It really doesn’t sound like he is putting this on to me. I don’t know anyone who could fake crying hysterically on the ground for an hour. It definitely seems like he has problems carrying out everyday activities. If his current therapist is not helping much, perhaps it is time to do some more research and seek out a second opinion. If he is on medication then that might need to be altered. If he isn’t then I would be asking if there is anything that could help him.

It sounds like you are struggling to cope and stay objective with his behavior. If true, it might be worth taking a step back yourself and getting your husband to be his son’s main champion with his health care team. Disengaging from this could help save your sanity and be more productive for you all.

It must be very tiring to be dealing with this everyday. Just remember that it is not a reflection of your parenting skills or your ss as a person but just the way his brain functions. 

His therapist told you: He's struggling to cope with life. He's struggling to deal with basic tasks that many teenagers can perform without trouble. He probably has depression and anxiety, perhaps ADHD, but certainly avoidance, poor coping skills and poor problem solving skills.

What he did the other night wouldn't warrant an admission to the hospital because it was rage, not genuine suicidal or homicidal intent, it was an outburst caused by his poor emotional regulation and coping skills.

He sounds well on his way to Failure to Launch.  The therapist actually probably has it right. You guys need to keep pushing him to try more and do more and not let him off the hook because he has a giant tantrum. Set expectations for him, as you were (taking his whole check seems unfair though, let him help decide what portion goes to savings and what goes in his pocket).

Find a therapist who will work with the whole family - DH is a big part of the solution (and I don't mean part of the problem, though DH might be, I don't know.)

Never underestimate the power of genetics.  My DH has a cousin who married a friend of his (against his advise.. don't date him girl).

this guy has a history of abuse of women.. rage issues and alcaholism.  Well.. did.. he died not too long ago under somewhat dubious circumstances while he was alone with his last wife.. whose first husband also apparently passed under less than clear circumstances.  but I digress.

Anyway.. this aquaintance of my DH's.. his father was a horrible man.. as in used to rape his daughter and make his other kids watch.. that kind of deranged.  All three of the kids ended up with varying degrees of mental and substance issues.. not surprising I guess.. and you might think it's from the trauma.. but I just think it's "rotten genes".

Because the boy that was born to my DH's cousin is a complete POS as well.. He has a rap sheet as long as the brooklyn bridge.  He is abusive and has substance abuse issues.

Oh.. and he actually had fairly little contact with his dad growing up.. he had great role models in his mom's brothers.. and his grandfather.. he was loved.. and led a nice life in a nice suburban neighborhood etc.. where he began dealing drugs...and all sorts of nonsense as a young teen.

So.. the grandfather.. to father to son.. all three of them are what I would categorize as "bad seeds".. and I just hope.. the boy doesn't procreate.. lol.  but I'm sure he will.

In my middle 20s, I had a baby with a handsome charming man of my dreams, only to later get the living sh!t beaten out of me by him.

Turns out he had a wrap sheet a mile long, and was diagnosed with AsPD.

I thought babies were born clean slates.  Boy was I wrong.

My YDS had ADHD.  In kindergarden, he was the only one in his school in two years to be referred for evaluation.  He was prescribed Concerta, which helped.

As a teen, he had a ODD, Conduct Disorder, and Explosive Disorder.  I think he really did want to do well in school, but he didn't know how.  He couldn't concentrate.  Imagine it like being drunk and trying to do schoolwork.  Exhausting.

Their brains aren't like ours.  They part of the brain that controls impulses is smaller and less active.  The part of the brain that causes aggression is bigger and more active.  Their frustration tolerance is terrible.

About half grow out of it by their mid 20s.  Here is an article I found a long time ago, but it seems like the animation is broken, so here also is the animation:

https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16227385

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VRFZpJuWF4

My kid DID grow out of it, but he still isn't cut out for formal post-secondary education or a desk job.  He makes good money in the trades and doing mobile DJ tech.  He'll never make as much as my other kids.  But he's happy.

Your kid may or may not grow out of it.  I live in a county that does hold people responsible for things, so my son did do some time in juvie back in the day.

I feel your pain. I don't have children yet, but my youngest brother who is 23 has more problems than I could probably remember to list. According to his therapists and psychiatrists, he has OCD, ED, Bi polar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I've been struggling to understand this since he was diagnosed within the last year or so. I've always thought that there is something seriously wrong with this generation. It keeps getting worse. When I was in school ( just turned 31) the special ed classrooms were so small and barely any kids in my class were autistic or had ADHD. As each year passes I swear more kids have a "disorder". I think it comes from a variety of reasons. Some of which are, excessive screen time, playing video games at very young ages, cell phones, two parents working outside the home, poor soil quality, less home cooked meals, vegan diets during pregnancy and childhood, divorce and finally the biggest one of all lack of parenting and child centric homes. I understand your frustrations with the therapist and school. It does seem like your SS needs to develop better coping skills and having him do less is certainly not the way to accomplish that. He probably needs to have responsibilities added little by little instead of just giving him a big one and then expecting him to be able to handle it. He needs to be able to cope with things even if he does have a mental illness. How else will he function in life?! I saw this happen with my brother. He can handle less and less over time. Meanwhile he goes to support groups, therapy sessions, does DBT, takes a cocktail of medications and still cannot handle taking care of his freaking lizard or holding a part time job. I personally think it is because my parents do everything for him. It's laziness. He doesn't have to drive, pay for anything, no chores, doesn't clean his own messes and gets to play ...you guessed it VIDEO GAMES all damn day. 

Also, PS: i live on long Island in NY and I've never seen kids who are coddled so much in my life. This must be the most child centric state I've ever seen...aside from CA.