Update on DH and DaughterWife/SD24 situation
Hi all,
I found this site a few weeks ago and I have to say a big 'thank you' to all that supported and gave me the hard facts on the dysfunctional...ending up being unsafe...relationship with DH of less than 2 months.
A week ago I left the house that DH and I bought before we married at the end of January. We are both in our mid-50's and both have careers. I lived in the house (not a home) for 43 days.
Look up 'emotional incest' and 'enmeshment' in relationships regarding father and daughter. I did accidentallly walk in on them embracing as he sat on side of bed and leaned across her as she was partially sitting up. DaughterWife is SD24.
DH and I agreed to his SD24 living with us for three months until she finished college. The issues DH and I had prior to us getting married were discussed in couples counseling and he had me and himself convinced that he 'talked to her and everything is taken care of" meaning DH24 will no longer ignore me and she will no longer wear scraps of clothing in front of him. DH and I lived 3 hours apart for several years and SD24 lived a couple hours away from him and me so it was easy for me to avoid being around her/both of them together. In November and December, during the holidays, when she was visiting him (as was I), she was still ignoring me and wearing sexually provocative clothing around him. He promised he would 'talk to her again and it won't be an issue when we get into our house and are married.' This was complete BS!
It took me 34 days of living with both of them in the house to realize that he NEVER talked to her about her inappropriate clothing and about ignoring me. So on day 34, I had a talk with both of them in the kitchen and told her how inapprorpriate her clothing is and her ignoring me isn't going to work in this house or in this marriage. DH stood there red-faced. I told them both that DH has not ONCE backed me by saying something like, "Hey, let's both sit down and talk with her (SD24) to talk about these boundaries we discussed." NOPE...he would get mad at me when I would discuss with him (in the evenings in private) how left out and hurt I felt. He's a controlling narcissist and I'm so glad I LEFT that living HE@L!! Grooming, gaslighting, stonewalling....now no contact. They can have all the time they want now to have their sick relationship of 'daddeee' and DaughterWife.
So I'm waiting on divorce papers from him. He sent me an e-mail last week with 'terms for our divorce' and telling me to leave the nice furniture that I bought before I even met him, asking for wedding ring back, an old rug that he got from his mom to give to me a couple years ago, return a bracelet his mom gave me for my birthday (first gift in 5 years from her), take my name off the house deed, etc. So basically, he and his DaugtherWife run me off and then DH wants me to leave my furniture for THEM to continue to enjoy? He would rather me sit on the floor and do without so he and DaughterWife can be comfy in their love nest. I think not!
SO GLAD I LEFT SOONER THAN LATER!
Any advice on how to navigate the next few months during this divorce from a sham of a marriage? He will try to provoke me by being a tightwad and demanding things that are not his...as evidenced by his e-mail from a week ago.
I realize no LEGAL advice is requested on this page and I respect that. I am just asking for any type of advice or pearls of wisdom!
xoxoxo
Sorry SD24 (not SS!)
trying to edit to SD24
Go get everything and sue the
Go get everything and sue the shit out of him for your interest in the house. Return no gifts. Gifts are not subject to repossession by the giver or the heirs of the giver. Unless.... you can leverage those things to take him for more. If they are important enough to him, make him pay for them.
Make sure you invoke divorce terms beneficial to you. Property to be divided as owned prior to the marriage and any assets or property acquired jointly will be split 50/50 or based on the contribution of each individual to procure that property.....whichever is greater.
Go to war with the goal of total destruction of the opposition and accept nothing less than as close as you can get to unconditional surrender.
I'm sorry you have had to experience this. Take care of you.
I want you in my foxhole Rags!
Well, he put money down on the house that was given to him by his mom (from her late husband).
He sends a nice email to me today saying he filed for the divorce yesterday and stated that 'instead of telling you my terms like I did last week on the email, I want to know what you want.' Trying to be sly and nice. Nope! He's a snake. Then he wrote 'It is now obvious to see that you were planning to leave prior to last week...' Nope, his head was so far up his DaughterWife's booty, DH didn't notice one darn thing that I was or wasn't doing. He's trying to see if I take the bait of him saying that but nope. I didn't reply. Plus he asked me to call him. Nope! That won't happen either, everything will be through a lawyer or email.
When women leave abusive relationships, they cannot announce it to the man beforehand out of fear, they take what they can and get out as fast as they can with no interference or threats from the man. This jerk just needs to be thankful I didn't tear into his DaughterWife at any point during that 45 days.
I'll do research on my rights in this state and see if the VA or military base can provide free legal guidance.
Hmmm, normally I'd urge you
Hmmm, normally I'd urge you to force the sale of the home just to inconvenience your ex and his "lover", but in these uncertain times, you'd probably be wise to cash out ASAP.
Get a vicious shark of a lawyer, hon. Lay the matter in their hands, cut all contact with your ex, and DO YOU.
Yes, shark lawyer!
I am not responding to his email from today. I will find a lawyer here, I have a lead on one firm, I will call them tomorrow.
Yes, I will cash out ASAP and be done. Thanks!
After several calls...I have a shark!
I've gone through several agencies in the state trying to locate a lawyer that can help me get this divorce without my spending more money out of pocket than it's worth. I retained one today for a flat fee and after I told him I mainly need help with the quit claim deed, I answered his questions and he has a plan to 'get you paid for the hell he put you through.' The emotional incest and their physical displays of affection were disturbing to witness.
I still haven't been served yet...my county is still doing this in-person even with the stay-at-home order. His attorney said that ExDH will have to pay for the serving of papers and I replied, 'Well, he can afford the $100, do it" ExDH and his lawyer keep e-mailing me to answer their 'settlement' requests. ExDH keeps wanting to 'talk' and sending me (fake) nice messages to try to get what he wants (everything). I do not reply to his messages. He really thinks I should go through all that and pay out of my own pocket to escape hell...he's in for a rude awakening with the shark. I'm laughing because Jaws was filmed near where I live and I can almost hear that music!
Weekly therapy sessions have helped a great deal plus my psychologist at the VA has been wonderful. Now the beaches just need to re-open and I can get my beach therapy too.
If you are both on the loan
If you are both on the loan do not take your name of the deed without forcing him to refinance on his own or sell. If you take your name off the deed and not the loan ish will go south. There are soo many horror stories on here where ppl can't buy homes or have their credit destroyed by vindictive exes.
If he can't afford the house on his own tooo bad so sad, force the sale.
Name not on loan, just the deed
Thankfully, my name is just on the deed. At first he wanted his mom to purchase the house and us RENT from her. Um....I said no freakin' way will I put myself in a position like that to just be kicked out by his family if something happened to him. He has a terminal illness so my thoughts on that are not far-fetched at all.
Not sure how it is where you are but if you decide to go down
Selling the property route that you state what price range you agre me to (such as original purchase price since it was recently bought) that way he can’t bullshit and demand xyz and abc and prolong this.
He can demand blah blah blah as a delay tactic. Then make it clear in terms of divorce if you get an offer at the minimum asking price (ie original purchase price) that you settle within 30days etc and any delays will incur interest at x percent... it forces his hand
I told him this last month and he laid an egg...
Yep, the one time he and I spoke on the phone since I left and I told him to sell the house and for no less than what we purchased it for and settle it within 30 days, he started screaming at me so I hung up.
Good for you on getting out
Good for you on getting out sooner rather than later.
As for the house . . . I personally would let it go and focus on other things you want. You said you didn't contribute to the downpayment and aren't on the mortgage. The house was purchased in January, so especially with what's going on in the economy, it's highly unlikely there's any appreciation. You and STBX wouldn't be splitting the sales price, you'd be splitting equity, which with transactional costs is going to be less than what he put into it. So while you could try to get half of what was his separate property before marriage (just as he was trying to get YOUR furniture), it might be better to just get what is legitimately your share and be done ASAP. The sooner you have no ties to this asshole loser, the better.
The other piece of advice
I've seen on this site is to ask friends and family about good lawyers in town, call them all for a consult (it's usually free), and then your H cannot use them because they've already talked with you.
Also, look into annulment yourself and ask a lawyer about it. They'd know the rules and the benefits to divorce vs annulment if it's an option.
Your courage and take no
Your courage and take no prisoners approach is inspiring.
Just maybe, due to his terminal disease, he may take his exit and you get everything. Now... that would be Karma!
Enjoy your new life. But be careful when they re-open the beaches. That did not work out so well for Sheriff Brody and his town as I recall. But, it is great that the shark works for you.
Karma is a b*tch and so is DW
It's a very strange thing that after DaughterWife posts about 'seeking revenge' on me through 'Karma' that it ends up back in her face and her health. Karma isn't about seeking revenge, it's allowing her to handle her universe in her way.
Negative health issues have affected both of them and it's unfortunate. Living a clean life and being kind and honest are so far removed from their 'nornal' that is classified as dysfunction, it's more sad than anything. Both are narcissists and her obsession with her looks and body have come back to her in terrible ways in the past year. Humble is somethng they know nothing about. Very sad to witness. The unleashed crazy out in our society is surprising.
Olivia
Could you create a new blog post to update us? I know a lot of people here are pulling for you and would like to know how things are going.
You should never have left
I am sorry that your marriage has disintegrated, but I feel you should never have left. I had the same situation with my DH with my SD and I was seeing a therapist and told her after 9 mos of my SD walking around NAKED and other sick activities that I was leaving. And she told me, why would I leave my house (that I paid for) and my husband. The SD should leave, and I then kicked her out. It has taken a long time for us to recover, and along the way he eventually saw all the games SD plays and is now wise to it. We still have things to work out, but we are better than ever and SD has to be invited into our home and 3-4 hours later she leaves. She wears appropriate clothing and she is no longer allowed to play her sick games.
Get what is yours. Don't give him back a thing, and if the house is in your name, get your share. He is the sick one. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Maybe you are better off but she is the one who should have been kicked out of your marriage, not you.
Considered this...but...
Yes, I considered holding my ground in my home. After I tried several things, I found this site to seek advice. This would not work one bit with my DH being the one that was getting so aggressive with me for even asking, 'Why do you not talk to her about her dress around the house?' and he would come at me with both barrels! If I kicked her out, he would've taken her back in and kicked me out. I saw anger in him that I had never seen before and I had to leave before he laid hands on me more than what he was already doing.
One example, and I laugh now because it's so pathetic. I was in the house one day, unpacking some books for work, in the large living room, SD20 was visiting for a couple days from college (it was her spring break last month), SD20 was sitting in her room, door open, direct line of sight to me, on her electronics ALL day...her sis (SD24/DaughterWife) was in other bedroom. Not ONCE did either of them say one word to me all day! Around 4pm, I text DH and told him, 'it's just sad that even SD20 doesn't have one thing to talk about or say to me?' (Side note: DH20 is majoring in the same career in which I hold a license so there was not ONE thing she could've come out to talk about?) I wasn't angry in my text to DH, I told him it still makes me sad to be ignored in my own home. So I was walking on eggshells around my own home and thinking I said or didn't say something wrong to/around the girls. DH replies and tells me to 'drive back (to where I moved from 3 hours away) and visit some friends and I'll pay for your hotel for the night, the girls are leaving to visit their mom tomorrow.' So he was 'kicking me out' of my own home rather than being supportive or even saying we could air it out when he got home from work. Since DaughterWife lived with us, she has been allowed to ignore me for years, this was one thing that DH lied about being 'taken care of.' DH never spoke to her about this and I thought he did.
He was and is not worth the relationship. He ruined it beyond repair with his displays of anger, physical affection with DaughterWife and the lies that came out after we married...all relationship deal-breakers.
I'm floored that your SD walked around naked!! yikes! I'm glad you were able to set the boundaries and come through in your relationship with DH ;-)
"I am sorry that your
"I am sorry that your marriage has disintegrated, but I feel you should never have left."
I recommend reading her past posts. It quickly becomes obvious that there was no way she could have turned the situation around ...
Thanks for keeping us updated
Im hoping that you will get clear of this sooner rather than later.
Sick sick sick.
Thanks...divorce moving along now
I let the Narcissist/soon-to-be-exH sit for 6 weeks, ignored his and his lawyers messages to settle. This was my power play to F with him and his current 'lack of control' in bullying me to settle while I was still processing the shock, guilt, pain and trauma I endured from him. That trainwreck of a family can run off its tracks! I hope to NEVER see any of them ever again.
It may be wise to reply to
It may be wise to reply to the ex and his lawyer, you said you have a lawyer so your lawyer should help you with the replies. If this goes to trial and you have refused to communicate or make an attempt to settle it will make you look unreasonable and you could be ordered to pay your ex's lawyer/court fees. The rule of thumb is to at least appear reasonable and like you are attempting to be fair and work this out.
I did brief replies to his lawyer...
I did reply to his lawyer a couple times that I was super busy with work (online therapy at the onset of the coronavirus stay-at-home order) and unpacking. I told lawyer that I would get back with him when I could focus on answering the questions that he sent (the settlement on their side) and provide solid responses from the draft replies that I had typed. I answered two of the questions for him to confirm that he received two items after I met him at the courthouse. Soon to be ExH kept calling, texting and e-mailing me...trying to pressure me to settle while I was still spinning and emotional from the nightmare I escaped. I was hoping to NOT retain a lawyer but I don't want ANY reason for almost exH to contact me. Almost exH kept ending his messages with 'I still want us to remain friends, I do still care about you, I'll let you decide about how you want our friendship to look like, whatever you like, etc.' The cunning tactics of the narcissist! However, I did suffer trauma from the abuse I endured during that nightmare so any decisions I would have made without a lawyer would've been under duress. I'm still in shock that I was with a man that has an incestuous relstionship with his DaughterWife. So glad to have this process moving along so I can get my name back and have zero connection with him or that f-ed up family. I'll never have to pay his fees. Thank you, you're exactly right though,
Take your time
I was glad to see your post! Hoping you are doing well. This has got to be so disorienting and hard to deal with. Even though you are making the right decision, that doesn't mean it doesn't rip your heart out. Afterall, you loved this man and planned to spend the rest of your life with him.
Take all the time you need to make a good decision, and don't feel you owe him a thing. He has treated you and your relationship terribly. If you can, get a lawyer. It makes all the difference. If your name is on the house, you deserve part of it. He made you give up your life to move there and now you've got to deal with moving and all this emotional stress. None of that is free. Don't feel pressured by him and the manipulation that he wants to remain friends. How would being friends with this jerk possibly be good for your mental health. Good luck to you, and glad to see your post. Take care love.