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Am I missing something here....?

Ltutsch's picture

Submitted by Ltutsch on Tue, 09/03/2019 - 8:48pm

Catalyst to text message: 

DH told me to stop coming to him with issues related to parenting SD11 and SS6 because of the “tone I take,” being too negative for him to handle

I told him to stop taking it so personally and take it for what it is, my blunt, straight forward, matter of fact voice  

the talk shit part is me addressing her disrespectful behavior because DH can’t address it  

Text message from my DH:

“I do take it personally any parent would. It’s hard on me when it seems to me your always so negative about the kids. I know their not yours and I know it’s tough but you can’t make a kid feel so shitty about them selves. I know you think Sd11 is older but she’s not and when you talk shit about her when she’s In the other room. She hears that shit. How would that make you feel as a kid like shit I’m sure. All we hear about is bullying and then I feel like she gets bullied at home also. That also doesn’t set a good example for how she treats SS6. Then your on me for everything they do then I treat them like shit. Can’t we just lighting up a little and be a little less stressed. Talk to the kids with a little more compassion and not resentment for them being their. I feel like we have a good life going kids are getting older and we will have more time to spend together.”

 

what am I missing in this message? Anything? Let me know if more context is needed 

Comments

Incon_freaking_ceivable's picture

Submitted by Incon_freaking_... on Tue, 09/03/2019 - 8:57pm

Are we married to the same guy? This reads just like something my unnecessarily guilt -ridden partner would say. "Parenting my bratty children appropriately- how terrifying!"

Ltutsch's picture

Submitted by Ltutsch on Tue, 09/03/2019 - 9:12pm

Ok. Not just me. I can never tell if I’m the one in the wrong or not with DH. It’s terribly confusing and totally insane. I don’t know how much more of this bullsh&@ I can handle 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Tue, 09/03/2019 - 10:08pm

Been there. I just remained firm, polite, no yelling, stuck to my side and we eventually found a middle ground. Along with me disengaged.

Kiwi_koala's picture

Submitted by Kiwi_koala on Tue, 09/03/2019 - 10:17pm

Wow my boyfriend would definitely text something like this. I used to be on his case about the kids all the time. The reason why was because I was the one who was watching them and dealing with their nonsense. I put a stop to it and said if he wasn't here to watch them or if he didn't hire a nanny then he didn't need 40 percent custody lol. That mostly solved my resentment. Naturally he sees them every other weekend now and I'm certainly less stressed.

Lizzylemon's picture

Submitted by Lizzylemon on Tue, 09/03/2019 - 10:29pm

You are not missing anything. Parenting is not bullying. This sounds like my DH except yours can articulate a complete sentence in a text conversation. Whenever I tell my DH to parent SD8 (ie. take a shower, make sure her homework is done, etc) I am “an evil SM.” DH then tells me he feels sorry for my future children. Wtf? Really??!! God forbid he has to tell the kid to do something, dh gets anxious and says he can’t deal with it because he just got home. Well I’m not parenting your kid, so get it together dude! 

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 3:28am

Read:  I don't want you to actually parent them and set appropriate boundaries, rules and guidelines.  Just let the little darlings run feral because they are poor poor babies of divorce.  Pity party for 3 please.

Yeah, NO.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 7:00am

On one hand, I can see where he is coming from. (I'M NOT JUSTIFYING CRAPPY KID BEHAVIOR HERE!)

He is parenting the way he always has. He doesn't have the same irks as you. He is also wired to love his kids with his whole being. He wants to protect them from feeling badly, and at this point he believes that you are causing emotional damage to his kids. I think that if any parent honestly feels and believes that their kids are being damaged by another person, it is our duty to take up for them and help them. 6 and 11 are still young. 

Now, the reality is, you are trying to keep a household where basics like respect, cleanliness, and manners are upheld. You are parenting the only way you know how. You are doing what you feel is right, not only for your house but society at large because you don't want to have more entitled, shitty attitude, jerks turned out to the rest of the world. 

I am sure that your DH wants the same things, he just has a different way of doing it. What I think really needs to happen is one of 2 things. Either work together to find a middle ground where parenting is done properly and you are jointly raising kids that will be ok on their own one day- Independent, educated, hard working and caring people- or you disengage. 

Actions have consequences. So find out what your DH believes these consequences should be. How they should be addressed, who is going to discipline, is that person actually going to follow through, what your role should look like, etc. If he really wants you to step back- do it. Step back and let it fall solely on him. I mean just about everything solely on him. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shuttle services, entertainment ideas- EVERYTHING.

Be the fun "auntie" figure. Do the fun stuff. If the kids are being jerks- High-5 DH, I am out of here, getting a pedi- byyeee! Just don't deal with it. Find something to start occupying your time out of the house or away from them if the kids behavior bothers you. Simply tell your DH that since you aren't allowed to parent the way you see fit, you aren't going to subject yourself to crappy kids. Sorry, you made your bed DH, have fun with that shit. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 7:55am

I agree...

I do think a little context in what her DH is referring to.. and what OP's specific issues with the kids are would be a little helpful.

what he wrote doesn't sound totally out of line... but we don't know HOW out of line the kids are.  I mean, every kid has the capacity to be messy.. or loud.. or truculent... at times.  They aren't perfect all the time.. neither are we.  It is easier being the bio parent that "wanted" these kids to see more of the positive.  It may be that all her DH hears is the negative from her.. instead of the times she says positive things?

Ltutsch's picture

Submitted by Ltutsch on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 8:15am

More context = Labor Day weekend right. 4 days of do whatever you want, while DH works and leaves SM home to parent/discipline/entertain. 

I’m at my wits end by Monday morning. 

Were doing fantasy football draft Monday night  SD11 gets home, I tell her to RUN to get in the already running shower  instead of running, she stomps, and I mean stomp loudly, her feet out of the room, I under my breath say “this f$$&@&$ Kid, I swear” because DH is right there, he heard it too, maybe he’ll address the disrespect  and alas, I’m the one called out for signing. This is the next room sentence he refers too.

Tuesday morning rolls around, I pop in for some coffee and SS6 is crying about the shorts he’s supposed to wear. I head out to garage to find DH and announce, hey your kid is in there bawling, being a whiny baby about clothes, I’m not dealing with it this morning, I’m done with my duties this weekend. 

He snaps, “if I have to hear one more negative thing about these kids......blah, blah, blah”

brings us to the text message sent. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 8:23am

He shouldn't be assuming you will take on "full time parenting" over a long weekend like that.  But.. I now see where he is coming from because both examples you gave you did curse in the first.. and  saying his 6 yo was a whiny baby.. while "true" was probably not the best way to convey that the kid needed his dad's help with getting dressed.  When you curse at/about the kids.. call them names.. the parents WILL get their hackles raised.

And.. yeah.. 11 yo's will be pissy at times...but being abruptly ordered to do things.. can bring that out more.  6 year olds will pitch baby fits about clothes too.. frustrating yes.. but it's absolutely not abnormal for it to happen.

The real issue is your SO is making you parent his kids when you are not really suited to doing that.. you don't have the patience he feels they need.. so you shouldn't be in that role.  It's his responsibility.. not yours.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 9:05am

Exactly. 

There is nothing that you described that isn't in the realm of normal behavior. However, it shouldn't be left up to you to parent all the time (or ever if you don't want to). Kids aren't robots that can't express themselves from time to time.

Stomping vs. turning around and screaming that she didn't want to and she hates you- lesser of evils on things that could have gone down.

A 6 yr old crying because he doesn't like his clothes, yeah, it happens. It happens with teenagers too. There are a lot of feelings in little bodies. 

The kids from what you have described aren't all that bad, pretty normal. However, not having kids of your own and suddenly being expected to parent 24 hrs a day while your DH is out and off doing whatever- isn't your job as his wife. 

Mamamanda123's picture

Submitted by Mamamanda123 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 9:14am

Yes this is very similar to my situation. I think the dads dont want to be bothered with the actual responsibility of being a parent. Normally a mother would just handle it leaving dad to do whatever but these are not our kids maybe if we got treated like a mother should we would act like a mother. I cannot raise a child thats not mine because I cant disicpline like I do mine. So screw it. Ive tried letting dh take over his job as a dad and he gets pissy with me because he doesn't want to do it. If I get on to my sd I'm mean and always negitive well tell her to stop being a brat and I wouldn't have to or if he would parent her either would be nice!! 

Ltutsch's picture

Submitted by Ltutsch on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 9:27am

I find that living in Montana isn’t ideal for SM either because gender roles are very much still a thing. And the SM gets snubbed at school because the community is so small and SM kicker BM out of the picture of course. LOL

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:06am

I'm always surprised that important conversations like this are sent in a text.  Do you two not talk face to face about issues like this?  Yes DH sounds like "fun dad" who doesn't think most things are a big deal.  He likely has always been this kind of parent and probably had the same drama with BM.  

It sounds like you need to completely disengage and turn the parenting back over to DH.  So skid is crying about shorts, "better go ask dad for help" and put in your noise cancelling headphones while you do other things.  

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:09am

SK are only at your home when DH can take care of them. And parent them.  If DH is not home SK are not home.

Ltutsch's picture

Submitted by Ltutsch on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 11:07am

I know. It’s sad. Text messages seem to be the only way to communicate because of severe defensiveness and short tempers when approached face to face. It seriously sucks 

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 11:15am

If you both can't effectively communicate your marriage will suffer greatly. Things get misconstrued via text messages and when it comes to important issues this is not the way to address them. Next time he "texts" you tell him you both can discuss it in person as you won't entertain important conversations via texts.

Let him deal with his kid and remove yourself completely. Trust me he won't have sh!t to complain about because you're disengaged.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 1:37pm

There is no valid reason for treating an a$$hole of any age like they are perfect and wonderful.  When some one is sh*tty they deserve to feel like shit. It’s called consequences. 

FrenchPeas's picture

Submitted by FrenchPeas on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 6:38pm

I would dump him just because he can’t spell worth poop. Dude is a moron and a poor parent. Lmao run and be free!!!