Who's decision was it to buy the home that was so far from his parental obligations?

He knew he had 50/50.  He knew that his child would likely be involved in extracurricular activities.. yet he decided that it was ok to move so far away? 

Honestly, I don't think it's fair for him to curtail his child's extra curricular activities because he wanted to live somewhere else.  Maybe he should revisit custody so that he is less obligated to do the travel?  Of course that will likely mean more CS.. but he has to decide which is most important. 

But... it seems that HE doesn't mind the extra drive.. it's that you realize it's making your life more complicated. 

Why not suggest moving back to his daughter's area.. closer so that the logistics aren't so difficult?

This is her childhood, and she should not have her activities limited because you do not like it.  They should not have to consult with you because it if her activities and they are her parents.  His parental responsibilities do come first.  That said, I was the step mom who drove her to practice and to and from all activities and went to games and played team mom and all that went with it.  8 years later she decided she hates me and I get ZERO credit for being a loving and caring step parent all those years.  Now she has put me through hell and my marriage is on the rocks.  Beware - if you do not have kids together you  may want to consider getting out now. I have three kids with my husband so for me its going to be hard to leave.  I cant regret my choice to stay because I love my kids, but I do day dream about having found a man who did not have a child already and avoiding this HELL I have gone through and am still going through!!!!!  Maybe you should get out now.  If you feel this way about it now, it will only get worse as she grows older.  My husband STILL sees his daughter as "his little princess" even after everything she has done. It KILLS me. 

Not certan why you guys moved.  Are you in a better school district and he was hoping he would get custody? 

Activities may ramp up in HS, but in my experience, the schools provide more buses at that level, but that would not help if you do not live in district.

and not that you could have known how full the schedule would get, but kids get into a lot of activities. She could be in hockey right next to your house during the week but you spend Friday night through Sunday afternoon traveling to away games.

It sucks. However, you have an out---you are not the parent. You do not have to do the transportation. You will get time alone, and I know you want time with your SO, but at this point take the win that your SO and BM seem to be parenting together and coordinating things.

All that being said: It was very insensitive for your DH to say his parental responsibilities come first and not acknowledge your feelings, or even say he'd miss you, too, and try to find a way to be together (like go together to drop her off and have a nice dinner somewhere before driving home).

My SD’s activities take up a lot of time too but our situation is a little different. 

BM signs SD up for stuff and then asks DH to fork out fees, which he rarely does. DH’s schedule is also a little more demanding this fall and he’s let SD know that he can’t make it to everything. 

SD’s school is a 20 minute drive from our house without a ton of traffic but we’re usually going to her activities from work, which is on the opposite side of town and maybe 40 minutes away. DH tries to make what he can and thankfully doesn’t require that I be there too. He’d asked sometimes if I’d go if he couldn’t, but I decline and he gets it. 

It does suck not getting to spend time together. We both had pretty busy schedules before. I’m not sure what to tell you. Sorry. 

I feel you.  I am with you here.  And it sucks. 

I may be in the minority, and that is perfectly fine with me, but I think kids' extracurriculars have gotten ridiculous.  I am not talking about all sports obviously, but some.  Some have become year long commitments, multiple nights until late hours, with fees that cost more than car payments, etc. etc.  It's also become a notion that kids HAVE to be involved in something- no, they don't.  That's not saying to deny a child the right to try something if they want, but when it comes down to social nights and Facebook photo ops for the parents more than anything, that is also a problem. 

My two step children both became engrossed in gymnastics for several years.  Their practices were Monday through Friday (literally), some nights 6-9 PM, others 5:30-8 PM, and when it was competition season, they were gone basically every Saturday or Sunday for 6-8 hours.  Monthly fees were a few hundred dollars for both, with uniforms costing a couple hundred each year, too. 

All this happened with me having two babies (less than a year apart) and spending most of my time alone with them, while my partner was with the two step kids at gymnastics ALL THE TIME.  Oh yeah, the gym was 45 minutes away from the house, too.

That was hell, and has played a part in damaging our relationship.

Are they still in it?  Nope, both moved on to new-fangled things based on what their friends are into, so Dad is still gone all the time but this time for football, volleyball, dance, and baseball (based on the season).  Their mother signs them up for all of this without consenting Dad, who then doesn't tell me about anything until the first night of the new practices. But anyway...

I understand what you're saying, about wanting to at least be involved in it to a degree, because YOUR life is affected too!  Even if your partner would mention it to you and ask how you feel about it, at least you are being included.  That's not saying you are or are not going to object the sport, but at least have an input.  And, even if you do object to the sport (which I objected to the gymnastics schedule, but I didn't say the kids had to quit, I just wanted it conveyed that it was damaging our family by priorities being skewed), at least your feelings are known- and sometimes that's all that matters. 

Ultimately, you are going to have to deal with some of this as the kids get older- no, you didn't "sign up" for it, because no one knows what the future is going to be.  However, everyones' needs are going to have to be met to some capacity.

I don't think the child should quit anything as of right now to accommodate you and your partner having alone time.  But, I also don't think the daughter should be able to do 1000 things, either.  It's basically being stuck between a rock and a hard place and one of those parts of step parenting that really tell us, we are NOT really the parent, and we really DON'T have a say in anything, because the bio parent is going to trump us if they don't like what we say. 

It's raw and annoying and hard to hear, because it's true. 

So, I would suggest trying to do things that make YOU happy during this time.  Can you join the gym, a club, or an extra curricular activity yourself to keep yourself busy and engaged?  Another previous poster suggested getting dinner beforehand, I would also suggest that sometimes to have something to look forward to on those nights.  Or, also just attend the practices/games once in a while- you don't have to attend all if you don't want to, but mix it up a little.  Make it so you aren't the one sitting at home waiting around on your partner while he's off - believe me, it will start to eat at you and you'll become resentful if you start dreading the days/nights he's gone for practice or games; so either attend with him, or find something to do. 

Sorry that I don't have better advice than that, but you'll never "win" with the sports/kids situation.  It's not fair to the kid, and it's not fair to you, and it's not really fair to the parent that probably wants to do both (be with their partner and with their child).  Good luck!

 I had a boyfriend who I turned into an ex-boyfriend when he admitted (after months of promising otherwise) that he wouldn’t make our relationship the priority. It was also right around the time his son was starting travel soccer. Absolutely not for me! 

It’s a major compromise to be with someone who has a kid. I would never do it again and I’m sort of disappointed in myself for doing it at all. Dating and courtships should be fun; kids hinder that. Think about whether you really want to do it.

Well, this is where stepparent life gets tough.  In this case, I can't prioritize you wanting to hang out with him over his daughter's school activities.  I wholeheartedly agree that kids are too overscheduled now, but the reason for not overscheduling her would be for HER well-being, not so you two can spend more time together.

I'm also not sure who thought it was a great idea to move so far away from her school and create this crazy commute.

Honestly, I don't think being a stepparent is for you. Seems like you want a guy you can have all to yourself, and some compromises have to be made when there is a kid involved. I don't personally see the big deal about him being gone all day two days a week and going to a game on Saturday. When SS was young, I'd go to the games with DH.

Your relationship coming first doesn't mean you get to put the kibosh on his kid's activities so you can have more time with him.

While I agree that this is a lifestyle change, I think you should stop being reactive, take a step back, and let natural consequences kick in. Play the long game.

The days are getting shorter and colder, so imagine you being able to go out with friends after work, shopping, taking a class, or enjoying a glass of wine at home while your H is either freezing his butt off at some soccer pitch or living his life through the windshield of his car. His kid, his responsibility, right?

Stop being so dependent on him for your happiness, and don't argue about this again, because it only pushes him towards the thing he defends regardless of how tiresome it's going to be. Stop being so available. Fill up your life with enjoyable activities and people. Let him get good and worn out with the childcentric extracurricular game, cold leftovers, lack of sleep, mountain of undone chores, etc. As for you, either don't be home waiting for him or make sure he comes home to a woman who's relaxed, self assured, and doesn't need him.

Marriage ebbs and flows, and it's important to always be your own best friend. Show your H what he could be doing if he wasn't burning the candle at both ends overparenting, and let him suffer for it.

this a limited number of activities. She is doing one sport per season and one school activity. What do you want it limited to? 

The commute part falls squarely on you and your partner as you chose to move out of the area of the school. 

It's not going to be long before your own bio five year old starts joining and doing various extras. Whether it be kiddie scouts or basketball ... and each year new opportunites and the boy's desire to participate with his peers. 

Will you be telling your own little one that he can't be in anything that takes your time from your BF? Telling him he can select one activity a year that last no longer than eight weeks and is never on weekends? 

The move you and BF just purchased together, does it happen to be in the school district your bio was going to be attending? Was any thought even giving to BF's daughter, her school? 

I agree, some kids are over scheduled, however this child does not appear to fall into that category. She is playing in band and in one sport. If you lived closer, this wouldn't pose as much of a problem. Your boyfriend sounds like a very involved father with a daughter and BM who both seem glad of his involvement. It sounds like it is his choice to attend every game/practice - he is not doing it because of his daughter or BM are demanding it.

I'm sorry you are feeling ignored, but in this case I don't think your SO or his daughter are doing anything wrong. It does seem wrong to tell a child she can't participate in an activity because her Dad's girlfriend doesn't like it. Maybe you need to reassess your relationship - can your boyfriend give you the attention and time that you need? There is nothing wrong with you needing it, he just may not be the one who can provide it.

He’s basically dismissed you. Pay attention. 

I agree with prior posters that this child is not overscheduled.  One music activity and one sport (and for many kids one sport per season) is pretty normal.  Some kids do scouts, dance, and social or volunteer activities on top of that - that's what I'd consider overscheduled.  It is not reasonable for you to ask your boyfriend to limit his daughter's activities if she's not overscheduled.  It would be reasonable for you to choose to leave the relationship because you need more of his time and attention, though.  Surely it is not a surprise to you that he'd be doing a lot more driving and spending a lot more time picking up and dropping off his daughter when the two of you chose to move.  That is compounding the problem.

When I was in sports, one of my parents came to almost every game, but they did not go to practices.  Very few parents stayed for practice.  Would it be possible for your boyfriend to find another way to get his daughter to practice on his days, either by making arrangements with another parent who is driving to practice or by hiring a local teen to drive her?  That way he wouldn't have to spend time sitting at the practice, and could just pick her up afterwards.  Alternatively, could the two of you drive to her town together on one of the practice days and make a quick date of it, having dinner or whatever while she's practicing, and then take her home?

As for games, is he willing to compromise at all?  For instance, go to the games that occur on his custodial weekend, but not the games that are on BM's weekend?  My father didn't make it to even half of my sporting events, although one of my parents almost always did, and guess what?  I didn't really care.  I cared that he showed an interest, but I didn't need him at every game.  If he's not willing to compromise at all, and you're not willing to spend the next 8 years or so until his daughter is an adult playing second fiddle to her activities, then you might want to consider whether this is the relationship for you.

I just don't understand why you bought a house together and one that is so far away from the school. Maybe u need to really think about selling it and getting a separate place. When I married my dh we stayed relatively close to schools and in same town. 

What she is involved in really isn't over the top. School band and 1 sport, those are pretty standard. I was expecting to read that she was in dance, 2 sports, etc. Most parents, if they are able, attend all the games. Not just their visitation week games. In a nuclear family parents would be at every game. 

I agree your commute sucks. One thing that you have power over is what you are willing to do. If you make yourself unavailable to deal with the commute and your BF is the one doing it, you can use that time for self-care. 

When you say "we" bought a house, are both names on the mortgage? Didn't anyone tell you that it is a terrible idea to buy a home with a man who you aren't married to? It may be time to move though. I don't know if you can sell the home you are in or if you can rent it out or if your name isn't on it, you can just move out and move on.

I will say that I don't think that this is a case of your BF being some Disney dad who won't listen to you, what is happening here is pretty standard other than you picked a bad spot to buy a home. 

but I am a mom to four kids and the time spent at extracurricular activities does get old. I am the actual parent and I don’t like wasting all my weekends and free time on kid activities. It takes away from our time as a family . We like to go Disney or the beach or the river or springs and tae Kwon do , cheer, and girl scouts was definitely taking up all my time and all my kids time . We collectively got sick of it. Sometimes we will do it for a semester and take a break but not year round with no breaks. 

So they park there kids in school activities to babysit them.  So just about every student in school are in some exter activity. It’s hard to tell your kid No to a school sport, drama, band program.  BM could be giving you a hard time also, making you drive all day. 

activities because maybe she could use that talent for a college scholarship but seriously have you heard of someone a superstar talent in soccer, hockey, volleyball and basketball along with band practice?? I’m yet to...

that said your partner is delusional to think that he’s gonna squeeze in wife time. Lay down the facts and times.... once he arrives home its late he has dinner and straight to bed, what “our time” is there?

is he gonna schedule a quickie before band practice or rush that superfast quickie at nighttime before bed because he’s tired??

a real man who values his wife wants to enjoy time with her even if he has kids... he won’t always want a quickie.. he wants to cuddle and have long intense sex once in a while. 

Any relationship/marriage where partner is tossed to the side ends in divorce. Its actually a leading cause of divorce and break ups when partner is neglected... 

the park behind my house, you have kids who don’t have parents at every game. They got their own shit to do.. so the 2.5 hrs hubby stands there watching her play soccer per day on his non-custody weeks, he could be ravishing your body intensely..... 

plenty of bio mums here neglect their kids and toss them to the side but god forbid daddy is busy to not attend everyday band camp practice or sports practice every afternoon and weekend- how dare daddy!!

me and hubby plan getaways or what we call “sex-vacation”, its a romantic getaway at a hotel where we have loads of sex to destress. If adult ss or sd’s invent some emergency or tell daddy to be a chauffeur for them, its a “sorry but i’m not even home, i am away till x day”

Why because its expensive? do you work and get a pay check?

I think you’re in a tough spot. Neither of you is wrong in what you want. You’re fine for wanting to protect your time but he’s not wrong for wanting the child to engage in extracurricular activities.

My bigger worry is if the child can really keep all this up. If she’s doing an hour and a half before school + the drive what time is she getting up in the morning during your weeks?  That would be my focus on limiting activities.

Our kiddos were doing scouts and soccer. It worked out while they are younger but as they get older and have more expectations placed on them because of school they will have to decide which to do. That’s just reality. It’s very had to do more than one or two things at a time because of the time requirements.

As for having to give up weekends? Like I said you’re both right but he’ll do what he wants to do and I don’t think he’s wrong for it. The child has every right to her father being present at her games if he wants to be and shouldn’t lose that because he got remarried. You have to consider what’s “normal” when you look at who comes first. It’s “normal” for kids to do weekend sports and parents to attend. It’s normal for children to come first in this way.

ESMOND I believe you may have made a little mistake.

1. They are not married

And 2. you mentioned HOME BASE is moms...

 Children have two homes,,,moms and dads. One is not better OR less than the other.  Except when  Proven in court ie moms home unfit, dads home unfit. 

It is imperative for courts recognize that kids do best with two separate homes,,,, and two separate family dynamics are acknowledged. This dad, it is reported, has 50 50 custody. By todays standards that means 50 50 physical shared custody.

Dad is well with in his rights to "remind mom that HIS town is sd's town too". He can sign her up locally activities to dads area. He doesnt have to 'cart' sd anywhere.

Your " home base" theory is, well, typical language from a CP lawyer...and outdated.

JMO ok? No harm intended ESMOND

I would move on from this relationship. He's shown you you don't matter. 

Once again - I'm against the grain....

Your SD only has 2 activities and you only have her EOW.  I had 2 SS's that were one both football and two baseball teams, one being travel.  My DH would go to every single one unless it was an emergency.  Their DBDB only goes to the ones that require a MOTY photo op such as homecoming, etc.

I went to 90% of these activities. Sometimes when the schedules conflicted, taking the older SS to his by myself.

The reason I went is because as much as my DH worked and took care of his children that he had every weekend and one night a week, it left us with 20 minutes in the morning and an hour at home a night.  

Instead of missing out on the budding relationship, I sat in the bleachers, stood in field and ate more then my share of concession food just to spend time with him.  In those hours we learned so much about each other.  We were able to talk uninterrupted, watch sports and get to know each other without spending money in a bar or restaurant.

Don't mistaken that there were times like our birthdays that fell on a game day that I didn't want to go, but I did and the teams would sing happy birthday to us and bring cupcakes.

I did that for 10 years and now go out of state to watch SS21 who is a senior in college play football and SS17 is just starting his senior year of baseball.  

To me it was worth it.  It showed DH that I was committed to US - not his kids - just US.  He tells me all the time how much more he appreciated that I did go and not just stay home and resent him for going.  

Maybe, just try it for a month - get out in the fresh air, bring a cooler with your favorite snacks and just enjoy sitting next to each other. 

I'm with the others - why did you move so far away from school?

I don't think 1 sport per season is unreasonable. It's good for kids to be involved in sports/activities and stay busy. I don't like to overschedule either, but I think a few days a week is ok at that age. My daughter is 4 and I currently have a 1 night per week limit but she has lately been wanting to do more so we will revisit it soon.

I personally would never ask anyone's permission before signing my child up for an activity but that is just me.

I get that it's annoying for him to be constantly running his kid around rather than spending time with you, but it is his responsibility and he chose to move away and create the issue with the commute.

While none of my skids were involved in sports, they participated in other clubs/activities. My DH has never missed a single one. His reasoning? The skids are only kids for a few, short years and he wants (wanted) to spend as much time with them as possible. Especially since he is the NCP. Once they leave HS, they will have their own lives to live and he won't see them nearly as often. SS16 has a more active schedule than his siblings, so EOWe has become whenever he has time. He hasn't spent the night (much less the weekend) in several months.

In no way does it sound like SD is doing too much. Rather, THE issue seems to be the commute for her activities. 

Why would you buy a house with a boyfriend???

living so far away.  

Limiting your SD's activities is not the issue. You also do not have the right to limit her activities however her is where it gets tricky. You should not be expected to attend all of them. It is the responsibility of her bio parents to do so, NOT you. The issue is you should not be expected to be taxi-ing her back and forth and nor attend her activities however you have been doing it willingly. I suggest backing away and explaining to your SO that you can no longer be expected to drive SD back and forth her activities nor attend all of them and that you have been doing so for awhile and you need so time to get things done for yourself. After all you are NOT her bio parent. He will have to figure it out with bio mom because SD's activities are technically not your responsibility. They are her bio parents responsibility solely, not yours. DO not forget this. I would attend Stepkids activities when I could but was not expected to do so. I would usually attend if I was not working. I was more than welcome to attend and was always invited to them but was not expected to be person solely responsible for them being there. That should be the bio parents responsibility (in my opinion.) I also might add my DH limited his kids to one activity at a time. Doing this was best for everyone, including his kids as they weren't getting worn out and were able to concentrate on school first and foremost. We also found when they had more than one activity going at a time they lost interest in one and usually stopped going to one of them anyways.

I can understand your concerns and your H is not even attempting to take anything you say or feel into consideration. He's not worried about spending any time with you because he's so consumed with the commute and all of his daughters activities. This would be my issue is that he's not being considerate and trying to compromise in some way shape or form.

If I had known all this prior to purchasing a house with him I would personally not have committed to it. He obviously has a lot on his plate and I'm also not sure how you can sustain this for another 8 years. He's not balancing this well and basically sweeping it under the rug like whatever and just deal with it. Not good at all for your relationship for him to dismiss you like that.

Will you limit your child's activities when he is older?

You should ask yourself that question first. If your son was in 5th grade and had the same schedule.....what would you do? I do not think that it's alwasy reasonable for both parents to 100 percent of the time be in attendance....when parents divorce and move on...it's not always possible. Hell, when I was married to my kids dad....it wasn't possible for the both of us to be there all the time....

I am not debating you that it doesn't suck....it does suck. Trust me...when my DH has SD12 (b/c she refuses to sleep over)  he spends almost 2 HOURS driving her back and forth to her moms on weeknights..and he doesn't even get home until after 5:30...it's almost pointless........

It's a tough spot to be in, and not one I could handle.....but the answer is LEAVING your boyfriend if you aren't happy....NOT making his daughter pay the price.

It seems like a lot of this conflict is about differing expectations. If you want your relationship to work, which I assume you do, since you bought a house together, you need to work to come to an agreement on what you both need from the relationship. 

For example, you need more time for just the two of you to grow your relationship together, whereas, he needs more time to go to events for his daughter. How can you reach a compromise and both get some of what you want. 

For me, I made it clear to my DH before we were engaged that I needed us to have part of our lives that was about "us" without his children being part of that. I let him know that we would also be a part of family that included his children, but that we also needed a family unit that was just us. I read something recently about how families exist as subsets and this is especially important in second marriages. It's okay for your SO to have part of his life that does not involve his child, but he needs to be okay with that. If he's not and he wants all aspects of his life to revolve around his daughter, then you will always have conflict. 

Another issue that I'm reading a bit in your post is that you are also being expected to manage some of the pick up / drop off, etc. My advice to you is that you require that your SO is responsible for all of that. He doesn't assume that you will be able to manage if he has a conflict. If he needs help, he asks you to help him, just like he would ask someone else. If you can't help or if you don't want to help, you are free to say no without consequence. If you do help, then he expresses true appreciation, he doesn't take you for granted. He has decided that this will be his life, he can't decide on your behalf without consulting with you. 

If you agree to have time with one another, then identify ways you will do that. If your SO agrees to these things, then it's up to him to find time to do that. It's up to him to make the time to meet the commitments he has made to you. Then focus on that, rather than the time he is spending with his daughter. Also, he may need to skip a game or two to honor his commitments to you. 

My view is that if you feel as if your needs are being met in the relationship, you will feel less resentful of the time he is spending on activities for his daughter. If you don't feel as if your needs are met or if you and your SO have different expectations, then there will always be tension in your relationship. 

I say all these things as if they are easy...they aren't. They require constant work and revisiting. They will feel really uncomfortable. But if you can work through these issues your relationship will be stronger. 

"he became angry/defensive/aggressive and started shaming me....... I explained how much I cherish the time we had together and when we were able to get out and do things alone as a couple.... and he basically said “Too bad.” That his “parental responsibilities come first,”" 

He just did you a favor and clearly stated that he does not value you or your marriage. Time to play the good riddance card with he and his baggage.

The marriage and partners in that marriage come first before all else. They are the only top priority. Period.  Kids are the top marital responsibility but never the priority over the marriage. Ever.

This failed man and parent puts his XW

and their spawn before his wife and marriage.  This is more than I care to know about him.

Take care of you.  Quit transporting his spawn to the overloaded sports schedule activities, the next time he is schlepping his spawn around to the ridiculous over scheduled sports activities call the locksmith to re-key the locks and have him served at a sports event with separation papers with the clear message that either he extricates his head from his ass and puts you and your marriage first or he and his spawn are gone.

Good luck.