You are here

what is with dads and girls?

unhappy_step's picture

after lurking for a while and hesitating to join - up until the other night when i had an incident that had me up late googling how to handle being with a man that has daughters - i finally broke down and signed up. i have read and researched so much and i have to ask, what is with dads and girls?

i just don't understand some of these fathers who are just so weird with their daughters. they don't understand or accept the concept of girls becoming young women. it's so odd to see a father grabbing at a girl who is developing and acting like she's still 5 yo. it seems like DADDIES with their BABY GIRLS are so much worse than moms or dads with boys.

it makes me question whether or not i should even be engaged to a father with daughters. what if it never ends? they are still minors but what if he doesn't change his behavior with them when they are full grown adults?

i don't think that i have the patience to stomach that.

Comments

Dovina's picture

For some it doesnt , but to answer your question just check out the adult stepchildren forum. Just by the titles of the posts says it all "My SD is ruining my marriage"  "Confessions of a mini wife"  etc etc etc . .

It really comes down to how your DH handles the situation, and if he realizes that emotional incest with his daughter(s) is damaging to them.  That is, if that is the case. I am going to assume it must be pretty bad in your opinion for you to  google about this and then blog. Always follow your gut! .Most importantly he starts to correct this unhealthy behavior, and treats you like a wife and his daughters like daughters (again if that is the case). Maybe expand on what he is doing, so we have a clearer picture.

Welcome and best of luck

SeeYouNever's picture

I'm get over it they definitely do. I met my husband when my stepdaughter was six. At that time she was just a little girl. By about the age of 9 she had transformed into an entitled brat. This is both BM and DH's fault. It was about at age 9 that I disengaged, this was not My Little monster. This is also the time that my husband was having a bit of difficulty in seeing her as a older little girl and not a little baby. It helped for me to have a appropriate expectations for her at this time. This resulted in my stepdaughter preferring me and once my husband realize positive outcome that came from having age appropriate expectations he was quickly on board. The thing is with the expectations is you have to do it in such a way that the kid thinks it's fun. for example SD likes to bake and when she was a little kid all she got to do is decorate but once he got older I let her put things in and out of the oven. My husband was cautious about it but once he saw that she can do it he quickly realize that yes she is older and we can have new expectacions for her.

Now she is 12 and an unholy entitled brat. This is most leabians doing because BM has her most of the time. at this age she is bordering on bitch instead of brat. She has begun was holding affection from my husband as a form of manipulation and my husband is not about it all. He has basically told me that if she wants to see us or talk to her she can if not he is not paying the cover charge to see her. SD expects a vacation or a party every time we see her and my husband has decided that in order for her to be able to come to parties or on vacations she needs to see us during normal times too. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

A lot of the dads we read about on ST don't have good parenting skills or a working understanding of boundaries.

My FIL, who was enmeshed with his daughters but held his son to different, higher expectations, did not like women in general and never remarried after divorcing. He was raised by emotionally distant grandparents because his mother was unstable, and was career military. I think he was starved for affection and always wanted a family, but had a broken picker due to his mommy issues. He was drawn to fragile, helpless women who ultimately couldn't cope with his cool, unemotional personality. Picture Spock as a Disney Daddee, that's my FIL.

His son was all boy, and stubborn just like Dad, but Oh, the girls! His daughters gave him that intoxicating, pure love that only children have. They looked up to him, worshipped him, kissed and cuddled him. He got the love he craved without having to navigate the complexities of an adult relationship, and was HOOKED. He adored being a Daddee, and always showered the girls with material things. As their mother spiraled into alcoholism, he encouraged his kids to come live with him, and his house became party central. He never held them to any standards, and was fine as long as he was getting his fix of Daddee Luv. He did not parent; just adored and enabled. 

I think men often get a pass for being poor parents, but society is changing and finally expecting men to step up and even making it fashionable to do so. There certainly needs to be more mainstream awareness of emotional enmeshment. Sometimes I wish there were more steps included in divorces involving kids; more post-divorce counseling, coparenting and single parenting classes, etc. Parenting is much more difficult these days, but there's no qualifications required and culturally we're not doing enough to get the necessary tools into the hands of the people raising the kids. Can you think of any other job where you get hired, but are given no job description, no training, and no performance requirements?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I guess if your FIL wants that to be his life, it's on him to continue taking care of the girls into adulthood after he has made them incapable of independence. If all involved are happy, so be it. But, if he then wants to have a girlfriend or wife, or if the daughters get married , the poor spouses would be in for a hard life. It's probably best that FIL never remarried. And i can't imagine the husbands of the girls want to have to compete with an overbearing military enabling Disney dad! It sounds like generations of dysfunction. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

FIL died some years ago, almost flat broke despite having a generous retirement fund, and the family imploded within a few years.

His daughters and granddaughters had a difficult time, especially the ones he had subsidized for all those years. One SIL is in her mid fifties, and can't take care of herself. None of them have any education, job skills, or have ever lived independently. They are takers, plain and simple. My DH and I stay far away from them. That's FIL's legacy.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Good Lord. I guess that's the future of a lot of these kids we read about here who are being raised by Disney Dads. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Oh it's so weird, I agree!

in my case....it's SD12 who is doing it. I can tell DH wants her to stop. She lays on him....rubs his hair...she can't sit next to him on the couch unless at least half of her body is on top of him...she drapes her legs all over him and it makes me want to puke.

if my DH was the one starting it I would have to say something.....

unhappy_step's picture

so gross. my fiance's daughter doesn't act like that, but she definitely pours on the sugar and knows how to butter him up when she wants something. she is extremely manipulative and she knows to even just ask him a question and make him feel needed in order to get out of punishments or to get what she wants.

Winterglow's picture

So what is wrong with him that he can't just say DD, please stop that. He's a parent for goodness sake! If he doesn't teach her about boundaries, does he want her to learn from any passing male that happens to find her cute? This is his job as a parent! It's time he stepped up and assumed his responsibilities! Good grief, does he think it's all going to be rainbows and unicorns? Kick his arse and tell him to stop waffling about!

Jcksjj's picture

I think some men do view girls as being more fragile, innocent, needy etc. And then theres the whole mini wife, inappropriately replacing an adult relationship thing. I've seen single parents do that alot in general. 

unhappy_step's picture

yes, some men do. it's stupid though. girls aren't more fragile or innocent. in fact, girls are worse than boys these days when it comes to a lot of things. needy? yes, but that's only used to manipulate.

Merry's picture

I don't know that we've had more issues with SD than with SS. In some ways SS was harder. No creepy handsy stuff thank goodness.

But SD definitely has Adult Spousal Status, and has for a long time, even before she was an adult. It's gotten a LOT better since DH has drawn some boundaries, but SD in particular has no problem telling DH what he should and should not be doing.

DH tells me she was always bossy, even as a kid. But rather than correct it, the whole family thought it was just adorable and isn't that just the way SD is? Maybe she's bossy because nobody corrected that irritating behavior? Now that she's 30-something it certainly isn't cute.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My time on ST has taught me that pubescent and pre pubescent girls will sometimes exhibit sexual behaviors, as if they're "practicing" on their dads.

In an intact family, mom or dad would correct the kid, draw a boundary, and teach them that's inappropriate behavior. End of story. But with CODs, any parenting they receive is often diluted. The father may be clueless, or not want to have to draw a boundary with Preshus. Or, there may not be an adult female around to recognise and point out that correction is needed. So the behavior continues, until hopefully the girl matures and finds an appropriate romantic partner.

It's just another example of a childhood behavior that if nipped in the bud is no big deal, but allowed to go unchecked can be very damaging to a child's healthy developmemt.

 

SeeYouNever's picture

This is very insightful. A lot of these girls are just mimicking something they saw another woman do and daddy didn't correct it.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I knkw what you mean. After a divorce, these dads are so afraid to correct the kids, because they fear they won't come over anymore. It leads to all kinds of messed up behavior. Add to that that they may be lonely and accept any kind of affection, and those patterns stick. 

bananaseedo's picture

Yes, I have said the same thing.  In our case, I was the other female and had no qualms correcting it or calling out my DH to correct it.  The mini-wife shi* was strongest with SD from age 10-14.  The relationship is healthy now, and she's doing well but YES, the woman has EVERY right to correct.  In single dads that can be a grandmother, stepmother, aunt, older sister, etc...since 'mom' isn't with dad anymore to correct. 

shamds's picture

Not all dads are treating their daughters in a sexualised manner like they would their wife. Those are very messed up dads to be doing this

MzKayla007's picture

I also found this page when I finally got fed up and needed some answers. Basiclly my boyfriend of 3 years has a daughter who is 7. She still sleeps with her mom.. and have tried to enforce her sleeping in her own bed when she is with us. Like a lot of these posts..I feel as though my bf is very obsessive over his daughter.. not in a weird or sexual manner.. but just overly spoils and loves her. Those are things that make me both happy and mad. So a little of why I am here.. his daughter always wants to sleep with us.. and yes.. nightmares happen.. but I just don't feel like it's appropriate all the time.. and it has gotten to the point to where I will just sleep on the couch because I can't handle it.. yet my bf seems to not care.. she is also only 7 but starting to develop into a young girl. She gets to sleep in just her underwear at her moms.. so she thinks she can do that here.. well I have a problem with that.. anyway.. tonight.. my bf made a bed for her on the floor in our room.. I was struggling to get comfortable in my own bed so I decided to move to the couch for a few moments.. that was not working for me either.. when I went back to my bedroom.. my bf has moved his daughter from the floor to our bed.. and said.. well she's here now. You chose to be out there.. first of all.. I'm pissed because now I cannot even sleep in my own bed.. and I think it's a bit inappropriate that she is sleeping in just her underwear with her dad.. now understand that I know nothing weird is going on.. but I just don't know how to handle it. Can someone please help!!

Winterglow's picture

She should not be in your bed EVER! If she has a nightmare, your bf can go comfort her in her own bed. She should not, under any circumstances, be taking your place in your bed.

MzKayla007's picture

That's what I am saying.. be he doesn't get it!! Right now he won't even speak to me because he doesn't think he is wrong! I feel so lost.. and I just don't even know if I should continue in this relationship!

Lnleach25's picture

Oh I TOTALLY get you. I met my husband when my SD16 was 8. At the time I thought it was cute how he just seemed to think his little girl walked on air!! Now it's just, I'm sorry, f-ing old. She's 16. You haven't done her any favors acting like every little thing she does is amazing. It's not. Trust me. She's never done anything productive really. She does get good grades but that's about it. She hangs out with losers and has never been involved in anything at school but she's just doing great!! According to him. She lives with us full time so that's great for me. I don't know how your situation is but my DH is the definition of the head in the sand dad. Drives me insane. I've come to just ignore what she does or doesn't do for my own sanity but it still drives me nuts towards him though that he's that naive about his "baby girl". 

unhappy_step's picture

isn't it crazy how doting father can turn into annoying, pathetic father once you get involved? everyone acts like my fiance's daughter is cute as a button and she can do no wrong. she is so in love with herself. it's scary. nobody does her any favors by acting like everything that she does is cute and acceptable. it's become disgusting to watch.