Please don't go to the funeral. Let your ex grieve without having to see someone he doesnt want to see there. Send a card to the SILs if you feel compelled to. I've never lost anyone that close to me, but honestly I doubt I'd be looking around at a funeral of a close family member that is full of people to see specifically if my brothers ex wife was there or not.

I wouldn't go to either. It's your ex's space, not yours and you need to respect that. 

The ex sister-in-laws will not likely be taking attendance and based on the relationship you describe they likely won't even notice if you are not there. 

You should consider your own motives for even wanting to be involved or noticed during this time. 

I wouldn't go.  I would send a card, perhaps flowers, and reach out to the former sisters-in-law and let them know that you would have liked to pay your respects but didn't want to cause any drama with ex and his wife.

I'm in the don't go camp. My DH's ex came to his mom's funeral a few years back and I just don't think she belonged there. They were married for less than 10 years and had been divorced for about 12 or 13 years by then. It wasn't even under the guise of being there for the stepkids because 1) they were already adults and 2) they sat with us anyway. It just felt intrusive and then was even worse when afterwards she was handing out business cards like the networking whore she is. I hated seeing her there, it was a family time and she isn't family anymore, I don't care who she has kids with. 

I don't know if DH would go to BM's parents' funerals. Her mom was always nice to both of us but her dad stopped being nice to DH when they got divorced. I don't think (when the time comes) that he should go. They're not even people he really thinks about anymore and he definitely has more tact than his ex. 

You are no longer part of this family and you weren't in touch with ex-MIL after the divorce. Therefore it's really not your place to attend this funeral. Your ex-husband should be free to grieve his mother without your presence.

Probably a good idea to send a card to your SILs  so that they know you're thinking about them, just like you would send a card fo a friend who had lost a parent. You don't need to give an explanation why you're not going, you just say you can't attend. If they press for an explanation, you says you have a medical appointment which you need to attend and don't give any further details.

Send flowers or a donation - whatever they request in the obituary.  

You do not attend that funeral.  You know there are people that would not want to see you.  You have not managed to maintain a relationship with the other people anyway correct?  I mean, if they are so important that you would want to go to their funeral.. wouldn't it have been better to spend time with them when they were alive?

I would spend some time writing your EX SIL's a nice note/letter.. telling them how sorry you are for their loss and how you have fond memories of their mother etc...   That's it.  You could send a flower arrangement.. but isn't that really a virtual stand in for YOU? and won't that be a reminder to your EX of your presence? 

Keep it simple.. send a heart felt condolence to the SIL's.  They likely do not expect you... someone they haven't seen for a while to attend.

This is not complicated.  The funeral is for the living.. and certainly the EX SIL's have sufficient support around without your presence.

Unless you attend the funeral for every family member of neighbors you are "friendly" with, it's inappropriate for you to go to this one. 

Do NOT go! This is your exes mother....no need to bring drama to a funeral. I’m sure sister in laws will be just fine.

I agree with everyone who says not to go. Don't be one of THOSE exes.

I was very friendly with both my XMIL and CFIL.   Mil used to call me her daughter still and I would take her and BS to lunch after church on Sunday’s. XH never went to church.  

Fil became ill suddenly and I was able to sit with him a we days before he passed.  I went to the service and was invited to the family dinner afterward.  Despite being welcomed it was the most uncomfortable time ever.  I didn’t feel like I belonged and couldn’t wait to leave.  No one did anything to make me feel that way.  But I could tell XHs hf was not comfortable despite us always being very friendly.  

When my XMIL passed my XH and I were not on good terms and he was very hostile toward me.  No way was I going to the service or viewing.  And I am still friends with my sil and everyone else in his family.   I know my xsil understands why I wasn’t there and has no issue with it. 

Just send a lovely plant or flowers to the service and maybe a card to the sisters explaining how sorry you are for their loss but you will not be able to attend the funeral.  

The last thing they need at this time is drama from their brother.

Don't do something that would start a scene at a funeral.

It's not about you. It's about the family, and you aren't a part of that family. I have personal experience with people trying to crash funerals. If you show up, it's selfish on your part. Visit the gravestone afterwards if you want to pay your respects.

My SOs dad passed recently and his BM planned to attend the service.   SO sent her an email telling her he did not want her to come.   His family really didn't like her and truley hated her after she left him for another man.  She created so much drama about being uninvited with SD21 and SS17 that they refused to sit with their dad at the service and instead sat with BMs mom who made it a point to try and tell anyone who would listed how wrong it was the BM was asked not to come.  It would have been so much easier if BM would have just respected the grieving process of SO and told her kids it would be inappropriate to come instead of making it about herself.  Trust me, the family just needs to greive, this is not about you.

Send a card to the sil you believe will be 'put off' if you dont show.. Geeze your sil sounds like an ass.

without thinking how uncomfortable it would be for me.

I agree with everyone else. Don't be that ExW that shows up knowing it can possibly cause problems. You already stated that it would be uncomfortable for you. Why do you care so much about how your X sister in laws will feel or think of you? What they feel about you should be of no concern. Do yourself a favor and do not attend, you'll thank yourself later.

My concern was how to deal with my Ex sister in laws WHO could be offended if I did not show up to pay my respects

I see what you're saying......In all honesty I wouldn't concern myself about them being "offended" or not, that's just me but should this come up, just be real. I'd say something like " your brother and I don't get along and I dont want to cause any tension during this difficult time". You really don't owe them an explanation but if you feel the need to that's good enough. Now will they like it or not....who knows but it's not your problem.....

Just keep it movin' OP....it's not that serious for you to even be burdened by this....in my humbled opinion of course.

So will the SIL expect the first ex wife to attend as well?

I agree with the above: don’t attend, send a card, maybe flowers, and reach out to ex SIL.

My ex DH refused to abide by my wishes of NOT going to see my mother when she was on her deathbed and in hospice. It was utterly disrespectful to me and my family and I was incredibly upset by it. Plus, my mom didn’t care much for him, so it felt rather icky.

I just don't get the snarkyness??????

OP came here to the forum to ask what she should do in a situation that she was feeling a bit obligated to.  She never said she wanted to go. She was feeling a bit obligated and was looking for validation to NOT attend and a possible solution if someone became offended for her absence.  Keep in mind her Ex cheated on her and left her and she has not kept up with the family so it doesn't sound like she is looking for a way in to the family and using the funeral to do that.  She doesn't deserve the snarky comments but I guess that is some posters first reaction.

With that said I agree best for all if you do not attend.  My suggestion would be to contact your former sister-in-laws that you are close to either by card, letter or a call at some point.  I would not even explain why I was not there I would just send condolences.  If you really are close enough and want to tell them that would be fine too.  If I sent flowers at all it would be to the sister-in-laws house not the funeral home.  I am not sure how many years have passed or if you have children with your ex but this is enough for an ex that you have not had contact with the MIL for years.

I also do agree that we should evaluate all relationships before we attend wakes and funerals.  Be it friends or ex's.  If  relationship has been strained it is never the time to fix it or make someone who has lost someone uncomfortable.  I also believe wakes with a quick walk through the line pay your respects and leave when you do go, NEVER funerals for any reason!  No need to spend the day being uncomfortable on both sides.  

I am sorry for what you are going through.  Very difficult choice and you don't deserve the snarkyness... I get where you are coming from!!

I would contact one or all of your XSILs and get their input. If one of them invites you, then go of you wish.  If XH or his whore say a word, say you are an invited friend of the family and list who invited you. 

Sit towards the back and do not make a specticle of yourself.  Bring flowers and place them appropriately.

When the time seems appropriate, say your goodbyes to your XSILs and if he is not all wrapped around the axle, express your condolences to your XH as well. Ignore his whore.

I have thought about whether or not to attend the funeral(s) of my XFIL/XMIL and likely would.  They were good to me and I liked them, before the embezzlement crap came to light 19 years after the divorce from their cavern crotched adulterous whore of a daughter was final.  I might attend though I would not go out of my way if I am not fairly local to the services when they happen and I am not entirely sure.  Yet.

Be radiant, be classy, go pay your respects to your XMIL and your XSILs.   XH and his whore can FO.