I’m so tired....ready to throw in the towel
*lol*I can’t do this constant push pull effect with DH anymore concerning my SD. I’m exhausted, I’ve done so much for him and SD and get no appreciation for any of it. I know I know, SMs are the most under appreciated women and I shouldn’t expect to get a Thank you. However, it would feel great to hear my DH or someone say I SEE YOU. He takes everything out on me that he should have been giving to BM. Every time I say something to DH about SDs behavior or I try and correct it, he acts like I have no business saying anything and that I’m the blame for the drama. One minute he wants me to help him and I do EVERYTHING, then he either goes back on what was discussed or he changes the plan. Apparently he only wants me as a silent partner and I should just go along with whatever even if I don’t agree. HA! If only I could get the same from him. I just had a baby a few months ago, went through a terrible bout of depression and anxiety and he’s treated me really cold since I’ve had my baby. He’s good with her but hasn’t been much of a husband. I guess because he works and I didn’t that excuses him. I don’t feel appreciated, I’m really not as happy as I’d like to be and I don’t feel wanted here. I did leave for a couple of days but that made little to no difference.
he wants to be a single dad so I’m at a point to where I’m going to let him because I cannot continue to be hurt and rejected.
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I don't see you say one single positive thing about your DH in your post, from what you say, he sounds an ineffectual parent and an obnoxious partner. He has had zero sympathy or support for your post natal depression, and he wants to blame you for SD/BM issues, which is totally inappropriate - they are down to HIM.
I see in your biog you mention you have family nearby - if I were you I'd be seriously considering jumping in my car with my baby and going to stay with them while you make a new life for yourself and him/her without this sad excuse for a man.
There was a lot of good, now
There was a lot of good, now that so much has happened, I can’t even think about anything good recently. I ended up having to leave with our baby to my moms for a couple of days because SD showed signs of marijuana use and drinking in our house. She was told before that it wasn’t allowed. I left because instead of it being about her behavior he said my reaction was too much because I told her if she can’t follow the rules she can’t live here. He then had a talk with her when I came back but honestly nothing with him has changed so I’ve decided to completely disengage. I took my name off school stuff and everything.
Please point out to him that
Please point out to him that you could have called the cops ... She's only 14, right?
SMs are only the most
SMs are only the most underappreciated women if they allow that. Of course you should expect a thank you from DH, just like you should expect a thank you if you bring him a cup of coffee or cook dinner for him. Who ever told you that stepmothers should just do what's "expected" of them and keep their mouths shut? In fact, who ever told you that you had to do ANYTHING for your SD? You don't. And if your DH doesn't appreciate it, you should stop immediately and let him handle all parenting.
^^^THIS^^^
.
Do you thank him
for working and paying the bills? Or are men just expected to do that?
This is the merry go round
conversation I have with DH. I manage all the bills and my part of the household. I do it because that’s my set of things to do. I do not expect thanks for it. I don’t get thanks for it. DH expects me to thank him for every single thing he does every single time he does it. I do thank him for out of the ordinary things he does. He expects it. He does not thank me for the same.
Talk to your DH about appreciation and that you need him to verbalize it.
I also understand your DH expecting you to speak nothing but rainbows and unicorns about your skid but handle almost everything for her. My DH had that. No amount of explaining changed that so I just had to stop doing things so he had to step up. He was very unhappy about it but my line was that he couldn’t have it both ways. Either I patented and was also able to then state frustration as any parent would or I didn’t parent.
I’ve taken my name off all
I’ve taken my name off all school forms and emails for contact. I’ve also told moms side of the family that they can only contact him. I’ll be there if SD says she needs me for something but that’s the only involvement I’m willing to have. He will have to make calls regarding her, pick up from school and confrences he’ll be attending by himself. If she needs anything he’ll have to do it regardless of work. Any behavioral issues he’ll be dealing with by himself. Custody issues I won’t be helping with.
What? How is that even
What? How is that even remotely the same?
Of course I do. I say thank
Of course I do. I say thank you when he buys us something to eat, I say thank you for providing, I always let him know that. Until I had my baby I was working and always made sure I helped with the bills and such. It was his idea that I stay home for the baby which I agree because she’s so tiny. I worked all the way up until a few weeks before I had her. I had to leave because the work place was toxic and detrimental to my mental health and the health of the baby. Now that I’m at home he says I’m using him and his attitude ha changed to everything is on him like I’m at home hanging out. I’m used to working and contributing, it’s been really tough.
PPD is serious. I would
PPD is serious. I would recommend talking to a counselor before you decide to leave. It could be that your husband is also struggling to find how he fits in everyone's life right now too.
He has to be dad to 2 kids now, with 2 different mothers. He has to keep BM at bay so that she isn't making your life harder, he has to make SD feel like she isn't being replaced, he has to help take care of new baby, he has to have a job and financially support 2 homes and he has to be a husband.
Maybe he just needs adjustment time too? Have you guy guys been able to connect? Go on a few dates? Have an active sex life?
You didn't mention that your husband was abusive or cheating or hiding money or any of the other things that usually send red flags flying. If he doesn't want you to parent SD, then don't. Disengage from parenting. Become the "fun aunt" figure in her life. Do the fun girly things, hair and make up and chick flicks. Be silly and fun. If she needs parenting, high 5 your husband and say "tag- you're it!" and remove yourself from that part of her life. She should still have to be respectful and courteous just like she would have to be to an "aunt" or teacher or other adult in the world but as for the parenting, just worry about your own child.
If you read my bio you’d know
If you read my bio you’d know that SD lives with us so he only has our household to care for. SD has SIX siblings from mom so she’s accustomed to being a big sister. I’m not saying he doesn’t have it hard, but telling the only person that is helping him raise his child that she’s making things worse and not helping isn’t ok. HE needs to talk to someone but won’t. BM wasn’t really involved in day to day parenting only on weekends and breaks when SD was with her.
Ok, so he doesn't have to
Ok, so he doesn't have to financially provide for 2 homes if there is no CS since SD lives with you full time. The rest of what I said still stands. Even if SD has siblings from BM, she hasn't had one with you. You guys seem like you are the stable ones in her life, maybe she is feeling upside down.
Are you guys taking time for your marriage and making that a priority right now? Having a baby is a lot of strain, and if you have gone from working to SAHM- that is another transition for both of you.
I am not saying that his behavior is ok, but sometimes stepping back and seeing things from his point of view might help guide you in a way that can save your marriage. He needs to do the same. He needs to see that you are having to deal with going from working to staying at home and that is a hard transition for you. He needs to understand that your body created a human and you are still dealing with that and the hormones that come along with it.
We can't control how other people react, we can only control ourselves. Putting expectations on how each other should be doing or acting is only going to lead to disappointment. You have to communicate your needs to each other, but during a time when tension isn't high. You need to both be in a calm and relationship "safe" place.
Personally, I am quick to emotion. DH is slow to reactions. He is a thinker and a stew over it before he wants to respond to anything. He is the calm to my crazy. When we are alone, and I am having whatever issue, I go to him and I put my hand on his heart and I tell him "I need you to hear this from me and I need your help"- that is his cue that I am close to tears and I really need him to take care of whatever issue I am having right now and make things easier for me. He is really good at this, but if I don't go through all of those motions, it doesn't always happen or happen when I need it to.
To me, it sounds like you need a cue to your husband that you are missing something and he needs to fix it, not blame you. Be your safe place and your protector they way a husband is supposed to be.
That is very sweet that you
That is very sweet that you have that sort of bond with your husband. I wish my husband was that understanding but unfortunately even if I told him or there was a que he’s just tell me I’m too sensitive or over reacting. He pretty much is irritated or angry only two emotions he can show
Disengage and do what feels
Disengage and do what feels best for you. Your health and mental well being come first and the BS he's telling you is uncalled for. He should be appreciative of all that you do for HIS daughter. If he can't do that, than to hell with him. I know easier said than done but he has a chip on his shoulder and needs to manage a way to deal with it like seeking some therapy on how to parent effectively. Blaming you for all his shortcomings is not for you to bare.
Wishing you and your baby the best.