My husband does something that I think is wrong. He disagrees
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My husband makes fat jokes about BM to his kids who are pre teens and teens. I have told him it’s not right to do this but he blows me off saying the kids know he joking and they are not bothered by it as they laugh and sometimes join in. Example of what he does. If they are watching a movie and people start scream my husband will say “ oh they must be screaming because your mom ate all the food” the kids will then laugh. The kids will make yo mama so fat jokes about BM and DH will laugh. He does not do it often and it does not seem to upset the kids but I still think it’s wrong. Thoughts??
It is wrong. He should not
It is wrong. He should not be making negative comments (even in a joking way) to his kids about their mother. Frankly, he should not be making fun of anyone's physical appearance - it's mean and it's shallow and it's teaching the wrong lesson to his children. If the kids make yo mama so fat jokes, your husband should be shutting them down and teaching them to be kind to others, not laughing with them.
It is wrong. He’s setting a
It is wrong. He’s setting a terrible example for his kids.
Yes that is totally wrong.
Yes that is totally wrong. It isn’t only that it is setting a bad example, but that has to hurt the kids pretty deeply- whether they show it or not.
Good point. The kids are 1/2
Good point. The kids are 1/2 their mom, whether anyone likes it or not.
I know when I was young (and
I know when I was young (and even now) if I heard someone make fun of or talk badly about either of my parents it would be like a knife to the chest.
He probably treated her
He probably treated her poorly when they were married and made fun of her weight. Sounds like the kids see this as normal. Sad that he makes fun of their mother and her appearance. All he is doing is creating self hate in his own kids since they are half of her.
I can’t stand ‘jokes’ like
I can’t stand ‘jokes’ like this, regardless of who it is. Your DH might think it’s funny but he’s both teaching them it’s ok to make fun of someone’s appearance & also putting down the kids mother to the kids. I can’t stand BM but I’d tear a strip of DH if he ever spoke like her that way in front of the kids because it’s a disgusting & horrible message to send them. It’s not funny.
How would DH feel if BM had a
How would DH feel if BM had a running joke with the kids about how short he was, or that he is balding, or about his small dick? (Or whatever physical flaw he has).
It's wrong to do this to anyone, but especially their mother. It could be construed as alienating behavior.
All CO's have language about
All CO's have language about badmouthing the other parent. It is totally alienating behavior. As much as exH annoys me I never say anything bad or shaming about him or his current woman to the kids. In fact I'll force myself to say something nice like, "your father was very good at ______ when he was in high school." With his current relationship, "That was very thoughtful of SM to do that." Nothing bad ever! The kids will form their own opinions and figure out their relationship with their father on their own. On the flip side he tells them "Your mother is crazy!" Yeah thanks exH. I was crazy for putting up with your sh*t as long as I did but the kids will never find out all the dirt from me.
He's wrong.
He's wrong.
Well, all I can say about this
is God forbid YOU ever get fat!!! How awful of him. To make fun of anyone's appearance, let alone his kids' mom.
Or divorced.
Or divorced.
That is SO VERY WRONG
If he can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. He is teaching them to disrespect their mother. AND, he is teaching them it is ok to be mean and disrespectful in general. He's not gonna like it when they start doing it to him.
What a jerk!
What a jerk!
Tell him he's acting like a mean girl. That might make him zip it.
Or double up on his joke with your own that makes fun of him. He might be so shocked, he shuts up.
Or just say, as they're all laughing, "Nice people don't laugh at how others look." Defend the woman! Just because she's "the enemy," doesn't mean you can't defend her. And you really should -- show the kids you are not on board with bullying.
I agree and have said something to my husband. He just does not
See it as a big deal because the kids know he's just joking and they join in. Actually BM wore the pants in the family and unfortunately still does. This could be DH way of feeling he has some control as he would never have the balls to say this to BM,' s face.
What if the kids end up fat?
What if the kids end up fat? Or how will he feel if they end up with an eating disorder? How about if they get suspended from school for bullying someone (but they were just joking)? What if one day mom does get diabetes or has a heart attack or some other health problem because she is overweight- how will they feel about dad and themselves for making fun of her? What if one of them has kids in the future that has some sort of an issue with weight and gets bullied?
What is he REALLY gaining out of it?! Does he want the kids to not like her? Does he want to be seen as the “fun” parent?
Yea, when the whole room is
Yea, when the whole room is laughing, no one wants to be the wet blanket who defends the person who is the butt of the joke, but that doesn't mean that the kids aren't hurt by his words. This could come back to haunt your husband. These skids shift their allegiances on a dime, not to mention that you all might need BM someday, so it's a bad move to bad mouth her.
I guess your husband is buying into the new playbook that says you can make fun of anyone to feel bigger and better yourself. Is he in politics? (Ha, ha!)
Now that you mention it..
Now that you mention it...that's how my dad acts. The insult-as-joke move. And my mom wears the pants in their marriage too, and, to put it gently, she is constantly harping on him -- and I mean 24/7 nagging, controlling my dad. And my dad won't engage her or press back except that he's a bastard about all women and makes digs about my mom when she's not around. It makes my dad so ugly toward all women, I don't even see either of them anymore.
So your guy's anger comes out sideways: not directly to his ex-wife, where it probably belongs, but in the form of nasty comments about his ex-wife in front of his kids about their mom. And by getting the kids to join in, he probably feels bigger and like he has allies, but it's so cowardly!
Ohhhh...that's unattractive...weak man's sideways anger screwing up his kids. Maybe someday his kids won't want to be around him just like I don't want to be around my father. Too bad. It stings thinking about it.
This is very wrong. He
This is very wrong. He shouldn't be making fat jokes about anyone. Period.
But he especially should not be making negative comments about their mother.
How would he like it if BM and kids had a grand old time laughing about how he's an idiot.
This is wrong on soooooo many
This is wrong on soooooo many levels. Why is her name even coming up in jokes or conversations anyway??? He's setting a poor example as I'm sure many have stated before me and its not funny. He seems very immature and if this is his way of having fun and engaging with his kids than he needs to find a new hobby that is more constructive. I don't respect anyone who can talk no ill about a person in front of their kids.
Fat Shaming anyone is wrong
It doesnt really matter the whys. It simply is.
DH likes to make fun of how crazy BM Toxic Troll is, and how she makes people crazy being with her. Its true, however I am not comfortable making negative remarks, and am quick to point out, "well you spent 20 years with that, plus munchkin was born of that, so there..." they get quiet very quickly.
Exactly he wasn't complaining
Exactly he wasn't complaining about her being fat when the kids were conceived......really childish.
Says a lot about him I'm afraid.
BM is the clear winner in this situation.
Sounds like he’s the “fun”
Sounds like he’s the “fun” parent at all costs.
Making fun of physical traits is terrible. “Just kidding” isn’t a reason to be hurtful. He is teaching his kids that it’s ok to be cruel and it’s ok to laugh at other people.
Tell him that most people do that to cover up their own inadequacies. Small d!ck perhaps?
OK, I have your fix...
OK, I have your fix...
Ask your husband how he would feel if his kid came home from school crying because he overheard someone saying about him what your husband said about his ex. He would want to kill the other kid for making his kid hurt. We all have that reaction when someone hurts someone we love. Use that to make your point.
"So it's OK to do it to others as long as no one does it to your kids? Don't you think it's possible it really hurts the kids when you bad mouth their mother, but they're laughing along because you're their father? You're teaching your kids to be the bullies who makes others cry. You show them it's OK to disrespect women. You show them it's OK to talk behind backs. You show them it's OK to take from someone they're bullying -- their own mother -- because you say all this stuff and never have to see her, but they go home to her. And you're teaching them to keep quiet when someone is cruel rather than defend people who deserve defending. How is that right?"
I can't believe a parent
I can't believe a parent believes that this is acceptable behaviour. Boggles my mind!
I could not be with someone like this. He is not a kind nor compassionate person and instead, he is cruel to the mother of his own children, in front of his children???? I'd wonder what he says and thinks about me when I'm not in the room.
If he did not change his behaviour, I would leave. This is simply not something I could support.
Maybe you should tell his
Maybe you should tell his kids as they're laughing at their mom,
"Your father's really angry with your mom, so he makes jokes like that, but you guys don't have to join in if you don't want to," and then just walk out all high and mighty.
I mean, that's probably the truth, so maybe you should just be really up front with them. You might get a fight from him about it, but I think calling your guy out might put an end to the jokes because he'll be sort of "outted" then as passive aggressive and bullying. It's not as funny when you hear a joke in that light.
Your husband is being an ass.
Your husband is being an ass. Period. He's teaching his children how to be little asses who will grow up to be insensitive asses just like dear ol' dad.
If you can't say something nice, STFU.
Your DH is wrong. While I
Your DH is wrong. While I believe that kids should be kept abreast of the facts of the blended family opposition in an age appropriate manner one parent should not badmouth the other to the children.
BM may very well be fat. The kids are fully aware of that. They do not need their father being an ass about BM's weight.