Unfair situation
This may be long so bear with me...
I have two SKs. 7yo girl and 10yo boy. We do 7 on 7 off joint custody. Here lately (the last month or so) my SS has been waking up every single night between 2-4 am. First it will be he can't sleep, then he will wake me up again claiming he can't find a remote then it's he's sick to his stomach... by this point I'm just completely ill. I have to get up at 530 to get the start of 4 kids ready for school then leave for work by 8, my husband works nights sometimes 6 nights a week so I am primary caregiver when they are here. He usually gets home around 5-530. I feel like a broken record every night he wakes me because I let my husband have it. This comes from years of being coddled and babied. Never really a positive encouragement to be independent just a smidge. He wasn't even wiping his own butt when I came into the picture and he was 7 then...love him to death but he won't even use his mouth to speak words usually you just hear noises and you have to guess what he is saying or it's major baby talk my 10 year old SS doesn't need to be crawling in bed with me, period. Usually if a kid is sick we move to the couch and get them comfy but THIS IS A MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY NIGHT ISSUE SOMETIMES WEEKENDS IF HES HERE, my mother in law encourages both of my Skids to sleep with her if/when they stay the night and here's the kicker she makes the biggest deal about it. She will come in and say "SS or SD tell daddy who you slept with last night" "go on tell him who needed their nana last night". And look right at me while talking to them because she knows I do not agree with that. We have a pretty decent relationship so it's not like it's super awkward or bitter. Talking to my husband is getting me nowhere, I've been encouraging, I've worked really hard on not losing my shit but it's coming... I just purchased a weighted blanket... I'm excited to see how it works. My SD7 sleeps alone she rarely wakes up, we've just been working on her words and how she acts like a toddler by even calling my husband "da da". My MIL also gives her sippy cups still at her house... I usually keep my mouth shut until we get home or in the car and I throw the sippy out and tell SD she is WAY to old for one of those. I just feel it's so unfair my husband gets to sleep ALL day kid free and even wife free because I'm at work from 8 to 3-4 every day and some weekends. Let me also add my BS12 shares a room with him so he's not 100% alone in a bedroom but wakes him up that early which also isn't fair to my bio especially on school nights.
let me add this: when we first got together 3 years ago he lived with his parents and I lived with mine(I was recently divorced. My ex husband nearly killed me in front of my bio and his kids, that will be for a different day) anyways SKs slept with DH or his mom then.. it's been a slow process over the last couple of years.. but SS just doesn't seem to be moving forward at all. Sometimes he regresses and it's just frustrating because I just don't know what to do. I just know I need sleep.
im sure there's more but it's almost 5am (SS woke me up now he's sleeping peacefully as I'm awake and it's only Tuesday) I need coffee.
thanks for listening.
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Welcome! You have a DH
and his family problem. He has thrown far too much responsibility onto you and because he works nights he has an easy out. He needs to get a day job and start doing the heavy lifting in the parenting dept. STAT.
Also earplugs and an eyemask are GREAT. Skids need to stay in their own beds until it is time to get up and DH needs to enforce this not just you. If he is unwilling or unable then you may want to consider counseling, separate residences so he is FORCED to deal with them. Most of these single dads are just looking for a maid and nanny in a wife so wt can bow out of parenting. To make things worse, the BM will demand that SM not discipline the skids and DH will agree. SM them gets 100% responsibility and 0% authority...lose/lose.
I literally just texted him
I literally just texted him around 4am and told him the next step is taking SS to talk to someone. Everyone has been against it, they are the "nothing is wrong with my kids" people. My BS goes to counseling every two weeks and sees a psychiatrist every 2 months and it's been absolutely wonderful for him.
of course my DH never texted me back.. he just walks in and thinks I want to be loved on at 5am. I tell him constantly I feel like a doormat or a nanny. I get very little respect unless I enforce it. Me and BM get along a little better than we have in recent years. She also thinks they are babied from his side. SS grades are failing. I don't think he's even made a C so far this year.
ive also did everything but beg my DH for a daytime job and he says he will lose money without having to travel. (We live in a small town of about 900 maybe 1,000 and he is a supervisor at a timber company)
if counseling isn't an option my last resort will be to go to my parents. They travel so no one is even at their house and me and mine can stay there.
thank you so much for the feedback.
This kid needs consequences
This kid needs consequences for waking you up during the night. Your DH needs to agree that if he does that, he loses something during the next day that he values (video games, TV, whatever). 10 is plenty old enough to fend for himself if he wakes up at night. It's also old enough to know that sleeping with Nana is a special thing that doesn't get replicated at home.
If the kid is doing this because of anxiety, then he needs to see a therapist. Night time anxiety is very treatable.
As thinkthrice said- if DH doesn't back you up, then he is the major problem here.
That's a really good idea...
That's a really good idea... he always has his phone or PlayStation or whatever it is. To be honest I don't even thing DH has a say in it until he's being woke up several times a night. I know he should I'm just being bitter right now, I'm so exhausted I could just cry.
Dh wonders why I've been pulling away but I don't think anyone would be happy in this situation. I know my BS12 is scared to even come in our room when he's sick. He feels like he has to text me and that just breaks my freaking heart. I must add I've also been sleeping on the couch.
If you are willing to be the
If you are willing to be the disciplinarian, then go for it - he loses his Playstation for the day if he wakes you up in the night. In my situation, the few times I was alone with my SS, he knew that if he didn't do what I asked, I'd let DH know and DH would impose consequences. But if yours won't, then go for it. Though I'd do what you suggested before - let DH know that if he doesn't do something about his son's sleep issues, you will be spending nights at your parents' house. Maybe permanently.
If one of my SKs woke me to
If one of my SKs woke me to ask me about a remote, the TVs would off for a week. If it happened again they'd be off for a month. I'd hide all of the remotes and/or turn of internet to each and every one of their devices. My SKs are older but they were the exact same. Big babies, coming in our room at night and DH would move over to let them in. I put my foot down and said NO SKIDS IN MY BED OR I WILL SLEEP ELSEWHERE. He can sleep in the kids room if he wants to cosleep. That ended that real quick. Every time the skids came in our room it would knock their bedtime back 15 mins. They were going to bed at 8
When we gave them their 9pm bedtime back they didnt want to lose it. When ss13 threw up last week, ss11 texted DH to tell them. They wouldn't dare come.in my room. It consequences, consequences, consequences. I bet this almost mute child likes video games ?? Video games are a great weapon. If they cant behave like a mature child, no video games. This child sounds.like he has a problem, maybe the spectrum. Video games and tv only make.it worse. The sucky thing is it sounds like your bio will get mixed up in all this. My bios are grown and we never all lived together. I never would have brought one of my children into this skid house. I got married the week before my kids graduated college so they stayed at my parent's house for a few months while waiting for theor jobs to start. I often stayed there to to get the fuck outta this place. If you read my blogs, you will see ky marraige is on the rocks and I am far from happy but when I pit my foot down the skids listen because they know I mean business. I will take every privilege away from them. Your SS should be outside playing and reading books not watching tv...and NEVER TV at night when they cant sleep. I took the tv out of skids rooms. Put your foot down or DH can send the kids to BMs to sleep.
Yes, exactly. If DH can't be
Yes, exactly. If DH can't be home at night then the kids can go to BM's. If he can't support you in this he loses your overnight nanny services.
That's what I told him this
That's what I told him this morning the first time I was woke up, I'm not going to lie I heard him the first time but when I heard remote I just tried sleeping through it but then he kept on and on. I told him no more tv if this is going to start back. It's funny the night before when DH was here he slept just fine in there ALL night. The night before that he woke DH up over the remote and dh "supposedly" tore into him. Idk. He usually talks to him in private away from me because I don't do the whole babying stuff if they are in trouble. He doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. I bought my BS12 AirPods for Christmas.. he has proven he's responsible enough to keep up with his stuff, I bought SS the cheap 25$ ones because well the kid has been through 6 very expensive cell phones since last March. (I've thrown fit after fit about that) guess who loses one of his? SS!! But DH got mad because I didn't buy him the expensive kind. I knew better... anyways
I also believe he's on the spectrum and so does a family member of mine. We both have worked at special needs schools. I've worked with both kids and adults for several years but you can't tell my DH or his family that... I don't know how this child is passing school.. I just strive to teach my kids to be successful and independent, as they are all old enough to be.
I have taken everything away before and somehow it always ends up unfair to SS.
I've pushed really hard for a stable solid marriage and home for our kids but I just feel myself losing it more and more.
It sounds like this man is
It sounds like this man is using you for your nanny services - the ones previously provided by his parents. The gripe comment would have been the end for me. I'd tell him I'm going to my parents' house due to sleep deprivation and he can call you to return if he gets his kid sleeping through the night in the near future. That would get his attention and most likely tell you a lot about your relationship.
"that's the only thing I
"that's the only thing I worry about at night, is the next time your going to gripe"
I would let him know that from now on, the only thing he will have to worry about at night, is who is going to watch his kids because I would be gone.
BMs love to have children co
BMs love to have children co-sleep for way longer than is age appropriate because fills the void of not having a partner for them, sick to be honest and not healthy for the kids because it puts them in a parentified role, and the co-sleeping has the added benefit for them of disrupting their ex-husband sex life with the new stepmom. No wonder so many step kids Co sleep until 10 years old. they also baby their children for way too long because it makes them feel needed. All of these bad habits in children stem from their mother feeling insecure.
BM doesn't do any of this.
BM doesn't do any of this. She barely has the kids to begin with. They would go straight to her parents usually when we drop them off
Your DH must get a day job
And take care of his kids at night. Not take the easy way out. If he wants his kids 50/50 then he should parent them. Not you.
Time to pack up and let him handle them.
Your H is tired of hearing
Your H is tired of hearing you "gripe" all the time....how about his kids stay with BM when he's not home. No ifs, ands, or buts! Your wants, needs and feelings are not being considered and he's doing NOTHING to resolve this for you. This is not your problem so place it back on him. Put your foot down and DO NOT care for these kids when he's not home. How is it you get to be sleep deprived and he comes home with no care in the world? You should have never agreed to this arrangement but rest assured you can change it.
If he refuses to change his schedule or leave the kids with their mother, I'd take my things with your kids and go back to my parents house. You can do bad all by yourself and don't need the added frustration of dealing with a man who doesn't know or care to parent. Not only are you parenting his kids but him as well. Don't you think you have enough on your plate....
Do what's best for you and yours OP....
"that's the only thing I
"that's the only thing I worry about at night, is the next time your going to gripe"
The next thing your 'D'H needs to worry about is finding a freaking NANNY SERVICE for his kids. What would he do if he wasn't married to the current nanny? His kids would not be spending the night when Daddy is not there.
As for trying to get a piece of action, he can take matters into his own damn hands. What a jerk.
Sorry, not sorry, but I'd move out. Stay married, if you want. but this situation is a bunch of horsepuckey.
I sincerely HOPE that H
is NOT paying CS to the BM!!!
Definitely not paying child
Definitely not paying child support.