DNA, would you insist ?
Another family gathering and I continue to realize how the boy has nothing to do with DH. The boy doesn’t look like him at all, like the complete opposite. I already told DH about it and he agrees. Now he says that even if BM cheated, it is not the boy’s fault. I totally agree with DH, the boy didn’t ask to be born and he is indeed an innocent soul.
Now let me summarize. The BM is knowns as an easy woman, looking for another sponsor. Her ex looks a bit like her (and the boy). DH pays her CS while the boy is living with my ILs. I freaking want a DNA done, to see if it is really my DD’s half brother or not and also to have some arguments against the BM. I am totally in agreement with CS but I think it must go to my ILs, as they are raising this kid. I want to know, for many reasons, on how to distribute inheritage, how to deal with the boy and DD having a relationship etc etc.
I realize the ILs love this boy, I realize DH feels responsible for him. I do not think a DNA test would change anything in this situation and it shouldn’t. But I want the ILs to realize that this wh**e cheated on their son, brought another man’s sperm into their family and continue to take all advantages of this situation. I want her to be responsible of her actions.
would you insist on a dna testing ?
Thank you.
Awhile ago I would have said
Awhile ago I would have said no, but now with everyone doing the dna ancestry stuff I would if there is a actually a legitimate question because most likely the truth is going to come out at some point and who knows which family member it will be that discovers it and tells the truth.
Is there any evidence she actually cheated though? Just her being a ho and the kid not looking like him isnt enough.
No other evidence
than what I have previously exposed. Now DH has a very strong dominant genes, our daughter looks exactly like him. The BM is recessive and the boy has nothing to do with DH.
What does your husband want
What does your husband want to do?
Well he is kind of mixed
He also thinks that the boy not being his is possible. Now he says that in any case the situation is not the boy’s fault. And for my ILs, it is their first grandkid, so he doesn’t want them to suffer either.
But it makes me sick to observe that the ILs are licking BM’s ass, the CS is going to her while the expenses for the boy goes to DH’s family. And that DD looks exactly like DH while the boy doesn’t look like anyone from this family.
But does your husband want a
But does your husband want a DNA test?
He is hesitating
Not being for, not against
What will come out of you and
What will come out of you and your husband finding out this information? Will he get to stop paying child support? It seems like no matter what he's going to have the boy in his life even if he's not biologically his.
Side note: I wish my boyfriend would have tested some of his children's DNA because I can't trust that two of them are his due to an on and off relationship with a bi polar liar.
As per our discussion
He will not stop paying CS or seing the boy.
And this is not what I would like to happen. I would like him to pay CS to the ILs and I would like the ILs to realize that not only that woman made their son miserable, she also brought someone else’s sperm to their house.
BM moved her BF into my MIL's
BM moved her BF into my MIL's house WHILE SHE WAS STILL ACTIVELY MARRIED to my DH.
My FIL KNOWS the kind of person BM is, yet has tossed her money amd vehicles "for the boys".
What will come of this is likely more butt-kissing when they realize that have even LESS rights to their grandkid than they thought. It will cause BM to create MORE problems and start withholding the kid just because she can. SS may eventually be alienated while DH is on thr hook for CS, college, etc.
Knowing won't change anything for the better. It's only going to give you validation in knowing BM cheated (or, show that BM's genes are more dominant than DH's) while causing your DH and his family great grief.
The kid is in your family life circle. Just leave him there and leave it alone. Your DH can move to have CS going to the ILs and work to have them become legal guardians without doing a DNA test.
This could rip their hearts apart. My SSis pulled this crap, and it has done nothing but cause pain.
WOW
this is just crazy. I don’t event know what to say. I think everyone should realize and have an opportunity to decide, to raise someone else’s kid or not. One thing is to know the kid is not yours and take it as it is, another thing is being treated as a stupid person.
Your DH can totally decide to
Your DH can totally decide to do it...FOR HIM.
Not to appease you. Not to convince his parents that his ex is horrible. Strictly because he wants to know and wants his son to know the truth.
What I'm saying is don't push it, and certainly don't without really looking at all the angles. This won't end with everything being same, and if it will end with everything being the same, why chance it?
This is playing with fire, and someone will get burned.
The one thing I was feel gets
The one thing I was feel gets left out is the actual bio dad in these scenarios. Is it fair that he will never know his own child exists? What if they all find out later on and he missed out on them growing up?
What's the end game here? DH
What's the end game here? DH will still see the kid, still have to pay CS. What will be accomplished?
My DH's son looks exactly NOTHING like him. He's even 8 inches taller than DH. But he has the same inherited disease DH has, so there it is. It's his son.
There is no such thing as "Strong Dominant Genes". He just doesn't look like your DH, but doesn't mean he's not his son.
I am not saying he is not
I just want to know.
I have nothing against CS, only that it has to go to the ILs, not to that woman. And I want my ILs to realize what women they cherish and help all these years. This is about it.
This will cause nothing but
This will cause nothing but stress and drama in the family, especially for the child. Please let it go.
Well
Maybe not? Maybe he is really DH’s kid, why don’t you project this possibility ?
Either way - you don't think
Either way - you don't think the family will hold against you that you "insisted" on a DNA test? That they won't eventually tell the child?
I think he probably is DH's son, as I said, my SS looks nothing like my DH. I just am concerned that your interest in doing it will cause drama.
I understand you opinion
now let’s think a bit farther. If the dna shows he is related to DH, it is ok, everyone is happy. Now imagine he is not. Why don’t we think about the real father ? Maybe he would be happy to discover he has a son. And maybe the boy has a right to know who is his real father? Even if DH is travelling and paying the CS?
to be honest, I would vote for a dna test in the maternity hospitals. Honest women would not disagree but different types of wh**es would eventually think twice before committing such a thing.
I agree that babies should
I agree that babies should have a paternity test in the hospital.
HOWEVER, when you are years down the line and the kid and family are attached? Deciding to take a DNA test has to come with some responsibility and understanding of how that can go sideways.
Even if SS wants to know who his BF is if it doesn't happen to be your DH, that doesn't mean BM will say who it is. Or that she would even KNOW. Now the kid feels entirely fatherless, and may feel even more distant from DH because DH wanted to know if he was his blood - like he wasn't good enough until DH knew.
Or, BF wants to be involved with his son, but since your DH is on the BC and the ILs are caring for him, they say no. Or the guy is informed and he wants nothing to do with SS and refuses him any information.
And how about how it will make your DH feel if he realizes, and really confirms, that SS isn't his? He may seem "fine", but that doesn't mean it doesn't tear him up inside.
Believe me, even the most obvious paternity results cause havoc. If DH wants to know, he needs to talk to BM about it or wait until SS is an adult and can decide if he wants to find out.
But be honest - this is
But be honest - this is driven by hatred of BM, not concern about some poor man who doesn't get to know his son. That man might be royally pissed off to find out he has a son from some woman he knocked up accidentally. That might destroy HIS life, if he's married to someone else.
If the IL's want child
If the IL's want child support then they will need to petition the courts to get it, unless it's an informal situation then DH could pay them directly and BM would have to petition the courts for CS.
This isn't about you and really isn't your issue. You probably had these suspicions before you mingled your DNA with DH's. Why would you create a child with him if this was going to be a problem? There's no undoing the fact that regardless of biology the kid is part of the family. DH will likely be on the hook for CS if he allowed his name to be on the birth certificate. You're only going to look like a crazed jealous b*tch if you continue this campaign.
Not your circus not your monkey!
I think that if it's probable
I think that if it's probable the child might not be his then yes a DNA test should be done.
Not to prove that BM is a big ol lying ho (that's just a given), but more in case of future medical issues that could arise. Yes it might cause a backlash from BM, but at the same time better DH knows now rather than later if little Timmy ever needs life saving efforts and oopsie daddy isn't really bio daddy so he can't help.
Both my parents are my
Both my parents are my biolgical parents but if something happens to me neither can help me. My mother is A+ my dad is B-. I am B+. Being the offspring isn't always enough.
B- can donate an organ to B+.
B- can donate an organ to B+. A+ might be able to as well, under certain circumstances. Your dad can give you blood, too (but you can't give it to him). So they can help you!
Maybe the boy doesn't have
Maybe the boy doesn't have much to do with his father because he seldom sees him and therefore doesn't have a strong, comfortable bond with him?
I'm going to use a phrase that usually bothers me, because it's appropriate here: you knew what you were getting into. You knew this dysfunctional situation, with your H's parents raising his son for him, existed before you married him. Now you'd like nothing better than to completely alienate your H from his son. You want the man, you want to erase the pieces of his baggage that bother you, and you want control.. While I agree that it's wrong for your H to pay cs to his ex rather than his parents, questioning paternity and egging your H to get a DNA test is a bridge too far.
You're swerving out of your lane OP, and contemplating doing some things that will only serve to hurt other people. Why are you obsessing so on this?
My partner has two children
My partner has two children with his ex. The first looks like him the second not so much. However to him both are his children. No other facts matter. He knows their mother cheated on him repeatedly. He knows that there are extra circumstances that make the seconds birth special but when you ask him about DNA he says it doesn’t matter.
And that is the end of it for me. He claims both of these children. He has raised them as his own for their whole lives. Nothing will change the way he feels about them.
On top of that he is the legal father. He was married to their mother at the time of their birth which makes him the legal father. He accepted legal rights when they were born which strengthen that status. If something were to happen tomorrow and there was some other man in the picture SO could easily fight to maintain his rights to his children since he has acted in good faith as their father for so long.
On top of that if he were to find out tomorrow he wasn’t their biological father a court may say “too bad too sad” and still declare him legally responsible. Even if he found the legal father there is a good chance the court wouldn’t force the man to take over the responsibilities.
In the end DNA doesn’t matter that much. It’s bonds that do. I am not related to these kids but I love them like my own and I will fight for them like my own. It’s not that different for him if he should find out they aren’t his.
One other thing. Boys don't always take after their fathers because of the way DNA and traits are expressed. Think about it. With boys a man gives the y chromosome which is tiny compared to an x. In many cases traits aren't simple when it comes to expression.
I think you may be projecting
and I totally get it. Hard not to in Stephell. I think the money scenario and it not going to the ILs even though they have the skid is making you very angry and perhaps wanting to lash out? I get it, believe me. I would throw a party if the skids weren't DHs, in fact I have daydreamed about how awesome that would be.
Rumours and hearsay that BM can't keep her knickers up isn't concrete enough that SS isn't your DH's son. Him not looking like him is no indicator of parentage either. Not everyone is a dead ringer for their parents.
I would leave it alone unless you have more to go on.
My DH is a "father of 4".
My DH is a "father of 4". SD26 was 2yo when DH hooked up with BioHo. The bio father KNOWS that SD26 is his daughter, but he does not care and has never seen/met her. SS16 is not my DH's biological son. DH and BioHo were separated at the time. 'Ho got knocked up and she has NO idea who fathered SS16. DH and 'Ho eventually - unfortunately - reconciled (for the sake of the children) and DH raised SS16. While DH is neither SD26's or SS16's bio father, he IS their father. My DH loves SD26 and SS16 as much as he loves his two biological children.
At this point, your DH may only think that he loves his son, biological or not. If he doesn't want to have a DNA test done, DON'T PUSH HIM.
He should, however, take the legal steps needed for CS to go to his ILs.
In this case. No. Your DH
In this case. No. Your DH doesn't want it. Your Inlaws don't want it.
The person who wants it is you to basically throw in his Ex's face.
Unfortunately, while you might generically think your DH has dominant genes etc (based upon what... actual genetic testing of all of his traits? really?) it is quite possible this child is his.. even though he doesn't resemble him much.
I used to swear that my YSD didn't look like him.. at all. And.. now as she is older.. she does actually have a lot of his traits.. she just kind of grew into them. OSD looks a lot like him.. but personality nope.
If your DH was harboring doubts and was angling for a way to get out of CS. perhaps.. he could try that route.. but I think it is awfully hard to udno that.. even with actual results if the parties were married and he is on the BC.
I know it gripes you that your inlaws are caring for the child.. My DH paid his EX CS.. even during the years that the girls lived with their grandparent.. .we also gave them some extra to cover things too. Still cheaper than court really.
In my state, if they were
In my state, if they were married, DH is the legal father. No judge is going to undo that no matter what the DNA test says unless the bio father is there and asking to be put on the birth certificate and pay child support.
In my state, a bio father cannot go to court years later and say I think I am the bio father, I want a DNA test. If the mother was married at the time of the birth, he'd need the consent of both legal parents. If the mother were unmarried at the time of the birth, he could not force a test unless the mom was collecting or had collected welfare. Then the state would force the test.
In my case
they were not married.
And I wouldn’t expect DH to try to escape CS, he will always be paying it and will visit the boy. The ILs, even if they discover the boy is not theirs, will not stop loving him either, I do not think so. My whole idea is to have something against the BM, who really made DH’s life miserable, who doesn’t care for her boy and collects the funds from DH and the ILs, who help her a lot. This is the main reason I would love to have the DNA done, so maybe ILs would finally realize and accept DH’s money and stop helping this woman.
Even if a DNA test proved
Even if a DNA test proved that this child is not DH's bio-son, your ILs may still choose to help the mother of a child that they love and accept as their grandchild. The test may change nothing except to bring pain to some of those who love this boy and, perhaps, to the child himself. I'll ask you though, IF a DNA test proved that the child IS your DH's son, would you then welcome him into your home as a step-son and encourage a sibling relationship between him and your daughter?
What DNA could show
will not impact my relationship with the boy. As many have said it here, I have absolutely no link or rights to the boy. Well, I presume it come without obligations either.
Yes but warned..
I say YES! Get it done... in went through the same thing.
My SO's mother had doubt about his daughter not being his, it's a long story, but the just of it is that she is know for cheating and getting around... makes me feel sick actually to think of all the crap his ex did, but I won't get into that now. So from her past of cheating and their relationship ended because she had gotten herself a younger man boy boy to date, my SO's mom said justbdonthe test incase.
It was an at home test ordered online. Not one of those ancestry tests but an at home paternity test kit.
Test results came back saying the daughter is his... but we still need to do the eldest son aswell. Just havent had the money to do so.
The at home test is easy and costs less and you dont need permission or samples from the mom. Only the kid and father. Swab their cheeks and send it off.
Depending on the result and what you want to do with the information if it says child is not his. You will need to go to the lawyer and request a legal paternity test which is alot more costly and lengthy and BM will be involved.
It will change alot of things if the test does say the child is not his... it will be hard to still know your DH is paying maintenance for a child that is not his and knowing that the BM is taking advantage of this. You will probably get the feeling of wanting to remove the maintenance payments at some point...and it may build alot of resentment. Just a warning. He can still see the child but does not need to pay maintenance... but be warned if the test shows anything but paternity connections...
Just do research before buying an online test and ensure if you buy an ancestral one it can show paternity results accurately.
Good luck
This is actually really easy
It's the first thing I did when I decided to start my "out" from steplife.
The kit costs 25$ at a drug store, it includes cheek swabs.
You swab yourself 3 times, you swab the child 3 times, you separate the samples, you send it in, and a week later, you get results through e-mail.
There's a 70ish$ lab fee.
You don't have to tell anybody about it, you just kinda do it. I'm a 99.99998% match to my bio daughter. I got the funds to do it loaded onto a pre-pay card I told my wife I was using as a gift for my family, who knew I what I was doing.
How old is the boy? Is young enough to fool into thinking that you're doing some kind of teeth treatment with cotton swabs, or is that not your concern?
Note: The results of these tests ARE accurate, but not admissable in court. You'll find out for yourself first, then have cause to go to a DNA center with a chain of custody for the samples, which are admissable.
this post reminded me about
this post reminded me about my older sister, years ago. They were dating for a few years with no kids. He had been paying random support money for a child, "Cierra". with pressure from Cierras mother, who he had slept with before. He wanted to marry my sister so they could have kids, and she said "No way I'm marrying you until you get a paternity test done to prove whos child she is." So he went through the Child support system to do DNA testing, and it turned out that he was not the father! He didnt have to pay the Cierras mother money anymore and it turned out that Cierras mother was doing the same scam with two other men that she had slept with, she had 3 men giving her money, thinking they were the father of Cierra, and she was thretening them all to give her cash or she would report them to Child support division.
My sister ended up getting married to him, had two kids and a great life, and got to use their household income on their own kids!
Occasionally my sister and her DH would see "Cierra" who was now grown, and my sister would hear Cierra say "Hi Dad!".?! and her DH would just say "Hi."
OK,,,OP, you have a valid
OK,,,OP, you have a valid point and I wanted to address. Your right, you do have a right to know IF your helping to raise another mans child whom you do not even know.
. I never thought about it in those terms but thats correct. YOU should be allowed to make that decision.
Every kid should know who their bio parents are. Its unreasonable to not be truthful about paternity.
It is a hell of a thing to look at a child---then look at 'bio dad' then look at BM's new husband who has a very LONG history with bm even before bm and dh got together.... THEN notice the kid looks just like dude, dudes elderly father and dudes nieces... NOT the default bio dad who is paying support for the child.
Talk about your hair standing on the back of your neck.....
The kid should know the truth, what ever that truth is as early as possible.
JMO
And this too.
Ok, I do not really help to raise the kid, but the kid is still a cost for our household. The kid represents DH away for 2 weekends a month. I am not arguing, I accepted these terms before the wedding.
What i am arguing here is that everyone says “not your monkey”, “you have no legal rights” etc etc, but at the same time you are expected to be ok with the kid having an impact on your life.
again, I am not planning to do anything by myself, or I try to convince DH, or I leave it alone, I didn’t decide yet.
But ! If it is not my circus and I have no rights whatsoever, I should not even consider vacations with the boy, the boy visiting my house, his birthdays, sicknesses, graduations, weddings, eventual grandkids etc etc. Not my monkey, right ?
PS
And I had exactly the same feeling. In fact, one day I had seen the BM’s ex, that was still fighting to have her back while she already was with DH. It was some of experience! Even the kid’s teeth have the same ugly space in between, as this man’s.
Me, I said what I think to DH. He said well, the guy is an unemployed alcoholic, so he doesn’t want the kid to have him in his life. I was like WTF? This are his parents, his BM and eventually BD. These people had sex and the kid was born. If we start thinking that someone is not good enough to be a parent, when we all can move to a better household just because we prefer their lifestyle ? Come on...
Now in your case the BM is married to the dude, why don’t you tell DH what you think?
Absolutely do the DNA test.
Absolutely do the DNA test. Give the ILs and DH a copy of the results regardless of what they are. BM should not get away with saddling your DH and family with the results of her whoring around if that is in fact the case regarding the genetics of this kid.
It is not the kid's fault. But the kid needs the facts none the less. He needs to know who his BioDad is so he can know of any family history medical issues, etc...... And he needs to know the crap his BM has perpetrated against him, his father and his grandparents. As he grows up this will become increasingly critical in preparing him to manage and counter the toxic influence of his BM.