Circular logic of SO
So this morning I've been trying to wrap my mind around some of the responses I'm getting to a gentle query, or as gentle as possible, regarding the adult SK'S and SO'S plans for them.
In my previous blog, I gave some examples of launching strategies without having higher education or technical school. Seeing as at least two of these step kids are going to drop out, I figured it was useful to come up with these strategies and bring them up with SO. But we have been fighting bitterly about this, well I've been trying to do the gray rock thing but... Here are some responses.
To national parks: "you really want to send my kids to work on a super volcano that could erupt at any time? Or to be eaten by a bear?"
Merchant Mariners: "The ocean is dangerous there are storms and pirates" Yes, you read that right. Pirates. Does SO think I meant dearest SK should be working off the coast of Somalia?
Cruiseliners- high seas... And dyssentary and coronavirus. Sigh.
Resorts: "Do you think they could just waltz on to a resort and get some cushy job like that? The world doesn't even work that way." Ummm yes, they can. It's perfectly doable all they have to do is hit the pavement and call around. Fudge their resume if they have to. Whatever it takes!
Every time we get into these conversations, it's like we end up right back at the start, which is basically I shouldn't be saying anything. There's no progress, there's nothing. At least nothing that I can immediately see.. maybe there are seeds planted or something I don't have the foggiest idea. It just seems like I'm throwing an endless supply of pocket change into a bottomless well.
SO eventually admitted to me what this is all about:
"I want my kids close so that I can watch out for them if something happens. I need to be there to correct anything that they do wrong or if they are in danger I need to be close so I can protect them."
There's so much wrong with this statement that I can't even begin. SO doesn't correct anything. and this sort of behavior or mentality is going to make it so these kids never grow up.
Here's the nail in the coffin. It's like SO's Ace in the sleeve pulled out every time.
"Look don't you understand by now? My kids ARE me. I AM my kids. If you attack them you attack me."
round and round
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Comments
At least you know that you'll
At least you know that you'll have your SO's failure to launch children around, being coddled and probably supported by daddy, for many years to come. With that information, you can plan accordingly.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
"So, you have done
"So, you have done so poor a job at preparing them for life that you will have to hold their hands forever. Thanks so much for the heads up. We need to talk about how to split up our assets because that is not going to work for me. Can we do this amicably or is it going to get ugly?"
My FIL was still enmeshed
My FIL was still enmeshed with his daughters when he died in his seventies. The enmeshment also extended to include two granddaughters. He died with zero savings and a heavily mortgaged home despite having two pensions and social security. None of these women have ever lived independently, and two literally cannot take care of themselves. Their lives have been very difficult without FIL.
That's what you're up against, OP. Enmeshment/Emotional Incest is very difficult to overcome, because both parent and child are getting something out of it. Enmeshed kids seldom launch, and even those who do move out often boomerang or need frequent financial bailouts...for. ever.
Your SO wants to have it all: he wants his true love(s), and his wants you for domestic service, sex, and financial help. You need to decide what your limits are, and how long you're willing to remain in this dysfunction because the odds are it isn't going to change.
70's? Perish the thought!
70's? Perish the thought! Heavens to Betsy that's a long time.
I do want to wait a while until my daughter's not 5 though
"Look don't you understand by now? My kids ARE me. I AM my kids. If you attack them you attack me."
Wow that's a Narc comment if I ever heard one. They have no life of their own but are extensions of your DH. He's blatantly telling you that you will never be free of them. Make your choice - live with his kids as dependents forever or leave.
Your SO is badly in need of
Your SO is badly in need of an intervention by Super Nanny...
He doesn’t see his kids as people.
This is a huge issue. Idk if anything will change your DH's mind, but he has to start thinking in terms of the SKs as people who will be adults. Does your DH depend on his parents, or would he consider himself a failure if so? Is this what he wants for his kids, to be for lack of a better word, losers, as adults? If he thinks of them as part of him, that will make him a loser also.
I fear i'm dealing with something similar. "SS 9 is a person. With his own feelings. And *people* want to know where they are sleeping at night." I said this to my SO about their lack of a schedule and daily calls to determine where the kids will stay. I think both he and BM think about what is best for them and confuse it for what is best for the kids. I hope this is something that can be changed.
If I could guess, I'd say
If I could guess, I'd say this is exactly how BM in our situation thinks. That SS20 NEEDS her to protect him, not that she's totally emotionally crippled him out of her own fear and enmeshment. She has gradually taken away any sense he ever had that he could be a capable person on his own and made him 100% dependent on her, but she thinks she's done a fine job.
Your SO thinks what he is doing is GOOD PARENTING. Let that sink in.
I know you want to stay to protect your child - so just stop talking to him about launching his kids and focus on your own kids and your life and how you are going to get out.
He’s so worried and excusing skids pathetic-ness and laziness
saying he needs to protect them from everything. Is he not also meant to protect you from this crazy shittylife and all the skid issues you have to “as he feels- suck it up!!”
you attack his kids you attack him so when his kids attack you, disrespect you, are mean to you, well hun your husband just said you are on your own.
he’s already said he will not protect you or have your back... i told hubby he could go right ahead and look for wife #3 because there is no way I will tolerate that and he needed to have my back... i’ve got 3 skids (2 who are adults and an exwife) telling hubby to transfer property of his solely in their names (my 2 kids are excluded from it). I told hubby it starts with one then another till one day hubby dies and i find out we are kicked to the street and my kids nothing because we are the shitty 2nd family. Hubby said he would never ever do that to me or our kids that he had our backs. I told him i was real worried being married to him now and I wasn’t gonna be put in a position of fighting 3 skids and an exwife trying to rid us... things changed after that and hubby bought a home overseas (put in my name) so we never have to worry and skids or exwife can’t do shit about it, they can’t even take us to court...
i just don’t get these parents who excuse shitty behaviour and expect their partner just takes it.. wth??
He’s so worried and excusing skids pathetic-ness and laziness
saying he needs to protect them from everything. Is he not also meant to protect you from this crazy shittylife and all the skid issues you have to “as he feels- suck it up!!”
you attack his kids you attack him so when his kids attack you, disrespect you, are mean to you, well hun your husband just said you are on your own.
he’s already said he will not protect you or have your back... i told hubby he could go right ahead and look for wife #3 because there is no way I will tolerate that and he needed to have my back... i’ve got 3 skids (2 who are adults and an exwife) telling hubby to transfer property of his solely in their names (my 2 kids are excluded from it). I told hubby it starts with one then another till one day hubby dies and i find out we are kicked to the street and my kids nothing because we are the shitty 2nd family. Hubby said he would never ever do that to me or our kids that he had our backs. I told him i was real worried being married to him now and I wasn’t gonna be put in a position of fighting 3 skids and an exwife trying to rid us... things changed after that and hubby bought a home overseas (put in my name) so we never have to worry and skids or exwife can’t do shit about it, they can’t even take us to court...
i just don’t get these parents who excuse shitty behaviour and expect their partner just takes it.. wth??