Lazy parenting
Hi all I'm new here I did write something on a different parenting site about some of these issues but seemed everyone wanted to be nasty this site looks a lot more understanding. I have 2 sd 11 and 9.
I know most of these issues are really none of my concern but the behaviour is starting to rub off on my own children and I feel like I'm constantly getting at my bio kids for things that my sds do frequently.
sd11 spends her whole weekend here closeted in her bedroom on her phone/iPad any word I speak to her gets met with a reply of serious attitude/sarcasm but supposedly bm has also been dealing with this attitude.
my sd9 also spends the weekend here closeted in her room on her iPad. This one has been attacking children and teachers at school and is on behaviour report. Anything I say gets me the dirtiest look I have ever seen on a child in my life. She won't eat anything remotely healthy and neither child has any manners at all. The words please and thank you literally have to be ripped from them.
There are no consequences to their behaviour at bms house obviously no confiscation of electronics grounding etc even for kicking teachers. Bm then constantly complains about their behaviour everyday to my partner.
it all feels like such lazy parenting. Like if they take away electronics or ground them then they will actually have to do something with them.
My bio children have stopped using please and when I call them up on it I get attitude from them (I kind of understand it) "but sd never says please" the thank you seems to be automatic for them so they don't even think about that one thankfully.
I limit screen time 1 hour during the week 2 hours on a weekend. Again I get "why does sd get to play on hers all day?"
if we have them when my bio children go to their dads they don't get bathed/brush their teeth they go to bed late and keep their electronics all night. If bio kids are here I tell them to get a bath so sds think I'm talking to them so do it too.
I know that they're not my children and I have no say in how they are raised but I feel like these aren't particularly bad children. In fact I think they could be really great children/adults if their parents actually start parenting them.
Should I broach the subject with my partner? Or is it none of my business?
please be nice I've had a lot of crap recently trying to get advice on some of these issues tia x
Welcome to the site!
You absolutely DO have a say when the SDs are in your house and their behaviour is affecting both you and your kids. It doesn't matter what rules BM does or doesn't have in her house - in yours and DH's house, there should be rules and the SDs should follow them or reap the consequences. So yes, I think you certainly should broach the subject with your partner, and draw up a set of rules which all the kids are expected to follow, not just your bios. These might include courtesy, eating what is provided or waiting till the next meal, no electronic devices after a certain time in the evening, take a bath or shower and brush teeth. It is up to you and your partner to decide what consequences would be if they don't abide by the rules, but whatever you choose, these should be always adhered to and there should be consistency.
I'd suggest also that if there are any available in your area, you and DH attend parenting classes together. You probably don't need them, but he most certainly does, and if you both go together he will feel less penalised. If there are none, maybe a child behaviour coach online. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
Thank you for the reply.
Thank you for the reply.
Anytime I have tried to do the eat what you get given or go hungry my sd9 will ring her bm crying that she's hungry then bm whinges at Dh then he gives her something different to keep the peace. Sometimes they won't even tell dh what they want/need they will ring their mum and mum will contact dh for things because they know they will get it if they ask mum. On the very few occasions dh has stuck to his guns he gets constant messages and bm says she will have to come back from work to collect them. (She works away 4days a week) They spend a lot of time off school with tummy ache which seems to be affecting their mental age and education. Especially sd9 who probably has tummy ache and is so ill due to the only chicken nugget diet she consumes. I get they're not my children but do they have to be to want the best for them? even if it does mean a bit of tough love. I get not everyone agrees with discipline or tough love but it seems to be affecting these kids in a negative way.
I think everyone can learn how to be a better parent so maybe a parenting class would be good. I don't think dh would go though it's not his thing at all.
Think he has the classic separated dad guilt so let's them do what they want really.
This is no good at all - he
This is no good at all - he should not take calls from BM unless it is an emergency, he is allowing them all to hold him to ransom. These kids have been turned into nasty little dictators courtesy of their useless bio parents.
Start with a "no phones in
Start with a "no phones in your home" rule. The minute they walk through that door, they give you their phones.That should put a stop to them whining to bm all the time.
Secondly, suggest to your husband that SD9 gets tested for Celiac disease - the constant tummy pain is a classic symptom and constant nuggets (among other things) will cause and prolong the pain.
Take her phone. No more
Take her phone. No more crying to BM.
I do think you need to work
I do think you need to work with your partner on more consistent expectations of the kids. Of course age appropriateness comes into play here to an extent. You might be allowing an older child more leeway on using their screens for example... while still be more stringent with younger kids.
It is quite simple to come back at the "well SD does..." lines. "I'm not SD's mother.. but I am yours.. and if you know what's good for you. you will start obeying our rules" your kids can be given consequences for "back talk"... even if your SD isn't given these consequences. Will your kids resent that SD doesn't get punished? yes.. but they will also learn the important lesson that just because someone else is doing somethign wrong.. doesn't mean it's ok for them to do something wrong.
If SD were robbing a bank would you think it's ok for YOU to rob one?
Now.. you should also allow for the influence of other kids and hormones on your 9yo.. it's an age where many kids are shifting to tween territory... and it's likely that there are kids in her class that are similarly unmannered. You shouldn't lay it all on SD's doorstep because she is only one person that your child may be interacting and modeling behavior.
Thank you
It's more about the things being said during attitude that leads me to believe it's sds influence. It might not be and you could be right that it's kids at school. I will continue with the I'm your mum thing regarding the but sd gets to.
It actually reminds me of a
It actually reminds me of a funny story regarding my DH before I met him.
He had to appear in court for some minor issue and he and a buddy were joking around and his friend bet him 20 bucks he wouldn't use that famous line "I do not recall" when he was on the stand (there was a big trial going on where a witness was using this tactic).
Whelp... my DH apparently was asked a question and he caught his friend's eye and said. "I do not recall".. he said the judge turned purple and before the judge could say anything he said.. "you know.. I DO recall.. and gave his testimony"
Bottom line is you are THEIR mother.. and they know the rules.. and you know they know them. They may be trying on and testing out some new attitude.. but it's that look and response from you that will drive home the message that it isn't acceptable.
My kids have zero screen time
My kids have zero screen time most days, unless they're programming their own games or doing something creative, mostly because I want them to be mentally healthy adults that can interact with other people. SD stays in her room with her electronics all day long.
My kids do chores, SD sits in her room. My kids eat lots of veggies with the family. SD eats Mac and cheese from a box in her room.
I prefer that SD doesn't interact with me or my kids. She isn't a very nice person, and she doesn't set a very good example. So I'm all for her having all the entertainment she desires, so we don't have to put up with her bad behavior.
When my kids ask why they can't do what SD does, I tell them I'm not SD's mother and if they have concerns they should address them to their dad. My older one doesn't want to fuss about it, but my younger one doesn't mind pointing out elephants in rooms... it is very entertaining to see DH put on spot and try to excuse his way out of it.
:') I can imagine the face he
:') I can imagine the face he pulls when it's being addressed. I'm sure it's partially confused tbh they don't seem to see the 1 rule for 1 1 for another thing until put bluntly.
I say that too frequently. You can't play on it all the time because then your brain will go numb and you will walk round like a zombie grunting at everyone. I make jokes when they ask for longer like no I can already see your brain cells escaping from your ears it helps them to not feel so bad about not being allowed the screens. (They don't take it seriously)
If living with your partner
If living with your partner is impacting you and the behavior of your children I'd consider moving out. It's difficult to raise children under the same roof with much different rules and values. If you are able to just date and still attend parenting/couples counseling that would be fine until you feel comforable enough to reconsider living with him. You will also have tools and learn new ways on how to deal with your partners kids.
I'd really think about it and please do not worry about his "feelings" on the matter. Remember you and your kids wants & needs are priority over him and his daughters, ALWAYS!
We agreed
We agreed to live separately and spend half the week together when skids are with bm and 1 day a week with us all together. Hopefully this will help solve most of the problems. Thank you for taking the time to reply
I would purge all the
I would purge all the junkfood from the house, it's not good for anyone.
Turn the internet off except for two hours a day.
I banned chicken nuggets from
I banned chicken nuggets from the house. And chocolate rolls because it seemed to be the only things she would eat. My bio kids haven't minded that at all thankfully. We're moving out so will be able to have anything we want in the house soon thankfully. Thank you for replying
You are familiar with Disengagement then
Good! Thats a start. I think that moving out will not only be in YOUR best interest, because, sanity, but in your bios best interest as well. Just project what Skids will be like in a few years! 10 plus times worse! The bad manners will escalate, and the teen years are still ahead, which can be tricky even on a good day. I met DH when his eldest was 15.5 and she did NOT get better. She also stayed in her room, was rude, was/is a dirty pig.
Getting yourself out and continuing a relationship would probably be the best thing for your relationship. If DH doesnt like it, well he can deal with it or try someone new.
He’s ok now
After a long convo about the best interests of the children by dh agreed we should live apart. So onwards and upwards now. I've disengaged completely from them while still living in the same house but it's so difficult to watch what's happening and not intervene so I won't need to watch anymore. Thank you for your reply