ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He has 2 year old with his ex. I understand that compared to a lot of what I have read here, I don't have as much time invested as a step parent. But the love I have for this child is just unthinkable. He has his good and bad days. His father has always stood up for me when it comes to BM and her family. They have created issues surrounding me as a person and attempted to crucify me any chance they possibly could. Now we can ALL agree, WE MADE THIS CHOICE. No one made me choose this child. I chose to love him. I chose to take a chance with his father AND with him. The whole package deal. They have made up lies about me being on drugs. I admitted to smoking pot but that was before I even met my boyfriend. I have been open and honest every step of the way. Even told her about how my mother died from drugs and my very sad childhood. Therefore I would NEVER put a child in harms way. What happens? They turn it against me. I must be an addict because my mother was. Like WHAT?? BF does as much as I do with the child. Teamwork 100%. She claims she doesn't want me to be a figure in his life, simply a friend. I made it clear I do NOT want to replace her as she is his mother & that is the right that she earned having him. Regardless, I know this kid loves me in his own way. We have so much fun together & it is honestly a blessing to be a part of his life. Does it ever get better or should I prepare myself for the worst? They went as far to demand I take a year long drug & alcohol program before being around the child when we already live together. (They share 50/50. 6pm drop off every day) Which I obviously refused but I have taken multiple drug tests over time to prove them wrong. I'm at an end with the way they treat me & speak about me as if I am some kind of god awful person trying to harm their kid. I do not have children of my own. I always swore I wouldn't ever be a SM but I honestly wouldn't change my life at this point. Any advice is welcome. Sorry for the rant. There is plenty more to be told but I just need some kind of help. I don't want my relationship with my SC to be in ruins years from now because of resentment and jealousy.
Correction in my post. 6pm
Correction in my post. 6pm drop off *every other day* they each have him for 24 hours at a time.
The fact that the bm and her
The fact that the bm and her family have an issue and have done that is just sad. If I was you I'd have ignored them all from day one and if my partner didn't back me up and say look this person is great for me and daughter/son so you lot need to stop .. I'd be gone. I wouldn't even hsve defended myself nor would I have told them my past or childhood or anything deeply personal.
You three should just carry on as you are and you personally ignore the bm and her family and your partner tell them to stop and ignore them when they talk rubbish.
As for being a step parent in my personal experience I would make time but don't bend over backwards at any point. Be there for what you can be there for and that's it really.
Welcome to the site!
Why does BM and her family call the shots and you and your boyfriend go along with it? I don't live in the USA but I understand there that legal agreements about access to a child for both parents are the norm. This is what should be heeded, not the nonsensical and unreasonable demands of BM's family. You say your boyfriend stands up for you, but in my opinion, neither of you should be having any communication with BM's family at all. Essential communications only, between your man and BM about matters to do with the child, is all that should be going on. YOU are NONE of their business. How dare they?
I do have some experience of this because when I started seeing my DH, BM told her young children all sorts of awful, untrue things about me. My response was that I never talked to BM, had caller ID on our landline so that if she ever phoned, I didn't pick up if I knew it was her. In the 17 yrs I have known DH I have spoken to BM maybe two or three times. You need to block this toxic family from all contact with you - do it now!!
Her step dad is the only one
Her step dad is the only one that is decent about contacting DH back if he's going to be late getting off or anything for that matter. One night they wanted to keep him until 8 & he said no, you can bring him on time. She ignored all of his texts & her dad finally texted him after DH's mother got involved & dropped him off closer to 745. Poor guy had to move out of his own house because when they broke up, her & her family wouldn't leave. She's a young mom so she thinks that everyone else should fight her battles. I no longer have any contact with them but any time he mentions something about wanting to change the schedule, they start some bs & then I'm brought up as an enemy somehow. It's exhausting walking on eggshells.
Wow, this is a lot of trying
Wow, this is a lot of trying to defend yourself to BM, when all that's needed is for your SO to tell her to knock it off, she gets no say about who is in his life.
Stop trying to convince her of anything, I can't believe you took drug tests for her. No court would ever order that. Stop being around when she comes to the house (and OMG, they have to stop this alternating 24-hour custody periods, that's insane). Let your SO know that it's his job to put a stop to his ex's behavior or you will file a restraining order against her.
Enough is enough. But also - guard your heart. I'm sure he's a lovable child, but he's not your child, and with a mother like this, lots of things can go wrong.
She doesn't even have a
She doesn't even have a license to drop him off. Her step dad does it every time. The two times I have had the child by myself, they have physically showed up & taken him from me. The first time it was her mother who practically beat down the door & took him out of my arms as soon as I opened it. They kept him for 3 days without so much as a word to DH but wanted to meet me in person and feed me crap about wanting everyone to be happy & coparent when all they do is cause any possible issue they can. He's already been in touch with a lawyer that said when he is ready, they can go to court for a better schedule on paper so that she has to follow it & then I can watch him without her trying to take him. Not sure what the hold up is. Guess since things have been okay lately, they're both avoiding it?
He needs to go to court and
He needs to go to court and get a better schedule with joint custody. Clearly BM and her mother think they are the real parents and he is only babysitting at their discretion.
You communicated WAAAAAYYYY
You communicated WAAAAAYYYY to much with BM. Your family history is none of her business.
Step back. Do not be around ( you can be in the bedroom or something) when there are pick ups or drop off's if they take place in your house. Do not talk to this woman. She is your BF's problem, not yours.
Also, I would recommed talking to your BF about changing the schedule to week on week off. Daily rotations has to be so hard on everyone! I can't even imagine!
I would love a schedule like
I would love a schedule like that but he is against being away from his son for that long and his mom is the babysitter when he's at work on his days. She's a little older & SC is just too wild for her to watch every single day during his weeks. BM & her mother would LOSE their minds if he ever mentioned other childcare when SC is with him.
Oh wow darling you are making
Oh wow darling you are making this whole situation way more stressful for yourself. It doesn't need to be this way.
My SD was just shy of 3 when I got together with her dad. There was a brief show of crazy BM behaviour in which she did the usual "I have the right to know about her since shes going to be around MY child" my husband simply replied "No you dont. SD is our child and OUR responsibility, not SecondGenerations. I dont ask questions about whoever you choose to spend your time with, you do not get to do that with me."
We had one instance of BM talking to me in the street. I, again, made my boundaries very clear. I told her I was perfectly happy ignoring her existence if she wished to ignore mine but if she drew attention to herself I would acknowledge her. I told her this was my home now, if she needed to talk about SD then she needed to speak to my hubby, not me.
6 years later BM and I have had one tiny exchange since then. About lost socks. That's it. Any and all communication goes through my hubby.
It is his job to be the buffer between his new partner and his old partner. It's his job to arrange custody, do court battles and engage with lawyers. Your job is to be INVISIBLE support. You support him however much you wish behind closed doors but for all public and legal matters it needs to be the dad on his own two feet. It does a father absolutely no favours for anyone to get the idea that the stepmom is move interested in the fight than dad.
You should not be subjecting yourself to this level of control by BM and need to kick your boyfriends backside into gear about getting the custody order changed.
First thing I would change is the exchange place. No longer door to door. Choose a public place. My hubby and BM use the local library car park, and have done for 6 years for any exchanges that dont happen via school. Also change the time why 6pm? If kid is in daycare it should be Parent A drops child, Parent B collects child.
Do not agree to drug testing, that's just absurd. Do not tell BM any more information about you or your history. Shes now going to use that information to try to present you as an unstable risk around her child. She will now use it to try to get it written into the court order that you are under no circumstances to be alone with the child.
As step parents we can love our stepkids, but we have to protect our own hearts too. I love my SD9, it's a different love than for my DD1 but I do love her. BUT I refuse to allow myself to get too close, I will not get more bothered by a situation than her parents. SD struggled at school, her parents looked into extra help, I looked into whether any other schools in the area would be better (I personally think that would be the best move). I gave said info to my hubby, he discussed it with BM but they chose to keep her in the current school with external support. I personally think it was the wrong choice but not my child, not my choice.
You also need to make it clear to your boyfriend that being a step parent is not automatic free child care. HE needs to be present for HIS time with HIS kid, else he will loose it when it goes to court.
I apologize for making it
I apologize for making it seem like he isn't as involved. He most def is. He is a wonderful sweet man and a great father. She trapped him saying she was on birth control, her parents also told his parents she was. 3 months into the relationship, boom she's pregnant. Then he finds out she was 17. Her parents also told his parents she was 18 because she eventually moved in with him at his parents while he was waiting to close on his house. I'm telling you these people are PSYCHO. Him and his family have always stuck up for me. Also we can't do week to week. DH works 7a-6p Monday-Friday and his mom is retired so she watches the child during the day on his days. She's older so she isn't able to keep up with him as much as she'd like to. BM mom watches him on their days. And they've made it very clear that they won't approve of anyone else watching their child. I keep telling him to go to court to get it all taken care of. the lawyer he chose is very good but blurry expensive so he is working on saving the money.
Please look into cloning your
SecondGeneration, please look into cloning your husband
I'm afraid a clone would also
I'm afraid a clone would also come with the morning grumpy that he suffers from lol. Although since we've had DD1 hes getting better.
OP as mentioned walk away and
OP as mentioned walk away and find a childless man. IF you decide not to find a healthy 'entire package" I suggest the following. Note I did not use good choice / bad choice in finding a healthy man. That is for a reason.
Anyway,
HIT the reset button today. That means...block bm and any of her family who may have your personal info social media, cell phones. block TODAY. Make your social media private---and also check your friends list. Who do YOU know that she may know. BLOCK Them...make yourself invisable. DO NOT post cute pic of you and boyfriend and his child on social media either.
There is zero reason BM and her minions (her family) need to contact you. IF she starts to bitch "what if there is an emergency---tell her to notify the police because they find everyone when necessary.OR tell her to call her lawyer--the lawyer will contact boyfriends lawyer...
Once you do that....THEN become inviable. Don't go to pick Ups don't go to the door for drops or pick ups. Don't answer telephone calls she makes to boyfriend..and say "Oppsie, ummm he is outside, I will have him call you, K?", don't answer emails....zip. zero nothing. Don't send home with boyfriends kid..cute little note "MISS YOU" "LOVE YOU" "Try to have a good week"...DON'T do anything..your invisible remember? Your visable to people inside your home but not bm and her "CREW"
Never ever agree to terms from anyone ie drug tests without a court order. THATS nuts. NEVER tell them anything, remember your inviable.
Lets say she takes boyfriend to court---IN court she tells the Judge your always high or drunk or what ever. First of all DO not go to court, remember your inviable.. Her assertions, SHE has to prove that as fact NOT as her opinion.
You owe her nothing and she has to prove everything.
Get ready---the storm has begun. Its your time to make a life altering DECISION. What you decide is what you decide. If I was your mom I would tell you to find a man without kids. YOUR too young missy...way to young.
Book a cruise with your friends..or go to VEGAS. Go have fun.
I've made a new Facebook page
I've made a new Facebook page, I have them all blocked on everything for months. I'm never even in site for drop offs. Last time he mentioned the schedule change, her mom started texting him just talking crap out of nowhere about me. Why am I always included in this? I literally make myself as invisible as possible, yet anytime someone wants to get upset with him, I'm get the crap end of the stick?? I do want to stick by him. He is a wonderful man, SC is wonderful as well. We have a beautiful home together. I'm 27 & I've had two long term relationships that were trash with people without children. I personally don't want to have any of my own. But as I said, it really sucks going through all of this but I really wouldn't change my life at this point. I will never let her rip my home & my family apart. I wish she'd see that so she'll know im not planning on going anywhere.
" I personally dont want to
" I personally dont want to have any of my own"
Ok, this is absolutely your right BUT if you genuinely do not want children, I would seriously suggest you reassess your relationship to see if you can long term cope with having a step child.
Generally speaking, people who do not want children, picture their life as less stressful, no school drama, no family holidays that get ruined by tantrums. They are usually after a peaceful and organised home environment and enjoy the freedom of being able to just go away for a weekend at the drop of a hat.
(Now I ofcourse do not know the reasons you do not want children, but I think you seriously need to have a think about this.)
Having a stepchild means you get all the negatives of having a child, without much of the positive. It's very one sided and typically gets more stressful as they get older. We are also moving towards a society in which its increasingly difficult for a 18 year old to fly solo. So it's often a until 21 deal.
Personally, I was very clear that I would only entertain the idea of a relationship with my now hubby, if he would support me in having a child in the future. That meant him also being open to fertility treatment or adoption if fertility became a problem because I didnt want to risk getting to that point for him to say "I already have a child so if it's not going to happen naturally I'm ok with it".
As mentioned, my SD9 is a golden child, in 6 years I've seen this kid have 2 tantrums. Shes a pleasure to be around, she is primarily with her mother. Coming to us alternate weekends, one day a week and half of all school holidays. And yet, despite the fact that we do not have 50/50 our lives are still about her. As it generally is when kids are involved.
Again, it was a personal and conscious choice for me that the trade off for being a step parent was me having my own in the future. If you have no desire to have a child, why would you want to be a step parent? Particularly in your current set up of having the child every other day?
This may not feel like much of an issue now as your boyfriends little one is so young, but it will become a problem. And potentially will become a huge problem if you haven't identified your own motivations and what you want your future to look like.
I have been told by numerous
I have been told by numerous doctors I cannot have children. I came to terms with this a long time ago. I'm also in the restaurant industry and have been for many years so I can not afford to take time off for maturity leave. I love children and I have thought many times about having one but with it being nearly impossible, I wrote off the idea of it years ago.
You are a SM you have no rights
BF should be with this kid when he has his child . I can see BM being upset with BF taking the child then dumping it onto SM to take care of. That not the point of.visitation
That's not the case though. I
That's not the case though. I'm sorry I was unclear in that. The two times I had the child was during the day while he was at work
Ignore the wh*re! Seriously,
Ignore the wh*re! Seriously, block, ignore, avoid and tell your boyfriend that you do not want to know the lies and nasty things said about you. No more drug tests, no more proving yourself unless you are court ordered to and even then I would be hiring a lawyer to fight it and represent me. You do not need to have any relationship with BM ot her family. If there is an issue with the boy you tell your boyfriend, he can then choose to inform BM if he feels it is necessary. I would also be strongly advocating for longer visitations than 24 hours at a time. Having to deal with exchanges that frequently must be a nightmare.
OP thanks for writing back.
OP thanks for writing back. OK good you made new social media accounts....
Next boyfriend can block Granny Gulch and her flying monkeys on his cell AND social media too. . I believe you and he may feel a little odd doing that since they are 'family' and specifically GRANNY. But here is the thing.
Unless the court has ordered BF to have access for them....BOYFRIEND is not required. BF can block their telephone number period.
He does not have to explain himself to anyone but a Judge---Your Honor, our child has access to BM and when our child is with BM the child has access to her family. IF an additional reason is required of bf, then, Your Honor, I have been more than reasonable with Granny Gulch and monkeys however, I had to stop their access to me when they are offensive and tormenting myself and my girlfriend. ALL communication between Granny, and her entire family will continue at bm's discretion.
OR boyfriend can have his lawyer write BM"s lawyer a short but firm letter.
Please inform your client BM to stop tormenting my client AND his new girlfriend Ms OP by way of telephone calls, emails, social media and while in public. BMs family has also participated and they too must stop. List their names one by one in letter. I have instructed my client Mr. boyfriend and MS blah blah, to take all available actions, requesting all available relief from the court, starting with harassment charges.
(something along those lines)
BF is not morally or legally required to have a relationship with them...just saying.
Sorry your going thru this. WE are here to help in any way possible.
Your home, your rules...BUT remember always follow the court order. Any changes must or should be done via modification. Don't ask BM for changes and don't give changes...
My2cents
Goodluck
Bravo CG, bravo.
Bravo CG, bravo.
Thank you to everyone for
Thank you to everyone for your responses, they have definitely given me a better outlook on the situations I've endured so far in this relationship. It seems to continue to escalate but the more it does, the less I feel the need to defend myself. As you all have stated, I owe her and her family nothing. I appreciate all of you!