12 is past time that they should be contributing around the house.

Time to do away with beck and call service to kids.  I would even invoke a buffet style dinner a couple of nights per week where everyone serves their own plate and drinks then comes to the table.   They serve as they are instructed taking a selection of everything prepared. And they try it all.

I am appalled by your DH being their beck and call boy.

smh

SS9 doesn't do a whole lot. He's expected to take dishes to the sink when he finishes, clean his room when we tell him to, hang up the towel after a shower, clean up any messes he makes, put clean clothes away and bring dirty laundry to the laundry room, etc.

There are some good online lists of age-appropriate chores out there if you do a quick Google search. A lot of it depends on the kid's ability level and trustworthiness, though. Depending on the kids, they may need a lot of instruction or supervision at first. We don't have him take trash out because our municipal trash bins are very big and tall and he doesn't have the height or strength to get the bags up, hold the lid up, and drop them in. And no dog walking. We have a greyhound (those things are super-powerful) and there's no way SS could hold her in place if she saw a squirrel or rabbit running. Someday...

We both feel like he needs to take on some more responsibility. Currently trying to figure out what form(s) that will take.

Anyway, he doesn't get paid. He doesn't even get an allowance, really. It's just one of those "Hey, you live here and in a family, everyone pitches in" things. If you're reasonably consistent and good about doing what's expected, every now and then, you may get to do something special. DH and I both grew up that way.

I think, though, that chores need to come from the bioparent. Sure, we steps can have a say behind the scenes, but your DH needs to be the one to set down the rules.

And I agree. That needs to start with DH not playing servant. It's teaching the kids to be lazy, entitled and disrespectful.

ODS9 and SD8 pick up their toys, put their own laundry away, and there basic tasks like vacuuming and wiping things down. My 21 month old can pick up his own toys with assistance. I wouldnt be offering them money unless they wanted to do extra with those entitled attitudes. I'd be telling them they live there and need to contribute to helping keep the house decent. DH needs to get on top of that.

Nothing will change until your DH gets tired of being a servant to his kids. 

What YOU can do is make DH responsible for everything skid-related. Skids make a mess? DH cleans it up. Skids want something special for dinner? DH cooks it. Skids track mud in the house? DH cleans it. 

My DH was once a Disney Dad like yours. Because I hated the messes, I foolishly cleaned up after the skids (only the boys; the girls were aged out/never came). And I got tired of doing it. So I stopped doing it and DH had to. Guess what? DH was tired from his very physical job and got tired of cleaning up after able-bodied boys. So he started making them clean up their messes. There was grumbling and it wasn't always the best job, but they did it. Today, the boys are actually better at cleanup than their sisters. 

You may have to grit your teeth and leave messes or close doors, but DO NOTHING. Your DH will eventually tire of it. Hopefully.

The kids are right, why should they do anything when Indentured Servant Daddy will do it all for them.

The conversation you should be having with your DH is why he is still catering to 12 year old like they are 12 week olds?

Where does your DH fall into this?  It sounds like he waits on them hand and foot.  If he is NCP and they aren't in the home for very long, it might not be necessary to assign them a huge chore-load.. but certainly, they should be expected to pitch in with their own care.. that means helping to strip their beds when it comes time to do the sheets.. and learn how to remake them.

They should be making their beds daily.. (good habit)... they should be keeping their bathroom clean.. and perhaps helping to gather trash from their room and bathroom prior to trash day.

They could help set a table.. prepare a salad.. load or unload a dishwasher.

It's not about offering them money either.. they should be required to do some minor level chores as part of being "in the family" and part of the household when they are there.

Now.. for EXTRA big chores.. perhaps their dad could let them earn money to buy something they want.. and in fact.. he probably should learn that the drive to WANT to work for something that he won't just GIVE to them is healthy.  If they have wants that he won't fill.. they may find more motivation.

Skids are 4 and 7 and they help around the house. It's not all that helpful, but I figure we're teaching them that being a contributing member of the family is important. They'll pick up their toys, clean up their rooms, "help" with laundry, run the vacuum, fetch things I need for the baby, etc. Most of their help is more work for me than doing it myself, but we're playing the long game.

Everyone I know who is a good parent has their kids do chores. That hasn't changed any. And not for money.  

5 years old they can start  with small things line helping fold hand towels (even if you have to refold it after they are done)  just so they get used to helping out.  They can also hold the dust pan as you sweep dust and dirt into it.  They can help sort laundry into lights and darks, towels and clothes (i find less hair attached to my shirts when i sort these out) 

The "kids are different now - we don't do chores like you all did" comment would be the thing that would most set me off.  All kids try to get out of work but that entitled arrogance crap makes my teeth itch, KWIM?  My own skids were as lazy as the day was long.  They were no where to be found when there was work to do and my DH let them get away with it for the most part.  But at least they had the good sense not to rub our noses in it.  

Both DD and SS help around the house. For SS12 nothing difficult - take out trash, feed and clean up after the dog, clear the dishwasher, and do his own laundry. DD9 has similar chores, but she also helps both DH and I when we cook (because she likes cooking). We tried to teach SS to hand wash dishes (pots etc..) but because of his condition (ASD +ADHD) it requires too much of our supervision we just kinda give up on that.. DD however learned to clean the dishes just by watching me do it, so sometimes she helps to clean up the small stuff left in the sink (she's so super sweet). She actually does a better job than both DH and SS haha.

I also won't clean up their table after meal for them. It's not like they need to hand wash their dishes, so clean up after themselve by putting stuff into the dishwasher is more than reasonable. They both were able to do this without issue.

Haven't read other comments but my 4 y old emptys the dishwasher, put away her clothes, I even make her collect her crumbs sometimes with the dust pan - so i feel for you, make him realise he is raising two little dependent spoil rotten I think! Have you tried to talk to him? I would not do anything else in protest, I would leave chaos reign your home so he needs to take action I would sit in the living him as ask for my snacks too, and of he doesn't like, well say - how do you think your kids are gonna grow to be hint hint, you are raising kids that if you died tomorrow wouldn't be able to fend for themselves  -