Handling Education
I know this is a common topic but it's something that is of a lot of concern to me. The step kids are failing out of school. SO does not welcome my input or support me when I try to install rules and boundaries and disciplinary measures as a result of these grades.
SO acts like they are so on top of this situation but their answer is to move goal posts. Here's a typical interaction:
"honey you can only play for one day this weekend and next weekend if your grades aren't up I'm taking away your gaming entirely"
This "one day" turns into a whole weekend. Next week rolls around, no change in abyssmal grades. Interaction:
"honey I'm only letting you play this one weekend but if your grades are still down next weekend I'm not going to let you play."
Notice how the norm is now all weekend instead of one day. also it's from the morning all the way into the evening and throughout the whole night. TV is also allowed on the weekdays. Next week rolls around, I mean this child has a 4% in English. A 4! Abysmal grades. Interaction when child asks to play:
"Well, you know I already told you you can play on the weekends, silly!"
No checking of the grades. No nothing. I'm treated like I'm an evil know nothing if I say anything about any of this. My answer is just take everything away from these brats.. and I do mean everything, until they bring their grades up. And then I'm told "oh, you just want them to live in prison. Harsh discipline doesn't work with my kids."
But it's me that's going to be living in prison when all these kids fail to launch. Which brings up a question about disengaging from educating the children. If I do that, which I have started to do, it's going to come around and bite me because they're not going to launch and then I'll be stuck with them.
It's a no-win situation all the way around. Talk about being in prison.
Do any of y'all have common sense solutions for the education problem? I'm all ears.
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Yeah, this would be tough to
Yeah, this would be tough to disengage from, as it will affect you. Your husband needs to know that his kids WILL launch, one way or another, whether they are ready or not, so if he wants them to succeed, he needs to step it up. Because, even if he has to move out with them, they will be moving out at the appropriate age.
This was a (another) big
This was a (another) big issue I had with formerSO. Absolutely no oversight or knowledge on how his son was doing in school (until the school called him). His kid did very poorly because he never did homework (until the school called), didn't participate in class and often was kicked out of the classroom due to his behavior. He never reviewed his son's work (even if the school called, as long as it was "done" he was ok with whatever trash the kid was going to turn in... if he remembered to anyway).
Of course I was "being mean", "too critical", "not his parent" (of course, I'm supposed to just be the slave!).
If a skid doesn't launch because they did poorly in school, are lazy, bio parent doesn't really want them to, the step can leave... but why go through 5/8/10/15 years of step bullshit when you can see what is coming?
I say draw some hard lines, if they aren't followed you are simply wasting your life.
I would be tempted to
I would be tempted to encourage your husband to talk directly to the school and the kids teachers to ask for advice on how he can best help them at home. Let him get some "expert" advice from the teachers as it is often easier to hear from outsiders than our own partners.
If you really want to do something you could try keeping a log of their computer/tv use together with the threats your husband makes and their grades and then present all of this information to your husband in a few months to show that his methods are not working?
Other than that it is probably best to leave things alone, your husband will either realise eventually that he needs to follow through on threats and apply them consistently or he won't. Start talking to your husband though about expectations for when kids will move out of the house and what support they will recieve as adults, making clear where you stand on these things.
There was a step mom on here years ago who destroyed a games consol or two I seem to remember, not sure if it was her kid's or one of her step's consol. This is extream though, and probably best just to hide it somewhere and only do it if your husband is onboard.
It's funny you should mention
It's funny you should mention that...
SO has requested that I go to all meetings and handle all interactions with the schools. SO suffers from social anxiety and also says "I don't want to hear the schools talking badly about the kids, it will make me angry."
And I have done it for over 6-7 years. Handling every meeting and parent-teacher conference. Meeting with teachers putting together grade recovery strategies. Meeting with guidance counselors when the children started to go to high school.
I have tried to limit game and phone times as punishments, and SO used to be more on board. But never fully. I always felt handicapped to go the full way to getting these kids on the right track. They are always being given leeway or Grace from these punishments that should stay ironclad and non-negotiable. As the children become teens and are in high school, their no good friends give them disposable phones to get around the punishment. I mention the rooms should be searched, and their bags, for any contraband that goes against the punishments for grades... And all I get is SO asking... ASKING these little liars if they have another phone. Of course SD said no!
Before Christmas break the punishments were working to get SD to pass the semester. she was engaged and showing that she's doing the work and trying to bring the grades up. But as soon as she goes back to school for a few days, she all of a sudden starts to not care. There's precedent there because their elder brother, a dropout, pulled the same stunt with these disposable phones to get around punishments. SO concluded that punishments weren't working and gave them all their stuff back. But now SD has 5fs! SO currently gaslights me into thinking punishments don't work to bring grades up, when I've seen it for myself with these kids up until they got disposable phones.
The only reason they don't play the game on the weekday is because of my input. Now it just seems like SO is giving up. Gaslighting me into thinking I'm a bad person for caring about their grades. Telling me, "You will never care about their grades more than me."
Which sounds good, but I just don't see it. When I try to point out how involved I've been in their education and I should have more of a say, I'm told: "in the beginning you told me you wanted to be more involved with the kids, so I gave you what you wanted, and now you're complaining?"
I don't remember the conversation going like that or meaning that. I'm just extremely frustrated. I'm not being given the tools that I need.
That is a tough one. They say
That is a tough one. They say you can't care more than the parents, but you also don't want to have them with you until they are 30. Maybe have a frank conversation with your husband about what his expectations are for the kids. Does he expect them to graduate high school? What is his plan if they don't? What about college or trade school? What does he envision their future to be like if they continue to do as they have done? How old do they have to be before he stops paying all their bills and makes them move out? I don't know their ages but i'm guessing he has his head in the sand and hasn't thought, hasn't really pictured what their lives will be like in the future. Not everyone is a good student, but at some point these kids will have to learn to feed themselves. And his answers to your questions may give you a look into your future if you stay with him.
There doesn't appear to be
There doesn't appear to be any salient plan. I know I have the reputation as being the stick in the mud of this house, but someone has to point out reality. SO just basically hopes for the best without putting anything into motion to bring about the best. It's all wishful thinking and has no basis in reality, but SO gets angry and fusses at me when I say something about it.
This is a losing battle - DH
This is a losing battle - DH fought it with BM. If the bio parents don't care about education enough to set tough limits, there is nothing that you can do. Even as in our case, when one bio parent set limits and the other didn't, it was completely pointless. All that will happen is that you will become the big meanie.
My SS20 barely passed high school, dropped out of community college and is now in Full Failure To Launch mode at BM's. But I knew DH would NEVER let him live here and do nothing, so in that sense, I didn't worry.
How old are the kids? Have you guys discussed his ideas for making them more responsible and independent?
I agree with tog and would
I agree with tog and would add that a stepparent can't care more about education than bio parents do.
DH claims that he cares about education, but neither SS does a lot of work and DH doesn't monitor or check.
BM only wants to remove all obstacles from SSs, so their grades magically go from Ds and Fs to As at the end of the semester, because they have IEPs and she complains to the school so much. In the time I have known them, they have changed teachers about 7 times. They both changed teachers this year, one changed two teachers. The first was because the math teacher was "mean", so they both changed. The second was because the social studies teacher was "too hard for everyone". Then when SSs end the semester with averages over 100, even though their original test grades were Ds and Fs and they each have several missing assignments, we're supposed to congratulate them on their good grades, at BM's demand.
Both kids have IEPs, but in all honesty, I don't think either kid really qualifies. They are both identified as having "health issue - not otherwise specified" and neither has accommodations that would help them, just extra "minutes" in the resource room. BM was beaming about their increase in "assessment" scores, she said the school said it was the largest increase they had ever seen. It was an increase in their lexile scores for reading. The previous year, they both tested at 3-4 years below grade level and this year, they are maybe approaching grade level or maybe one year below grade level. BM had no idea what the assessment was for or what the scores meant. And of course, their low reading scores didn't inspire her to provide more opportunities for them to read. We see them EOWE and have a full library of books at appropriate reading levels for them. I used to make them read when they were with us and I stopped, because I figured it wasn't doing anything.
They will be in high school next year and I think it will be more difficult to get their grades changed...also, they will have to actually pass courses that demonstrate they don't need college remediation in order to graduate in our state. I'm sure their all purpose IEPs will give them an out.
It really bothers me, because education is important in my family and DH claimed it was important in his, too. It's not important enough for him to devote time to it. In some ways, I don't blame him, because BM maintains complete control and when he's made suggestions or asked about things he's gotten a rude response (for example, when one SS was in 4th grade and scored well below grade level on the state language arts assessment, DH wanted him to go to summer school, so he could catch up, BM cried and said "it would be punishment" and then told SS that DH thought he was dumb), but in other ways, I think he should care more.
That said, I have zero control over it, so I have to not worry about it. If SSs can't find any employment after high school, that will be on BM and she will have to deal with it. Our plan is to move away once SSs become "adults", in my view that is 18, so BM will be on her own. If she wants to tell DH that he's terrible, she can go right ahead, she created this mess and she can live with it.
I overheard my SS telling DH
I overheard my SS telling DH it was the high school's fault he did poorly because they "just pushed me through". Lol! DH said, it's your fault, not theirs. If they hadn't pushed him through I'm sure he'd have dropped out and then not even had a high school diploma. But I'm sure BM blames the school too. What a pair they are.
I wish I had a EOW situation
I wish I had a EOW situation here. Unfortunately these kids are with us full-time. They only have us and themselves. They have no ability to launch from my perspective. Or to fend for themselves. Whenever I broach the subject of them being with us into their 30's, I'm told that I just hate them and there will be no further discussion.
I was recently told that the only reason I ever cared about their grades is because I feared them being stuck with us. That I don't care about them, that I hate them. But when I first got involved it wasn't about fears at all. I meant well.....
I have a 15 SS 16 SD and 21 SS. 21 SS is a dropout. Can't really keep a job. No immediate exit by him in sight. I fear the other two will be the same.
My DS and DD are younger. 7 and 5.
Your son and daughter are
Your son and daughter are learning from his kids, as much as they are learning from you.
It sounds like your SO is gaslighting you into compliance every time you bring up his failing kids.
My thought? Sticking around to watch his kids fail at life is not worth the potential harm that normalizing such failures to your children will cause. Do you want your children to turn out like this?
Totally Agree
I would be in a funny farm if I had the three ferals full time and yet under the Gir and Chef's (no) rules
My only saving grace is they PASed out over a decade ago. I still watch the trainwreck from afar. Your DuH is the problem here as he's in a race to the bottom with BM to keep full custody. And your bios will resent YOU for the double standard. DuH and BM's next step will be to get the skids labeled "learning disabled" which will involve doctor shopping and meds as a smokescreen for their complete abdication of parenting. IEPs for bad parenting.
Your only option are (good, better, best):
1. Go into self preservation mode by gaslighting DuH and skids causing them to go running back to the BM
2. Disengage. Don't make any rules nor do any parenting, cooking, cleaning etc for tge skids.
3. End decades of misery via divorce
What could I gaslight them
What could I gaslight them about?
Ugh - I see why you feel
Ugh - I see why you feel desperate. But clearly he isn't going to change his parenting and doesn't care if his kids launch or not. Is BM completely out of the picture?
I think you have a tough choice to make, for your own kids and your sanity.
Gone. And SO won't put on CS.
Gone. And SO won't put on CS. I just feel stuck. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of it. SO is so damn good at making me think I shouldn't be feeling a way all.