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Light bulb moment: DARVO

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 11:52am

Exjuliemccoy used the acronym DARVO in a post a few days ago. I had never heard of that so I looked it up and found a couple of old posts on this site. What an eye opener. This is almost every conversation with my DH, especially if it's a comment that references him or the skids, no matter how mild. Seriously. I can diagram our conversations (arguments) using that acronym. So many times I've had to defend myself, try to get us to stick to the topic, and end up with him offended/hurt and me wondering what the hell just happened.

Thank you

I know I cannot bring it up and I know I cannot stop him from trying, but since I now realize the steps I can try to remove myself though it may be back to not talking at all except for small talk. But that's not a way to have a close relationship with a spouse. Gonna take a little time to think about this and ways I can remove myself even if it has to be a physical removal.

 

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 12:05pm

It stands for Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender. A favoured approach of narcissists.   I haven't seen it mentioned much lately but it is a very recognisable pattern and one that I have seen many times in NPD BM and her daughters. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 1:40pm

Thanks for the info. I had no idea what it stood for and makes perfect sense how this has been used to manipulate a spouse.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 1:50pm

Oh yes, DH does this. He'll back down and feel dumb after things have cooled down, but that's usually his initial tactic when he feels attacked in any way - which he thinks he is no matter how reasonably you approach something. When he confronted MIL once she did the exact same thing and started crying about how "devastated and heartbroken" she was that he could think such awful things about her. That was in response to his carefully thought out text he spent a long time figuring out how to word carefully enough not to provoke her regarding why we weren't going to just leave out one of the kids from a bday celebration and it wasnt okay of her to suggest that. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 9:26pm

IOW, she used tears as a weapon when he didn't bow to her wishes. Ish.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 2:26pm

Yep. Exactly it. Same thing about us alternating Thanksgivings between my family and his. Tears because it wasnt her year.

Sunshinenlemons's picture

Submitted by Sunshinenlemons on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 2:28pm

Hi there, I have just joined this site today and am already very happy that I have. So, does anyone know how to explain how we can stay on topic and kind of reverse this tactic?

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 3:22pm

I'm eight years in and I'm still trying to figure out how to stop it. My problem is I never know when it's going to hit. Statements that I think are tame, innocuous, and would not be a trigger are met with offense and a head-first plunge into this tactic.

For example saying quietly in a "oh, I see this happening, with no judgement" voice, "looks like YSS forgot to rinse his plate" put DH full on into this tactic. A plate. No yelling. No disgust. No demand or even request to call the kid back to do it.

What I'm considering doing is just walking away when the first denial sentence comes out. I've tried logic and explanations. We just go into further spirals of the same tactic.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 3:30pm

I SO relate to this. This is exactly why I cant stand being around MIL. The most benign, innocent comments that you would never think would offend anyone can someone be distorted into something to cause drama. Looking back I can think of ways to handle it, but in the moment I'm so caught off guard that it's hard to do anything but sit there dumbfounded.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 3:59pm

Instead of saying "SS needs to rinse his plate." , try "This plate needs to be rinsed". Take the skid completely out, and just make it an action item. Either your DH does it or tells his kid to do it, but it gets done and you can't be accused of picking on poor Bratleigh. 

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 5:46pm

I can be talking about something that has ZERO to do with anyone else in the house and we can spiral. Really. I was telling DH about how I was getting multiple explanations of how to submit a healthcare expense and it getting rejected every time. Never mentioned him or anyone else but me and the customer support people. He heard me sigh when I looked at an email and asked what was up so I told him. Suddenly he was not responsible for what was going on and there's nothing he could do about it, etc. I had not asked him to do anything. I didn't make it seem like it had anything to do with him. I finally asked him: did I mention you? Did I ask you to do anything? He stopped and finally said no. Then I suggested that perhaps he listen more closely instead of assuming it's about him. (He said he should but it hasn't happened.)

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 6:51pm

OMG, that's awful. Can you put him in the shop to get that fixed? Or trade him in for a newer model that doesn't have wiring issues?

 

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 2:31pm

My BM is a DARVO queen. Nothing is actually her fault and she very regularly tries to tell DH that he suggested things that were actually her idea that didn't work out. 

She also acts as if DH is always trying to strong-arm her, when really he's a complete push-over. I think she claimed that DH and his lawyer were "trying to ruin me" when she was complaining about a provision that her lawyer actually added to their agreement.