I let her think its because of her
Yeah my DW is so inconsistent with what she says she is going to do. It drives me nuts. Permissive weak parenting. The bio dad is a deadbeat loser that hasnt been around in like 6 years.
Anyways, I find myself having to clean up her messes in secret a lot. Then she takes credit for it.
Case in point. Sk's failing school, ECT. She says to them, if you dont bring it up by progress report I'm taking your electronics. Games phones and ECT. Progress rolls around, epic fails all around, and she doesnt take a thing. Gives another warning. After a long time of this and still fails, I take it upon myself to put a tomato program on the router and rate limit their asses, or just outright block their devices sometimes, like at night on a school night for instance.
When their grades begin to improve she takes all the credit even though it was clearly not from her lax patenting, but my underhanded scheming with the router. *evil laughter*
Problem is, I cant tell her I've been doing this to *gasp* not her little darlings!
So I let her think she's the reason they are doing (marginally) better. Its not dramatic change, their would have to be more even, united parenting for that..
But its the best I can do at present.
- StepFu's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
So you are reinforcing her
So you are reinforcing her poor parenting in the long-term, you know this, right? Now she thinks she's doing a fantastic job and is unlikely to change a thing, since it's working.
Another parent ready to let her kids fail at life so she doesn't make them mad at her EVER, god forbid. Time to come clean and have it out with her - or disengage entirely and let them fail.
Welcome to the site!
In your biography you say you are fed up with your DW, and I can see why, BUT you are colluding with her poor parenting by doing things covertly and not calling it out. Then you become frustrated - naturally - with the response of your SKIDs and your wife. I think you have to be more honest and open, and as tog redux says, either lay your cards on the table or disengage entirely and let them succeed or fail under their own steam.
I agree with tog & kes, this
I agree with tog & kes, this isn’t a good solution. Unless it’s making YOU happy, which it doesn’t seem to be, I don’t get why you’re doing this. It’s only reinforcing the things that you don’t like in your family dynamic, as entertaining as your schemes are you either need to be honest with your wife or just stop doing it & let them all fail. Wife included.
Thanks...
Thanks...
Well outright confronting her parenting leads to terrible fights. The Sk's, they are more than able to manipulate their mother against me with guilt/pity parties. Its actually quite easy for them.
The router thing, The kids know I know that they know. Its an uneasy arrangement. Sort of like I'm messing with their heads. They don't have enough evidence to go to DW and try to pit me against her in a power play. So they are forced to conform somewhat to my standards as opposed to just doing whatever. That is, if they ever want their devices to run without horrible game stopping lag on games, and watch a youtube video without it pausing to buffer every 4 secs on phones...
As to enjoying it... Well any time I see a kiddo that I know is failing badly lazing around playing a game on a weekday ,for instance, on the high speed internet I pay for... I become filled with this helpless rage. Homework could be being done or something at least. There is some measure of satisfaction and relief from the rage when I see the kiddo in the throes of a three mile wide lag spike on his game.. The frustration is transferred to where it should be. Then they look at me with a confused, half accusatory, questing look. I just chuckle inwardly as I walk off. They don't have enough of a case to bring to mama bear.
So really you are enjoying
So really you are enjoying your passive aggressive sabotaging of the SKIDs. I just feel that while this may afford you some relief for your feelings, it is not ultimately helping the situation in any way. Why not just leave if you feel you can't be honest? It doesn't sound like much of a life, to me.
Yeas dread and anxiety are
Yes dread and anxiety are familiar to me. I do wish I could just have a simple adult conversation with DW without her playing the victim and flaming me out.
And Oh.. The labels. Passive aggressive, if thats what this is, is not how I usually operate. I'm a straight shooter normally. Its DW that forces me to be a saboteur. I have to play the peripheral. Can't come on too strong or its a fight.
Within the dynamic I'm in, I have to manipulate and play head games with the SK's w the router because they manipulate and play head games to pit DW against me when I try to do things for their own good.
I would say enjoying is a strong term. I'm still aware its a half measure, and so, its ultimately still crap, but a half measure is better than no measure at all.
As to why don't I leave... Love? My son? Sex? Pride? Why does anyone stay?
I mean this bunch would be completely lost w/o me. And while they all write the dictionary definition on self-serving, I'm not fully in that camp yet.
You aren't her victim, she
You aren't her victim, she doesn't "force you" into anything - you are choosing to stay and choosing to deal with these issues in this manner. So what if it ends up in a horrible fight? Is that how she keeps you under control?
It doesn't help to see yourself as an innocent victim - it just keeps you stuck and unable to own your own behavior and change the situation.
Maybe "deadbeat dad"
was forced out like so many of these PASing HCGUBMs do to biodad on this board. You only heard one side of the story and now are seeing that DW is a shit parent.
Yes the fights I don't like.
Yes the fights I don't like. Who likes to fight with their spouse? I get accused by her of liking to fight, but couldn't be farther from the truth. I just try to slow down this runaway train we are on and every time I do its a fight. I sometimes get frustrated, but no matter how calmly I approach an issue, if its in a critical way, even slightly, its a fight.
I bristle at this idea of being controlled. I am an autonomous and independent person. Its true... I am not being forced to stay. I choose to.
Innocent? No. Holding moral high ground? I believe so, yes. At least, for now. I believe toxic people have a way of converting friends and loved ones to their behavioral patterns if you slog around with them long enough. I do find myself caring less about being upstanding than I used to. I just chalk it up to the game and keep breathing.
Guilty Parenting
So - your "D" W could be parenting out of guilt, because she procreated with scum, OR she could be one of THOSE that shut out the bio father and keep the kids to herelf. Have you ever met the dude? Ever had a conversation with HIM?
It sounds like you are sort of stuck. You have a bio son together and you dont want to have to split custody, dont want to lose what you have built together (Im making assumptions here), and yet, you sound like a prisoner here. Stuck in this toxic feedback loop. Having to resort to subterfuge to avoid fights with wifey.
And they are completely dependant on you.
Have you considered marital counseling?????
If she is not wanting to go, then you really should consider how her shoddy parenting is affecting your kiddo.
What other tricks have you up your sleeve?
Well. The dad. Well yes Ive
Well. The dad. Well yes Ive had some talks with him early on. Just a neverendingly talking motor mouth. Every other word a lie. Nauseating. Judging from stories told about him from DW (he caused her to miscarriage by punching her in the stomach one time for instance..yes he knew about the baby), I never really was receptive to him.
Plus the creep factor was up real high on that one. When kiddo SD was visiting with him about 6 years back, they got in this habit of sleeping in his bed together. Harmless, I suppose but get this: he insisted she only wear panties and a bra, or panties, a t shirt w no bra. Then he would spoon her all night. He would also insist she shower before getting in his bed and to wear perfume. Even if it wasnt bedtime, she would perpetually be in this guy's lap like say, when they watched a movie or whatever. This all from kiddos' own accounts of events at his place.
So eventually he says family of his was having a beach vacation, renting out a beach house for a wedding or something, and he invited SD but none of his other kids. (Yes there would be alcohol. Yes he would routinely let his very minor kids drink alcohol at his place.) In my mind, he was working his way up to mollesting kiddo possibly. Smh. So given all my information, I said a firm no on her going and pressured DW about it until she relented, fighting or not.
He was furious she couldnt go. On that Valentine's of that year he tried to come unannounced to give kiddo stuff for Valentine's. I went out there and confronted him, telling him he can't just drop by whenever he wants, but has to arrange with us first before he drops by.
Couple days later he drops by unannounced and tries to beg DW back while I'm at work. Soon as I find out I take off from work and charge right to HIS house. Or his mom's house, more accurately, where he lived. Cops were called by his mom. Words were had.
After that he was gone.
Thing is, no matter how much of a no good creep lying lowlife he was, I had a heavy hand in expelling this dude from their lives. I feel responsible for them now, so there's another reason to stay.
Tricks? Lol. Not really anything else. I can with hold my generosity when I go on store trips. I can shame them into trying. Rarely works but sometimes. I can threaten plead and cajole. I can write a letter to a boss, superintendent, or congressman....
But sometimes there is very little that I can do. And i hate that feeling.
DW has broken bird syndrome
And you are her rescuer, and now that her wings have mended, she is fighting her "cage" (thats you. you are the cage)
She sounds highly dis-functional.
WOw. Im surprised that CPS wasnt called or something about the spooning with child in bed. Document everything you can of course. Im surprised (or not?) that DW wasnt more protective of kiddo - that you had to do any pressuring at all. It would seem there is more to her disfunction than meets the eye.
Poor kiddo. More guilty parenting.
Its uncanny to me how on the
Its uncanny to me how on the nose you are with the now I'm her cage thing.
A constant accusation of hers is how I'm trying to control her, giving me this sense she views me as her prison warden.
Compared to her ex, I give DW a vast more amount of freedom, whether it be her choices, her activities, or her finances. Obviously I give her all the freedom when it comes to "parenting" her progeny. I do demand more of a say in the goings on of our son, but that is about it. Yet she still chafes at imaginary prison bars.
She has her own car so she can do whatever she likes when I am away in the other one. Work or wherever I'm at. I respect most of her choices, even if I don't agree, and I let her (for the most part) parent as she sees fit. Did ex let her do that? No, he hit them, and hit her too. He ran over her roughshod. Yet I'm the bad guy? In the heat of fights, when I am the demon apparently, she even tries to defend this dude whereas any other time she demonizes him. I can't.
When all that was going on with ex and kiddo, DW was only saying, well thats weird, and not doing anything about it. She was seriously considering letting kiddo go on that vacay before I threw a fit.
You have three options: