Some positive results
I don't post much but I do read when I get the chance and I have learned a lot about how to act as a SD and having an adult relationship with my SM. I have been wanting to write this blog for a while but haven't felt comfortable until now.
I am the SD in this scenerio. My father re-married after my mom's death. They have been married now for 1 year and together about 4 years I believe. In the beginning it was tough on all sides. I think we were trying to figure out our relationships, how we wanted to proceed and where we all stood in each others lives. It wasn't easy to say the least. She isn't really a SM to me but my father's wife and that is ok on both of our sides.
My own relationship with my father was a complete disaster and I will admit my SM took some of the brunt of that as she only heard his side and believed everything he said. It cause some discomfort and hurt feelings all around.
Over the few past years and just recently I started to look at myself and see what a good influence she is on him. He is more engaged and honest. We will never have the relationship a child dreams of a father as too much has happened in the past but both of us are moving forward. I credit a lot of that to my SM. My father is co-dependant on people especially her. She has pushed him when us chidlren could not; to spend time with us and in some other situations. She has stepped back and allowed our adult relationship to grow at its own pace with our father. She in no way interferes in the relationship. I speak to him about once a week and its only between the two of us. I will occassionally ask how SM is doing but mostly the conversations resolves around each others' lives.
I can't speak for my siblings but I respect her for that. I like to say we are both mutually disengaged from each other. And to me disenagement is not a bad term. We are not close more like acquaintances and distant from each other. But we respect each other and both the spouses relationship and the father/daughter relationship. It took a long time to get to this place but both of us are content with our relationship.
Recently, I have been going through some stuff both emotionally and physically and I have opened up to my father about my life. He has been very understanding. For the first time in my adult life he said why don't I come and visit you alone and we spend some one-on-one time together. I was overjoyed to hear him make a suggestion. Of course he said he needed to discuss it first with SM regarding when would be a good time to visit and I said I understand she is his wife. I like her but sometimes its nice to just have him around as well. (even at my age feeling like I have my father all to myself for a small amount of time is nice) He spoke to SM and she said go for it. That she will visit her kids and grandkids while he visits me (they are about an hour from where I live). I think we will make plans to meet in the city for a show or dinner one night but mostly it will be just my dad and me and right now I really need that.
Furthermore, my dad suggested I speak to my SM about my issues I am having. Thinking she is a therapist and that is why he suggested it I kindly declined and said I don't think its good to mix family and therapy together. Well she called me afterwards and explained why he made the suggestion. She has in the past suffered from what I am dealing with and can relate. He never divulged that information to me and I respect him for doing that (in the past he would have told the world her issues) We had a good talk I expressed some of my feelings and was honest and thanked her for being a great support to my dad. I said I do see a difference in him in a good way and I know it was because of you. I said I cannot speak for my siblings as we all have had tough relationships with my father but I am willing to try. I did tell her I think that he needs to stop saying he is going to do something and actions now speak louder due to our past. Maybe she can help him with that as he still struggles with a relationship with my brother and they only live 30 minutes a part.
We will never be very close as I am private and so is she but there is no more animosity between either of us and only respect. We are all adults and won't always agree with how the other behaves or reacts but we can all have mutual respect for each other and when we say or do something we think is uncalled for politely let the person know.
My family is not big on gifts or holiday cards so no one gets upset when we do not receive one. I've seen posts in the pasts about not acknowledging holidays and special occasions. The only time I really have ever texted with her is to wish her and my dad a happy anniversary or when my dad had some minor surgeries and thanked her for keep us informed of the procedure. For my family that works. I know for other families acknowledgments, texts, cards on special occasions on bdays they want. For me that is not important and it doesn't seem like it is to her either.
The point of this post is to share some good outcomes from adult SM/SD situations. Its not easy and its definately is not always perfect but if you can find harmony in each other's relationships that is all that matters. If you can find what is comfortable with you and accept the other person for who they are. You may not always like them but treat them how you would like to be treated. I no longer feel any anger or disappointment for her. When my dad does something I do not like I call him out on it and don't blame the SM. I actually say what does SM think of the situation. Usually she will agree fully or partially with me.
Finally, I will admit for all of this to happen all parties need to at least be reasonable and if not it won't work. I needed to acknowledge my own faults but also be honest when I felt she overstepped as well. It was done in a respectful manner but we all got through it and are better for it as well.
That you recognize your
That you recognize your participation in the situation along with your dad's and SM's issues as well as their marriage as am obvious priority is a good thing.
Thanks for sharing from the SKid perspective.
I think this disenganging
I think this disenganging thing makes things so much easier, it takes the pressure and unrealistic expectations away. If Step parent acknowledges the step child as her husband's child and the step child acknowledges the step mom as his/her father's wife then things would be easiar because this expectation of step child and step parent to have a mother child relationship is what causes so many expectations and too much pressure, guilt, frustration and resentment. Be realistic and let the step child and step parent have a relationship, obligations or regards that they are comfortable with. No need to expect a lovey dovey relationship between two strangers who were forced to come together, as long as there is politeness, respect and civility between then that is enough.
I'm Glad You Owned Your Behavior, Most of Us Do Not Have SD's
who would EVER admit they had a role in this mess.
SD knows I have been good for her father. Everyone who knows us tells us, "He looks better than he's ever looked, he dresses better, drinks less, and takes better care of himself. He smiles more." Many have told me SD is jealous of me (highly educated, very domestic, great cook, spotless house, etc. everything SD doesn't do, I do) and I don't understand that. If my father had found a love that took care of his every need, and treated him like royalty I would be ecstatic. She has been very spitful, ugly and hurtful, through no fault of my own. DH even says I have rolled out the red carpet for her, to no avail.
I'm glad you get it. Your father and his wife deserve that. He's paid his debt to society by raising you, now it's his time to enjoy what life he has left.
He's paid his debt to society
Didn't know parenting was a prison sentence LOL
Only In "Step World"
It's a prison sentence, and then some...
It sounds like you are both polite and civil.
Which is a good thing as it works for you.
However, I don't know that I would call what you have with your SM a "relationship" since you rearely communicate and keep each other at a respectful arms' distance. In fact, you admit you rarely even ask your dad how SM is doing and only text her once year at anniversary time.
How do you know that SM hasn't had her own medical or other challenges in her life? Maybe your father would like to know you have at least a cursory interest in his life partner, and care how she is doing? Do you think he notices that you never ask about SM, or how she is doing?
I know I do, and my SO does. My SD is ALWAYS cooly polite but has not shown a bit of interest in me as a human being. My SO has indeed noticed that SD has never tried to make any kind of friendly connection and has shown no interest in getting to know me. Now she is an adult, that is her prerogative.
But it certainly doesn't make it easier for my SO and I who are on the receiving end. My SO does not treat her husband in just a polite and civil way - he has made an effort to get to know SD's husband and they have had more candid and friendly conversations in the last year than I've had with SD in 15! SD is very glad that her father is making an effort to get to know her husband and is like a giggly teen when she sees them joking around or talking together. In the meantime, she is still polite and civil to me but does not engage in any conversation.
This does not escape my SO. And it hasn't escaped me either. But there is nothing I can do about it so I've disengaged. When necessary, I am cooly polite and respectful of her place as my SO's daughter. But that does not constitute having a "relationship" with SD.
You've assumed this "relationship" is OK with both you and SM- but is that true? Or is she a SM who has finally resolved herself to the truth that she will never have a relationship or be accepted by her husband's children? So she has essentially disengaged?
I'm sincerely not saying any of this to challenge your perspective and if it works for all of you, then that's a good thing.
But I would argue that the absense of any real connection is not necessarily a success. What most of us SMs want is to at least feel some sort of acceptance and a bit of warm humanity from time to time.
A recognition that we are indeed human, too, and have feelings and emotions.
Exactly! It's Known As RESPECT, But To Give It You Have To First
have self-respect. To be honest, SD is not a person I would've chosen as a friend,(she's extremely materialistic and narcissistic, neither of which suits me) if she were not DH's child, and the mere fact he procreated and she exists doesn't make it necessary for us to have any type relationship, however, that does not negate the fact that as a self-respecting adult that she should be courteous. Respect isn't "I like you as a person." Respect is "I can be a decent human being, and have due regard for you as a human being."
This is where the train often jumps the tracks.
I whole heartedly agree.....
When I first began reading this post, It was like reading my marriage life. The similarities from the beginning are Dejavuish and some of the exact same words and descriptions I have read in rants from an adult stepdaughter who has awful, just terrible selfish, sick, mean behavior..
I can say with certainty that not including a spouse of a family member in just simple living situations such as a dinner once in a while is nothing to be proud of or reason to honk ones horn. There is nothing wrong doing things with just your father sometimes but never to include her...no it is wrong. You are assuming much and I personally have been in your stepmothers shoes and no, when adult children who have lost a parent all treat a new family member poorly and not inclusive I can say she doesn’t feel part of her husband’s family. To elaborate even further, I feel certain and confident in saying she wants nothing to do with it after reading your post and I understand why. If she is as decent of a person as you have stated more than once in your post you would, at least sometimes, include her. Occasionally going to dinner with both of them would indicate her inclusiveness.
I still do not understand how adults who have lost a parent are so freely able to discard the remaining parent by poor behavior and living in a past that is NEVER going to return because they continued to try to live a life after loss. Losing one parent should make people realize the value, importance, and gift of parents and do everything in their power to keep the remaining parent close, if they are decent, which also includes treating their spouse with respect and decency as one would treat any other decent family member.
Loss in life is continues until we die..we must learn acceptance of it in order to live healthy ourselves. To mistreat another who tries to continue living after a loss crazy. Those of us married, in relationships of any kind need to think about what we would do and how we would feel after a loss...should that make survivors stop living...would you stop living after that loss. Your stepmother was never, and appears still is not given a fair chance. Much life learning and growing up to do.
I agree with 2Tired and would also argue this is not necessarily a success.
I never once said she is not
I never once said she is not invited to family events. She is ALWAYS included and has been at every family function we have in my family since she started dating my father. This will be the first time in over 5 years spending on on one time with my father. She will also be included in some events but he asked to spend time with me as just the two of us. I didn't even suggest this. It was his idea and she agreed when he mentioned it to her.
My relationship with my father is not great so this time together can help heal some old wounds. I don't see anything wrong with that. People spend time apart all the time. It will only be for 2-3 days max.
She goes and spends time with her family without my father why is this any different?
I think you totally misinterpreted my post. We both get along in our own way.
I have been a
Loving, respectful stepchild for 25 years, a parent myself, and am a steparent after marrying a widow....I stand by, believe, and have lived by my post.
Now that...
DOES deserve a horn honk, SteppedOff! Here's to you - beep beep!! *yes3*
:)
Thank you 2Tired. Cheers!
Have you asked sm for advice to get closer to her?
Your sm sounds like a good influence in your dads life. Have you thought about asking her for advice on your life situations? She would provide an objective view that could be helpful to you. I respect my step dad a lot. He has always provided life wisdom and guidance to me. My mom is my best friend and I love it that she has me on speaker when we talk so my step dad can hear and comment to give me his thoughts too. Having that objective view has helped me through a lot of life’s various issues no matter how large or small.
Wow many different view
Wow many different view points and honestly some I did see coming.
I have spoken to my SM and shared my thoughts and she has shared hers. We both are ok in how our relationship is. There is no animosity on her side or mine.
Respect and communication can be different in many ways. I personally would not choose her as a friend and I feel she would say the same about me. That is fine we are very different people. Our relationship works. I was trying to share a different view point that sometimes SD/SM can work if you can come to a mutual understanding of each other. She made mistakes and so did I in the beginning. (This was a first for the both of us and we didn't know how to navigate the situation) Neither of us are perfect but we got past them and we are stronger for it.
All I care about is she makes my father happy. I don't talk or even think negatively about her to my father or to her in person. We have polite conversation and she has learned through our discussions when we see each other another side of my father that she didn't know and has said to me she appreciates it because it helps her understand him better.
There is so much negativity sometimes on this site I thought writing something positive where both the SM and SD are content in their relationship could give insight to others or be helpful in some way.
I learn from others and reading posts before actually helped in our relationship.
I actually am sorry I posted for those that think I am a heartless person to my SM when I am far from it.
Not sure what you were expecting from us.
As a reminder, this is a site for stepparents. Yet by going back and looking at your posts, it is obvious that every one of them has to do with issues YOU are having with your SM in some form or fashion. That's why you saw some of it coming, because you knew your declaration of "success" might prove to be controversial. You say there is so much negativity on this site - well, that's correct. It's because it is stepparents who are having issues regarding stepkids - which is the position you are viewing it from and that's why you think it's negative.
Are you a stepparent? If not, there are sites which deal with the stepchild perspective and you might have a better community there to communicate with. The best scenario is for you to find a site/forum where you can find people living through the same issues with their stepparents, who you can vent with. You won't get it here solely as a SD looking to support your position towards your SM.
If you genuinely came here to get a SM perspective then don't be defensive when you get it. I think people have given you valid input and if you were honestly interested in learning from that perspective, you would acknowledge the value of that input - and not get your hackles up (again) because we don't agree nor provide you with laudatory responses.
Otherwise, you are merely here to get validation for how troublesome your SM is and how "successfully" you've dealt with it. Well, with all due respect, some of us don't agree.
Thank you for posting. At
Thank you for posting. At times, stephell can be so disheartening and it's nice to see a positive outcome.
I have been through ups and downs with the SDs. SD26 and I had a good relationship until BioHo and SD23 did their toxic caca dance, which ended up with SD26 and me having a BAD relationship.
Well, stuff happened and SD26 and I were talking again. Actually TALKING and not strained civility. We both apologized for things that had happened and have moved forward and our relationship is at a whole new and lovely level.
Wishing you the best, hon. {{hugs}}
Hugs back. Its not always
Hugs back. Its not always easy but glad you are working on a positive relationship with SD
Thank You for Posting!
It is nice to see another perspective.
I describe my relationship
I describe my relationship with my SD as “cordial” as well. It works, there is no active animosity or wars.
But it sure would be nice for SD to ask me about my work or my hobbies or my family or what books I’ve read or movies I’ve seen. I am a nonentity, but she is glad her father is happy. And yet, I hear about her work and her interests and her husband’s as well.
She made a big deal over making one favorite thing for everybody at a recent holiday. But no one asked me what my favorite thing was and it surely wasn’t on the table.
I don’t expect to be besties and I am grateful that we rarely have drama. But I really don’t like being invisible either.
Completely agree, Merry!
Same situation here. I've spent hours and hours and hours of my life over the years listening to SD talk about her work, her friends, her annoyances, her health, her vacations, her husband and his family, etc. All the while, her father and I are expected to sit there without any input, other than to agree and sympathize with her.
But she has expressed zero reciprocal interest in me, and not much more in her father. I've yet to hear her ask how is his work, his health etc. And she has never asked anything at all about me - ever. Not once has she initiated a question to me about my life. Not once. In more than a decade.
I am totally surprised by the
I am totally surprised by the number of posters who want their skid to be interested in them as a person.
I married DH when SS was in his early 20s. I never had any aspirations that SS and I would be close. I would have been ok if it had happened - but I never had any need or desire for SS to be more than “ my husband’s son”.
i have a very full life with lots of friends and family. I truly love my DH’s 4 siblings and their spouses and enjoy a great relationship with each of them. But that’s something that evolved. I’d have been ok if it hadn’t happened.
IT IS SURPRISING, & I Think I Felt That Way Initially Out Of My
love and devotion for DH. If it made him happy, I was all in and wanted that too. When SD decided to short circuit and show her emotional deficiencies, and DH did nothing about it, that destroyed a lot between us and damaged my internal marital compass. Now, I am forced to think of myself first and take care of my needs, as I see nobody else is there to do that, not even DH. It's an evolution of sorts.
MissTexas, sometimes you have
MissTexas, sometimes you have to learn to put you first when no one else will. I think you made the right decision.
Oh many of us wives have figured this one out the hard way.
Just read through the tons of posts in the Adult SK section.
It's a must for self-preservation.
MissTexas, strange thing is I
MissTexas, strange thing is I never knew some adult stepkids were so toxic. I thought as young adults they would be busy building their own lives instead of meddling in others lives. My ex had to be delusional to think I was going to play mother to his selfish, manipulative, toxic adult daughter. Smh
As I've Said Before, Many Of Us Were Not Privy To The
dysfunction until we were well into our marriages.
Yes, the adults are supposed to be busy with their own lives, but always seem to find the time to make dad's marriage their business.
I saw a tshirt one day that read, "Your mother should've swallowed." Maybe that should be the mantra for many SM's here regarding their DH's kids.
Do you think deep down these
Do you think deep down these men know that their daughters are jealous?
Maybe, and that might be part of their insatiable need to run to
them and shelter them. I really don't know.
After SD launched her abuse on me in front of DH, I told him I want nothing to do with her, and as for her abuse of him, I consider it elder abuse, and it hurts me to see him fall prey to it, and recommended he also disengage (as per several counselor's advice). But he finds "excuses" not to:"But I raised her." (Yes, and you did a mighty shitty job. She's a shit-show parade wrapped in human flesh.) And it goes on and on.
Maybe these men have never even considered it. I think they tend to compartmentalize things and they don't go as in depth, or think as analytically as we do. If they did, surely they'd see the manipulation and lies that their darling's inflict upon them.
MissTexas I know that
MissTexas I know that everyone's situation is different. However, how can they not see it when it can be so blatant. I am appalled my ex thought it was ok to bring this piss poor excuse for a human being to be in my life. I'm sure she knew that if she disrespected him like that while I was near by that it would be the end of our relationship if he didn't stand up to her. She made sure I knew how weak he really is. And he had the nerves to lie to try to cover up her behavior. Smh
Notasm3, I agree with you on
Notasm3, I agree with you on how many posters want their step kids to be interested in them as a person. I have never had step kids, but I don't care whether I have a relationship with any man Im in a relationship with adult kids or not. Especially if the adult step kid or kids are awful. I just don't have time for it. I have enough going on in my own life and now that I am older just want to enjoy the rest of the life I have with as little stress as possible. It seems like the guy I recently broke up with was looking for a mother figure for his selfish, manipulative, toxic adult daughter. I definitely wasn't taking that on.
I don’t care if they’re
I don’t care if they’re interested in me or not, although I’m supposed to be interested in them. Eh. I’d just like to not be invisible.
Sure, I add to conversations when we’re together, but usually my comments are ignored or I get “the look”. It’s subtle stuff.
I’m happy being just Dad’s Wife. But I still expect common courtesy.
I don’t care if they’re
I don’t care if they’re interested in me or not, although I’m supposed to be interested in them. Eh. I’d just like to not be invisible.
Sure, I add to conversations when we’re together, but usually my comments are ignored or I get “the look”. It’s subtle stuff.
I’m happy being just Dad’s Wife. But I still expect common courtesy.
We all know that look, don't
We all know that look, don't we? The "how dare you expect to be treated like an actual human and interject a comment into the Presence of the Holy Original Family"?
The best solution for invisibility is just to not go.