Yeah, this guy doesn't care about your needs and feelings, only his own.  That's the real issue here. Expect it to extend to other things in your relationship as well, especially as it pertains to his children.  In a healthy relationship, he would consider your needs in your own bedroom, and minimally find a compromise. He won't even do that.

Personally, I'd suggest you find a new boyfriend, or at least get your own place and stay there while his daughter is visiting.

Someone else's kids in bed with you?  No No NO NO NO NO NO!  If he wants to get in bed with his kid, make him get in their bed. 

Skids in your bed? That’s a massive no. Tell your bf I’ve got a kid, and if DH & I ever split up I wouldn’t want her cuddling in bed with his new gf or wife. While we’re on the topic of having kids, being told by someone that you ‘just don’t get it’ because you don’t have kids when you’re mentioning something you’re uncomfortable with is a huge d-bag move. Sharing a bed with an unrelated minor is wrong. I’d be looking for a new bf.

Nope I always thought it was gross and quickly made our bedroom a child free zone. My boyfriend wasn't thrilled about it but he went along with it. If he wanted to cuddle with his daughter he did it in the couch.

can confidently tell you our bedroom in our marital home, hubby’s childhood home or a hotel/serviced apartment is our “private f*ckfest headquarters”

ss was 19 at hubby’s childhood home and i had a shower and recently given birth, ss would barge in and invited himself to lay on my edge of the bed. I can from the shower in a tshirt and towel on lower waist. He laid there trying to challenge me.

i gave him the “get the f*ck outta here before i beat you up kind of look” because it was bloody obvious i was about to get dressed, he promptly left (mind you when i came in the room our not even 1 month old son was waking up and had been crying for 5-10mins intermittently and ss laid there right next to him ignoring a crying baby and couldn’t be bothere to call his dad even.

anyways right after he left hubby comes in 30seconds later and 1 min after ss left out room he knocks and instantly opens it knowing full well i was getting dressed. My husband slammed the door at his face as hubby was at the door. Hubby just looks at the door opening and me getting dressed and had this look on his face like “who is this rude mother-effer??” Yup his son!! 

Hubby told him off “you don’t come in this room!! its not your room!! its my and my wifes room and you certainly don’t just barge in without waiting for someone to respond and hubby tells ss i am getting dressed!!”

Ss says his bag is in our room which hubby tells him off shouldn’t even be there and says he will get his bag and bring it out and ss stupidly says no he will come in and get it himself...

what part of your stepmum is getting dressed do you not understand??

you need that kind of a partner hun because it aint normal to have strangers and non relatives in your room

"You would understand if you had kids."  (Grrrrrr......)  "Well, I don't.  Normal people do not sleep with unrelated children.  In fact, they frequently get investigated by CPS for doing it.  What part of that are you failing to grasp?"

I am guessing that he is the kind of parent who does not understand why his kid is not welcome anywhere and everywhere.  Weddings, funerals, nice restaurants.....ugh....

Turn the situation round and ask him how happy he'd be if his ex's latest bf was snuggling in bed with his kids...

Do not let him gaslight you into thinking it's just because you don't have kids that you don't understand. I have bios and i can honestly say i have a lot more tolerance for them being in my bedroom than my SO's kids. I felt guilty but really gave it some thought and this site helped.

You haven't raised these kids from birth. You don't have an image in your mind of them as babies. You aren't biologically related to them. Maybe their BM is a source of conflict in your relationship. Because if your role as SM, maybe any discipline you do is looked at as you "overstepping." This may make you feel you have less control over their behavior than the bioparent does. If you were to say "get out, i want to be alone in here!" you may get pushback. Their bioparents won't. You may just want a place that's quiet and private to recharge and feel comfortable, where you don't have to be "on." 

For those reasons and more, it is very common for stepparents to not want skids in the bedroom. Having the bedroom kid-free, as a rule, keeps things simple and avoids confusion and conflict. If your SO wants to cuddle before bed, he can go to their bed and tuck them in or read a story. If he wants to spend time with them, he can do activities with them that don't involve being in bed. And he can always hug them any time, anywhere. 

ETA  i no longer allow my bios in my room/bed anymore either. Fair is fair. 

I'm going to be the dissenting voice and say being told that I could not allow kids in my bed would have been a hill to die on very likely when the kids were little.  But DH and I were on the same page, so it wasn't an issue.  Our rule was that the kids had to knock and be invited in.  But we had what we called "big bed Saturdays".  The kids all had twin beds when they were small so our queen sized one was the "big bed".  On Saturday mornings one or more of them would often climb up and in for a snuggle and a chat before they toddled off to breakfast.  To this day my SD in her late teens will knock on the door if I'm reading in bed and bring her book with her to have a quiet time. 

The key here is that you and your DH seem to be at polar opposites. You say the the 5 yo (which is quite young) is NOT allowed in.  Your DH says he wants open access.  Perhaps you could agree on limited time?  They have to knock and get permission before they enter, they're not allowed in there when no one is there, and cuddle time in the big bed is only Saturdays?  I think some compromise should be in order.  If this was a teenager I could perhaps see the fuss, but for a child that young, I would have a problem giving up those wonderful times of connection.

When I was single, my kids pretty much had free access to my room and would come hang out in bed with me sometimes.   It was good times.  

BBBUUUUTTT...when I got married, they were told they were not allowed in the bedroom any longer to hang out,  They could come in if they knocked and were told to come in. 

Now my kids were mid to late teens when DH and I married.  Not sure how I would handle a 5 year old.  Maybe DH can go cuddle in thier bed and not yours...

I had an issue with this too a while back. When DH and I first moved in together, he always wanted to try to get his 8 y/o daughter and I to sleep in the same bed with him, when I told him I was not ok with having a kid who isn't mine, sleep in the same bed as me, he proceeded to having her sleep on the floor next to his side of the bed (wtf) even though I had bought her a damn bunk bed and she had her own room! So I put my foot down and told him our bedroom is a kid free zone whether he liked it or not, and started locking our door at nights when SD was over.  

It's not fair for him to tell you "you'll understand when you have kids" I think it's a stupid comment  because of course if they were your kids you wouldn't mind cuddling with them and their father. But a child who is his and another woman's? Hell no.

Mama told me that if a man is single, there's a reason.  This guys reason is that he is completely unaware and does not care about his partners needs.  

No I would not sleep in the same bed as another womans children.  That's just a CPS call waiting to happen.  

I have a bio child. He wasn't allowed in my bedroom either. Its my space,

Because it's about boundaries and judgment. And a person who would let his or her child in bed with a non-relative has a very poor sense of both. I'm also guessing that the reason the custodial arrangements are different is because he has kids with two different women? I have absolutely no idea why any bio-free woman would even consider getting involved in something so complicated.