I'm angry
SS15 will be here in 15 days (maybe if he shows up). My anxiety is through the roof. I am not sure why exactly, like I can't put my finger on it. When I think about SS15 I get angry.
I still WANT to be supportive of DH. I still WANT to want to make his visit fun, like I usually did in the past. I still WANT to have a good relationship with him. But I am angry.
Maybe I need to try and get in with a counselor before he get's out here and vent all of my anger and frustrations with him out so that I can fake it while he is here.
I hate that I am feeling like this.
- justmakingthebest's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a completely fair emotion to have considering all that you have gone through. Is your anxiety being driven by the possible unknown? If so, you and your DH usually have a good plan of attack when it comes to your SS so if you haven't talked with DH, it might be time to express yourself.
You are right. I have briefly
You are right. I have briefly talked to DH but with all the Covid crap, my bios around ALL the time and his work schedule (up until this weekend he has had to work a 24 hr shift every 3 day and still do his normal 6am-3:30pm with a 1 hr drive each way) we just haven't had our normal time to connect. I need to tell him how I am feeling.
I know that he doesn't think that SS is even going to show and has just resigned himself to that defeat again.
I have tried "faking it", it
I have tried "faking it", it doesn't help. It just all piles up, until.you cannot take anymore, until you are literally crying for help. Sometimes I let the SSs spend alone time with DH and I treat myself to a spa day or a day with the girls. Best of luck!
I acutally have already
I acutally have already booked a full spa day for the mid point in him being here! LOL
Anger is the only appropriate
Anger is the only appropriate emotion for this situation. I say don't bother faking it. Why should you spare this young man from the reality/consequences of his choices? What does he learn if he can treat you and his father like garbage and still be greeted with smiles and a good time? He learns that lying and manipulating people gets his way with zero consequences.
You are so right.
You are so right.
This is exactly what I was
This is exactly what I was going to post. I'm not saying to go out of your way to punish him or make him miserable, but you certainly shouldn't have to fake anything. I totally understand that he is a child and a victim. BUT, he's old enough to know that actions have consequences and the way he has treated you and your DH has caused you pain. It might not hurt him to be confronted with that directly.
I've shared before that I was
I've shared before that I was always so angry while SS was alienated. Even though intellectually, I understood the dynamic, I still felt so angry at SS. When he came back from alienation, I didn't have much to do with him for a while.
Looking back, I think my anger was about my own powerlessness to fix the problem.
I am definitely struggling
I am definitely struggling with not being able to fix this. I also think I am struggling with the lack of consequences for his actions. I know BM is behind it but there comes a point where he is responsible too and to me at least, we have crosses that threshold and he should be held accountable for his part in everything.
He still hasn't responded to DH about his car for Fsake.
I felt/feel the same way. The
I felt/feel the same way. The hard part is, what are the consequences? He loses his dad forever? DH loses his son forever?
I felt better if I just let DH deal with him at first and I stayed out of it.
The natural consequences for
The natural consequences for lying about people and ignoring them are for them to be angry with you and not want to do you any favors. There was zero help buying vehicles for my skids who were alienated.
It wasn't forever. Once they came around again, the anger dissipated. We still aren't ready to do many favors, though. They are going to have to make more of an effort than just around gift giving occasions.
That is true too.
That is true too.
I don't know what the consequences should be in this kind of situation because it isn't normal. It isn't right.
If I do anything to push him away that could be used in court against us. Maybe the best thing for me to do is be busy, stay away after my kids leave for CA. We all spend the week together, have fun doing things with all 6 of us and then- I work longer hours, visit with my friends and family and just leave it to DH. Go medium chill and just leave it at that.
He doesn't want the car
He doesn't want the car anyway, so DH definitely shouldn't buy one. But if he comes to visit and everyone is angry at him and it's just all consequences, he won't come back.
Agreed, now that's he back, the anger has dissipated, but we also don't do any favors.
(this was meant to be a reply to beebeel, sorry).
I think you are confusing
I think you are confusing anger with hostility. I'm not suggesting that justmakingthebest should be hostile to her SS. Anger is a justified response to this collosally fucked up situation. It does this kid no favors to pretend his complacency doesn't anger his dad and SM. "No, we won't be doing fun thing No. 246 this visit because I'm angry with you due to your choices" is a perfectly acceptable way to address this. And if the kid refuses to come back because he doesn't like those consequences? Good. Offering him cruises and cars hasn't done jack shit to turn his head. Someone in his life has to teach him that people don't like being treated like shit.
On that we disagree - and I'm
On that we disagree - and I'm not confusing it with hostility. I just don't think that's the way to regain a relationship with an alienated kid - one who is being abused.
I did tell DH that I think we
I did tell DH that I think we should be done with offering him the big vacations and gifts. He agreed that unless there is a drastic change we need to limit him WAAAYYY down.
We didn't get him anything for his birthday or Christmas last year due to his behavior and told him that again when he showed up for spring break. He had a few gifts that people had sent us and told him that he would have had stuff from us but since he didn't want to be in our family then we didn't do anything for him. Words have consequences- tell your dad to f-off, you get no Christmas from us.
The one exception might be our spring cruise next year if things are better with Covid. We wouldn't be doing it on my kids spring break since my new CO has them with their dad every year, so they would miss school anyway for a trip. We could do it on SS's spring break but at on the other hand I don't know if I want him there. The other 3 kids love our trips and vacations and want to be a part of it all. If SS wants to behave like this, why should we even make that consideration for him?
I wouldn't do it in his
I wouldn't do it on his spring break, not as punishment, but because you can't be sure he will come and you won't lose money. That would be a natural consequence.
Your anger is completely
Your anger is completely understandable and you are allowed to express those feelings to your SS should he show up. If he's old enough to make adult decisions such as not coming to visit, then he needs to start expecting to be treated accordingly, your anger included. Maybe have him get a job while he is with you guys? At least that way he's out being responsible and earning some money for his "brand new car" when he gets home.
If he spent more than 4 weeks
If he spent more than 4 weeks we would totally have him get a job here for the summer. My kids see their dad out of state and go for 10 weeks. When BS14 gets a little older I hope that he does get a job there for the summer.
Some of these life lessons
Some of these life lessons are better taught early. When you tell someone to fk off then you deserve zero special treatment. Otherwise the other lesson being taught and enforced by your DH is the more abusive SS gets the more his dad will try and buy his affection. It's not a bad thing that your DH fights for visitation but if SS does show up then he should join in on whatever the other kids are doing, then he goes home to BM. Anything extravagant should be taken off the table and if he whines about it tell him it was spent on court fees to get him here. If he showed up like he was supposed to then you'd have more money to afford other things.
The only thing I have planned
The only thing I have planned the weekend when we have all the kids is a deep sea fishing trip. I was thinking about family pictures too since the only ones we have are from our wedding. My kids are on a schedule where there isn't a whole lot of overlap where we have SS15 and my bios at the same time. I think it would mean a lot to DH to have a nice family portrait done and maybe some of him with his 2 sons (and of course some with just me and mine).
I just don't think I will plan anything else for the remaining 3 weeks. DH can (but probably won't because I usually do it all) and if the do something I will just stay home or head to the beach to lay out and enjoy a book and a beer on my own since I can't drink in front of SS.
I dread seeing one of my SSs,
I dread seeing one of my SSs, too. Every time he is here, he complains that DH never buys him anything and BM has to pay for everything. This last weekend, DH told him that he pays child support, so the things SS wants should be covered. SS responded, "well, we have to buy groceries." Kid, if your mother is spending that much on groceries a month just for you and your brother, she needs to learn how to budget. Also, this is the same kid that brags about how much money BM makes and talks about how she's always going to the casino.
I used to think, "oh, I hope DH can have a good relationship with SS", now I've given up on that and just wish he would go away. I avoid him, because he's such a jerk to be around and it only makes me mad to see him.
It may be time for dh to tell
It may be time for dh to tell your ss the cs amount is. Struggling sm..
It makes kids feel safe and secure knowing "WOW, my dad is giving my mom money for meeee"
Now of course lawyers say ---shhhh, do NOT talk about that to kids--never ever talk to them about adult issues.
lol but you will ask for in camera interviews so the child can pick sides? I mean talk to the judge about fee' fees?
I would probably say
I would probably say something like maybe your mom should spend more of the money we give her on you instead of at the casino.
The one thing that SS15 has never brought up is money in regards to BM- I would have no filter and DH would probably have to pick me up and move me out of the room at this point because I know how much I would go off about that lying B.
I'd like to be optimistic.
I'd like to be optimistic. But I think he will not come.
I'm sorry, I'm really stuck
I'm sorry, I'm really stuck on your husband is going to buy him a car?
Seriously?
ETA: i just read your previous post. Personally, I wouldn't give him up to 5k. Not even $5. I get that he's being alienated and all, but at 15 I think he should know better.
Just got an update from SS's
Just got an update from SS's school. They only do drivers ed for a week out there (it's a full semester here that is required for graduation) and it was just announced that rhe summer session is at the end of June. He is supposed to be here so I am sure she won't send him now. Even though he could take it another time, this will be her excuse.
Yup. If it's not drivers ed,
Yup. If it's not drivers ed, it will be something else. She never had any intentions to ever send him to his dad. And I don't believe she'll go to jail as she'll always find a reason for him not going. Pandemics, too dangerous to fly, drivers ed, health problems... sadly people like her often win (they don't care if kids suffer but they'll win).
I hate being so pessimistic but even when you had your court case and judge said she'll go to jail, I had a feeling that she'll never send SS and likely never go to jail, I hate to say but I might be right. I know too many a$$ holes
I don't want to be supportive
I don't want to be supportive of my husband anymore. BM has the kids lieing about abuse so much that he dropped the rope. The court appointed therapist said with her personality type she will never stop causing problems. I'm traumatized by his psychotic son. Bm has made the kids unparentable and f'd up. I'm so over all of this that I wish DH would walk out the door and take this toxic bullsh*t with him. Im done with the inlaws as well. They can get bent. The family court system and DHS is a joke.
I've lost respect for my husband and I'm not sure I can get it back. I'm so disgusted that i have to be associated with someone like her that I don't like my husband anymore. I'm so angry about all this garbage that I have zero control over.
I am so sorry you are dealing
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that!
I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband. He is my best friend and I know he 100% has my back and our marriage is his #1 priority. I could not do this if that was not the case, it would be too much.