Seperating
So it looks like my husband and I are separating after 9 years of building a life together. I won't get into the dirty details of our marriage since a lot of them are similar to others on the board.
Essentially, I married my DH when SD12 was 4 (she was conceived as a trap baby that did't work). BM made our lives hell financially and almost broke us during the never ending custody battle. But we made it through and ended up with SD about 30% of the time. Things went relatively well for several years, besides being super broke. After BM couldn't screw with us any more legally, she started ignoring SD who 'felt like a piece of dust' when she was at BM's. I did everything in my power to make her feel wanted and loved and my DH and her have a very loving relationship. Of course, I felt a lot of the third wheel feelings and annoyance, but dealt with it.
About 2 years ago, SD started taking on a lot of mom's traits, such as laziness, hygiene issues, not following through with any responsibilities, obesity, etc. I did my best to counteract these issue but the BM's influence is strong and anything I did was undone by mom. I'm not totally clueless with kids either as I have worked in juvenile justice for 16 years and have practiced DBT, FFT, ART, and every other therapy acronym. I tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, reward programs, etc. but with 30% custody, it didn't ever pan out.
This year, SD started 6th grade and soon after was emergency expelled for threatening to kill every one at school on Instagram (which BM set up). This led to therapy. After some family sessions, it became clear that SD felt my expectations of her were way to high (my expectation had sunk to expecting her to shower, do homework, and tidy her room every other Sunday). It turned out my DH agreed and felt I was always on her ass and her just wanted our home to be a happy place. I was pretty devastating by all this as I'd spent every other weekend of my life taking her horseback riding, to festivals, to local islands, museums, girls days, kangaroo petting zoos, etc. But that meant nothing.
Soon after, we had her for 9 days of spring break. My DH and I had several blow outs and by this time, my anxiety and depression I used to have were back full blast. I threatened to leave, which I've done before and know is a very unhealthy way to deal with things, but it happened. After a few days, I found this site and suggested maybe I could go back on Prozac and disengage from the parenting of SD. He thought about it for a bit and said nope, we're done.
The crazy thing is, I cannot stop worrying about how he's going to handle life. He'll be a single father of a preteen girl and runs his own general contractor business. I've always done the majority of the parenting, scheduling, etc. plus I do all the books and advertising for his business. I'll be okay (just okay) because I have a decent job and a family to fall back on. He is from Belgium and has absolutely nobody. His daughter and I are his only family. I've tried to discuss this with him but he won't get into it. So I'm looking at apartments and planning to move out at the end of May. Things around here suck, as I am currently sitting on the couch typing this while he's building a fire, both of us completely ignoring each other.
I'm wondering if anyone has any advise on how I alleviate the guilt of leaving him in a tough situation and just take care of myself. Because once I sign a lease on an apartment, I don't think there's any turning back for me. And while I feel nothing but relief about being disconnected from BM and SD, I feel pretty crappy about being done with my husband.
Sorry for the long post. I'm now going to lay back with my dog and let my Xanax kick in.
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Comments
Agree with the get angry.
Agree with the get angry. You're allowed to feel whatever way you feel. He's made his choice. You have no responsibility for what happens to him in the future. You tried to help him and he's ignoring it.
I went through it with my ex sooner or later you learn how to let go for the most point. I'm mad that he throw away 8 years. 8 years of my life for nothing but you know what honestly I'm better off now. I'm not taking care of a man child who makes me feel guilty for reasonable expectations and I like it this way. Hopefully you'll get there soon.
Talk to a therapist, cry and scream, do what ever you have to do. Do not allow him to guilt you. If your not an equal partner then he can find his own way and lie in the bed he made.
You are not leaving him, he
You are not leaving him, he is leaving you. You offered to try a different way of handling things to see if it would help and he said no. This is not on you!
Even though you shouldn't feel guilty, I get why you do. You were responsible for so many aspects of his life it is normal to wonder how he will get along without you - which leads to the guilty feelings. Which you need to try and stop!
You are starting the grieving process and it can take awhile to get through it. Lilac is right, when you get to the anger phase it will make things easier. In the meantime, take comfort from your dog and use the Xanax when you need to.
I think my guilt comes from
I think my guilt comes from the fact that he has nobody. He left home at 15 after too many years of being a punching bag and built a life for himself in the US. But you all are right. He made the choice and frankly, I can's wait to be away from SD, BM, and criticism from DH. He has some wonderful survival qualities but not very good emotional ones.
If only apartments in Seattle weren't a small fortune... Apparently if you make under $52,000 a year, you are considered low income. At least now I will have the ability to take a job anywhere I want.
Hope it's spring by the time
Hope it's spring by the time you arrive... it's been an awful winter/'spring' as you likely know. It was 39 (!) degrees when I got up this morning.
But at least it wasn't raining.
Not your fault or your issue
Not your fault or your issue how he lives. Take care of yourself. I live in the area and understand rent issue...which is why so many are moving further out. We did. It's worth the commute if you love your job.... otherwise yes, think about relocating! Get away from the mess...
He's choosing to have nobody.
He's choosing to have nobody. He's making his own bed; he can lie in it. I have to say the girl teenage years are tough and I'll bet they cause a lot of breakups. Now he will need to step up and parent while you get to enjoy your new freedom. I think you're getting the better end of this deal.
Thanks everyone. Believe me,
Thanks everyone. Believe me, I do get angry and it always feels better when I do. But between times, I get sad. I hate to say how many times I have busted out crying in the parole office I work in. So professional!
It will be better when I can get out of here. SD is here this weekend and I will probably spend the whole time in my room. I'd prefer to be boxing or hiking but I'm having complications with my Rheumatoid Arthritis medicine and my knees aren't cooperating. I can't wait to get back to boxing.
Look on the bright side.. he
Look on the bright side.. he has given you your freedom back! YAAAYYYY!! No more dealing with psycho BM. No more dealing with SD's attitude and laziness. No more dealing with disney dad! Woo HOOO!!
Who the frig gives a flyin' bats butt about what he does now or how he's going to live his life? Who the hell cares? He's a grown ass man and he's already told you he's done..so...be done with him and spread your wings!!
Woman, I'd seriously be fantasizing about all the things I can now do..nobody to answer to..freedom to come and go as you please.. hell, you can even start doing Yoga..meditation..that helps me with my tendonitis..you can stride around your brand new place in boots and nothin else! Drink wine at 3pm and smoke a cigar..the world is out there..now go and explore it!
Your DH is a twit. He has no idea what he's losing - but he will, once you've gone. Be prepared for him to come crawling..and stand your ground!!
I am looking forward to being
I am looking forward to being ALONE. Being alone has never bothered me and I love quiet. I'm going to make it clear that once that lease is signed, there's not crawling back. He can find another dumbass to take my place but at 50 and with a lot more weight and baggage then he had at 40, it might not be as easy as it used to be for him.
Same here! I LOVE being
Same here! I LOVE being alone! LOVE IT!! I was single for 9 years before I met SO and I was at peace. Used to love sitting in my garden with a glass of wine and read my book. Or have a BBQ with mates and have a few beers while we discussed everything from flat earth to UFO's..lol!!
SO and I have split up a couple of times. We had a serious break a couple of months ago, and he went to live with his Mum. I would BLAST my fave music and dance around the house while I vacuumed and cleaned. I loved the fact that I could do what I wanted, whenever I wanted. It was bliss. Then after 3 days, SO came over to talk. Lord help me, I caved. I just couldn't stand to see the hurt and despair in his eyes. He begged me to give him one more chance to treat me like his Queen. He made promises that he hasn't broken and so far, we're doing great.
He also knows that this is the last time for me. The minute he goes back to old behaviours (i.e. gaslighting, throwing tantrums etc), then I'm just going to tell him to go. Like you, I'm happy being alone, and have no problem whatsoever, doing so.
stop feeling guilty and stop
stop feeling guilty and stop trying to save DH, it's really not worth it Hon, do not waste your life any further...
it's Sad yes I know, but nothing will ever change, DH is not suddenly (never) going to step up as a father and support you, he will always take his daughter side above you, even if she stabs you with a knife.... he will not do a thing about it and you will be the wrong one....
I hate to bring up this
I hate to bring up this possibility, but he may not really end up being "alone".
It sounds like the past few years have been pretty stressful at your home. His DD has been a handful and you have had to deal with that and have been overloaded with that responsibility.
Soooo. If he were, let's say, to have met someone else, then that person would appear to be a bright respite from his chaotic homelife. Yes affairs are nice and easy because it's two people getting to cherry pick the no-stress, fun parts of life right? No bills, no preteens, no exwives, no socks on the floor.
So, when you threaten to leave... he takes you up on it easily. Little does he realize that the chaos is going to stay with him... and infect whatever relationship he has going forward.
Apparently HE's not too
Apparently HE's not too concerned about being alone since HE is the one who said "nope we're done" You aren't really leaving him, he is basically kicking you out. So need to worry about HIM! He'll figure it out. And if he doesn't? Not your problem anymore.
Yep and if my premonitions
Yep and if my premonitions are right, he's probably already hunting for another victim aka nurse maid, school teacher, live in laundress, etc. etc.
StepMOM=Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Unfortunately, you made the
Unfortunately, you made the mistake that a lot of women seem to make. You tried to play mommy to another person's child. From what I've read on these boards, it usually backfires. You were trying to give this girl a good start in life and I have no doubt that our intentions were good. But you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped and you can't care more than this girl's real parents. I think leaving is going to be the best thing for everyone involved. Take care of yourself, honey.