Going through divorce you will experience so many different emotions and it's ok. It's only natural to be calm one moment, crying the next, happy, and just sad all around. You have to feel them all and try to process them as best you can. This was a part of your life that impacted you greatly and you still have a lot of love for his daughters. Continue therapy and expressing these feelings to your therapist and know that in time you will heal and become a wiser person from this experience.

You will find an entirely new you that you had no idea could exist. Wishing you much love, strength and healing. You got this!

My XH was a narcissistic abusive ass.  I was married 10 years and absolutely miserable.  I stayed because of my SD.  She had no one but him if I left.  It finally got too bad to stay for even her.   In the long run she ended up throwing me aside for abusive XH and worthless BM.

I went to counseling during and after the divorce.  I actually told my counselor I felt something was wrong with me because I had zero sadness about getting the divorce.   He reminded me that I had mourned the loss of my marriage while I was still married.  I was already on the other side of grief by the time I filed.  Which is probably why I had the strength to file. i will never forget how much that helped me.

BTDTGTS. 

Sweetie, I honestly think you should SERIOUSLY consider moving far away. You know that a relationship with the girls is not possible, so what keeps you there? Look far and wide.

WHY? Because I am not 100% certain that divorce will stop him. In fact, I expect him to do what he can to drag it out AND continue to hound you - even stalk you - after the divorce is finalized. I am very concerned for your safety. He is terribly unstable, delusional, and out of control.

I agree with Aniki - I'd get out of there. It has never been a good area for your career, and you've always been thinking of moving, even when things were better with STBXH. Is moving closer to family and old friends possible? If not, or you know that's not where you want to go, moving elsewhere will be an adventure. I think there will be more pain than you need staying where you are now.

I also mourned the loss of my marriage during the marriage. The hardest part for me was the our kids.  Thankfully after about 6months we both got it together and agreed to shared physical custody, no child support. I worked , he worked. Best decision ever.

Go easy on yourself. Some days will be ok, some days wont. 

If may offer a suggestion please? I would not make a huge decision about your life for 6months to a year.

Hope you stick around here on ST.

(((HUGS)))))

On your continued success in dealing with all the rollercoaster emotions.

They say the absence of pain is pleasure.

And the world is your oyster - the WORLD is YOURS, you just have to grab it with both hands.

- Quotes from my dear Mother..:D to me, and now from me to YOU.

WOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!! 

Fingers crossed the signing goes smoothly and you are a single woman ASAP! <3

So happy to see your update, PAI!  Fingers crossed that he signs without any issues.  Forward on!

Text me girl. DH needs an IT professional in North Carolina. Zero promises, of course, but I can at least get you the info to apply.

You're going through normal stuff. I kept pushing off actually filing my divorce papers. Not sure why, could have just been laziness. But the relief after? Oh, could have floated away on that feeling!

But then I cried on what would have been our anniversary. Not because I wanted to be married, but because I had lost something. Having to refer to someone as "boyfriend" instead of "husband" was jarring. It was weird going from being someone who was very put together (or so I thought) to literally having the freedom to do and be whoever I wanted. I didn't know what to do with that for a long time.

Enjoy the good, grieve the bad, and ride through the parts that just feel weird. It eventually feels normal again.

I was euphoric during my divorce process....excited for life....feeling care free. It was weird looking back....I should have been sad or taken it more serious....

That ended shortly after papers were signed and I’ve spent the last 3.5 years full of sorrow and regret and guilt and shame.....and pure sadness.

I haven’t felt “normal” since my divorce and demise of my first family of 15 + years. It was all my fault, also.

i hope every day that I will feel normal again or progress to the next step.....But I know deep in my heart that I made a Terrible mistake and how do you move on from that? I do try to put it out of my mind and live my “new” life but all I do is feel like I’m living someone else’s life and someone else is living mine.......

so maybe my stages of grief are just taking a lot longer