenage stage where she's going to be constant drama as well. This is only the second or third time she has acted dramatic like that but her older sister and her mom are exactly the same way and I can't take it.
In the last week, my best friend tried to commit suicide, my husband and I both injured ourselves, my daughter gave herself a jailhouse tattoo {that is what I was freaking out about} and I had to last-minute re-arrange our Father's Day plans due to my leg. My step daughter knew all of this had happened and she still took this opportunity to make it all about her. She made this whole argument and this whole weekend all about her.
And while she and I have struggled to get along, struggled to bond, I have never hated her. But this morning, I feel like I hate her. I almost wish I hadn't tried to convince her to stay because if she had left last night, she probably would never have come back.
I don't want to feel this way and I don't really know where to go from here.
Are you in counselling?
Are you in counselling?
I'm going to side with your SD on this one. Your daughter was abused by her father and has been struggling with her mental health. You then spanked her - a teenager who, I am assuming, had already been subjected to physical abuse. It sounds like the person who went to find and comfort her was your SD.
So, after your daughter was hit by you, and your SD went to do what you physically can't (which I'm not faulting that part on you), she gets in trouble and is made out to be the dramatic one?
Listen, I grew up with a hot mess of a stepsister, and there were times that having her be involved in my family life was absolute Hades. My brother BEGGED to live with our dad, not just because of her, but because of all the drama involved with having a blended family and three older siblings who were all teens with all their Teen drama.
Yeah, she likely exploded with more emotion than she likely feels. She's a teenager. But she's also a teenager who witnessed her abused stepsister get hit, then had to be the one to chase her because no one else was around to do it, and then get in trouble for it. I'd be pissed, too, and I'd unload on the person who caused the most recent episode: you, and to a lesser extent, your daughter.
I get that it has been a rough week, but you can't expect a teenager to just suck up being around all this and not feel any of it. I'm sorry that you're struggling, but all because you've had a bad week doesn't mean that SD can't have a bad week, too, or that she isn't allowed to break down in all the chaos at the same time.
So, before you hate her for being what I would consider a pretty normal amount of teen drama over what was a very inappropriate action from you (and her father in his approach), I'd probably start looking at better ways to deal with your own emotional health before you end up causing more damage to your daughter.
I see a whole lot of crappy
I see a whole lot of crappy decisions by just about everyone in this situation.
Parents who cater to children, children who are given far too much authority in the household, a lack of structure, poorly defined standards of behavior if there are any, poorly defined performance standards if there are any, and kids and adults who all need some serious professional help.
It is the job of the adults in this situation to make all of these things happen, to perform as viable adults and viable parents, and to make sure the kids have clear structure, are held accountable and are kept focused on being kids.
You put your X in prison. That is a good start, now get everyone into intensive counseling and quit letting kids run your marriage, your home and your family.
I have not had the tragic experiences that you and all of these kids have had. I was raised in a very stable, loving, standards focused home and family by parents who put each other first and made their kids their top responsibility. Our home was an island of sanity, safety and caring support in what seemed to be a sea of failed marriages, screwed up coddled and entitled kids, and supposed adults who could not even function effectively for themselves much less effectively parent.
I am pragmatic and focus on behavior and addressing discrete problems. So these incredibly tragic shit storms of monumental proportions are beyond my discrete issue focused perspective. I just don't let problems go unaddressed long enough for them to get this out of control.
This is an onion that you and your SO are going to have to peel one layer at a time to get to an acceptable end result.
I hope that you can do that for you, for him, for your marriage and for all of the kids.
Deep breaths, do the work.
Good luck.
All IMHO of course.
Thank you for your comments,
Thank you for your comments, everyone. It was very sobering. Yesterday morning, I realized that I have been not myself lately and I realized that the pain medication I was taking for my injured foot is part of the reason. Apparently, anger problems is extremely common side effect with this medication. Never have I ever behaved that way before.
I have stopped taking the medication and called my doctor to let them know. As far as why I feel this way towards my SD, it wasn't just because of this past week. Surely you realize I've been dealing with her issues for years.
And anyway, yes, we are all in counseling, myself included. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions.
I'm glad everyone is in
I'm glad everyone is in counseling, but a diabetic can show up to all of her doctors appointments and still refuse to manage her diet at home.
Meds might make you feel angry, but YOU made the choice to express that anger with violence against your abused child. I hope your therapist doesn't let that excuse fly.
Large blood glucose swings
Large blood glucose swings can also drive insane mood swings resulting in completely irrational anger and rages over just about nothing.
In my nearly 40 years as a T-1 diabetic I had only one reasonably short period massive BG swings that did result in the insane mood swings. I fixed that in a hurry. My bride did not deserve that I wanted to make sure I never put her, our son or our family through that crap ever again.
So many people use this disease as an excuse. Those people infuriate me. I competed as a state champion level athelete in HS and also competed successfully at the university level then went on to a fairly successful professional career while managing this disease. I have run into many people over the years who make all kinds of excuses about what they do or do not do due to this disease.
I have even had leaders at work meet with me about other diabetics who refused assignments due to being diabetic. I would give my opinion and point out that I had never refused an assignment due to the disease. I also pointed out that each person;s experiences with the disease could be unique but that owning it, managing it and controlling effectively should result in there being no limits on what the diabetic can do.
Not a popular position with my fellow diabetic coworkers but leadership certainly appreciated my flexibility of assignment and my experienced perspective with the disease.