Thinking about leaving...
Some of you may remember I have posted before about SS (8) that isn't really my SS because he is not DH's biological son, and SS still has a relationship with BF. Most of you said there was no reason for DH and SS to continue to see each other and said I need to protect my son and demand DH cut off SS. I have tried to fake it for a long time but I simply cannot stand SS being in my home and around my infant son. When SS is here I literally stay in my room with my son the whole time because I can't hide my true feelings anymore. But I can't bring myself to ask DH to cut off SS because he truly loves him like his own, and SS loves DH too. He even calls him daddy and doesn't really care for his BF much. I don't want to leave DH at all but I don't know what else to do... and yes I know I should've realized all this before we got married and had a child. But I thought since I love him so much I would eventually get over the whole "SS" situation but it has only gotten harder. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I want to have more children with him. If I leave I will truly be heartbroken forever. But I feel like if I ask him to cut off SS I will never forgive myself for being so selfish. Please help...
If you do not force it,
If you do not force it, nothing will change. The Mr. Wonderful soul mate perfect father/husband "except for....." stories never end well and for sure they do not result in happily ever after in relationships where the partners are not the priority to each other or where a Skid is allowed to interfere in the adult relationship.
The mind boggles at the thought of a "man" putting a kid that is not even his and his X before his wife and his own children. And I use the word "man" in reference to your DH loosely.
If your FauxSS was a nice kid
If your FauxSS was a nice kid, I'd say stick it out - but he's not. He's mean to you and your son, and that's only going to get worse. I'm sure your DH can't discipline him, since he's not really the father. So that puts you in a position where you are forced to endure a brainwashed BM-bot who isn't even your DH's biological son.
To me, your husband is NOT being a "nearly perfect" husband if he keeps this charade going. He may indeed love the kid and the kid loves him, but he is essentially BM's babysitter. He's supposed to take the kid whenever she wants or else. He is forcing you to endure BM's nastiness, so he can keep this relationship with a kid who is not even his. He's also putting your son in a position to be mistreated by his FauxBrother as he gets older. That's not amazing or perfect.
The truth is, lots of people love their stepkids, and lots of stepkids love their stepparents; and those relationships are lost when divorce happens. Your DH needs to decide whether he's going to hang on to the past and keep treating this ex- stepchild as his own, regardless of how it affects you - or let this go and move forward with you, with a BM-free existence.
You aren't being selfish - he is. It's one thing to endure a nasty kid and BM when the kid is a bio - it's quite another to ask your partner to endure that same misery for an ex-stepkid. AND, letting him go might allow his ex-SS to have a better relationship with his own bio father.
Spot on. This kid should be
Spot on. This kid should be getting to know his biological father, not clinging to a man he isn’t related to by blood or marriage, especially when it’s causing drama within your home & he’s allowing BM to call the shots the way he is. You shouldn’t be worried about feeling ‘mean’, your DH should be concerned about the impact this is having on his wife and actual child more than maintaining a relationship with an unrelated minor. He has no legal obligation to this kid, please tell me he’s not paying CS for him. The best thing for this little boy is for your DH to walk away & his BP’s to step up for him. The best thing for your marriage & family is for your DH to let this kid go.
Maybe something in between
Have you ever suggested that the relationship between your DH and his SS change but still exist? Like maybe he transitions to taking the child on an outing once or twice per month? Out of the house, away from you, but he still has a role in the kid's life.
I think you need to make him understand that his life would get a lot more complicated if you were to leave, if this is really a deal-breaker. It's not a threat, it's just reality that he might be sacrificing the chance to give his own BC an intact family over a child that at some point will probably distance himself a bit anyway.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comment- I never thought about an in between solution. DH has said he doesn't want me to leave and he has expressed to me that he will give up seeing SS for our family if he has to. I just can't bring myself to ask that of him even though it would make everything so much simpler. I will definitely talk to him about transitioning to something like what you said.
so annoying
I know how annoying that must be to deal with a SS who is not really a SS but still feel like you have to have a roll while he is there in your home, DISENGAGE from him. If your husband is a great man to you and also a great father to your child you are blessed, probably feels like he has to be to the SS also. Where is that kids bio father? He is young and should be spending time with his father building a relationship/filling that void.