Holidays... Am I wrong
Forums:
How do you handle holidays at the Husbands family with the evil step daughter? I've disengaged and made it known shes not welcome at my home for the holidays unless I'm respected but what about extended family gatherings? She's always in attendance, and I don't feel it's appropriate for me to go in the event she decideds to creat a scene I would feel horrible for the family members that I actually enjoy being around. I told the inlaws I wasn't going to come for this reason and now the mother in law who is more like my mother than my own is begging me to come. Basically guilting me. My Husband is upset with me too, seriously??? Ugh.
Advice?
Has the SD created scenes
Has the SD created scenes before?
I don't know much of your history but if SD has been disrespectful and every interaction has been full of conflict I wouldn't attend either. I refuse to give up my precious time, especially holidays with someone who disrespects me. Have your boundaries around her and stick to them. You shouldn't be subjected to her bullsh!t. I get your MIL wanting you to attend but if you are not comfortable with it, she shouldn't guilt you.
You dictate your life and how you want to live it, what you do and where you attend. Do what's in your best interest and enjoy your holiday.
Here will go with the
Here will go with the plethora of different ideas. I will add mine too.
Don't go. Send a nice gift to MIL that your dh will take with him and maybe a tray of Christmas Cookies too
Call MIL this week and tell her, Christmas to you means enjoying the day without worrying about outbursts, drama OR feeling uncomfortable about anyone. Your not interesting in going. Dont let her tell you it will be ok...
They can all gather around at Christmas and watch the drama unfold. It seems they are into that. You don't have to be.
Stick to your guns and enjoy Christmas on your terms. Go to Mass, curl up with warm cider and Hallmark Christmas movies....
FIY ---guilt is for a person who does something immoral OR illegal. NOT for deciding to stay away from Christmas Day filled with fighting, drama and gossip.
Do not let your DH's toxic
Do not let your DH's toxic prior relationship crotch dropping keep you from your family. However, let DH, MIL and the SD know that if the SD pulls her usual shit that it will be game on and you will shred her brutally. Let DH and MIL know that if they want a pleasant event that they need to put their collective foot up SD's ass and keep her under control.
Attend, be radiant, enjoy your time with your DH's family. But do not tolerate SD's crap or everyone else tolerating her crap either.
I would go if I knew that if
I would go if I knew that if SD acted like an ass she would be asked to leave the gathering. I think it would be good for her to see that the world doesn't revolve around her and that if she acts like a fool she will be treated like one.
If you don't have that confidence that your in-laws will ask her to leave, then I like the idea of sending some baked goods with your love.
I'm in a similar situation.
I'm in a similar situation. Do what makes you feel comfortable. If your DH gets mad so be it. If you dont end up going I love the suggestion of sending along something with your DH.
When we were growing up, kids sat at the "children's table"
so they were not heard or seen. That always seemed kind of like an oxymoron to me, as holidays are for getting together with FAMILY.
Maybe you can start a new tradition, and have a CHILDREN'S TABLE, even if only for the intellectually childish. LOL
Of course I am kidding.
Do what you feel most comfortable doing. Nobody is concerned about your comfort level and these DH's and SD's are all about THEIRS.
Hope things go well.
It just makes me crazy
I appreciate all of your imput. I do really enjoy his family gatherings, with all the nieces and nephews being small it's always interesting. SD is not a "kid" anymore, she's almost 30..... And when she's around my husband is completely engrossed in every word she says, etc. Because she isn't nice to me they don't see eachother very often and I get it but I almost feel invisible when they're together, and with the rudeness she vomits to me it just adds to my irritation. when confronted with this he says he didn't mean to do it and he's sorry every damn time... Usually Daughter #2 is my ally, and she works most holidays now so I can't count on her to be there.
I feel the best thing I can do for my mental health at this point is avoid the situation. Princess is getting married (See SD Wedding post) and the whole world seems to revolve around her. Ever since this engagement things have changed at home, my Hubby doesn't get it, he just expects me to smile and continue to be bullied and talked down to and it's not gonna happen anymore. But he says he understands and just doesn't know how to deal. Well hell I don't know how to deal either.
The last year has been rough, seriously about the most stressed I've ever been. My mom moved to assisted living when I suggested she get some more help at home, (I was her primary caregiver and run my own business, and also have a ft job and I just couldnt' do it anymore alone I asked my siblings and they pretty much refused) and she will not speak to me anymore because I couldn't devote my entire life to her and her needs. My siblings finally after 5 years of being non existant decided to step up and do something for my mother, they sold her house and moved her (taking all valuable items to their respective homes) they will not speak to me because they had to step up and disrupt their lives a bit. Which in turn created a "you need to apologize to your mother and make things right" from her side of the family (no idea what I'm apologizing for) and so I don't feel I can attend their functions on the holidays without hearing about how I need to make up with my mom, (for what I still don't know). My father has terminal cancer, and also pulled some stupid extortion bs with a business we owned together and I was forced to pay him a bunch of money he wasn't owed in order to keep things moving for the business. Which has caused an end to our already disfunctional relationship, he's always been in and out of my life so it was no surprise really this time it lasted 3 years, probably the longest in my life he's been around. I should have known better but I just keep trying to give him a chance. And then this crap with SD. I just want this year to be over and start fresh, but then theres the holidays... My husbands family is the closest thing to a functional family I've ever known and now I can't even be comfortable there wtih SD...
I'm sorry for all the blah blah but I have no one to talk to. And god it feels good to finally tell someone how I feel. Ugh...
Ever since this engagement
Ever since this engagement things have changed at home, my Hubby doesn't get it, he just expects me to smile and continue to be bullied and talked down to and it's not gonna happen anymore.
Boggles my mind how your H could expect for you to smile, allow to be bullied, and just suck it up. I’d be completely put off if he didn’t have my back and not fight for my honor. Why do you have to be the one to deal with it? Because it’s his daughter?? Yeah he can go @#$% off with that one. Do what feels right for you OP, at the end of the day you are all you got. If you don’t stand up for you, no one else will.
I’m sorry for what you have gone through with your mother and the rest of your family. Just know that your conscience is clear, that you did the best you could with the level of awareness that you had at the time. Having a sick parent is not easy and its always so simple to blame others and tell you what to do when they are not putting in the work.
Wishing you a happy holiday regardless of the outcome I hope it all works out in your favor.