Is this petty behaviour?
As most of you know from my previous posts, SS of 30yo still lives with us and all his life has never aspired to do anything.
One of the arguments we have most of the time is how petty she thinks I am with him. So for example, when I come home from work and prepare my own meal, I wont think to ask if SS wants anything... and the reason is that I've been to work all day whilst he's been sat in his room watching TV and playing video games. Is this petty?
Another argument... when I'm cleaning dishes, I refuse to clean his when he just leaves them on the side. He's capable of cleaning his own right? Is this petty?
Another argument... when I'm putting laundry in the wash, I refuse to put his in. Is this petty?
I only do these things, because I believe it is the least he could be doing considering he just sits around all day in his room???
Looks to me as if you are
Looks to me as if you are treating him like a room mate - which seems normal to me. He isn't pulling his weight so why should you pull his as well as your own?
Why does your wife think he is incapable of taking care of himself and his needs? Does she think he is intellectually challenged or otherwise incapacitated?
I think that's always been
I think that's always been the problem with the SS always being around, not being independant, not moving on, so it's like his mother doesn't seem to let go either. So they're both to blame for SS lack of life skills and basic growing up etc.
Winterglow...
That's the other weird thing really, he's not incapable and he's not stupid either. So you'd think he would step forward and say "look! you don't need to do these things for me", he just sucks it up.
Not petty at all. It grosses
Not petty at all. It grosses me out enough having to wash skid's mingin clothes in my machine, without mixing her stuff in with ours. And your SS needs to start taking responsibility; there's NO WAY, at 30 years old, should he be getting others to do his laundry and washing up for him. He's using you both as staff and it needs to stop, otherwise he'll never fly the nest. And if he eventually does, his future wife will be treated that way too.
He is a 30 year old grown,
He is a 30 year old grown, capable man, not a 3 year old child.
There is something seriously wrong with your wife and her son. She doesn't see anything wrong with a 30 year old man just sitting around playing video games, expecting others to wait on him?
Of course, you are not being petty.
I feel stupid for even asking
I feel stupid for even asking on here to be honest. I know deep down it's not petty, but she has this clever way of making me feel guilty for it.
she has this clever way of
she has this clever way of making me feel guilty for it
That's called manipulation and gaslighting and it's emtional abuse.
To be fair she does do most
To be fair she does do most of it during the week, but during the weekend I do my bit, just not for SS.
Petronella
She used to have a job, but took ill last year and decided not to go back to work. She's always suffered with back pain and in and out of the doctors, so that was her reason for not going back.
Again, SHE is not financially
Again, SHE is not financially supporting her loser son and should not expect you to.
If you want to support her, that is your choice, but he needs to go.
It sounds like your wife and
It sounds like your wife and her boy are both at home without work responsibilities... I don't think it's petty to expect for them to take care of their own dishes.. laundry etc..
It may be a bit petty if you are "cooking a meal for the family" to not make extra for SS when it's no more work to do so. but, I wouldn't expect you to ask him if he wants a sandwich if you are making one for yourself.
Heck, I get irritated with my
Heck, I get irritated with my own DH (he's retired and I'm still working) when I have to take out overflowing trash or load the dishwasher on my lunch break. And DH contributes both financially and physically to the running of the household (but is also a slacker more than I can tolerate with any grace).
So, no, it's not petty. Three people live in the house. Three people contribute.
When was the last time SS asked if you'd like a snack, or did your dishes?
Nope you are not petty...
Have you considered looking for a 1bedroom, sign a 1 year lease. Or a rental home OR buy your own home?
You sound like you are being used.
Why do you think your wife is 'making' you feel guilty?
Guilty of what?
Guilt is for criminal or immoral actions. None of which you have done. Have you?
Is ss ill?
Guilty of my opinions and the
Guilty of my opinions and the way I see the situation, as if I'm in the wrong. Guilty for not doing his dishes, laundry etc. She calls it petty.
Not petty at all. And
Not petty at all. And completely inadequate and ineffective. Start shutting off the internet every day when you leave for work. Better yet, flip the main breaker for he house and put a lock on it before you leave for work every day.
See how he likes sitting in the dark, cold/hot without connectivity and without being able to cook any food. Lock the pantry and the fridge too so that it stays cold while you and DW are at work.
Re-key the locks. Put him on the curb and make his access to the home conditional and a daily behavioral deliverable. Actually, this is a 30yo not an 18yo so just boot his ass.
Regardless, Mommy needs some calarity and as it is YOUR home as much as hers, an adult does not reside in that home without your agreement. Make sure DW has a clear picture on this and that you and she map out the launch plan for the 30yo. Do not allow either her or him to manipulate you or gaslight you on this. Mommy and the 30yo waste of skin adult POS leech are the problem. Not you.
OP,
you've received a lot of good advice this week. Do you intend to take any action? Have you made an appointment with a divorce attorney to find out where you stand financially?
Keep reading here and educating yourself about enmeshment, emotional incest, and emotional abuse. The better you understand it, the more you'll see that your wife is the problem. She needs serious therapy, but that isn't up to you. Focus on YOU, and gaining some emotional distance from the problem. Like a frog in a pan of water on a stove, you've gradually been manipulated into accepting the status quo and that you're the one with the problem. That is simply untrue, and you need to accept that what you think and feel about this screwy situation is valid.
Know that no matter what your your wife says, she is the sick one, and her agenda is to keep you in line. After all, your income is essential to maintaining her dysfunctional dynamic.
Thanks
Not been a great weekend. Wife brought up the subject again on saturday night but i didnt back down, however nothing changed, she still thinks im petty and stupid. I said "i dont understand why you cant see im only trying to give him responsibilty," and she replied "he has responsibilty all the time, he does things when i tell him."
I spoke about when i lived at home with my parents, and i was brought up on similar values. My mum would clean the house but never my room, as that was my responsibilty, and that taught me to look after myself... does that mean my mum was being petty? But she never answered, she just keeps focusing on that when i do it, its like im picking on him.
Is your wife mentally slow?
Is your wife mentally slow? The man is 30 years old, "he has responsibilty all the time, he does things when i tell him," does not cut it.
You're picking on him? Again, 30 years old and no job, living at Mommy's without a care in the world, as if he were 9.
Dump these losers.
Nope, Not Petty...Way Beyond Time For Man-Son To Launch
You DO NOTHING FOR HIM. NOT YOUR PROBLEM and not your failure to pander to!
Wife is adamant i am in the
Wife is adamant i am in the wrong. Shes even started dragging things up from the past. Last night she said "ive never really bonded with him or took him on days out". But that got me thinking that my dad was never really like that with me either, but i dont hold it against him, or think he was a bad father. Its like shes looking to argue at the moment.
Whether you have bonded with
Whether you have bonded with him or not is not the issue at hand. She is trying to gaslight you and make you out to be the bad guy.
Really!
Sir, You should toss this 30 year old out of your home effective immediately and let your wife choose to stay with you or leave with her son. That will tell you whether or not you need an attorney or a marriage councillor. Prior to tossing the man-child out you should lock down all of your bank accounts and credit cards. Also have 911 on speed dial in case things get ugly. Your wife and son are trying, successfully so far, to make their problems, your problem too. You can put an end to this if you choose. Good luck.