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I am not sure where to start, but I needed a place to vent and see if I was off base. I have raised 4 kids. It was a struggle with the first three, but the last one has been an angel. I am a tough love sort of parent, mostly because my life has never been easy and I wanted to prepare my kids realistically. They are all tough cookies, over all good kids, and hard workers. After being single for almost 8 yrs, (I have dated a bit here and there), I finally met this amazing man. Strong, loves the outdoors, handsome, good cook, sweet, respectful, loyal, and stable. He was with a woman for almost 30 yrs and they had 3 kids together. She passed away about 2 yrs ago. The older daughters are away in college and his son is a junior in high school.
Here is the problem. The 16 yr old boy behaves like he is 10. He rarely does chores, he is disrespectful to his dad, he sometimes blatantly ignores me for days, he has been rude when I have tried doing things on special occassions....The two trips we have gone on have been miserable experiences. One time we had the ignoring going on, then the sit around and be lazy while everyone does everything else, or the rude remarks. The second time was a camping trip and it was disastrous. Between him bossing me around, throwing white fuel on the fire while I was trying to light it, playing sick when he wasn't getting his way, to screaming out in the night that he was going to freak out if his dad didn't come get him. (his dad did go get him and brought him and the kids special dog into our tent). The kid acts far below his age. The other day, at 2 AM, he comes running into his dads room where we were asleep to yell that he puked all over. My boy friend then got up to clean up the 16 yr olds puke, then got up later to check on the kid, then got up another time around 5AM.
Am I just a heartless partner? Because my kids knew to puke in the toilet or container before high school. If they had an body fluid accident of any sort after a Freshman in high school, they knew how to clean up themselves. I have never gone out of my way to check on my almost adult child over and over again for a small virus. I would never allow my kids to sit around and watch other people including myself work. I would never let my child be disrespectful, punish them, then give them back the item I took away after literally 5 minutes or even in 24 hrs. I would never let my kids claim they were sick or injured literally every time we did a blended family outing. I wouldn't go rescue my almost adult, perfectly functional kid when their tent was 2 ft away from mine already.
I was in another relationship where the kids were extremely entitled before. This just brings back those memories. I have a hard time with it and my boy friend doesn't see the issue. It is extremely hard to be a very strong, independent mother who has high expectations of her kids to being around someone who doesn't seem to care at all. I also cannot stand that my daughter has a much stronger attitude, work ethic, and independence as a female 15 yr old than this almost adult Junior boy in high school.
Advice would be great, because this boy is ruining the relationship or I am just a mean woman with to many expectations.
You're not mean and SS is not
You're not mean and SS is not ruining your relationship, it's your boyfriends lack of parenting, disciplining and following up consistently with consequences......is what's drawing a wedge. If your BF continues to baby this 16 year old I fear it may only become worse. Have you told him how you feel? Is he willing to make any changes?
Thank you. I have told him.
Thank you. I have told him. Each time it is a screaming match, followed by a week of telling me what good things his kid does. I don't do the screaming so I just hang up or leave. I think he has parented like that for so long, he doesn't know any better. Then, he looks at it as a personal attack by me against his kid. His kid has some great qualities, but his dad doesn't have the bar set very high. I have a teen too. So I get the laxidasial teen tude, but his is off the charts. Ive tried to explain to him that his kid is going to enter the adult world not knowing any responsibilities or how to do the most basic of tasks. What is he going to do at college when he pukes? What is he going to do when he hears a sound in the night? And lord forbid he has to cope with bugs, no pets, lice, a fever, no keto friendly food, someone to cook for him, or someone to do his laundry, fold his clothes, or put them away. The list goes on and on. Oh, did I forget the time I went to the house and he didn't want to come out of his room because he was scared....so he sat in his room with the door open holding a sword?? Ive suggested counseling but the kid refuses.
Each time it is a screaming
Each time it is a screaming match
Hold the phone. Is your boyfriend screaming at you??? If so, that is completely UNacceptable. No wonder the 16yo is a rotten little shi'thead. It's amazing that his older children are not as bad as the youngest.
Stop subjecting yourself to this UNamazing man, his nasty, UNparented brat, and the UNnecessary drama.
Does he have a mental illness
Does he have a mental illness or a learning disability?
Not mentally ill or slow. He
Not mentally ill or slow. He did experience a traumatic loss of his mother and he found her. That was two years ago. I lost my 17 yr old son 10 yrs ago, so I am very respectful of what he feels and regards to that, plus I give him space when he needs that. Other than that, he is bright and an amazing musician.
No mental illness or
No mental illness or disability. I have asked, because I thought there might be something up.
Barring that this kid has no
Barring that this kid has no mental delays, I'm going to guess that your SO and his deceased wife Disney parented this one because he was the last and the baby and now he revels in that title.
Is this guy even worth it? I mean having screaming matches about his kid...you are a smart independant woman...so why are you tolerating that?
Someone else said that to me
Someone else said that to me not long ago. I have tried to explain that to my BF but he gets super defensive. The son was definitely a mama's boy. My BF has said that many times. I think after he lost his wife, his son blamed him for her dying so he had nothing to do with his dad. Now that his son actually speaks with him, my BF bends over backwards to his every whim, caters to his every whine, never follows through with disciplne, lies to cover his kid does nothing to help out during the week.
I have been distancing myself more and more every month. I have my own place and my own activities, plus my own things to deal with. I have yet to determine if he is worth it. When kiddo is not around, we have a blast together. Moment the son is factored in, the drama begins.
I think advice.only make a
I think advice.only make a good guess at the core cause of the dysfunction that exists between your bf and his son. We see a lot of posts on this site that really come down to dysfunction rooted in family trauma that was never properly addressed.
You might want to do a bit of research on enmeshment a.k.a. emotional incest, as it's something that can occur between parent and child after the death of the other parent. What starts out as bereaved family leaning on each other for support morphs into an inappropriate relationship where the parent relies on the child to meet certain emotional needs.
For me the dealbreaker is how your bf reacts when you bring up your concerns about his son. Screaming?? Sorry, but I would not put up with that. It sounds as if he wants to have his screwed up relationship with his spoilt screwed up son (who probably will end up living with daaddee indefinitely) AND have you for adult companionship and sex. If you're looking for a casual booty call he might do, but it doesn't sound as if there can be any future with this guy unless you're willing to shut up and accept the dysfunction and screaming.
Way too much drama. Your SO isn't doing his kid any favors. Hope my DS doesn't wind up with him as a roommate. I'd move on. Tell him to call you in 2 years when the kid launches (LOL).
Lol. I sort of did. Told him
Lol. I sort of did. Told him we shouldve met three years down the road.
He didn't much like that comment....
I'm willing to bet this kid
I'm willing to bet this kid isn't going to leave for college.
I would say that it is
I would say that it is neither that the 15yo is ruining the relationship nor is it that you are a mean woman with too many expectations.
The thing you did not mention is most likely what it is. Daddy is a failed adult, man, parent and partner and is nothing but a non man.
Daddy needs to end this toxic crotch droppings crap and come down on his ill behaved spawn like stink on the manipulative shit that the 17yo is.
If daddy won't adopt a zero tolerance total confrontation method with this kid and apply escalation of age appropriate consequences when this kid pitches his tantrums and perpetrates his unacceptable behavior, move on and find a viable adult to be your equity life partner.
IMHO of course.
Welcome to the site!
I have a similar story to you - I had two much older children when I met my DH and his were then 5 and 7. His ExW was a helicopter parent who babied her daughters, and my DH used to follow her lead. He doesn't any more, but the elder one, who is now nearly 25, has yet to launch and still lives with her mother.
The way these girls have been raised has caused many arguments between us because like you, I raised more capable children now in their 30s. My DH changed a number of years ago and now has a different attitude to parenting which is more in line with my own, although we don't agree on everything. But there is enough common ground to be comfortable. I think with your man there does not seem to be much overlap. I would suggest you see how things go but don't give up your own place and be prepared that this relationship may not survive your different attitudes towards parenting.
Oh, wow, I don't think I
Oh, wow, I don't think I could stand it. My own DH was a "friend" parent to SS, and that drove me crazy. But SS was at least polite most of the time and he loved cleaning the kitchen.
You've gotten good advice. There's not much you can do if DH won't parent his child. That child will have no life skills, so it's not like things will automatically get better as the kid gets older. He won't be able to function in college or hold a decent job, so expect him to live with his dad for a lot longer.
If you're happy with the relationships the way it is, then avoid SS. No more camping trips or vacations where you have to be around him for long periods.
But I sure as heck couldn't tolerate my partner screaming at me. If he can't hold a decent, adult conversation about something that bothers you, even if it is his son, then I'd really be questioning his commitment to that partnership.
Hmmmm,
maybe the two of u should just date w/o any kids around. Both of your kids r old enough to stay home on their own. Just dates..no overnights. He doesn't sound like a keeper to me. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. He may not have recovered from the death of his wife. The son sure needs time to make a new normal. You r not part of that. And may never be. Like I said, casual dates may be a better solution right now. My Dad died when I was 12. My Mom dated but didn't get remarried until I was Sophomore in college. That worked out ok cuz I was at the age where I was ready to get out of the nest anyway. *ok*