Hi, This is my first post.

I'm completely exhausted and feel cheated, but need to know if I am over-reacting or being selfish. 

I have no children but my partner of 7 years has 2 boys (aged 14 and 20). He and his wife divorced 10 years ago before I came along. 

1. Their mother moved over 300klms away and dictates when my partner will see the youngest one, because of the distance my partner is unable to see his son when he wants to and so has to pay the highest threashold of child support. Some month's we cannot cover our own mortgage, but we pay hers (both figures are the same!).

2. Their mother manipulates and controls my partner, she was abusive to him when they were married, and it is continuing. She is narcissistic, cruel and very cunning. He puts up with her taunts because he is worried he won't get to see his son. But sadly this has left him with 'no spine', he cannot defend himself, me or our relationship and we are constantly 'put-down' and told how everything is going to be. I have tried to defend my partner to her and I have been called very name under the sun, but I cant stand up to her if he won't and turns around and apologises to her, just so he can 'keep the peace'. She blames me for everything and tells me that my infertility means that I don't know how to speak to children. (I helped raise 7 neices and nephews, who all have university degrees, have never been in trouble with law and we are all a good christian family with no skeletons or in-fighting). She cannot exist without 'drama' and I do not know how to live that way, I wasn't raised that way so I don't know how to respond when she verbally attacks me.

3. The eldest boy lived with us for a time, until we had to ask him to leave as he broke a pretty big rule regarding drugs (my job means I CANNOT have anything to do with this sort of criminal activity) ,and he stole from us. He stole my deceased mother's jewellery and my engagement ring from my former husband, pretty sentimental stuff. His parents did not apologise to me, have not offered to help search for them at pawn shops etc. nothing. I am just expected to accept it as par-for-course. He went to live with his grandmother (as his mother had already made him leave her house as he did not get along with her new husband!). Grandmother did not discipline and allowed him to do drugs in the house. As a result his behaviour declined and he was in trouble with the law. He had now developed pyschosis from the drug abuse. There were some other absolutley awful stuff that he did, but I am not about to bore anyone with those details. 

4. Grandmother eventually made him leave her house. His mother begged my partner to take him back. I refused for the reasons mentioned above. Grandmother and mother said 'just for one night'. He stayed with us one night. His mother told him to stay at our place every night and at his grandmothers during the day (didn't talk to us about that, just told him to do it.). Now he is at our house every night. My partner lets him walk all over him. I'M the one who disciplines, I'M the one who doesn't sleep at night, because I am worried he is stealing from us at night or letting unsavory people into our home. The mother won't let him back in to her home until he has gone to re-hab (which we can't afford). (so it's ok for him to be in our home but not in hers???).

5. Youngest boy stayed with us and I walked into his room and smelled cigarette smoke IN HIS ROOM. He denied it completely and was abusive towards me. Partner spoke to him and found out it was true, but didn't discipline him. So this whole thing looks like it is starting again with the youngest one. 

My partner allows his ex to have no respect for him and now his boys have no respect for him. And the worse thing is, that his lack of loyalty, lack of strength and lack of parenting makes me not want to respect him either. 

I feel like I am in a nightmare, where I am standing in the corner screaming how unfair everything is, but no one hears me. 

I am spent time, money and love on the boys growing up. I have forgiven and paid for them to have trips and adventures, so that they have memories and not 'things'. 

What do I do? Please help. Is it over?