New here and wanting a second opinion
Hi everyone. I am new to this forum and seeking a second opinion about something. I was with my SO for a little over three years. I had gotten to know his kids very well, formed a relationship with them and thought we would get married one day as he always talked about it. There were some red flags however. First I found out he had some financial problems. Then I found out he was closer to his ex than I had imagined. I found out they had been hanging out quite a bit with his ex when I was not there and he was not forthcoming about that and actually tried to hide it from me then would get angry with me when I found of about it from one of his kids. I also felt very lonely being a stepmom at times, like a third wheel at best because he would always put his kids first (understandly) but we rarely spent time quality together unless his kids were asleep. I was left out of most decisions and when I asked to be included he would get angry and yell "You don't parent anyways." because I never got up early to drive them to school (I worked evenings at the time). However he was happy to let me pay for his kids things yet he would not let me parent them nor make any decisions. He would also take their side over mine when they were misbehaving and this made me feel insignificant. My SO also had a terrible temper and would explode over nothing. I made the decision to leave the relationship two months ago after a particularly bad, but not unusual, incident where he exploded on me after work one day because his daughter did not feel well and I called him instead of "handling it myself." He called me names, yelled at me, and told me I could not handle being a parent with such anger. I walked out and never looked back. This was after a day of his kids generally misbehaving and me watching them on my one day off. I was tired of it. His temper explosions were not something new and this was the final straw for me. A week later he told me he missed me and asked me to come back. I ignored him as I was still very hurt. Fast forward to a month later and he is now in a relationship with another women, less than a month after I ended our three and a half year relationship. Apparently this woman is long distance but he is planning on marrying her (they are already engaged) and she is planning on moving (she is moving over 700 miles away to be with him and his kids) Now before you think he met some young hottie, that has it going on, think again. I am not saying this to be cruel but this woman is older, very homely looking and does not have a stable job. My question is who the heck does this? I am still healing from the relationship and can't imagine dating yet let alone marrying someone I barely know especially when they will be living with my kids! Do you think they will be happier ever after and that I was the problem? Do you think him and his kids will be different with her than they were with me? Do you think he has changed and will be different with her? I do not understand this. They look so happy on facebook and he never rarely posted photos of me on facebook and it isn't because she is better looking than me believe me! I also heard he made up a story about me stalking him or some weird BS (yeah right. don't flatter yourself) I was the one that left him. He also told people I was horrible to his kids (I was nothing but nice to his kids, almost tooooooo nice to them!!!). He had all of his friends and family unfriend me on facebook too and I was nothing but nice to them as well. I do not understand this behavior from a man I thought I knew and loved for over three years. Can someone please explain it to me? It is as if I didn't even know this person. And will he ride off happily ever after into the sunset with his kids and new wifey?
You dodged a big old bullet -
You dodged a big old bullet - this guy has a personality disorder. Google narcissism. Good for you for walking out and not staying to take his abuse.
No, you weren't the problem, and NO, he won't be any different. Just the fact that they plan to marry after a month (maybe - if he wasn't cheating with her) speaks volumes. Block him on all social media, he's trying to make you feel bad.
Then pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to get out.
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I think you are right. Something just did not seem right during the entire relationship, and now I think the reason was him. It was as if something was missing. The irony is that he accused me of being a narcissist several times for voicing my needs and disconnecting when he got angry with me and I was not feeling heard.
Yes, when you said he
Yes, when you said he screamed at you that you couldn't be a parent because you were too angry - that's called PROJECTION. He's projecting his crap onto you. He's the one screaming and yelling, but YOU are the angry one.
Seriously, take some time to heal and find a good therapist so you don't pick someone else like this.
ditto this
ditto this
Congratulations!
You are now free to live a wonderful life without this narcissitic a$$.
Good riddance of bad rubbish.
1. You did the absolute right
1. You did the absolute right thing by leaving. The speed and manner in which he rebounded at only confirms this.
2. Your ex is very likely a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies.
3. Your ex is abusive and was abusive towards you. He will not change without years of therapy and making the choice to change and even then it is unlikely. A quick rebound relationship will not change this. Do not be fooled and fall for what is portrayed on facebook. He is just trying to rub it in and trap her at the same time. He might be nice to her now but she does not know him well enough yet. Down the road he will become an abusive a$$ towards her too. Give it time.
4. Any woman who moves hundreds of miles for a man who has kids that they have only known a few months long distance likely does not have much going on for herself which makes her a prime target for abusers like him. That is why he picked her. You were smart when you stood up for yourself and got away!
5. Anyone who allows someone to move in with their kids that they have barely known a few months long distance does not care about their kids well being and is unstable!
You made the absolute right choice. You dodged a massive bullet. Do not look back! Thank your lucky stars you were smart enough to get out. Block him on social media and do not respond if he tries to contact you. He is an abuser and nothing good can come from this. His new woman will be treated exactly like you were in time. The abusive cycle will repeat itself. Do not fall for facebook bs.
Do Not Doubt Yourself!
Congratulations to you on making a good decision to move on. I just hate when I think about someone, anyone, being treated that way. I was married for years to a man who would regularly explode in anger (ex-H, father of my 3 kids) - I did not have all the other crap like dealing with someone else's kids, but it was enough. I would somewhat take it up until last 4 or 5 years of our marriage when I'd explode back at him and put him in his place - which to me felt a lot better but that is still no way to live.
Of course you second guess when he moves on that quickly...but you did the right thing and I feel bad for that woman who is going to put up with his verbal abuse, gaslighting and using her.
Good for you!!
Congratulations! You are now
Congratulations! You are now free to live a happy and fullfilling life without an angry narcissistic abusive a$$hole and his stepbrats!!!! Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and leaving. This guy is not nice, is sketchy, and has way too much baggage plus emotional problems. His new homely "wife" has a rude awakening coming. lol. BTW narcissists often accuse others of narcissism when they stand up for themselves. This is their go to move. It is called projection.
He's looking for a babysitter
He's looking for a babysitter not a partner and you weren't willing to submit. You made the right move and this poor women is probably thinking she's meet this amazing man but will be blindsided once she moves in.
Yep exactly what I was
Yep exactly what I was thinking. This poor woman thinks he is a great catch. He is the opposite. Little does she know she is going to move away hundreds of miles and give up her whole life for an abusive jerk who is going to abuse her and use her for money and free babysitting. lol. Oh well!
Very familiar story. Good
Very familiar story, or shall I say, questions. Good luck.
Again, please see a therapist in real life
Again, please see a therapist in real life. You have been dealing with this situation for months, and it is obviously something that you are unable to deal with on your own. Instead of posting here and getting the same advice every time, please consider seeing a therapist who will be able to help you finally put this behind you.
First thing,,,,get off
First thing,,,,get off facebook and social media, stop looking and worring about what hes doing.....you dodged a massive bullet here! A man who rushes in to marriage like that is not someone you want to marry at all,, no, i doubt they will be happy anyway,, but who cares, you escaped this toxic situation,, not your problem anymore ,,, his temper tantrums , bad/lack of parenting and shitty boyfriend ways are not your worry anymore ,, its someone elses mess now. It may seem that he has 'moved' on but put it this way ,, did you really ever have it to begin with ? Find a therapist and work throught things yourself ,, am i promise you ,, you will find a loving man who will back you up and not call you names or yell at you and respect everything you so and do,,, i promise you these men are out there
He's not happier, his kids
He's not happier, his kids won't like her better, and they're not going to live happily ever after. It's a façade. He's trying to hurt you because you left him, so he jumped into a new relationship to spite you. He's in the lovebombing phase right now, so he's pretending to be this great catch so he can trap her. His mask will slip off soon, he can't pretend forever. She's going to marry him and regret it right away. Just like the others said, you truly did dodge a bullet.
But guess who he's going to try to run back to when shit hits the fan with this new girl? He's going to try to Hoover you at some point. Don't you EVER except this narcissistic garbage person back into your life. Travel, find some hobbies, read, get a new job, do whatever you need to do to get over him and move on for good!
a dysfunctional one
The kind of person who moves on that quickly...and does all the things you mentioned in your note...is a very dysfunctional person. I agree with the posts above, you dodged a bullet.
You did the right thing
You did the right thing you dont deserve to be treated like that... I've been with my SO for almost 4 years but as her kids get older I feel like things are going to get tough because her oldest kid is a manipulative compulsive liar who constantly seeks attention and wants to always be praised for every little thing.... both of her kids never let me and her just cuddle and watch a movie they always try and crowd especially the youngest one..... Sorry I didnt mean to ramble it's just I really have no where to turn to to vent that's why I joined this thing
Vent all you like
Vent all you like
Welcome to the site!
Another vote here for him having narcissistic personality disorder. When they lose one source of supply - they normally procure another double quick - he may even have had her waiting in the wings if he met her online. He sounds like the type of narcissist that is prone to rages - which they will justify by saying YOU made them angry. I feel quite sorry for his new woman - she has all this yet to come, as he is probably still in the "love bombing" phase with her.
Yes, he may be different with
Yes, he may be different with her. Yes, he may be happier with her. Yes, she may have a different relationship with the kids. These things are all possible because she's DIFFERENT than you. Doesn't mean she's better. Could mean she has lower standards for herself & for those she surrounds herself with.
You dodged a bullet. He wasn't good for YOU.
What a blessing to be free of
What a blessing to be free of this toxic man. Consider yourself fortunate to have ended this when you did. Imagine living with this dysfunction on a constant basis.
Live your best life OP with no regrets, you deserve it!
Thank you. I was often told I
Thank you. I was often told I was a narcissist because I brought up my own needs and concerns. Also I did not always agree with the way he parented his kids nor how they behaved at times. If I disengaged because his kids were being rude, caught lying and disrespectful I was told I was a narcissist.
Congrats on leaving! You made
Congrats on leaving! You made the right choice one hundred percent. He is an abusive narcissistic jerk. Stepkids are nothing but problems anyways. They can't be trusted and are nothing but drama. You are expected to give them unconditonal love yet you only recieve love that is very condiotional in return. It is basically using. Do know that he will repeat the same cycle with his new gf in time only this time she will be stuck! Thank God you were smart enough to get out when you did. Hats off to you!