Think of me tonight
Previously I posted that I thought some kind of break is coming with DH. I think it's a breakdown rather than a breakthrough. He's really ramped up lovey-dovey stuff. And that should sound great. However, with DH it's not an altruistic move and a simple expression of love. He expects something in return; I now owe him. He left post-it notes with lovey statements. Not just in one spot, but many, many spots. I didn't just look at them and think that it was sweet, I know that I'd be in trouble if I didn't respond in-kind. I put a small post-it in a book he's reading on the page he bookmarked. Well, he was upset two days later that I hadn't responded to the post-its. I knew I'd be in trouble. I said so out loud. (And you can say I could have said something directly to him, but I also have had him be upset that I only said something and didn't do anything.) I showed him the book. He asked how he was supposed to know it was there since he's not currently reading it so I asked how I was supposed to know he wasn't reading it. It's on his nightstand with a bookmark in it and it's not covered in a bunch of other stuff (like is typical if he hasn't touched something in a while).
Then he's upset Saturday night because I wasn't as enthusiastic as I guess I should have been to watch a movie with him. "But I just want to do something together." Um, we just went out for the evening the night before, we saw a play last weekend, we also had another dinner scheduled for the next night.
Yesterday I wanted to go outside to walk/exercise because it was finally nice. He said he'd walk the dog. He was upset I didn't want to walk together. He asked if I wanted to talk together and I said no, that walking alone is good for me, it allows me to rest my brain.
We've been sleeping separately because he snores like a freight train and it's getting worse. We sat together for a while.and when it was time to sleep he was upset I assumed we were sleeping separately. Well, yeah, 'cause if we are together he sleeps and I don't.
Even an offer of a backrub (I have a bad back) is just foreplay.
It all feels manipulative and controlling.
And this morning I'm leaving and see his car is still at the house. I haven't heard him at all so I go looking. You know, like you do since you wonder if someone got hurt. He's on the bed curled up with his back to the door. I ask if he's staying home. Just for a little while longer. He's obviously upset. But like has happened before, he's having bad feelings, doesn't like them, and I know he's gonna make me the bad guy so I have to handle/resolve his feelings. And I'm guessing that although we had some nice times, that things didn't all go his way and he's upset. We shall see tonight. Not really looking forward to going home. (Work also sucks right now, so life is fun all the way around.)
- ITB2012's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'd be ultra fed up with this
I'd be ultra fed up with this and just tell him such, consequences be damned:
"DH, I don't have the mental capacity right now to deal with your BS. You have a therapist, call him and discuss how you're feeling and what you should do to feel better. I'm not your therapist, and it's not my job to help you feel better every time you feel like crap. I have my own things to deal with currently and there is no space for your issues that you need to settle on your own. Now, either figure out how to have a good night with me, go talk to your therapist, or go be on your own. The mantrum is exhausting and I'm over it."
Then go do you. Unless you think he'll get violent, just go do your own thing. Your marriage is already rocky at best. No need to p*ssyfoot around him. He either accepts his faults and fixes them, or you continue to find out what it'll mean to be free again.
Good god this man is
Good god this man is exhausting!!! He doesn't need a wife, he needs a mommy. One who will spoon feed him and wipe his a$$ for him and tell him he's a good boy.
Sounds exhausting!
Sounds exhausting!
Gimlet~ made excellent points
Gimlet~ made excellent points and your H comes across as very manipulative and like nothing you do is to his satisfaction. Whatever he does for you should be from his heart and without expectation. He wants you to make him feel better and own his emotions which you cannot. You are not responsible for how he feels and he needs to come to terms with that.
If he doesn't learn the tools to manage his feelings OP, you are in for a miserable ride with this man. He can't seem to take accountability for himself and directs everything toward you because it keeps him from owning his shit.
You keep doing the work to heal and ultimately do what is best for you and your mental well being.
Seems like he has
Seems like he has expectations that are not based in reality. I think it's reasonable to have certain expectations for certain things (please pass the potatoes, the potatoes are passed, and the recipient of the potatoes says thank you--that is reasonable). But to have a specific expectation for a response to his love bombing is just not based in any kind of reality.
Does your DH think he's being reasonable that you are supposed to react in a very specific way to his little notes, or whatever manipulatve game he chooses?
Very glad you're learning how to be strong in the face of this childish behavior.
Does he have ADD? Am I
Does he have ADD? Am I remembering this right?
I was wondering that
I had posted a long time ago. DH actually got tested (by the therapist he went back to now) who said he doesn't have it. (There was a suspicion since OSS was diagnosed as ADHD.) Not that he should get an excuse but I wonder if he's got ADD or Aspergers.
Was he tested by a therapist
Was he tested by a therapist or a psychologist? I don't know that therapists are qualified to interpret those tests. It does sound like it could possibly be Aspergers. I'm so sorry for you. I don't think I could take this behavior. Does he also have a temper? If so, I'd be afraid he could become violent towards you.
You may be married to my
You may be married to my exhusband. Well, or my formerSO. Both behaved like this.
So glad I'm single now.
What seems to be working
is just ignoring it. Don't know if he gets past it, is saving it, or just forgets.
Still annoying.
He might feel that y'all are
He might feel that y'all are drifting apart and is desperately trying to close that "distant" feeling. Not sleeping in the same rooms will also increase his feeling of alienation.
Him becoming angry and frustrated with you is NOT cool though. He should make these overtures without the drama and hurt feelings. Create a sense of fun and romance in your lives w/o it feeling too conditional. Massage often leads to sex w me and SO too. Says that all the touching is a turn on. Shrug. I wouldn't look at it as manipulation but moreso as natural.
If he still loves you and is attracted to you, then massage will invariably turn him on and make him start to pursue you in that way. I would take it as a compliment. What you SHOULD hold out for, though, is a certain good chunk of massage.. say 20-30 minutes.. before sexy time. Make him writhe around a bit first.
It's not a compliment to only
It's not a compliment to only get a massage because it's viewed as transactional. He massages her BECAUSE he expects to get sex at the end. Not because he gets turned on during the process. All his involvements with OP have been transactional, or tit-for-tat if he can't manage to get something out of it. He has shown he is incapable of doing things alone. There has to be some back-and-forth aspect to what he does, otherwise he does nothing. That's why his kids are a hot mess; he only ever stepped in when he felt like OP was making him look bad and he needed to one-up her.
None of this behavior should be taken as a compliment or "in good spirits".
There seems to be a major
There seems to be a major communication gap between you two. I would either just cut my losses and start preparing for a divorce or start couples therapy asap to see if there is a way to bridge that gap.
Your husband is manipulative and childish and displaing abusive tendancies. It is possible that if these tendancies were pointed out to him and he was helped to find better outlets for his emotions he may be able to curb them. That's where the therapists should be coming in. However it also seems like you are done with this man and this relationship. I do not blame you one bit from what you have described. Is it worth sticking with this relationship and hoping he will wake up? Are you hoping he will change or just waiting for something else before you are ready to leave him?