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Reaching the aha moment

Sheetshow's picture

Submitted by Sheetshow on Fri, 02/28/2020 - 10:45pm

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Teenage Stepchildren

I bought a erasable note pad for my fridge. Hubby and me leave cute little notes on it. Sd even has to take over the fridge note pad.  Of course, she has to fill it up with notes for her dad...she has big text with dark circles covered all over all her notes now overwriting anything i leave on it. ( sounds petty but she even has to take over my note board to make sure i fully understand whos the women of the house )  there is no room for my notes. Sounds stupid but it was the final straw that broke the monkeys back..                                                                                                                                                                 i stared at the note pad and for some reason it was the big aha moment. I stared at it and cried. There is no me in this equation...im just a small marking in hubbys life... that can be overwritten and erased at sd whim...sd not only took over my note pad she has taken over my entire home...everything in this house revolves around her to the point its absolutely god dam ridiculous.....

Id love to leave a note for her and hubby on my fridges note pad.  One day i will leave this note to them.                                                                                                                                                                                   Dear sd and hubby                                                           i hope the two of you have a long beautiful relationship. Sd, since you go above and beyond to make me realize your the women of this house there is more to being your dads women then getting all his money and getting all of his time and attention.  Since you are so gun hoe to run this place you will need to also become the maid, cook, hold down a full time job and give 70 percent of your income to pay for yours and your dads place. Its really tough to work 50 hrs a week  and then come home and clean up your new house. Im sure, you to will miss me when the internet , phone  hydro, cell phones start to be shut off.... all the dirty dishes.... garbage...laundry starts to pile up. By the way hubby by then the love of your life will give up her thorne and move on. Myself i hope by then ill be the queen in another mans castle..

Tys for letting me vent exit plan in place                                                                                                                                           

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 02/29/2020 - 7:24am

You are correct that you are not important in this equation, except to warm his bed and pay his bills - but that's not because you are defective, it's because you chose poorly when it came to partners. Please don't take his behavior as proof that YOU are the problem - HE is the problem.

And I agree with the previous poster who said to strive to be Queen of your OWN castle, not some other man's castle. That's the key to finding a good relationship - be independent and believe in yourself.

Now start saving up and get out. And in the meanwhile, stop paying this guy's bills for him.

OnlyHuman's picture

Submitted by OnlyHuman on Sat, 02/29/2020 - 9:18am

Those slaps of reality, those obnoxious passive aggressive moves by SD are very, very impactful!  She won! (Not that she knows she won...yet.)

Seems so very many of us share common themes in our relationships to DH and Skids.  Selfish as it sounds, I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one, and yet deeply saddened to know that others are effected in a similar way by all the dysfunction that seems to abound in these relationships. 
  
I would arrive home from work every Friday (after a long, stress filled work week and stressful position) to snide remarks from SD.  She would pounce on me verbally in the driveway and begin with the insults (ie I HATE your nail polish!" To which I'd smile and reply, "Good thing you're not wearing it.") and so much more!  I dreaded coming home! 

DH, after having been bad mouthed for years by BM and her mother to the kids was in a losing position, and by default, so was I.  He wanted to be the perfect father, have a perfect father / daughter relationship, he wanted to have with his daughter what I had with my father, but that was never going to happen, because deep down she had such pathological issues and the inability to love anyone but herself.  Very sad. 

SD  was smart enough to make her derogatory comments out of ear shot of her father.  She'd later call him to her room and fake cry telling him I didn't like her. (Yep! She was 100% right! Even though I tried to not let her see that.).  She was constantly trying to make every effort to sabatoge my relationship with DH, including begging him in front of me to get back together with BM many times over the years. 

Once she moved out, she proved herself to him.  Despite all he did for her, she ignores him (until she absolutely needs something!). And he has figured it out, albeit years later--or maybe he accepts it now--that they will never have a normal, loving relationship. 

I never had to point out her shortcomings to DH because on some level he knew she was a habitual liar and master manipulator.  In private he would tell me "She's just like her mother!" 
 

I would never advocate anyone live under those miserable conditions.  I'll always wonder if I should've spoken up sooner, would that have made a difference, would he have allowed himself to see how damaging she was to our relationship and initiated a change for our betterment?   No one knows. 
 

Hope you're able to do what's in your best interest. 

 

 

Sheetshow's picture

Submitted by Sheetshow on Sat, 02/29/2020 - 10:03am

Ty you guys for all the awesome advice ...im so sorry you had to endure what im going threw now. I understand, how hard it is to grasp the concept of feeling like the other women. Sound sick but there is no other way to describe it... is there ? :(                                                                                                                                                                 being constantly accessed of hating his kid, all the lame excuses,  being ignored and treated like you dont exist in your home you are helping or in my case paying to live in, and on and on it goes.                                                                                             You know im to old to wait and hope for his loser kid to leave. She quit school, doesnt work, and i realize daddy will be supporting her ass for many years to come. To be honest, i lost all respect and love for this man. All i see lately when i look at him is a big loser just like his daughter.they really deserve each other :(....

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 02/29/2020 - 10:07am

Yeah, she's not the problem, she's a symptom of the problem: HIM and the way he allows her to behave and the way he treats you.

You deserve better. Being alone would be better.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 02/29/2020 - 5:18pm

TIme to give DH the instruction to file for divorce from his mini-wife or he will be losing his real wife. Including her income, the home will be sold, and she will take him for everything she can.  When that happens she hopes that his mini-wife will work 50 hours per week to help supoort him and will service all of his personal and household needs.

Get hip deep up the 17.5yos ass and make her life a living hell.  Light the burning platform on fire now so that by the time she turns 18 or graduates from HS she will run for the edge and leap. 

Thojpov's picture

Submitted by Thojpov on Wed, 04/01/2020 - 1:14pm

Some guys are just very lame. For some reason they don't see things. It's like their blind or something or maybe they just don't care. Who knows what the real issue is. 

Some will figure it out when you leave. Some never will. They will never know how good they had it.