Let him go and do the wedding/vacation on his own. You are not invited to the ceremony/reception but weddings (particularly destination weddings) are rarely just the ceremony and reception. There will be other informal things going on and you will probably all be staying in the same resort, and it would just be awkward to be around all of that but not welcome as an official guest.

You have done your part, helping with these girls and trying to build a relationship. If it is not there now there is no point in pushing yourself into the space they are making for themselves. Focus on your marriage and do not worry about theirs. If when they are older they want to rekindle their relationship with you then they can try that then. 

Find yourself something else to look forwards to, maybe book your own holiday at the same time or a different trip with your husband for next year. 

Yes of course you go on the trip IF it is a destination you want to travel to.

 Make plans for yourself when they have wedding activities going on.

Curious, did step child tell dh your not invited to the 'wedding"...if so, they cant stop you from traveling with husband. I would not show UP for the cermony if not invited.

PS. Dont forget to Send a toaster or a blender as a wedding gift from you.

Is it money ?  Or BM ?  

I would go with DH since it to another country.  Make it a vacation.  Find something to do the day of the wedding by yourself, or part of a group.  And enjoy the time you have after the wedding day.  Just make sure SD does not make it a wedding week. 

Sounds like DH sending her the "wedding etiquette for stepparents" is what caused this. They assumed it was your doing and now you are the evil stepmother.

Too bad your DH is such a pansy that he can't even say anything about it to his own kids, or even own that it was his idea to send that.

So as is generally the case, you have a husband problem not a SD problem. He needs to be supportive of YOU. He needs to stop tolerating rudeness from his kids. 

Yes, I just don't get this "SM is not invited to the wedding" bull and the men who put up with it. My SD knows better than to pull crap like this, my husband would put her in her place in 2 seconds, flat.

And, I can just imagine the lecture my own dad would give me if I dared to not invite his wife to my wedding. Jesus, talk about a blow out.

Unless you were drunk and dancing naked on the tables, WTF?

I know its not equivalent, but back when Eldest SD, Feral Forger, was 17 she tried to cut me out of graduation from high school. DH then SO declined to go until she produced a ticket. She produced a ticket.

Your HUSBAND needs to get in there and back you up! Your SD's sound a bit spoiled and bratty. I mean, why are they suddenly cutting you out with zero communication? You sound like you have rally tried, and they are somehow ganging up against you.

Perhaps ask our husband what their problem with you is, he seems to like meddling. jk. Sorry you are hurting so badly.

I mean, when SD told her father to disinvite you what REASON did she give?

Looks like you were placed between a rock and a hard place.  You simply could NOT win whatever you did at the wedding.  The dog thing was blown way out of proportion.  It wasn't attending the wedding, just staying at the hotel.  How many other guests at the wedding have pets at home?  If you were cordial to the guests you were overstepping.  If you kept more to yourself you would be 'offish' and unapproachable.  If you insisted on sitting with your DH at the wedding you were pushy.  If you sat at your designated location in the back with the gardeners you were being distant.  It's an old term but 'Catch-22' comes to mind.  And on top of all of this was a man who could not find the balls to support and cherish his wife as he had promised when they got married.

I agree with some of the other posters who say your DH is a jerk.  As Petronella suggested you might ask DH to go to marriage counseling - and you choose the counselor.  He may not want to go because he will be exposed for the a$$ he is.  He SHOULD have sat with you at the wedding.  He SHOULD have sat with you at the reception dinner.  He SHOULD have found out that 'Stepparent Etiquette' as written, has not been updated in decades and does not apply today.  He SHOULD have supported you emotionally and demonstrated to SDs that you were a unified couple.  He SHOULD have told them the dog was taken care of - there was not need to worry.  He SHOULD inform SD's that you are to be respected as his wife.  He SHOULD have told SD #2 that he will not go anywhere his wife his not invited.

Yes, you DO have a DH problem.  The same one I had for 28 years but my DH is on notice: If he ever wimps out on me again he will be out the door.  Stop this B.S. now.  Inform your DH that respect in marriage goes both ways.  It's just not worth staying with a man who refuses to man up.  Good luck.

Even if the dog shouldn't have come, they would have found fault with you over something. When they go this direction, it is downhill all the way for SM. Nothing she can do; and you will do nothing right. So, stop beating yourself up and asking yourself if you want to be around people so critical of you after all these years and all the work you have done most likely?

Hate to tell you, but sure you know by now....you are married to a doormat daddeee like most of us here.....He is not going to step up and be a real father or husband with respect to adult kids.  They do not change most of the time.  We have to figure out a way to protect our own lives and find happiness away from their sickly enmeshment that never goes away.

Damned straight you go.  And if DH is at the ceremony, you are on his arm.  This is just crap and the only way to deal with the crap that dogs and idiots put in an inappropriate place is to rub their noses in it while you swat them on the rump.

Get to rubbing and swatting... figuratively of course.

Go, make sure you are hitting the gym daily between now and next june, do the full meal deal makeover, regular skin care salon visits and put together a killer wardrobe from your favorite boutique/designers special just for the trip.  Walk in on your DH's arm radiating how happy you are and throughout the whole event lean over and whisper suggestive things in DH's ear and flirt with him like a fiend. His flushed face and grin will be a great testament to the whole happy couple vibe.   Be radiant, be bright, be confident, engage with everyone in a positive and pleasant way.  If the bride and BM get RBF during the event due to your presence..... even better.   They will be the ones who are ruining the event, not you. They will be the ones making a negative impression on all in attendance, not you.

An invitation to a parent includes the parent's spouse. Period. DH needs to have your back and confront any crap from his spawn and X.  You just be you and do it radiantly and full of joy.

Cockroaches rush for the shadowy corner when a bright light is turned on in the roach filled room.  Be the radiant light. The roaches will scurry.

Who the hell invites one half of a married couple to their wedding? You invite both halves - or neither. Anything else is just plain rude.

SD is not respecting you, her father  or your relationship by sending this invite. OH should be making it very clear that he will not be going without you by his side. Then again, he should have grown a pair after the first wedding and acknowledged that the presence of the dog had as much to do with him as it did you, instead of allowing all blame to fall on you.

If you accept this treatment now, OH is enabling their behaviour and it will continue to get much worse.

Then begin to understand that the weddings may be the catalysts for deeper issues, which have now come to forefront.

Others have identified multiple problems not only that you may have done but also including things that your DH has done, your SDs have done, and perhaps even BM has done behind the scenes.   Don't make yourself the "problem" here because others are guilty too.   But I agree with others that your DH is the ringleader so he should be trying to coordinate this circus he's created.  Including the snarling SDs.

Thankfully, the wedding is still a long way off.  In the interim, if I were you, I'd stop talking to your DH about the wedding for now.  Disengage from anything related to the SDs, too.  Go to the boards here on STalk about "Disengaging" which you will find helpful.   If you disengage, you will find it may be helpful to your overall perspective and it will give you a chance to catch your emotional breath.  

While you are in disengagement status, it will give you an opportunity to come to grips with the fact that despite your efforts, the SDs see you as disposable.  This is enforced by your DH's inability to step up and speak out for you.  So you are disposable to him in a certain respect, too.  Which is shameful, but it's obvious that's his stance. When it comes to his daughters and you, the daughters will win out every time.   

Do not invest any more of your time or energy into the SDs for the next few months.  That includes communicating with them, visiting them, giving gifts, etc.  If they come to your home, find an excuse to politely leave while they are there.  You can say you must visit a sick friend, then go out and do whatever you want for the day.  

I can understand how hurtful this is for you.  You don't have children of your own and you were hopeful that you had developed a caring relationship with your SDs and gskids where you were viewed as a part of the family.  The truth is you were never part of their family and never will be.  They merely tolerated you.  It hurts, I know.  Plus, your DH has been absolutely impotent in any effort to broker an improvement.  This is hurtful and it probably won't change (much) either. 

It is better to face this reality now.  If I were you, I'd see if I could find a family counselor with experience in stepfamily dynamics.  Go to at least one session and see if they understand the position you are in, and if it seems they can give you any tools to navigate this morass.  Then, give it a try for awhile.  

Be aware that many of us get to the point, like you, where we wonder if we can go on in our situations.  Some are able to work towards a better environment, some decide to remain silent/disengaged and hope for the best, some decide to leave.  Whatever the decision, just make sure it is right for you.  Do not live a life with people who don't care about you, where you are treated as a second-class citizen and are constantly being disillusioned or hurt. 

As a famous TV host says, "It's better to be healthy alone than sick with somebody else." 

I truly feel the sadness and desperation you feel.  I also know you should not be living a life where you feel you are nothing more than "One Mistake After Another"

have remarried and we even have stepkids etc. 

Any nephew or niece that marries they confirm the family numbers, and several vip tables are allocated for us... no nephew or niece says their stepaunt sits at normal table. They sit with their spouse at a vip table. Obviously if its a reception for our family’s side, we make sure the inlaws are at vip tables, we all help out greeding guests and giving door gifts etc...

everyone is grateful about others helping out

stepaunts are even in matching family outfits (same colour or print)

The reason given is that your "ruined" the first daughter's wedding.  Have you asked directly "Can you tell me exactly how I did that?  Because I don't recall there being any huge scenes or conflicts.  I can only change my behavior if I know what I did wrong in your eyes"

Now... the answer may be hurtful.. untrue.. or skewed.  You may also find out they had some misconceptions about your feelings etc... You also may have some food for thought and reflection as to how your actions may have in fact caused the bride stress.

I can't believe that you are banned "just" because you tried to bring a dog to the general vicinity of the wedding.  That was not a reasonable request... and going "behind their back/over their head" to ask the venue probably was pushy considering they had given you an answer... but it wasn't cut all family ties level action.

It's more likely that part of it was your DH sending them ettiquette... in a sense scolding her.  That was probably seen as coming from you.  But, again... in itself, I wouldn't have thought that just wanting to be seated with a spouse would be grounds for ostracising you.

But..... there is more.  You may or may not know what that is... unless the relationship was extremely frosty before that.. there is more to the story than you are either able to lay out for us.. or even know.

If the SD won't speak with you.. (I'm talking the first bride).. then your DH needs to see if he can clear the air.  He needs to take full responsiblity for sending the miss manners note.. and that HE wanted you beside him..etc..  There has to be more to what went on.. there just has to be for people that according to you were not sworn enemies before this.. to turn on you.  It doesn't make sense.

I have a horrible step daughter and no children.  I dropped the rope, disengaged. If my husband wants to see his evil spawn then he does it without me. I don't offer my time, my money, or my own efforts for anything anymore. 

We've been married 8 years. I used to do things for SD, send her money, clothes and shoes for her kids, birthday & Christmas gifts.  Now I do nothing. That's about what she's worth. 

I agree with the posters who say your husband should be with you and sticking up for you!!  He should not let you be treated as he did. 

While I truly believe that bringing a pet or a child to a wedding weekend is a very bad idea, even if there are other arrangements planned, your DH was all in with it until the SD and BM freaked out.  So he threw you under the bus and it was like he was standing next to you and then crossed sides and turned around and blamed you.  This is totally wrong!! 

Now with that said if they didn't want you to bring the dog on the wedding weekend because they were feeling that needing to attend to the dog would get in the way be adults about it and go about it a different way.  They shouldn't have tried to blame the venue they should have asked you point blank to find other arrangements for the dog and don't bring him or her.  Plain and simple.  

Another point to add is that it didn't matter if you brought the dog or not, they already had that seating chart set up in their planning and that was all going down that way whether you brought the dog or not. That is the real issue.  Your husband should never sit away from you.  I agree with all of the others on that.  You would never ask a married couple to be apart especially at a wedding!!  He is dead wrong to allow it and dead wrong to go to a wedding for anyone without you!  If he went for me it would be a deal breaker.  I also would not go anywhere near where the wedding was being held.  You don't need to be a part of any of that.  Even if it is somewhere you would like to go on holiday it will be seen as you trying to get an invite.  I am sorry you are going through this.  

I looked through the posts to see who mentioned the etiquette link? 

much needed "excuse" for balless people who can't stand up and speak their truth about a situation. So the dog was the "fall guy." It's not about the dog! Period. If the poor dog hadn't been involved, then there would be another, and another bone of contention pop up. It's literally like trying to bail water in a boat with a gaping hole. Their supply of endless "reasons" which have no substance at all will keep coming. 

It's the same o'l song and dance. "We don't have a real reason to exclude SM, but we will have to come up with one that will resonate with DH." 

As another poster wrote, couples are COUPLES. Not part-time, or selectively, but ALL THE TIME. Even if his procreation decides to marry. Honestly, I wouldn't want to attend her wedding. In that vein, couples lookout for the benefit of each OTHER , NOT THEIR GROWN ADULT OFFSPRING. Destination weddings can also be a way of eliminating certain couples who they really don't want to attend. Many can't afford this. The bottom line is, you are his wife. You have created a life together. He has raised his daughter and her life is hers.

I commend you for thinking of your pet and making accommodations, as you said, the dog wasn't expected to be part of the wedding party. In all honesty, I'd prefer to be with dogs than many people! At least their intentions are genuine and without motive. Cant' say that about many people.

I googled wedding etiquette for step parents out of curiosity.  Quite a few articles came up and they were all saying not to exclude step parents and make sure they're treated as a couple.

You wrote, "I think OP is in the UK and things are different there."  I have family in both USA and UK..   Wedding etiquette is pretty much the same.  Check it out:  https://www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/organising-and-planning/divor...  'With divorced, separated or remarried parents, working out who makes the cut for the top table and where they will sit can be a huge headache, especially if there’s any bitterness or accusations of special preference.

William recommends abandoning the top table altogether – venue permitting – and choosing long tables if you have divorced or remarried parents.

He says, “Have one long table so everyone will then feel included. If you have a complex and political family structure then it may be best to consider and find a venue that will allow this.'  NOTICE the words, ' --so everyone will then feel included.'

Give your DH to understand that if he goes anywhere near this event without you, he will come home to find his belongings set out at the curb. Or if your legal arrangements don't permit that, make sure he knows he'll be coming home to an empty house.

Whatever it takes, do not accept this BS. I made a similar mistake (HS and college graduation) and it took years for me to fully accept how badly I had been dissed. Then it took a few more years to straighten out these people who only ramped up their misbehavior, having understandably concluded that I could be trifled with.  

This is a hill to die on.