Suggestions PLEASE! Extreme homebody SS making everyone miserable
The last 4 or 5 years SS13(only child) has been more and more difficult getting out of the house to do activities. The last year has been awful since SS got interested in video games. Going out to eat is a struggle, going for a walk is a struggle even going in the back yard to play with the dog is a struggle. SS has no problem running screaming through the house with the dog but nope no getting him outside to do the same thing. DH and I love hiking. DH went and got SS a fancy hiking bag($$$) loaded with goodies in hopes to encourage SS. Nope. We literally have to drag SS out of the house to go hiking and then SS is miserable the whole time which makes it miserable for DH and I.
Now even indoor games/toys have little intrest to SS. SS SS had EVERY toy any kid could want BUT half of the items have never even been opened. DH try’s to get SS to play board games and SS refuses.
SS13 mostly wants to play video games. He will take breaks to chase/wrestle with the dogs INSIDE the house or pillow fight with DH. SS will watch TV in the evening or when eating BUT only if we sit with him. So this is basically all SS does when he’s over.
Honestly I could care less. Not my kid not my problem BUT it’s making DH miserable. SS is DH’s only child and wants to do fun things with SS but SS fights with DH about doing anything.
Is this normal teenage behavior? What reason could SS have for not wanting to do Anything except the few things I mentioned?
I don't have teen boys in my
I don't have teen boys in my house, my nephews (11 and 13) do love their computer games but my sister does manage to get them to do some other stuff too. These two love to do sports and be physically active though, which may not be your ss's natural disposition.
Your husband could always turn off the internet for a few hours if he wants his son to do something different. He could also try asking his son what type of outdoor activity he is interested in, probably better than spending $$$ on something hoping to bribe the boy to like it. He might also consider finding a computer game that the two of them can play together so that he gets some time to interact with his son.
DH does play video games with SS BUT
This is all SS basically wants to do with DH or watch tv. DH has tried getting SS into baseball, soccer, Robotics, Boy Scouts, Archery ect but no real interest. BM wants SS to do other things too and will sign SS up for sport camps but that’s as far as she will go. BM is lazy(being nice here) and expects DH to step up and do the Physical work with SS.
That's a great long list of
That's a great long list of things that your husband want's his son to do. Maybe he should think of things that his son might be interested in, or ask him what he is interested in. Think about what kind of games the boy is into and then use that as a starting point to find something that is away from a screen but related to an interest that the child already has.
Realisticly though, if your husband is too scared to even turn the internet off at home for an hour or two a day and try to parent his kid then nothing much is going to change. The situation will just get worse as the child realizes how far he can push his power of mianipulation over his father.
It is time to protect yourself from the situation and find ways to minimise the impact of the lack of parenting on yourself.
Your DH needs to limit his
Your DH needs to limit his video game play, this is not healthy.
DH limited SS's video games at our house, but BM let him play all the time - eventually he stopped coming over to our house, and played games 24/7. Did poorly in high school and now at 20, is living with BM, gaming and doing nothing else with his life.
This level of obsession with video games is really not a good sign.
Agree about setting limits BUT this is
Something DH Struggles with. SS is a brat and with pitch a fit if DH try’s and makes him do something he does not want to do. DH Is afraid SS will refuse to come over if DH pushes him to much. DH and BM do NOT get along and DH knows BM would never back him on anything
My SS did eventually refuse
My SS did eventually refuse to come over or even speak to DH. But at least he tried to be a good father. Is your DH willing to contribute to his kid's failure in life out of fear? Because that's what he's doing.
DH suffers from major depression and refuses
To get help. 99 percent of the Depression is from controlling in your face BM who can afford a better attorney so DH gets screwed over in family court EVERY single time. This has resulted in DH afraid to parent or Discipline step demon since EVERY time he tried he got his ass handed to him in court. So we are now stuck with this spoiled Entitled manipulating brat.
Yes, this is common - I am
Yes, this is common - I am very grateful that despite his fear of losing his son, my DH did not stop being a parent to him. In the end, he did lose his son, for over 3 years - and my SS20 is entitled and manipulative, but at least DH doesn't allow him to affect us and our lives. And he can look himself in the mirror and feel like he did everything he could to help his son be a productive adult, even if it didn't work.
That’s wonderful I’m happy that things worked out for you
I’m afraid DH will never see it this way. He suffers from to much guilt due to both BM and SS. They BOTH know what Buttons to push to get DH to do what they want. DH is Truly miserable but Lacks the confidence to stand up to either one of them. His fear of losing SS Outweighs everything else. DH is a wonderful man just Spineless but with good reason. I’m hoping SS will take a interest in girls soon and get a girlfriend and want to spend time with her and NOT with us at our house. Unfortunately it’s gonna come down to SS to make a move as I don’t see DH correcting this situation of SS running the show
I get it, it's a hard stance
I get it, it's a hard stance to take.
I think a lot of parents
I think a lot of parents really worry about screen time with little ones and then once the kids hit a certain age, it just drifts away... The same rules need to apply though. Video games should be limited to a couple of hours a day. As for dragging him out kicking a screaming- yep. Do it every weekend. My BS14 will go (grudgingly) but SS20 (Autistic and age adjusted to 13) will pitch a fit. It doesn't matter. If the weather is decent- we go to farmers markets (when the are open... stupid Covid), park walks, beach walks, whatever- but we get out and get some sunshine!
If the kids ask to do something fun for the weekend, like zip lining or going to Top Golf, we try to make it work. We can't always because with a family of 5-6 it gets pretty spendy but we try and do something big once a month.
I suggest switching up what you are doing with SS as far as getting out (even though that is super hard right now). Are you near water? Could you try Kayaking? Maybe fishing? If not, what about disc golf at a local park? Just shake things up a bit. He might find there is something he does enjoy- but if not, at least you are not letting him sit at home and rot.
I have to tell my SS that we will be gone for X hours. He isn't allowed to complain for the first 2. If he does, we add 30 mins to whatever we are doing!
Seriously. Good parenting
Seriously. Good parenting involves making kids try different activities even if they protest. My SS20 is a testament to what happens when you let kids just play video games all the time. He's got zero life skills.
We used to take him on activities, too - he'd mutter about it, but almost always have a good time.
I'm going to echo BethAnne
I'm going to echo BethAnne and ask whether DH has asked SS what kinds of things he likes, or if he has gained any insights into what SS might like outside video games based on the games he plays.
My SSs are teens and big on video games. They are not big on the outdoors or sports. However, OSS has a love for music. YSS wants to be a computer engineer in the future and was going to spend a week at a tech camp this summer that he had researched. Both love D&D and have learned how to run games (requires a lot of reading, organization, and math). Both like escape rooms and mental puzzles/brain teasers. YSS likes to read, and OSS speaks/reads some pretty solid French after studying it in school for the past 6 years.
None of these things would have been discovered if DH and BM only exposed the boys to sports and the outdoors. And some of these wouldn't have been discovered had DH and BM not paid attention to what the boys liked in their gaming to find other activities that were similar.
If SS likes FPSs, he might really enjoy paintballing. If he likes racing games, then he might be interested in go-karts or dirtbikes. Your DH needs to ask SS what it is about video games he likes and draw some conclusions based on the titles that SS plays.
It's quite possible that SS is addicted to the games, and your DH is going to have to be comfortable with upsetting SS. I understand he doesn't want to, but if he doesn't want to parent SS, then he needs to stop worrying about the consequences of his poor parenting. SS either is problematic enough that DH acts, or he isn't and DH doesn't need to worry. Anything in the middle will just foster problems in your household because DH will be frustrated over something he won't change and you'll have to deal with it. And I'd point that out to DH, too.
Ok I should have said
DH has asked SS what he would like to do and we get the same Answer “I don’t know”. When DH Suggests Outdoor activities, boardgames, basically anything besides video games SS says no. I don’t think DH is trying to turn SS into a mini him BUT more Concerned ALL SS wants to do is play Video games. We live in a large housing Development and it’s hard to not notice kids riding their bikes or playing in their yard with their parents. DH just wants to share Quality time with his only son. DH WILL play video games with SS but day in and day out it gets old and not healthy.
Now with Covid19 here SS is using that excuse to get from going anyplace. Yes I get it BUT SS won’t even go for a walk down the street and just getting him in OUR backyard is a struggle and SS will only stay out for a max of 10 or 15 minutes.
I hate the "I don't know"
I hate the "I don't know" answer and DH and I both try our hardest to not let that be THE answer anything.
"Well SS, 'I don't know' isn't good enough. Either give me a suggestion or I'll figure out one for us."
You can also try compromise:
"SS, I'll play X game with you tonight because it's fun for you, but this afternoon, I want to show you Y activity because it's fun for me and I think you'd like it."
There is always the limiting approach:
"SS, you get 4 hours today on video games, and that's it. What do you want to do with the rest of the time? I have some ideas if you don't."
Consistency is key. If every weekend SS realizes he has to do something else, he'll eventually find something he likes. The caveat with that, though, is that DH has to not make your home and his visitation an option. SS cannot have the ability to "escape" to BM. Your DH has to be willing to put his foot down and demand his parental rights from the start, and fight to keep them.
The problem is - her DH is
The problem is - her DH is afraid that SS will stop coming over if he parents him. So effectively, he's left with begging and cajoling as his options.
I understand that, which is
I understand that, which is why I mentioned in my post above that that if he wasn't going to actually do anything, he needed to stop worrying about it. But if he is going to do something, and he should IMO, then he has to take the bull by the horns and be proactive. There's no way to get the desired results unless Dad changes his behavior, too.
I can see SS in front of the
I can see SS in front of the judge now- " I don't want to go to my dad's ever again!"
Judge: What happened, why this sudden change?
SS: My dad makes me get off my video games and DO something for like... 4 hours a weekend. I hate him!
Judge: Okey dokey... No custody change will be ordered at this time.
Notice the number 2 in my name????
Wonder where the other “darling” is??? When older SD was 16 she stole money from DH and I to buy drugs, clothes, Electronics. When DH and I were sure we Confronted Older SD and she flipped the F out on us. We told her we would call the police if she did not come clean. This was the LAST time DH ever stood up to his kids 5 years ago. BM instead of backing DH went ape crazy on him. Older SD LIED and said DH hit her and I was swearing at her. NOT even close to true. BM believed older SD and we BOTH got Investigated by CPS AND DH got a Restraining order on him to prevent him from seeing younger SS. DH almost went to jail. $$$$ and THREE years fighting in court it was dropped BUT the damage was done to DH. He was a shell of a man afraid to parent his child.
So you see kids LIE and Unfortunately if they do can cause Serious problems for adults.
SS is Manipulating just like his sister and BM. He would NOT tell a judge DH made him do other things. What SS WOULD say is DH screamed at him or hit him and BM would go to town
I thought you said that SS
I thought you said that SS was DH's only child? Are you saying that because SD has been alienated and DH no longer considers her his daughter?
With the additional information, DH is going to have to make a choice: either parent his kid or just behave like a babysitter when SS is around. Unfortunately, SS has learned that lying works, and that his mom will believe his lies hook, line, and sinker. That puts your DH at a disadvantage.
My recommendation is that you place nanny cams in your home to provide documentation of what ACTUALLY happens, and I'd do that whether he decides to parent or not. I'd also not recommend that DH be in a room alone with SS that doesn't have a camera.
I think this is one of those situations where your DH should possibly just drop the rope. Don't let him be disrespectful in the home, but also don't try to be a parent because BM won't allow it. Unless he can have some sort of civil conversation with BM (I doubt he can), it's likely too risky to do much of anything for SS.
This is just a crap situation.
Oh video games and tv is all
Oh video games and tv is all SD wants to do to this day and she's 22! She'd come over for a weekend and promptly plop herself on the couch and stare at the tv or play video games or be on her phone. That is how her entire weekend was spent. She wouldn't step foot outside. It would be a beautiful summer day and she'd have her mess of blankets around her, the front door shut (even if I had opened it for some fresh air) and the blinds totally pulled so it looked like a dungeon! When she was here for 2 weeks we told her to go outside and say hi to the neighbor girl next door who was a year younger than her and she wouldn't even respond. When prodded she said "Yeah I don't really get along with people my age. They don't understand me. I prefer to hang out with older people". And by older people she would mean people in their 20s because, you know, she was so mature!
And now what does she do? Sits in a tiny, filthy apartment with her boyfriend and his brother, smokes pot, plays video games and goes to her convenience store job because she never finished high school.
Umm. When does someone grow
Umm. When does someone grow up and start parenting this little game head?
First, unplug the game system, put it in the drive way, and run it over with the car. Then.... the kid does what he is told when he is told to do it.
Period.
This is not difficult. All it takes is for someone in the mix to actually be an adult and parent.
The kid has an addiction.
The kid has an addiction. You need to confiscate the gaming system for a long time. Put is somewhere he can't get to, like the trunk of your car.
Also consider putting parental controls on your wifi to control how often it is on.