What can I do?
Me again. Some of you read and commented on my previous post. Thanks. Another incident today from biob*tch.
I got home. I saw SS was home with his brother. DH wasn’t because he was still at work. I didn’t like that he was home and DH wasn’t nor that I was.
After an hour comes SD ringing the doorbell like crazy. One of the kids starts playing with her from the window “Nobody’s home!!” SD “Yes there is! Where’s A?!” (A is SD). *they open the door* SD “I’m right here.” SD: “Mom says you need to come home now!” SS: “Why?” SD: “Because! Is lemonlime here?” She peers in. This was strange to me. She never really cares to ask if I’m home. Not that we have a bad relationship just she never asks. And why did she sound so worried? I concluded her mom must have come home. Saw SS wasn’t home, they told her where he was and she sent SD to come running and get him. The fact that she asked if I was here almost as if it would be an issue was odd to me. Biob*tch must have mentioned something about me being here. Maybe just told her to see if I’m home and report back. SS starts sulking and is putting his shoes on. “Why do I have to go?” SD mutters why under her breath. I don’t know I guess I figured it was because of me after having asked if I was home. So I asked why. She replies with something about cleaning the car only this time more audible. “Oh” I only wanted to see if she had said what I thought it was. Otherwise I wouldn’t have cared.
I guess when they got home biob*tch interrogated and she got mad because I asked SD why. She called DH and started screaming at him. He was at work and couldn’t understand. She started sending him text after text after text b*tching about me asking. Said some things about me here and there. Practically threatened me in those messages.
There’s no use in me explaining to her why I asked. That her daughter had muttered under her breath and I thought she sent to get him because she “didn’t want him to be with me” and that’s what I thought she muttered this. So I asked why because wow. Did she really just say that in my house? Let me ask. Oh guess she didn’t.
However I know that’s the case and I couldn’t care less. I don’t want to have to take care of them by mysef either. Since last time I’ve kept my distance. Not doing anything for them. Now after another of her batsh*t crazy outbursts I have absolutely no desire to do anything for them.
Is there anything I can do to get her to stop attacking me? This time it wasn’t to me but it was “to” me through DH. I just need her to stop, man. She ruined my day last time and is ruining it at the moment. She can talk all the sh*t she wants about me to others behind my back but stop b*tching about me to DH. Whatever problem she has with me is her problem ONLY. It’s completely one-sided. Yeah, I hate her now. But I avoid her and have done so before except for the time she confronted me (previous post). Also, any tips or words of encouragement to remind me it’s not the kids’ fault? They came up again and I’m just so mad at biob*tch that I just opened the door and answered pretty coldly and said as few words as possible.
I'm completely confused about
I'm completely confused about what happened, the SS was at your house and she sent SD to get him and find out if you were home, and when you asked why they were leaving (to them) she blew a gasket?
DH should have shut that down the minute he figured out what she was screaming about, and in no uncertain terms. She will not speak of his wife that way, and if she continues to call and harass him in this manner, he will get a restraining order against her and you will as well.
Though if I were you, I would never be alone with the kids and never do much of anything with them, either. If DH couldn't shut down her nonsense, I'd be out of there. Life is too short. Clearly the kids are afraid of her and can't be trusted, and DH is not doing enough to shut her down.
They need to not be at your house when DH is not there.
And then, last of all - DH does not need to tell you when she goes on these rampages. He can handle them himself, they are his problem. By telling you, he's giving her power.
Take action or leave
Time to sit down with DH. The BM is defintely using the children as pawns and this is toxic for everyone. I suggest at least counseling for you and DH together, possibly including the kids someday. Speaking as a guy who had a controlling ex, he Must talk to her and be quite clear that she is the ex. You are the wife and that she is poisoning the kids, Also, if those texts are threatening for real then save them off. He may have to tell her that if she is threatening, etc. that you may seek an order of protection against her and that if she keeps using the kids like this he may petition family courst for redress. Play hard ball because if this keeps up, it will be a cancer that will destroy the marriage
Is there anything I can do to
Is there anything I can do to get her to stop attacking me? This time it wasn’t to me but it was “to” me through DH.
What does your H do when BM texts him disrespectful messages about you? Does he have your back, does he let her know that he will NOT tolerate her speaking about you in that regard? BM continues to do it because she feels she can and if your H is not shutting her down she thinks she has a pass.
Disengage from these kids and if H is not home they shouldn't be either plain and simple.
Yes he does. But she keeps
Yes he does. But she keeps going and going and going. He defended me, told her to stop and she just continued “I’m just saying tell her to stay in her lane.” She’s very... controlling I’ve noticed. When she gets into these situations it’s never to hear the other person out or give them a chance to speak, it’s to say what’s on her mind and then she legitimately wants you to say “Okay. I understand” or “Okay. I will do that.” Too many years in a department manager position, the only contact she has with people are basically her kids so what she says goes, and then her being able to quickly shut up their grandma (grandma obliges and pretty much does what she says) has led her to believe she has power and that she can always get her way. She’s in her own little world.
do you think that perhaps BM
do you think that perhaps BM didn't want SS over at your house if no-one was there? In fact.. you start out by saying (in a way that sounded annoyed).. that he was there without anyone being there. Maybe she doesn't want him there unsupervised?
So.. is it ok.. or not.. that the kids are there if no one is home.. and is the expectation always that your husband is home if his kids are?
I don’t think it’s okay for
I don’t think it’s okay for them to be home when no one else. This was the first time.
Perhaps. But the way SD asked if I was here... it didn’t sound like she wanted to make sure there was supervision. She got quieter when she asked that. That’s why I thought it was weird.
Can you expand on “using the
Can you expand on “using the kids”? Why do you say she’s using the kids? Maybe you “see” something I don’t. I never thought of it like that. Or maybe it is me doing something I shouldn’t be? Because all was well the past 3 years we’ve been together. So this to me is random. I have 2 explanations as to why she’s just now starting 1. From my previous post, she just found out about the soup thing, however she won’t take the time to sit and think that I was just starting out with DH and the kids were and are not my responsibility. So for me to look up what autism is would have been out of curiosity not because I had to. But, after that issue, I did look it up and for the next 2 years I knew what food was okay and what wasn’t. Sorry to understand this you’d have to skim my previous post. 2. She’s going through a hard time and is taking it out on us.
I guess either way there’s no excuse for her to be crazy. I did screenshot those texts. It’s through Whatsapp and she has a habit of texting and deleting her comments. That’s the thing about Whatsapp, if you delete something it deletes it on the other person’s end as well.
She kept saying “tell her to stay in her lane”. There’s no use to expain why I asked that they were leaving. She wouldn’t hear it anyway. She has her assumptions of me which is fine. But now I need her to stay in her own. It is none of her business if I am in my home or not. As long as I’m not interrogating or harming those kids I can ask them questions. Not that I ever do or will. I only asked because I thought she said something else. But because it wasn’t what I thought, I really didn’t care. Which is why I said “Oh.” I don’t know, she’s too crazy and like last time, this all puts me in a dark place. I hate fights and arguments.
Don't try to figure it out,
Don't try to figure it out, just set limits on it. It could be that she now sees you as a threat because you've lasted longer than other GFs, maybe you guys are talking about marriage, maybe maybe maybe, who knows? It doesn't really matter, the bottom line is that your BF MUST shut it down, right now. I know he sent her a cease and desist letter, but you both have to continue with the firm boundaries and consequences for what she's doing. So if she's threatening, the police need to be called and an order of protection is obtained.
I still think your BF is not being firm enough with her. YOU can't make her do anything, all you can do is protect yourself. And yes, the kids are her allies and as such, not to be trusted. You don't have to be mean to them, but keep your distance and let BF handle ALL parenting. That's all you can do.
How old are the kids in
How old are the kids in question?
11 SS and 9 SD. Why?
11 SS and 9 SD. Why?
Because, for me, it makes a
Because, for me, it makes a huge difference whether the kids are around 12 or 4 ...
Being home alone?
Being home alone?
I keep my house clean even with my wild 18 month old and 2 dogs. They’re not the cleanest kids around. Our upstairs toilet (their bathroom) is disgusting because when they come over to hang out for a couple of hours they go do their business and don’t flush. I stopped cleaning up after them. A long time ago. I don’t even go in that bathroom. SS way of washing dishes is rinsing them with water. And he only “washes” them because I ask everyone to wash dishes they use. I’ll often find super smudged glasses in the dishwasher and utensils with food stuck on them. I don’t want to to have to come home and have to clean up (crumbs, spills, etc) after people when nobody was notified they would be home. Or have to be the “bad guy” and ask them to clean up.
SD... I don’t trust her... She has a very unhealthy habit of stealing. She’s stolen pricy makeup from me before and personal belongings from kids at school. I just know she’d take being home alone as an opportunity to look through all nooks and crannies of the house and that would make me feel like my privacy is violated. DH feels this way too, sadly. Good thing she wasn’t though.
Not just being hime alone,
Not just being hime alone, also their behaviour, bm's reactions, etc.
You still haven't answered my question lol
Your question was “How old
Your question was “How old are the kids in question?” Pretty sure I answered you :)
Honestly, I think if she was
Honestly, I think if she was worried with them being home with you "alone".. then the question would have been more along the lines of "Is dad here".. not whether you were there or not..
I think it's more along the lines of she didn't want the kid unsupervised.. and that running off to the house without anyone there (adult) was not good.
I
I guess. As I said though,
I guess. As I said though, the whole situation was odd to me. She got quiet shen she asked that.
Whatever the case, there’s no reason for BM to have reacted the way she did. It’s not that hard to call DH calmly instead of yeling like she did, amd say what she needed to say and possibly ask for my side. Her problem is she’s had her own stepmom and her dad kicked her out of the house for being disrespectful to stepmom. She resents her for that and in turn does not like me because I’m “stepmom”. She says I may be able to fool DH but I don’t fool her. Okay, crazy.
Order a copy of Say Goodbye
Order a copy of Say Goodbye to Crazy, and research the grey rock technique.
If BM's texts annoy DH, that is a reward for her, especially if he responds. He cannot make her stop texting him, but he can ignore her COMPLETELY when she does.
I guarantee you this is the only way to stop her.
You are right. I would always
You are right. I would always get SO pissed when BM would text w/her stupidity....I wanted him to 'defend himself' or me or stand up to her. He (after several text/battle exchanges) decided he would do it HIS way. IGNORE THE WHORE. He ignored every text/call for several years and it would get to her SO bad lol!! It's the worst thing for them....worse punishment and puts them in place more then any 'confrontation' can do IMO. I hate to admit he was right though.
Yes, DH has ignored BM for
Yes, DH has ignored BM for years now. He recently communicated with her a bit when he started having to pay tuition for college, but it quickly descended into her threatening court so NOPE, she's cut off again. She tried a few more times to communicate nicely and then gave up. Go to court or shut up. He tried, she's impossible.
lol what the heck. Didn’t
lol what the heck. Didn’t even think to look for reading material about this. That is awesome. Will be seeing if my library has this.
That makes a lot of sense. At this point then it’s my fault. I’m always ready to defend myself and anybody I love so to me it’s always defend defend defend. DH has always been about ignoring. And like someone else replied to you, I too am always saying he needs to defend me and defend himself. And he does, actually. But there’s only so much you can do if the other party is the crazy one who doesn’t stop. She loves confrontation. The last time she talked to me I could tell she enjoyed every minute of it. It’s sick and sad. So reaction is what she wants and reaction we won’t give. Thanks. I’ll bring this up to DH. First, tell him he was right and I was wrong and suggest we do ignore her and if texts or calls from her involve my name to ignore/hang up.
Tell your DH to stop passing
Tell your DH to stop passing on her crazy threats and BS.
ignorr the whore.
^ this is truely the only
^ this is truely the only thing YOU can do (and block her number if she communicates directly with you).
Your husband could choose to also shut down her rants and limit communication with her but that is up to him to do. Neither of you can control what BM does.
So it sounds like bio mum was chucking a hissy fit about nothing
You asked a standard question “oh you’re going home” like you were surprised and reality bio mum just wanted an excuse to set you back in your place.
your home, you are the adult, you get to call the shots or dictate things. Bio mum doesn’t!! Bio mum calls your husband telling him to put you in your place and hubby should tell her to shut her pie hole, that she doesn’t dictate things in our home- only hers! Then he hangs up.
bio mum starts ranting and sending abusive texts hubby tells her any further texts like this and he will get a restraining order or file for harassment.
You have a sort of narcissist hcgubm who feels its her duty and right to dictate what happens in someone elses home. Take control away from her!!
Time for DH to ignore the
Time for DH to ignore the whore and block her from his phone. Out Ban in a monitored blended family communication service and limit any communication with her.
Just another angle
Perhaps why SD asked her brother in a mutter if you were home was that if you were not she could come in an look through your belongings to steal something else. Since you say she has done that before. Then when you asked her what she said she then had ammo to take back to BM to get you in trouble. I did not read your back blogs, but just hearing that SD steals from people makes me think she could have her own reasons. And why is a 9 year old sent to get her brother? Do you live close to BM?
So now take all keys away from skids. No one allowed over unless DH is home to care for them.
There’s a lot of “perhaps”.
There’s a lot of “perhaps”. At this point, I don’t care why. I now know for a fact that BM overreacts to things and never wants to hear others’ explanation. What she thinks is what it is and end of discussion (or in her case yelling).
We live close to DH’s mom. BM is temporarily living with her because she couldn’t keep up with payments on her apt. when her sister moved out of state. Yes, DH’s mom doesn’t have boundaries. This I have been aware of for a while now which is why I don’t talk to her.