Making the marriage the highest priority in a blended family
Quick description of my life:
43 years old, married for two years (never married prior, no children) very independent lived alone for many years and very financially stable.
I met my husband a week before he was officially divorced, (His ex wife left him to pursue her life dreams and to explore a relationship with someone she knew prior to marrying my husband) They have two children a boy 16 and a girl 10.
My husband is truly wonderful and I really lucked out he's sensitive, understanding, and wants to please everyone in his life.
The problem is is his ex-wife like many stories on here is very demanding both financially and mentally of him still. and his kids are the same. they are with us on a very different visitations cycle. (three weekends on and then one weekend off) We also have them for dinner once a week.
ex-wife gets $5000 (yes you read that correctly) worth of child support a month along with very large amount of alimony per year. she is very self-centered and narcissistic and currently doesn't work but is going back to school herself.
I could go on and on forever about the awful situations that we have found ourselves in being in a blended family, (they literally would make your head spin).
now I know what everyone is probably going to say to me that I should just deal with it and there are many other situations that people are in and that typically money is an issue and at least I don't have to worry about that stuff..
but the problem is this, I don't feel like my husband and eyes marriage is a priority.. I know he does think of me as his wife and that we do love each other and that I am a priority, however when everything else is constantly being an issue around us I feel like we end up forgetting that our marriage should be number one..
I am struggling with the balance of trying to focus on our marriage versus focusing on his insane, no narcissistic ex-wife and kids in the elite attitude they have about life..
BTW-I came from a divorced family and when my mother got remarried she had told me one day you'll know what it feels like to make a spouse number one.. (I can remember sometimes I want to things or more of my mothers attention and she obviously took care of me but she always refocused things to her husband-My stepfather). She put their marriage first and everything else sort of fell into place.. how do I do that with my marriage? I've begged him pleaded with my husband to do that and it would make us feel like we were a "united front " but it doesn't seem like it's working.
we have the kids almost every weekend, even when she really just doesn't want them somehow if she loads them on us, she didn't want them on Christmas and she rarely engages them. which then they focus on our house and I don't feel like we have enough time to be together alone as a newlywed couple.
For my work I am on rotation every other weekend which doesn't coincide with his weekends off with his kids so they're constantly hear.. meeting, wanting, demanding, and making issues.
I know I might seem all over the place but that's exactly how I feel. I am on a roller coaster ride of craziness and it doesn't even have to do with my life per se. it's all my husbands baggage in my husbands problems and issues having to do with his former wife and children.
I need some guidance on how to encourage my husband to make our marriage a top priority.. And help him understand that once he does that all the other pieces will fall into place.
Help..
Is it just having the kids
Is it just having the kids there all the time that feels like he's not making you a priority? You definitely should have some say in whether he agrees to take extra time with them. It's hard to convince someone they shouldn't take extra time with their kids, but he does need to think of your needs. Does he expect you to parent them? Does he parent them himself?
The way he makes you a priority is to build boundaries around the two of you and not let the kids or his ex-wife intrude on them. Doesn't sound like he's set any boundaries at all with them.
Thank you for your reply. He
Thank you for your reply. He doesn't expect me to parent them at all it's just the amount of requests made by his ex-wife and his two children are infringing on any time that him and I am I have as a couple together. He tries to focus on me but he does not set the boundaries and I think that's the issue...
Yes, he needs to set
Yes, he needs to set boundaries, especially with the ex-wife. It's a bit harder with the kids, but he doesn't have to jump every time they want something, either.
Thank you for your response,
Thank you for your response, yes I knew exactly what he was paying etc. that's not the issue.
The issue is is I've seem to of lost myself entrenched with all their issues. I don't feel the marriage is the priority and that we are become fractured from it.
when he's on edge from the ex and kids confront demands, we don't focus on way h other and the marriage.. it ends up being redirected to everyone's else's needs, desires and requests.
let me be clear I fully want him to be an engaged father but I feel like there's no boundaries and it's taking a toll on us. i'm tired of hearing about everyone else's problems and issues and I'm more importantly tired of the stress that he feels translating to me I feel myself anxious, not sleeping and constantly bothered and upset with the behaviors his ex-wife displays and his children..
I just think if things were refocused to put the marriage a top priority everything else would fall in the place I'm not asking him to not want to see his kids or care for his kids but the decisions he constantly makes affects us...
and as far as leaving out the ex-wife, I would love to do that but she inserts herself into our marriage constantly and is a strain mentally to us....
I made a lot of sacrifices to marry him and I don't feel like any of my priorities are being met as the marriage Feels like it's on the back burner.
This is what marriage
This is what marriage professionals suggest:
If you want to learn how to have a healthy marriage and create your own happily ever after kind of love, try these 3 things:
1. Make your spouse a priority.
2. Commit to traveling the marital journey together.
3. Know that there are natural cycles in any committed relationship.
Welcome to Step talk. Glad
Welcome to Step talk. Glad you found us.
weekends with kids, 1 weekend off and visit during the week. Wow your BM who is custodial parent doesn't spend any free fun time, school free, from the kids does she? Are you aware that a visitation 'schedule' is IF and only IF non custodial wants to exercise it? He (non custodial parent) will not be in trouble OR penalized. Now if he was NOT having the children over a long period of time, BM could be an ass and file for more CS. It appears money is not the problem here.
I would start confirming weekends for YOU and DH only. A weekend in the country OR a weekend in the city. Cell phones OFFFFFF. Then I would confirm a week possibly two weeks vacation JUST the two of you. See IF he will agree.
IF he declines saying he cant do that, even the weekends away, because of the children, I would go find a divorce attorney and cut my losses.
OR try a Marriage and Family Therapist. Not a social worker but a PhD in Marriage and Family Counseling. . I would interview the therapist first.
What do YOU want to see change or at least more balanced? Go from there. DH I need you to spend a weekend at lease 1x a month with me without checking your phone for messages from your xwife and the kids. DH I need you to turn off your phone from 6pm until 8am. DH I need you to tell your x NO. DH I need you to xyz.
GoodLuck
Sorry if I contributed to a
Sorry if I contributed to a bit of a money derailment. You aren't alone in the excessive request department. Time, money, favors, phone calls, etc. BM used to draw my husband in however she could. She needed help with the fence because SK's dog kept getting out, needed him to drop by her house while she was gone to feed dogs, emotionally guilt him into spending every single night driving across town for little league practice. Would call whenever SK had a bad day, he didn't do his homework, etc - she didn't want to do the parenting part of being a parent and played victim 100% of the time.
I talked to my husband about it many times over the years and pointed out how inappropriate it was. I explained boundaries and how she reached out for attention and help when she should be reaching out to her own family and friends. So many other issues exactly like what you described.
Over a period of time (years to be honest) he began to see what I kepy pointing out. He hated hearing me bring it up and did get annoyed that I felt the need to talk about her but I refused to excuse and accept her actions. The more I focused on her actions and how the behavior was repetitive the more he listened. Interjecting a bit of logic into her disturbances and drama helped him see how ridiculous it was. He didn't want to deal with her because she was dramatic and emotionally abusive. I went with it for many years but once it began to really impact our marriage I pushed back a little more everytime she overstepped boundaries.
End result: SK is in college and we haven"t dealt with her once in over 6 months. Just wanted to share my similar experience, take what you want from it and ignore the rest. Either way, i hear you and I understand how instability caused by another impacting your life takes a toll on you.
From the OP, "Thank you
From the OP, "Thank you everyone for making me feel shitty." She came to a place that was supposed to be "Where Stepparents Come to Vent," and was treated right off the bat, like a piece of shiatsu, by the gang (and that is a good term to use) of the usual suspects. We all know who they are, and most of them, if not all of them, are not even stepparents. Most of them don't know what makes a blended family, either.
Hope that gang is all happy and thrilled with themselves. The OP was quite upset and had every right to be. Us other SMs could have definitely assisted her and given her advice, for herself and to save her marriage, and, yes, to even salvage her relationship with her SKs. BUT, the gang was too busy, right off the bat, trying to promote their own personal agenda, and unfortunately, now she feels shitty. I'm sure that gang is very pleased with themselves.
Well, I guess that gang can be left to their own devices, because it appears that is the decision that has been made by the powers that be, and who knows?, maybe several months down the road none of us will be here because we were made to feel shitty, and all that will be left is the gang. But, then it won't be as fun anymore, and they'll quickly move on to other greener pastures. Then, who will be left here? Here to help other SMs, who usually have little to none other places to go? I don't know.
The gang has one under the belt now, and maybe soon to be more, I doubt she'll come back. I don't blame her. Derailing, bullying and attacking does work, esp. since for most SMs coming here, we have already had more than our share of that.
You nailed it!
"Well, I guess that gang can be left to their own devices, because it appears that is the decision that has been made by the powers that be, and who knows?, maybe several months down the road none of us will be here because we were made to feel shitty, and all that will be left is the gang" This is SOOO true - and this is how sites which were, at one time helpful, die. There are lessons to be learned here but if they are not addressed, if the bullies are not controlled, there will be fewer and fewer people wanting to take part in any discussion. I mean, what will be the use? The frustration just isn't worth it. The OP, and probably others will move on to a 'new' source which keeps sarcastic toxicity under control. A sad loss!
THis is so true Idvilen...
THis is so true Idvilen....there is a reason they keep being allowed to bully and hurt women. And so many are booted for dumb offenses.
I don’t know why they’re
I don’t know why they’re allowed to stay on this site. New posters come here, post once, and are scared away because people with personal vendettas - most of which with zero personal experience with these issues - get their kicks by tearing people down & hyper focusing on minute details in the post that have nothing to do with the posters actual complaint. I can’t stand it. I wish there were firmer controls on this. Bullying should not be tolerated, and yet here we are.
I am fortunate that my DW of
I am fortunate that my DW of 25+ years agreed with me that our marriage had to be the priority for both of us. Above all else.
SS was the top relationship responsibility but never took priority over our marriage or each other.
This allowed us to keep the SpermClan where they belonged as far as importance to our marriage and family was concerned. Which is... they weren't imporant at all.
We had SS-27 full time except for 7wks per year. This built in time for us to be a couple roughly every three monts. Visitation was 5wks summer,1wk winter, 1wk spring. Though it took a while for my DW to get over SS's absence and reticence to take trips and vacations when he was on SpermLand visitation she finally did make the adjustment.
As for your DH and his visitation schedule.... he needs to put his foot down with BM and inform her when he will take HIS visitation. Just because the CO says three WE on and one WE off does not mean he has to take that schedule. With y our alternating WE work schedule he needs to align with your work schedule so every weekend you have off is a Skid free weekend.
The one built in advantage in authority that an NCP has is whether or not to take their COd visitation. They cannot be forced to take it though if the CP withholds the Skids and violates the COd visitation the CP can be in some trouble.
So, DH needs to put his foot down and inform BM of on which of his 3 consecutive visitaiton weekends per month he will take the Skids. Until he gains clarity and does this... your marraige will not be his priority.
Good luck.
You were the "catch" in this
You were the "catch" in this situation, a financially stable woman to help with his kids who has no divorce or kid baggage of her own.
Did your stepfather have kids? Was your mom a stepmom or a wife with an only child who she viewed as old enough to take care of herself? It sounds like your mothers situation was very different from the one you're in, the times were different as well. During your childhood, parents weren't as involved with their kids. Helicopter parenting wasn't a thing yet and kids ran free with "check ins" here and there.
DH likely rushed into marrying you for his own convenience and to have help with his kids. He ran from one broken situation into another without considering what went wrong the first time and if the relationship would meet your needs rather than just his. I'm certain the marriage wasn't a priority in his first marriage either.
Like your mother, you're making your spouse #1 and forgetting about you.
Yes your DH is sweet, sensitive, and wants to make everyone happy; everyone except for you. You're an add on to his life, there for his physical and emotional comfort and to be super stepmom to his darlings. It's a bit telling that he only has the kids when you're not working. He obviously doesn't want to deal with them on his own. It would be wise for you to remove yourself as his helpmate and let him fully experience what it is to be a divorced daddy. Switch up your schedule and accidently forget to tell him. Take off for the day when the kids are there. You had a life before this madness, what did you do then? Seriously consider having your own space. I know it goes against the grain of the common thought that married people need to be joined at the hip, but he really should have time alone with his children and you need to retain your sanity.
The last few times stepgrands have come over I've been conveniently away. I come back to stories of screaming unruly grandskids and DH having a headache and ringing ears. Whereas when I'm there DH and SS will sneak off to a quiet part of the house and leave me to entertain gskids.
When they retreat, you retreat.
When DH and his daughter retreat, you retreat. Text them letting them know that the kids need supervision and you are in the tub, bed, on a walk, etc, etc, etc....
Alone time is critical to sanity and to relationship health. Manage your alone time as a key strategy for not being taken advantage of.
I like your get out of the house model..