How do you utilize disengagement in your home?
As a means of setting boundaries? As a consequnce of your feelings for your SK? As a means to see if your partner changes their ways? Just to avoid any SK/BM drama at all?
For the first year, I was a lot more involved. I'd actively try to entertain SD when I was with her, much like a paid babysitter would do. Like a parent, I thought about things she might like or need, things to help her/her dad out in terms of her caretaking. I'd have to say I'm a lot more disengaged now. I realized I didn't WANT to do any of those things for her, not bc she's a monster, but bc it's just not my job and there's other things I'd rather be doing with my time. Not to mention entertaining a kid is just soooo exhausting.
So now, if dad isn't actively pulling me into a family activity, I just sit back and do my own thing. He does all the caretaking - making her meals, getting her to/from school, helping her with homework, working with her on reading/math supplements, buying her clothes, managing her oral hygiene. When he asks my opinion, asks for advice, or is looking for backup, I do chime in, but otherwise, I'm not involved. On weekends, if he is not entertaining her, I do not step in to take over. If he wants to sit and watch TV, then I will do my NYT crossword. But if he wants to organize some kind of family activity, whether it be going out somewhere or playing a board game at home, I am usually not opposed to participating. I just don't want to be the cruise director. He probably would like me to be more involved, either to show that I care more or just to take some of the work off his back, but that's just not my comfort level at this moment.
What are your reasons for disengaging, how does it work in your home, what have the results been, and does your engagement level change with time?
I never did. However, it
I never did. However, it works and is effective for many Sparents.
My philosophy was not to disengage. Rather it was to fully engage. I am my bride’s partner and she is mine. That comes before all else including kids regardless of kid biology.
That has made me an equity parent to my SS. I come before the biodad and that clan no matter what.
My bride was all in on this philosophy.
Total engagement has worked us. The Skid, my family, her family and for damned sure the SpermClan have never come before our marriage and each other.
This is a message that my parents raised their sons with. A blended family does not negate this truth.
At least my wife and I have never allowed it to.
Good for you guys for being
Good for you guys for being so committed! Do you/did you have your SK full time?
Full time from 2yo until 18yo
Full time from 2yo until 18yo (SS is now 27. I adopted him at his request when he was 22) other than 7wks of visitation per year with his BioDad's clan. 5Wks summer, 1wk winter, 1 wk spring.
There were several periods when they did not take any visitation for more than a year due to the visitation travel costs. Once it had been a year+ we chose to pay for their visitation travel costs because it was never our intent to punish the Skid or deny him that relationship.
We never lived nearer than 1200 miles to them so the CO included a long distance visitation schedule.
Success
Rags, you nailed the solution.
If we could all be so lucky as to have our spouses have our back.
I have even had a serious, and I say serious, discussion, several times, with DH about separating our marriage from the lives of our grown kids. By this, I mean; "Respect to each other in the presence of others. Discussing our disagreements in privacy, and ALWAYS keeping our marriage private, between the two of us." My DH is totally incapable of any of this. We have been married 39 years, I have been totally disengaged for 7 years. I love disengagement.
I can talk to him, in private, about these issues. He acknowledges that he does these things to me; low and behold he will do it again. He, nor SD58, can refrain from snarky remarks to me. They are a team, when together. DH is better, but will never master it.
My DH is a narcissist, as well as SD58. I have had to totally disengage from it all, leaving my marriage an arrangement, for my benefit, at my age. Not a fun retirement, not a good marriage. My DH is totally disabled. I have chosen to honor my marriage vows and walk away from toxic situations, and care for him.
With all of this said; I have a peaceful, humbling, comfortable life. I have family, friends, and lots of hobbies. I chose to repair myself and am happy with my choices. Each day is what I decide to make it.
Good job Rags.
It depends on the situation
Everything depends on the comfort level of the step parent.
I was in your situation so I did something similar. Why be the parent when they already have two perfectly good ones ?
I do still have occasional movie nights with my stepkids I organize but that's because I want to - not because I'm being pressured to.
Seams like you are disengage . I
DH take care of SD. If you want to join the activity you do if you don’t you do not. As long as your money is not going to pay for SD There not much more you can disengage. Just be careful down the road when SD gets older SK get more expensive. Cars car insurance, college, marriage, wedings. All major money things
Yes, I do worry about that..
Yes, I do worry about that...and worry he won't know how to equally share between SK and any future biokids we may have...
I never engaged with any
I never engaged with any parenting, my DH is a strong parent and he didn't need or want my help. So from the beginning, I was just the fun, supportive aunt type figure, and SS and I have gotten along well since the day we met. I think that me never trying to be an authority or parent him in any way helped with that, and it also helped keep BM from targeting me. It would have never occurred to me to step in and try to be any kind of parent to him, and DH didn't want that, anyway.
What I did have to learn to disengage from was all the chaos with BM and how DH handled that. It took a long time for me to let go of thinking I could fix that stuff. But it was worth the struggle to let it go and accept my inability to fix any of that nonsense.
Yes, I actually think it
Yes, I actually think it helps in our house 2 if there aren't 2 "parents." While SD still has to listen and respect me, I can tell her things much more easily than her dad can. With me, she usually complies w/o complaint...with him, she'll whine and manipulate, and she also takes the things he says much harder as well.
In the very beginning
in a very beginning I did engage totally, this is just my way of doing things. I spent quality time with DH’s boy, used to teach him reading and writing, cooking with him, buying him educational toys or clothes.
I quickly realized that DH was leaving me with his boy and go watch movies with a beer. In addition to that they were all (DH and ILs) complaining about BM’s going out with many men and introducing them all to the boy. I also learned that DH is paying her CS while the boy spends the majority of time with the ILs.
I told my DH that if she is such an easy woman, he should fight in the court and get custody. And I will help with everything in this case. Well, he didn’t want to, maybe was afraid to lose, because other than being a whore the BM is working, not drinking or anything else. I told him in this case you should pay CS to your parents, not to her, simply because the boy doesn’t cost her a penny. He didn’t want it either.
this situation was getting on my nerves and I told him in this case I have nothing to do with the kid. When the kid is coming to our house, I leave and sleep elsewhere. When I see him at IL’s, I do not talk to him other than “hello”, “goodbye” and “go ask your dad”. I do not offer him gifts, never ask for his news etc. I do not consider myself a SP at all, I am my DH’s wife, period.
Yeah seriously, if my partner
Yeah seriously, if my partner himself were more engaged with his kid, I wouldn't be so disengaged, but like you, I don't want to be the babysitter!
Not sure if this is what you
Not sure if this is what you mean but I have spoken to my SO in the early days and said that if the child causes any dramas with lies, steals anything or is rude a instant ban will be in place from the house and he will have to go pick him up spend the day outside alone and come back when he gets dropped off. I’m old school and he knows not to argue lol. Nothing evil every member of society has to be decent when in my house, being a kid don’t get any privileges. So what was also included was any DRAMA from the ex and any attempts of his family trying to force happy families. His mum did have to be taught with 2 refusals to see her as she kept asking for the skid to be there, so both times it was declined and will continue to do so until she asks to see us without the skid. So far a bit simple and is taking a while. Lol.
So mine was to protect my feelings with him having a skid. It avoids drama from the Low EQ BM and we get our free time
Results are: the child is quiet doesn’t steal and think the house is his, he once took sweets from the jar so the jar is now hidden and So knows not to touch It as it is for us for lunches at work etc. Not the kid.