Adult Step Children Making Me Crazy
My wife and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. I have been divorced for 12. She has two children, a soon to be 25 year old girl and a 21 year old boy. I have two children by the previous marriage, a 19 year old boy and a 16 year old boy.
More about the kids:
My 25 year old step daughter, living 900 miles away with boyfriend #2. She still has two years of college to finish, after being in school off and on since barely graduation from high school. Pretty much thinks I am a passing fad and will go away eventually. Has always been given everything she asked for by her parents, and her father just moved to Australia to wed his new wife. SD is currently working as a waitress.
My 21 year old step son, living on his own after driving us all crazy for many years. He has in the past been outwardly violent, broken thingfs in the house, broken into the house, looses his keys, smokes dope, came home drunk on many occasions, owes his mother 1,000s of dollars for fixing his car... etc...etc.... etc.....SS is currently working as a house stucco laborer after barely graduating form high school. He is no longer welcome in our house since the last time he was here he called me out and refuses to apologize.
-Both step kids pretty much refused to do any work while they were living here.
My 19 year old son. Sophomore at college majoring in physics with a minor in calculus. Is almost a junior because of all the AP classes he took in high school. Has worked at every opportunity. Saved hs money, gotten scholarships and working on internships for the coming summer.
My 16 year old son. Junior in high school. Doing well in school. Lives with real mom. (Good parent.) Plays water polo. Wants to be a biologist. Taking AP classes. See him over the weekend every other weekend.
I have never missed one day of child support payments.
The main issue here is that my wife constantly worries about her kids and meddles in their lives. It gets in the way of everything. She talks to her daughter several times a day, and her son two or three times a day. Her daughter is living with her boyfriend, but my wife feels it is her responsibility to help her financially. Her daughter is listed as the executor on her will. She has a major life insurance policy to which her daughter is the benefeciary. We own two homes and one of them is left to her children. I cannot seem to get across to her that our responsibility as parents is to raise financialy independent fully functional adults. It seems to me that she does what she can to keep them dependent on her. Fixing their issues with cell phone companies, health insurance, medical appointments etc. It makes me crazy. Am I asking too much to make our relationship FIRST here? Her kids barely even acknowledge her birthday or mother's day. They just seem like total users to me. I love this woman with all of my heart, but it is making me crazy to see her abused like this. She is constantly making excuses for why they are doing what they are doing. HELP!!!!!! Is it me?
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Comments
Have you tried counseling?
Seriously. Sometimes it takes an outsider to explain to you what you're doing wrong. She's enabling these kids to be codependent. Maybe a counselor could give some "tips" on how to cut the chord. Or is she the type that wants to be the martyr, so actually assists in their failures?
When the children are grown, you SHOULD start putting your relationship first. Personally, I'm buying a one bedroom condo four states away after the kids move out.....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
You're right on Target!
Enabling was the exact word I was thinking when I read the blog.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
I have one of each
My bio son is a nice kid, but a very lazy one. He drives me absolutely carzy with his lack of motivation. However, I do not support him financially and he does not live in my home. He is 20 and old enough to figure things out. I guess I am a believer in tough love.
In an effort to remove any excuses on his part, I have told him that if he wants to go back to college that I would help him with tuition. So far he hasn't budged to to a damn thing. *sigh* My bd, on the other hand, is very motivated and is a good student and a super kid. I pray that this never changes. She is my little super star.
The funny thing is that I have tremendous guilt when it comes to my son. I know deep down my bd will be just fine, but my son is a constant worry for me. I feel that maybe if I could have done something different that he would not be in the boat he is in. But I feel that he has to be the one to pull his head out of his a** and do something. I cannot do it for him.
I must say though that I do not think your so is helping her kids by offering financial aid or fixing issues for them. They will never have to get off their butts and do anything for themselves. They need to be made accountable for thier own messes. But your wife may have guilt of her own and is justifying her behavior because of it. Guilt can really mess with a person. Especially when your KIDS aren't doing what you knowe that they should for their own good. It is a constant source of heartache.
I know this really isn't a solution, just a comment. Good luck to you.
Georgie
Oh my, this is what I dealt
Oh my, this is what I dealt with regarding my DH and his kids. It took time and loads of patience, especially as they grew into adult age, to not hound my DH about his enabling.
You are right in that the marriage comes first. Is there anyone you know that can give her this perspective other than you? In my case, our third party were our friends who were adult parents with adult children also. They advised my DH and empowered him to cut the apron strings and still be a parent, but not an enabler. Maybe that's an option for you and your DW.
Get counseling together
I would advise you to go to counseling together. Explain to the counselor how you think your wife is enabling her adult children to be dependent on her. Let her tell her side of the story. Then let the counselor ask questions and talk.
The counselor will tell her to back off of her enabling ways. Coming from the counselor's mouth it will seem wise and smart. Don't say "I told you so". Just go along with the counselor. Don't remind her that you said those same words a million times and she dismissed you.
Good luck. I feel your pain. I hope your marriage survives this. Mine did, just barely, and we are still dealing with problem child age 23.
Nellie
The Latest on Kids Driving Me Crazy
Submitted by Techknowledgy on Wed, 04/23/2008 - 8:39pm.
So this is what has happened lately. In March SS called me at my home and said that he was coming over to kill me. He was drunk, and high on cocaine. He called back four times. He said the reason was because I once aid that "the reason he was so pissed was because I told him I his real dad would never like me because I was f*&^ing his ex wife." I never said this. Wife had to leave work, and come home just in case he did do that. He never did. Instead, he got pissed off in his own apartment. He was so wiped that he broke a window in his apartment, his up stairs neighbor called the cops and they came and arrested him. He was in jail for two days. I told her that we would not bail him out. He called a bunch of times collect from jail to ask us to come and bail him out. On the second day, he actually called me and asked me to come bail him out. Somehow he got out of jail. His landlord evicted him and I came to discover that my wife had cosigned for him on the lease. She told me she had not done this. Luckily he was able to part ways with the apartment and we did not have to pay the difference in what was left on the lease. He actually asked his mom if he could come here and stay with us again. She said no. Thankfully.
He ended up renting a room from some friend of his in a nearby part of town. That was the beginning of this month.
The latest beyond that. Saturday night he was at a rave party in the downtown area of town. He claims he was "jumped" by some guys he didn't know. They smacked him with a pipe or something, cut open his cheek and broke his cheek bone. She has now taken him to the hospital, and Drs appts., and is apparently paying for his health care. Tonight she said she was on her way home. I called and asked why she was still gone an hour later. She said he had taken him to a Drs appointment and would be home shortly, he could not drive because he was on powerful pain killers. She never told me she was doing this. I had stopped at the store to buy steaks to make us a nice dinner. I had knocked over the trash, and in the trash was a huge empty beer can, and bandages. She had brought him here while I was on a business trip, even though we had agreed that "we are done with him." I told her, and she agreed that he was not welcome in this house. (What is he doing drinking if he is on strong painkillers anyway?) I was livid. I just had to get out of the house, so I left. I went and walked around the local mall for a couple of hours to cool down. When I got home I went upstairs and collected my stuff to sleep in the spare bedroom. I have had enough. She said that she could not stand the stress I was causing her and that she felt threatened (by me.) I said I was not creating stress in her life, that he son was doing that.
What now? I am totally lost here folks. She just does not seem to get the point that my feeling and wishes really do matter here.
I do love this woman. But I am very rapidly losing respect for her.
The last thing she said is that "this is his home too." I am completely at a loss. She still allows both her kids mail to come here, claiming that this is their "permanent address. SD is 25 and living with the boyfriend, her boy is 21!
Update on my kids? My oldest son recently was granted an internship in the physics department at his college.
My younger son is back into swimming, and doing well in his AP classes.
I feel like a drowning man here.
I can only distance myself from her, since she obviously chooses to keep him happy over me. Am I wrong? Please help me.
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