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Won't say I love you

kathyd's picture

Submitted by kathyd on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 9:28am

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General Discussion

Everytime SS is being picked up for his visit its usually the same bullsh**, he cries and holds on to BM like he is going to the dentist to have a root canal, carrying on being rediculous causing a scene. Then he gets in the car and after about 5 minutes clms down. Once we get home DH starts with the spoiling,The child gets ANYTHING he wants. He gets special meals usually McDonalds (NEVER EATS ANYTHING THAT IS PREPARED). he gets a trip to the video game store. He gets pretty much anything!

My DH is constantly telling SS that he loves him, and he does, he adores his son. I think he feels guilty that SS lives with BM and not with us (DH and BM have not been together for over 5 years) and he is always trying to compensate for that, the thing is that SS ha NEVER said I Love you back to him.....He says it BM everytime he leaves her and when he talks to her on the phone but NEVER to DH and he is very hurt by this . I'm just going to assume that this is something that happens when a child goes back and forth between parents.It makes me angry that he SS won't say it, the last time it happened I said "WOW Really",  I hadn't meant to say that aloud but did. Anybody else experience this ? 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 10:27am

Maybe BM has told SS not to say it.  With the over the top exchange behavior, it wouldn't surprise me if there's some of that going on.

Here's the thing with those words . . .  I don't put a lot of importance on them.  My DH is constantly saying I love you.  He says it to me, he says it all the time to his kids (and they to him), he says it when he talks to his mother (or any relative) on the phone.  I can look back on old FB posts and see where he and BM would have a verbal love-fest, telling each other and the world that they loved each other, even at a time when she was cheating on him and things were not at all lovey-dovey.  DH throws out I Love Yous like they're going out of style.  I, OTOH, did not grow up in a family where we said I love you a lot.  We don't say I love you when we get together or talk on the phone.  It's a phrase that's rarely used.  My DH comments on it all the time - that my family doesn't say I love you and why don't we love each other.  I finally told him that words are cheap, and that in my family we don't need to say I love you because we SHOW it.  I have no doubt that my parents love me because they do nice things for me constantly, they treat me and those I love kindly and with respect, they constantly show concern for my well-being.  I have never for a minute doubted that I am loved, even without those words being said.  My family "shows the love" far more than his.  I'm sure there's a healthy mix of words and action, but I think it's ridiculous to get hung up on the words.

Kelly_thestepmum_in20s's picture

Submitted by Kelly_thestepmu... on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 4:38pm

Is your love language. And I can relate to this cos in my family (never used I love you word until I met my DH & skids). We showed love through acts of service, quality time and exchange of gifts.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 10:42am

How old is ss?

Please allow me to address this in 2 parts, ok? First the reaction of ss holding on, crying and holding on to BM like he is having a root canal.?

NOT normal. And I really do mean that.  The child is doing that because he is rewarded by his mom.  Make time to watch Dr. Childress on youtube.  Start with number 1

About saying I love you.

does he know what that means?

 

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 10:54am

Wait a minute.

I went back and read your posts.

Didnt mom get busted for Meth?

Hows that going?

Mom still has custody?

 

 

kathyd's picture

Submitted by kathyd on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 12:21pm

BM never actually got busted we were told by people close to her that she was using can't actually prove anything. Yes she still has custody, we went to court but she didn't show up and becasue she has lived in a different county for the past year DH will haveto file there. 

Justanotherrefusingtobeavictim's picture

Submitted by Justanotherrefu... on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 1:02pm

I've been there. Now i have a 19 year old narcissist living with us. DH has been spoiling him for 10 years and SS expects it and doesn't appreciate anything. At 9 years old they are smart enough to know how to fetch for what they want and manipulate situations. The bigger the scene when he is picked up, the bigger reward on both ends. BM waits for his return with anticipation and I am sure that SS tells her how he didn't like the time he spent at dads to make her feel good. BF will try and buy adoration of this kid who will be more and more empowered by this. This is exactly what has happened in our house.  Every time SS had a fit, DH would shuffle all to make his life more comfortable and better. The more it looked like SS had a hard time adjusting, the more rewards followed. Example: SS at 17 vandalised my sons future kindergarten with spray paint, penises, swastikas and satanic words.... 2 weeks later gets an all expenses paid vacation to Florida where he treated me like crap.

Word of advice, take husband to therapy so he learns early on what kind of damage can happen when we reward and try hard to get the admiration the wrong way.

kathyd's picture

Submitted by kathyd on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 3:03pm

I know he is smart enough to know what he is doing, it's just getting painful to have to watch. DH looks devestated becasue SS won't almost refuses to say it back. SS is no angel, maybe I'm just saying this becasue he isn't mine. My kids were never allowed to have food or drink in the living room mainly becasue of the carpeting, Whenever SS is there we have these mysterious stains that no one knows anything about and potato chip crumbs on the furniture and floor. He forgets that he was literally the only person in that room but never knows anything. Forget about watching tv anywhere other than in my bed, he takes over the living room tv with the game consol. last time he was here he came into our bedroom grabs the remote and changes the channel while we are watching tv, what does DH do he says ok we'll go into the living room, NO we won't...I am comfortable and not at the beckon call of a child. He can go back to where he was!  I never look forward to his weekend visits anymore, I use to. 

 

Next week is valentine's day and he is off of school on Friday and Monday. There is no set visitation schedule so it's mainly whenever BM feels moved to bring him. I am sure he will be here next week becasue it's a long weekend. 

 

Dovina's picture

Submitted by Dovina on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 7:02pm

He vandalized your sons room with racist and vile graffitti with no consequences and followed by a trip to florida??? OMG, your neo nazi SS (no pun intended) needs help!! I would never leave him alone with your son. Heck I wouldnt want him loose in the community. VILE !!

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Submitted by DHsfamilyfromhell on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 1:06pm

I have a different opinion, one that may not be popular. 

A parent should never ‘expect’ a kid to say I love you. 

And certainly never pile the pressure on. 

If that were my kid I would cheerfully say bye I love you at the end of the visit. and leave it at that. 

 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 3:03pm

The byebye to mommy tantrums are way past due to end by 9yo.  Nope, this needs to be addressed firmly.

As for the "I love you" issue.  I would say this has every earmark of PAS by BM.  Time for daddy to dig into it firmly with his son.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 4:06pm

I agree with the above. Saying I love you is not the only way to show affection. SS may love his dad, but is not comfortable showing it, or saying it - even if he is comfortable saying it to others in his life. 

Showering praise, gifts and non-stop ss party at your house is not a healthy way to show love from your husband's side. If he wants to improve his relationship with his son then he needs to start acting like a parent and less like a fairy god mother who fulfils every wish. Maybe your husband needs to have some sessions with a parenting coach or a behavioral therapist to help him see how he can love his child and parent in a way that he doesn't have to fear that his son will turn away from him or stop loving him if he does stop catering to his every whim. 

Steptotheright's picture

Submitted by Steptotheright on Sun, 02/09/2020 - 8:19pm

Two factors could be a play here.

Number one: He's staging those sort of dramatic goodbyes because he senses that's what his mother wants him to do. He wants to indicate to her that he's going to miss her and he doesn't want her to have any hard feelings that he's going over to y'all's place. So that's a BM problem, overall. She could be actively poisoning your SS against his dad. Too many birth parents adopt a "us or them" mentality and they force the child to choose. Who the child ultimately chooses as their "favorite" has to do with how much time they spend overall and who is more manipulative. The more manipulative parent  that is unfairly twisting at the child's mind is going to be the one that gets chosen. It's a dirty game, but that's how it is.

Secondly, with the love thing you could be encountering macho stuff.  Guys don't generally want to tell guys that they love them, they're more comfortable telling females that than... say their dad. 

Or it could be a combination of both him being poisoned against DH and macho stuff.

I would suggest not to worry about him saying it back. I would also suggest having a conversation with DH about spoiling him less. paradoxically, spoiling him isn't going to win his favor, its going to push him further away.