This is about your SO failing to identify your needs as primary. You can be the mother to all the world but these kids have their own living mother. And regardless of the effort you put into filling the "mother" gap, this will never happen. See, these kids will hold onto the idea that their mother will come around and be the person they really want to be their mother, Someone who is resonsible, loyal, kind, appreciative, financially independent and takes care of her kids.

My daughter has been tossed out of a 2 yr relationship with her dream guy (not) who is a piss poor father and lost one of his children last year to alcohol poisoning. The sad thing is my daughter saw this coming. He allowed his child to drink to excess because "........ will figure it out". He accepted calls from his ex at all hours of the day and night because "we have a 20 yr history". Now he has decided to toss out her and my grandchildren. 

He may be "amazing" (code word around here for good in the sack and not much else) but when do you put yourself first? When are your needs met before others? Men and women should not get involved with anyone else until they can disconnect emotionally and electronically from their exes. 

The fighting is with SO because he will not change. He will not try. He will not compromise. Meanwhile you are expected to just accept his status quo before his because he has kids. You are expected to bend over to their needs becaiuse of the "mother' vaccum in their lives. So basically you are a nanny and maid with bed warming privileges. Not very nice when you look at it like that is it? Because you do not have a say in ANYTHING that remotely puts boundaries on his ex or the kids behaviour.

Sorry to be so blunt but my daughter is finding any reason why her ex is being a prick and she just may go back. I am hoping it is just one of those days. And for the record her ex writes these long winded allorgries and sends her rather obtuese song lyrics... what is he... 15????? Nope, 40.

Wow!  This a lot for a bioless SM: “34 YO, been with my SO 4.5 years now, he has 3 kids. SD12, SS15, SS16. He is 43 been separated from BM since 2011, divorced 2012, had a month thing "for the kids" year after their divorce. We have skids full time now for 2 years.”

I too am a bioless SM and I only had to deal with 2 kids EOWE.  I don’t know how you do it, and you are just starting to go into the teen years with ‘em.  I’m going to take a stab at a guess, but I’d assume that after 4.5 years, and with 2 of those years full time, you are already getting burned out. 

First a couple of things regarding BM.  You should not be taking BM on regarding her own children.  BM’s ex-husband, your DH, should be the one dealing with her, especially when it comes to any criticisms he might have regarding BM’s parenting.  BM and DH are the children’s parents.  That is separate from the situation you now find yourself in, though, where BM is a lazy parent (and probably DH too) and you and DH have these kids with you FT. 

So, you have BM and DH chit-chatting with each other, while you are basically babysitting and raising their children.  Not good.  First of all, you are your DH’s SO.  You are giving up a heck of a lot to be with this man and his children.  You AT LEAST need to be the #1 woman in your man’s life, and not behind BM.  If you don’t want DH and BM chatting, then your DH needs to quit period (outside of discussions regarding the kids, of course).  By trying to claim there is nothing wrong with it and you are the one with the problem, DH is letting you know, supposedly the love of his life, that BM is basically wife #1 and you are wife #2.  Why?  Because they are deciding how YOU fit into THEIR picture, rather than YOU and DH deciding how BM fits into YOUR picture.

So, now you have come to this place where you really have to choose, because of your bio. clock.  You have to choose to either stay and raise these kids, or leave and find a better mate.  This is something I’d highly suggest that you speak with a counselor about, but I’ll add in my two cents.  #1, there is never a guarantee no matter how well YOU THINK you have done with your SKs, no matter how much you have given up for them, etc., that they will even remotely return any favor or kindness to you.  How well you get along with your SKs will have way more to do with BM, in particular, and your DH than it will have to do with either you or any of your SKs.

BMs, as bio-moms, pretty much have all the power when it comes to their kids.  They don’t like you, the odds are pretty high the kids won’t either, and this is regardless of whether you and your DH have full custody or not.  Your DH has the power to counter some of this, but considering that he even now panders to BM, insisting on responding to every one of her texts, he’s not interested in countering any negativity she may have towards you.  In fact, by going along with BM on just about everything SHE wants, he is letting his kids know that she is still the #1 woman in his life, and if he doesn’t have to take you seriously, then they don’t either.

Now, you can either gamble on a crap shoot, because who knows how your SKs will feel about you 5, 10, 15, 25 years from now.  Or, you can go with what works for you?  Because even if you decide to stay, for whatever reason, you need to start doing what works for you first, because no one else is or will be looking out for you.  There are far too many divorced men out there with children who think nothing of turning their SOs into their and their family’s own personal maid, servant, baby-sitter, taxi and bank.  Only, you don’t get paid for any of it.  Instead, you just get to give and give and give.

 I envy what she had/has. It's weird. She got someone to marry her not once but twice! 

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 First off...stop this train of thought.  She is NO better than you just because she caught 2 stupid men.  

My advice would be different if you were married.  BUT...you are not married and it sounds like HE does not want to marry.  Count your lucky stars.  This is an awful situation and you are letting him AND BM walk on you.  Stop it.  

I know you love this guy but he won't marry you...he won't have kids with you...he does not sound like a really good man.  

Note...they took you off the school list.  Then STOP anything to do with the school.  Just stop.  These are not your kids and it sound like BM and DH just want you to do all the work and they make all the calls about YOUR life.  

Rethink this situation hun.  You deserve better.  

I have invested serious emotional, financial, and physical bond to this relationship with the thought of actual not being in it is so so hard. 

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And FYI...4.5 years is not a long time to invest.  15.5 years is a long time so please don't be the one that leaves an idiot after your prime is over.  And make no mistake.  You are in your prime NOW.  Don't waste it.  

I get what you say about having invested a lot in the relationship - I felt the same about my first marriage - I was with the man for 24 yrs but in the end he treated me so poorly that I couldn't envisage the rest of my life with him - I was 44 at the time.  You are still well young enough to have kids with someone but I don't think you want to be doing it with this one.  Him accusing you of wanting to control how he interacts with BM is a dead giveaway - he is not interested in your peace of mind at all.  You have a "dog in the fight" but he is not aknowledging this.  All these interactions with BM affect you as well as him.  My advice is cut your losses and leave.