The judge in family court STRONGLY recommended co-parenting therapy for BM and DH. Does anyone know what this entails? What is the point and is it usually successful?
The BM in my case has be begging DH to go to co-parenting therapy. They haven't gone. My view, based on my own experience, is that if BM and DH are high-conflict, they are better off following a parallel parenting structure, which means a more detailed plan with few items left to chance or discussion. In my case, BM is high conflict and one thing that has helped us has been to remove as many interactions as possible. For example, we set up DH's child support check, so it is sent to BM automatically from the bank. Previously, he used to deliver it in person, which gave BM opportunities to demand her money early and threaten DH with action even before he missed any payment deadlines. We also limited contact to in writing only and now use Our Family Wizard. Counseling will not help DH and BM, because BM views DH as the only one who needs to change in their situation. She doesn't take responsibility for herself and also wants DH to provide her with emotional support. We've tried to make the relationship between the two of them as transactional as possible and it's helped...at least for us. BM is miserable because she misses having DH as a source of emotional comfort and as a target for her emotional aggressions.
You had one of those too. BM used to send long emails to DH about the struggles she had with parenting or how she felt about such and such related to kids and parenting. He eventually started ignoring those emails and also told her he shows me her emails so she quit.
looked at DH like he was the monster for even suggesting such a thing! Saying DH and BM have a high conflict divorce is an understatement. The problem is the kids are spoiled brats and BM can't handle them BUT refuses to try things DH way. So basically she wants total control of how things are done with "the children" and wants DH to back her up and support her. Sorta like DH sides with her against the kids when they push back regardless what DH feels or wants. So of course she all for co-parenting as she needs the help with this little monsters she created.
Don't know if its because BM is agreeing to co-parenting therapy or we just live in a screwed up state as 'parallel parenting" is REALLY looked down upon.
Wow! Maybe the court should talk to a few counselors. My DH learned what parallel parenting was from the counselor he and BM saw before their divorce. After several joint sessions between DH and BM the counselor told him "divorce would be good for you becuase she's abusing you." The counselor also suggested that he follow a parallel parenting structure post-divorce and that he go for 50/50 custody. When the counselor suggested 50/50 custody, BM stormed out and refused to go to any additional sessions.
We would have preferred zero contact with them but ended up with what pretty much amounted to parallel parenting with the SpermClan. Though before Parallel Parenting was a thing.
If they had been reasonable that would have been even better. But... they weren't capable of being reasonable. So ... we applied the pain.
If they cared for SS appropriately we allowed them to parent as they saw fit when SS was on SpermLand visitation. But.. they didn't so.....
In the early years of the CO and our marriage my bride was determined to work with them under the naive belief that if she gave them whatever they wanted they would not be hard on SS during CO'd visitation. But, you can't expect basic decent human behavior and appopriate care for a child out of toxic animals.
During SS's toddler years we would send him to SpermLand for visitation a happy, talking, clean, well groomed, mostly toilet trained, boisterous little boy. We would get him back weeks later a stanky (B.O. that would gag a maggot), dirty (black goo in his arm pits, around his neck, around his waist, on the inside of his elbows and behind his knees), loaded diaper wearing, puss erupting welts on his butt, diaper rash so bad his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up, non talking, fit pitching waif with half inch long finger and toe nails. As he got older though still as a young child we would get him back a bruised, cut up (his body covered in scratches), sad kid with bite marks in the middle of his back from the SpermIdiot's baby mama #2's prior relationship POS kid who was 5yrs older than SS. That toxic little bastard would beat my SS, threw him out of a second story window into a rose bush while SS was at the SpermIdiot's home, and tormented the kid for the blessedly brief time road whore out of wedlock spawning BM#2 was around.
We made damned sure they suffered for that crap. We had the police/sheriff's department hip deep in their lives with regular wellness checks on SS in their home, cop cars and sheriff's cars outside of their home, at their church, at SpermGrandHag's work, in front of their neighbors, at family events, etc.....
We attempted to have visitation stopped completely but... idiot Fischer-Price wooden hammer wielding Harry Potter robe wearing morons insisted repeatedly that "any child would be blessed to have the love and support of this fine family". Fortunately my bride's life long BFF is the daughter of the former Chief of Police of the town where the CO was ordered who ran and won the office of Sheriff of the county when he retired from the PD. He detests the SpermIdiot and happily had uniformed officers all over the SpermClan when SS was in SpermLand on visitation. Long after the Chief/Sheriff retired the SpermIdiot, and sadly the two youngest out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawn by baby mama #3, is still the object of much attention and observation by the LEO population of SpermLand county. Nothing a dope head gangbanger wannabe and his two youngest follow in daddy's footsteps gun law violating out of wedlock spawn don't deserve.
I am a big proponent of zero contact between X's. Whether they bred together or not. As long as the kids are safe and cared for there is no need for X's to interface.
I’d do hard jail time/go on the run before I would hand over my darling bubba boy to neglectful abusers like the SpermClan. That is so upsetting to read he came back home like that. I may bitch and moan about the hardships of steplife but I love and will always advocate for those without a voice: children and animals.
It was heartbreaking but ultimately we pummelled them into submission and raised our son to be an amazing man of character and standing in his profession and community.
Oh lord you have one of those judges. We had a judge who just loved Meth Mouth, felt she was a poor helpless victim of her choice to abuse drugs. The only smart thing that judge ever did was when Meth Mouth was pushing for group therapy for all of us (her, DH and myself), he told her he could not force grown adults to go to counseling when it was obvious they were not going to work together.
Years ago, if you had an x who was high conflict the other parent would just cut the contact. They wouldn't ask a lawyer they wouldn't get it in a order...They just did it. Some high conflict x's would demand the court tell the no contact parent "MAKE HIM TALK TO ME"....no one can order that so bms were out of luck. Judges know who is the ass whole causing trouble and alienation. Happens most every day in FC.
The parent who decided NO contact anymore...learned quickly that Parenting your kids in your own home when you had them IF you had them, keeping up with teachers, grades, picture day ALL on your own is best with high conflict x.. This Brought much needed peace and finally a sense of normalcy WITHOUT BM harassment, and traumatizing everyone every day or two.
Then, A few years ago some states starting chiming in to this and began to implement suggestions to "PARALLEL parenting" in their guidelines...slowly squeaking in to add their two cents. They need to stay out of it.
Now I read this? I want to believe the Judge has pure intent that maybe, just maybe...a Therapist can turn this around. When your dealing with a x with drugs, alcohol or mental health problems until that parent becomes healthy there is Nothing anyone can do.
*edit to add....early on in the post divorce IF my dh heard this he would of course given the counselor his best because of the kids and because he would not want any Judge to think he wasnt willing to try to keep peace with bm. Fast forward 20 years and that is no joke the case is STILL in court and my dh let go of the rope. He had to our entire family was traumitized by bm and her kids....it was and still is awful. Good Luck---learn to get it that unless a parent is in the wagon going to jail , nothing will ever change. Then after they get out it starts all over again...
Its a shame but more often true than people realize.
If they could work out their differences they'd still be married.
DH has no interest in trying to coparent with Satan. If a Judge ordered it, DH wouldn't go. You can't force grown adults to go to counseling together. Threatened with Contempt, DH would still refuse.
Same with contact. Satan wanted someone to force DH to take her stupid phonecalls. Again, no, not even under threat of Contempt. Fark the consequences. It's not going to happen. No one can force anyone to take abusive phonecalls.
This is a hill to die on.
DH stood up for himself and now doesn't even have to attend mediation with Satan. He has established with The Courts that she is a nutjob.
The BM in my case has be
The BM in my case has be begging DH to go to co-parenting therapy. They haven't gone. My view, based on my own experience, is that if BM and DH are high-conflict, they are better off following a parallel parenting structure, which means a more detailed plan with few items left to chance or discussion. In my case, BM is high conflict and one thing that has helped us has been to remove as many interactions as possible. For example, we set up DH's child support check, so it is sent to BM automatically from the bank. Previously, he used to deliver it in person, which gave BM opportunities to demand her money early and threaten DH with action even before he missed any payment deadlines. We also limited contact to in writing only and now use Our Family Wizard. Counseling will not help DH and BM, because BM views DH as the only one who needs to change in their situation. She doesn't take responsibility for herself and also wants DH to provide her with emotional support. We've tried to make the relationship between the two of them as transactional as possible and it's helped...at least for us. BM is miserable because she misses having DH as a source of emotional comfort and as a target for her emotional aggressions.
You had one of those too. BM
You had one of those too. BM used to send long emails to DH about the struggles she had with parenting or how she felt about such and such related to kids and parenting. He eventually started ignoring those emails and also told her he shows me her emails so she quit.
OMG DH wanted to do parallel parenting BUT the court
looked at DH like he was the monster for even suggesting such a thing! Saying DH and BM have a high conflict divorce is an understatement. The problem is the kids are spoiled brats and BM can't handle them BUT refuses to try things DH way. So basically she wants total control of how things are done with "the children" and wants DH to back her up and support her. Sorta like DH sides with her against the kids when they push back regardless what DH feels or wants. So of course she all for co-parenting as she needs the help with this little monsters she created.
Don't know if its because BM is agreeing to co-parenting therapy or we just live in a screwed up state as 'parallel parenting" is REALLY looked down upon.
Parallel parenting
Wow! Maybe the court should talk to a few counselors. My DH learned what parallel parenting was from the counselor he and BM saw before their divorce. After several joint sessions between DH and BM the counselor told him "divorce would be good for you becuase she's abusing you." The counselor also suggested that he follow a parallel parenting structure post-divorce and that he go for 50/50 custody. When the counselor suggested 50/50 custody, BM stormed out and refused to go to any additional sessions.
Parallel parenting was not yet a thing.
We would have preferred zero contact with them but ended up with what pretty much amounted to parallel parenting with the SpermClan. Though before Parallel Parenting was a thing.
If they had been reasonable that would have been even better. But... they weren't capable of being reasonable. So ... we applied the pain.
If they cared for SS appropriately we allowed them to parent as they saw fit when SS was on SpermLand visitation. But.. they didn't so.....
In the early years of the CO and our marriage my bride was determined to work with them under the naive belief that if she gave them whatever they wanted they would not be hard on SS during CO'd visitation. But, you can't expect basic decent human behavior and appopriate care for a child out of toxic animals.
During SS's toddler years we would send him to SpermLand for visitation a happy, talking, clean, well groomed, mostly toilet trained, boisterous little boy. We would get him back weeks later a stanky (B.O. that would gag a maggot), dirty (black goo in his arm pits, around his neck, around his waist, on the inside of his elbows and behind his knees), loaded diaper wearing, puss erupting welts on his butt, diaper rash so bad his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up, non talking, fit pitching waif with half inch long finger and toe nails. As he got older though still as a young child we would get him back a bruised, cut up (his body covered in scratches), sad kid with bite marks in the middle of his back from the SpermIdiot's baby mama #2's prior relationship POS kid who was 5yrs older than SS. That toxic little bastard would beat my SS, threw him out of a second story window into a rose bush while SS was at the SpermIdiot's home, and tormented the kid for the blessedly brief time road whore out of wedlock spawning BM#2 was around.
We made damned sure they suffered for that crap. We had the police/sheriff's department hip deep in their lives with regular wellness checks on SS in their home, cop cars and sheriff's cars outside of their home, at their church, at SpermGrandHag's work, in front of their neighbors, at family events, etc.....
We attempted to have visitation stopped completely but... idiot Fischer-Price wooden hammer wielding Harry Potter robe wearing morons insisted repeatedly that "any child would be blessed to have the love and support of this fine family". Fortunately my bride's life long BFF is the daughter of the former Chief of Police of the town where the CO was ordered who ran and won the office of Sheriff of the county when he retired from the PD. He detests the SpermIdiot and happily had uniformed officers all over the SpermClan when SS was in SpermLand on visitation. Long after the Chief/Sheriff retired the SpermIdiot, and sadly the two youngest out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawn by baby mama #3, is still the object of much attention and observation by the LEO population of SpermLand county. Nothing a dope head gangbanger wannabe and his two youngest follow in daddy's footsteps gun law violating out of wedlock spawn don't deserve.
I am a big proponent of zero contact between X's. Whether they bred together or not. As long as the kids are safe and cared for there is no need for X's to interface.
Jesus Christ
I’d do hard jail time/go on the run before I would hand over my darling bubba boy to neglectful abusers like the SpermClan. That is so upsetting to read he came back home like that. I may bitch and moan about the hardships of steplife but I love and will always advocate for those without a voice: children and animals.
It was heartbreaking but
It was heartbreaking but ultimately we pummelled them into submission and raised our son to be an amazing man of character and standing in his profession and community.
Oh lord you have one of those
Oh lord you have one of those judges. We had a judge who just loved Meth Mouth, felt she was a poor helpless victim of her choice to abuse drugs. The only smart thing that judge ever did was when Meth Mouth was pushing for group therapy for all of us (her, DH and myself), he told her he could not force grown adults to go to counseling when it was obvious they were not going to work together.
You gotta be kidding...Your
You gotta be kidding...Your serious right?
Years ago, if you had an x who was high conflict the other parent would just cut the contact. They wouldn't ask a lawyer they wouldn't get it in a order...They just did it. Some high conflict x's would demand the court tell the no contact parent "MAKE HIM TALK TO ME"....no one can order that so bms were out of luck. Judges know who is the ass whole causing trouble and alienation. Happens most every day in FC.
The parent who decided NO contact anymore...learned quickly that Parenting your kids in your own home when you had them IF you had them, keeping up with teachers, grades, picture day ALL on your own is best with high conflict x.. This Brought much needed peace and finally a sense of normalcy WITHOUT BM harassment, and traumatizing everyone every day or two.
Then, A few years ago some states starting chiming in to this and began to implement suggestions to "PARALLEL parenting" in their guidelines...slowly squeaking in to add their two cents. They need to stay out of it.
Now I read this? I want to believe the Judge has pure intent that maybe, just maybe...a Therapist can turn this around. When your dealing with a x with drugs, alcohol or mental health problems until that parent becomes healthy there is Nothing anyone can do.
*edit to add....early on in the post divorce IF my dh heard this he would of course given the counselor his best because of the kids and because he would not want any Judge to think he wasnt willing to try to keep peace with bm. Fast forward 20 years and that is no joke the case is STILL in court and my dh let go of the rope. He had to our entire family was traumitized by bm and her kids....it was and still is awful. Good Luck---learn to get it that unless a parent is in the wagon going to jail , nothing will ever change. Then after they get out it starts all over again...
Its a shame but more often true than people realize.
If they could work out their
If they could work out their differences they'd still be married.
DH has no interest in trying to coparent with Satan. If a Judge ordered it, DH wouldn't go. You can't force grown adults to go to counseling together. Threatened with Contempt, DH would still refuse.
Same with contact. Satan wanted someone to force DH to take her stupid phonecalls. Again, no, not even under threat of Contempt. Fark the consequences. It's not going to happen. No one can force anyone to take abusive phonecalls.
This is a hill to die on.
DH stood up for himself and now doesn't even have to attend mediation with Satan. He has established with The Courts that she is a nutjob.