Need HELP!
When I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) I moved into a true batchelor pad... It was so nasty and disgusting it took me 2 weeks to get it clean. Over a month to get rid of the smell. It was just him and his 20 year old son living there... I have been cleaning and doing laundry and cooking and so on since I moved in. Well I'm done! The house is starting to smell again and is just completely trashed. here is why... every weekend the 20 year old has his girlfriend over. They live in the living room all weekend.. They destroy it every time . Atleast 20 pop cans, water bottles.. There food plates, trash whatever they eat or drink left all over. Every monday I clean it all back up..I have laundry baskets in every room. My kids and my husband and I seem to be able to locate them but not 20 year old.. his clothes go on floor, back of toilet, hang on shower rod... he refuses to eat my dinner so cooks for himself or brings in take out . Leaves the mess for me. I am constantly told I'm not his mother... now 17 year old step daughter maybe visits 20 min a week. comes over cooks food eats then leaves. Whatever she used to cook with (butter, milk, ext) is left out. And she can't seem to find the sink to put her dirty dishes in either ... I have ask and begged my husband to have them help they won't do it.. I have stopped my kids from doing chores because why should they clean up after his kids... I'm at a loss and I feel my marriage is going to end due to this.. I just can't and won't do it anymore..
Run!
I'm honestly thinking about it. The disrespect is horrible..
Too late for my advice, as I
Too late for my advice, as I would never have moved into the pit, in the first place. Your kids should not have to live like that.
How does your H allow himself
How does your H allow himself to live under these nasty conditions is beyond me. How are you still attracted to this man that lives in a pig sty and doesn't parent and demand his kids to clean up after themselves? You went in there cleaning for 2 weeks, like wtf!
He refuses to do anything about it to boot. So you have two options: 1) You continue living in filth with your H, his kids, and yours or 2) You leave this entire situation because he refuses to change. Do not continue to have your kids live like this, its not fair to them or yourself.
It won't change. Run!
It won't change. Run!
Just leave
but not before you leave a huge mess.
Cheap
Wow! Free maid service, cooking, etc. You are quite a bargain! This one is easy. You are not married, you can easily remove yourself from the situation. Do it for your kids. It can be a lesson to them so they will be a bit selective when choosing potential partners.
Married
We are married.. when I first moved in he was my boyfriend.. and after the first initial clean things were good. My husband has changed and he is no longer a slob but his kids are.. the problem is he won't make them clean up after themselves.. and I just refuse t . My kids are staying with my mother right now because they don't deserve to live like this. I honestly don't want my marriage to end over his 20 year old kid who should have his own place. Hell I don't know maybe your all right.
How old are your kids?
How old are your kids? How long is it practical for them to live at your mothers? Are you willing to give up living with your own kids so you can continue to live with your DH and SS?
As Tog wrote:
"He needs to set a timeline for him to leave, and expectations for how he will behave while he's still living there." And if your DH is unwilling to set that timeline inform DH that you WILL be.
How about moving out and
How about moving out and inviting your husband to come and live with you and leave his 20 yo to live in and pay for his current fetid lair?
Have you had any
Have you had any conversations about when 20 year old is going to launch?
idk how to fix people making a mess, and redoing rules, but my 18 year old bit messy son is back home from uni for three weeks.
After getting a skip, laminating the floor, painting the walls and ceiling and washing all the clothes (and putting stuff they don’t wear way out of their sight) I now call it the ‘anyone who needs it at the time room’ so washing must be done etc. I have bought signs from amazon for the front of this door saying no food drink etc. So far this has been stuck to and the room looks lovely, and my son is happy he gets to have a tidy room when he is here.
20 year old...
Yes we have but he is unemployed right now and my husband won't just kick him to the curb..
He needs to set a timeline
He needs to set a timeline for him to leave, and expectations for how he will behave while he's still living there. Why is your DH afraid to parent his son?
Why doesn't he stay at the GF's place on weekends?
Let the two of them make a mess at her place! Even if she still lives at home, let her family deal with it instead of you. Why should you have to allow pigman to destroy your life? If DH won't put him on the street, then DH should pay for a motel room or help him find a roomate to live with.
I honestly don't want my
I honestly don't want my marriage to end over his 20 year old kid who should have his own place.
Your husband shouldn't want his marriage to end over this 20 year old, either, so HE needs to DO something about it.
The "kid" needs a timeline to get out and needs rules to abide by, in the meantime. And consequences if he doesn't follow the rules.
I take it he is not in school, either? So, just hangin' out? Nice.
I would lose my mind. I am a
I would lose my mind. I am a tidy person, not a neat freak, but I start to feel stressed when things are a mess. I wouldn't be able to live in a house where the only way it was going to be clean was if I did it. Your DH needs to get his kids in line. I don't understand why it is okay in any way, shape or form to have your kids at your moms because he can't tell his adultescent to contribute to the house. If he won't step in, it should speak volumes to you about how important your are to him.
This is a case of "when
This is a case of "when people tell you who/what they are.. believe them".
You full on knew moving in that the house was a wreck. It was clear nobody on Team DH had even the most basic of interest in living normally. Your DH was fine with the filth. He was fine with his kid's behaviors. You moving in and trying to add your "woman's touch" wasn not going to make any difference in how these adults (or close to adults) were going to operate. You just became the live in maid.. with benefits to one of the parties.
The only real mistake you made was assuming your SO would change and that he and his kids were willing to live differently.
It's like that saying. "A woman marries a man and hopes that he will change... a man marries a woman and hopes she won't"
The reality is that they are who they are.. and you do pretty much need to either accept that.. or move on... they are unlikely to change. Even your SO was willing to live like a savage.
You can't make anybody do
You can't make anybody do anything. If your DH allows the kidult to live like a slob and have zero responsibility, there's not much you can do. EXCEPT you can make it clear that YOU need to live a certain way (cleanliness, not providing maid service). It your DH can't accommodate YOUR needs, then you can live separately. Doesn't mean you have to end the relationship. You just need certain things to be happy, and you are not happy in the current situation and will never be happy living the way you currently are. So YOU need to make a change.
What YOU want and need are not less important than what DH (or his son) wants and needs. Don't forget that.
You need to make your DH understand that you can't live like
this. He clearly doesn't rank this as an important issue - not important enough to do anything about it. Does he know you are prepared to leave if this doesn't resolve? Perhaps a good dose of reality check might help him put some structure and guidelines around SS, otherwise you may have to look at relocating until SS moves out....
Ramp up the crazy... or do nothing and live with your mother
Ive seen instances where the wife/SM will move out while the skids live with dadeee who enables them. Leading separate lives, while married. It works for some, but would not work for me.
Why dont you go total batsh!t crazy on them? If the 20 year old wants to make a mess, rain heck on him in front of GF. What do you have to lose? Your kids are already living with your mother. WTF.
And the 17 year old should really know better.
They are treating your home like a hotel, and you are the maid. Shame on H!
That your SO does not boot
That your SO does not boot his toxic spawn in their asses says more than I want to know about the waste of manhood and parental skin you moved in with.
smh