VENTING SS and schoolwork
OMG To get the full picture of SS12 Read my other post but for this post I’m just going to vent about homework.
Now no kid likes to do HW but SS12 is Dreadful. To begin with he HATES school so he does the bare Minimum which has got him Through until he got to middle school where things get harder. Problem is SS is spoiled and lazy and does not like to do things he does not find fun. Now in 7th grade he is falling way behind in most classes. He lies to his teachers and tells them he “forgot” his HW at home we in Reality he never did it.
The weekend starts with DH telling SS12 on Friday he needs to start his HW. SS ALWAYS has 3 or 4 late Assignments to do in the weekend along with his regular work. SS NEVER EVER does his HW without being told Multiple times. SS of course refuses and fast forward to Saturday evening. Again multiple reminders and Finally DH has to Literally sit down with SS and walk him Through his homework before he would start. Then sit there with SS as SS was totally clueless how to even start his report. I wanted to say we’re you not in class????
Then on Sunday it gets even better! HW time again. This time all SS had to do was google ten easy questions to get the answers and write them down on the sheet of paper. Questions like how far is the moon from earth? Easy right? Guess again! We get SS all set up on the computer and leave him for TEN minutes. We come back in the room and SS12 is rolling around on the floor with the dog like a 5 yr old no work done! DH yelled, SS brat cried and DH had to sit down with SS and DH HAD TO TYPE THE QUESTIONS and SS sat next to daddy and just copy the Answer on the paper! SS could not even do this on his own! I’ve told DH that SS needs to be doing HW Independently and only coming to him if he gets stuck or has a question. NOT doing a joint effort where DH not only has to sit with SS but basically look things up for him on the computer. DH defense is he says SS is SO far behind he just wants to get it done. Am I crazy to think this is over the top and at SS age of 12 he should be doing HW Independently without DH sitting with him or looking things up for him????
Does the school have a
Does the school have a homework club or a period with academic support that ss could get into?
Yes SS has been in a IEP program since
2nd grade which allows for all these Accommodations like reduced homework and longer test taking. This year he’s been going to after school support but gets nothing done as they won’t hold his hand like daddy. Basically he just sits there for an hour then leaves.
You're not crazy, and your DH
You're not crazy, and your DH is doing his kid a huge disservice by doing his homework for him. SS would be better off turning in nothing than turning in something he himself did not do, because at least then the teacher would know what his shortcomings were. The purpose of homework (depending on what it is) can be to reinforce classroom learning, teach skills (such as researching on google), teach organizational skills and time management, etc. If your DH is sitting with 12 year old SS the whole time helping him, what is SS learning? He's learning that if he puts it off long enough and pitches enough tantrums, that daddy-kins will either do his homework for him or sit with him and spoonfeed it to him so he doesn't have to do much of anything. SS is certainly not learning what the homework is intended to teach him.
What is SS's custody schedule? Does your DH have him EOWE, and end up having to help with homework that was ignored all week at BM's house? If that's the case, he's being put in a tough position, but he's not handling it properly. In any event, if I was your DH I'd be setting up a meeting with the teacher to try to get SS help. My school had an after school homework club, for instance, as well as tutors available for kids who really didn't understand the material. Most teachers were more than happy to help. If SS is way behind and that's a big part of the problem, a teacher might let your DH know which of his many delinquent assignments is the most important, so he can focus on what is worth the most points/what is most crucial to fully understand. Continuing with what your DH is doing won't work.
You're just going to make yourself crazy worrying about it, though. Not your kid, not your problem. It doesn't sound like your DH takes your advice, so I'd just ignore the whole situation (while letting DH know that loser adult children with no life skills are not welcome in your home when the time comes).
Yes BM is worthless and can’t get SS to do
anything so we play cleanup on DH weekends. DH has had many meetings with the school and in Constant communication with the teachers. SS is Already in a IEP program at school and a after school homework club which is Worthless as SS Basically just sits there till the hour up.
He sounds exactly like my SS
He sounds exactly like my SS at age 12, only it was BM who did his homework for him. Has he been evaluated for ADHD? Where is BM in this whole problem? Has the school offered help? As someone said, kids like this do better if they can get their homework done in school.
Yes SS has Been diagnosed with ADHD
but good god so has half the school and those kids don’t need the extra help SS gets. SS is already in a IEP program and DH has Daily contact with his teachers regarding school issues and getting him help. BM is worthless. She can’t get SS to do anything so she leaves most of the HW fighting for DH to deal with
That won't work if DH has
That won't work if DH has just every other weekend. You'll just end up fighting all weekend. Set aside some time for it, whatever he gets done, that's it. Don't spend the entire weekend fighting with him. If he fails, he fails.
This is dead on. SS isn't
This. DH, his parents, and
This. DH, his parents, and myself spent several years forcing YSS to catch up on school work EOWE. No idea where BM was in the equation (for most of that time, she was unemployed), but every fracking weekend with DH was a week's worth of math and reading log plus whatever else had to be done.
HOURS and HOURS of fighting with him. Physically sitting with him and making him read. Setting timers. He had writing prompts that were the absolute worst. This school year (8th grade), DH finally told him that if he fails, he fails. He won't proactively do anything like talk to his teacher to ask for clarification, so there isn't much DH can do.
OP, has your DH done any work to find parenting classes for kids with ADHD? The typical approach to allowing homework to be done independently may not work, but there is a middle ground of not doing it for SS either. He isn't neurotypical, and even if half the school has been evaluated and diagnosed, that doesn't mean that those parents haven't done something differently and/or those kids aren't as affected in terms of their schoolwork as SS is. It's not a "one size fits all" disease.
Though, your DH is going to bear the brunt of this if he is the only parent actively involved with limited visitation. Has DH considered propositioning a change in custody? Or seeking 50/50? If BM isn't going to help, she needs to not be CP. Perhaps the threat of court will motivate her to be more active, or will give your DH more custody of his son to help mold him.
Yep, before we lived together
Yep, before we lived together, DH spent an entire weekend making SS finish a huge project that BM had completely ignored. She clearly paid zero attention to his planner and what was expected of him (until she was trying to get custody, then suddenly she was The Homework Champion - except she'd do it herself).
When SS finally PAS'd out, he just refused to do all homework at BM's and she went back to her default mode of not giving two sh!ts.
It won't work for one parent to be the only one demanding homework completion, especially if the other parent has far more custody time. DH should let the school know he only has SS 4 days a month and won't spend all his time on homework.