How I see bio parents BS sayings
"My kids come first" - Your marriage should come first, not your kids. This is why your kids act entitled and have issues. They have been upgraded into an adult role that is meant for the and adult, a spouse, etc., not a child. You should also be setting a good example to your children of what marriage is and how to treat your spouse, something you are clearly not doing.
"I have a great relationship with my ex and that is good for our kids" - Let's not pretend. If your relationship with your ex was so great then why did you divorce? This is an excuse not to have boundaries with your ex and allow him/her into your home, your personal conversations, your perosnal lives, etc. and that is something that is wrong if you are now in a relationship with someone else.
"My ex comes into my house because it would be too traumatic for our kids not to allow ex in our home. My partner should be ok with this." There is nothing traumatic about standing at the door or waiting on the driveway. In fact it teaches your kids good boundaries and what happens after divorce. You don't play happy family anymore and your kids won't get the wrong idea about you two either. Also having your ex is your home can get messy. Once your ex is in your home and your child says "Come see my room, come stay for dinner, come play video games with me......etc." What are you going to do? Where do you draw the line without it being "trumatic" ? Also would you be ok with your spouse's ex coming into the home and hanging out with them while your were not there? I didn't think so.
"My partner should love my kids like their own" Studies have shown this is nearly impossible to do with step children. It goes against human nature. Do you love your friends kids, neighbors kids, like your own? I doubt it. That's how it feels being around your partners kids. Even after decades of spending time together this often still does not happen.
"My spouse should pay for/cover the costs of my kid's meals, activities, etc. automatically" There are two people who are responsible for your kids financially. YOU ARE THEIR OTHER BIO PARENT!!! Don't agree with me? The courts see it the exact same way. The step parent is NOT financially responsible for you kids whatsoever. Anytime the step parent pays for your kids meals, activities, and other expense it is because of their own choosing and generosity. It is NOT their obligation to pay for children who are not theirs, who also have two living biological parents.
"My spouse should not discipline my kids" If you expect someone to babysit, help with, be free nanny to, free taxi driver, free cook, teacher etc. to your kids, to have a relationship with your children, be around your children for extended periods of time you better believe they are allowed to discipline them espeically if you do not step up and do it yourself. No one should have to take care of your kids and be around them for extended periods of time yet be exposed to your child's bad behavior and disrespect and not be allowed to do a thing about it. I am not condoning hitting your child. However your partner should be allowed to take away your child's video games, toys, tv time, phones, etc. if they misbehave and are disrespectful. If you do not want them to do this then your better step up and do it first once your kid has been disrespectful towards them or others.
Period dot.
Period dot.
This post is spot in. Thank
This post is spot in. Thank you for posting the favorite post of the day to read.
I really enjoyed this post.
I really enjoyed this post. The kids coming first thing is a joke. It really worked out well for their first marriages didn't it? Also if their kids really do come first then why are they out there dating and having men over? What about the kids????? lol. The reality is "the kids come first" speech is only for use when they need to manipulate a situation or use it against you. For example if they want to hang out with their ex, don't feel like spending time with you because they are too tired or don't have the money, they don't feel like eating where you want to eat but prefer where the kids want to go or do what they want to do you will get the whole "But my kids come first" speech when we all know it is a bunch of BS because if their kids really came first they would not be divorced nor would they be dating until their kids are much older.
One would be hard put to
One would be hard put to disagree with any of this.
I agree with the post
but from perspective of a parent.
Now the partner may expect all these and many other things. He or she may expect us bringing them and their kids a Moon, so what ?
I personally would never try to convince my DH of all these things, I would simply walk away. I love him but I love me more and life is too short to fight around other people’s kids and choices.
Update: when I moved far from the place where DH, at that time a BF used to live close to his boy and ILs, we first were flying to see each other EOW. One day DH told me that we will be doing it for the next 10 years, because he has to stay close to his boy. I told him that I respect and value his choice of sacrificing his life to that boy but I will not be sacrificing mine. And I broke up, telling him that our story is going nowhere.
Well, he came to my place with real propositions about how HE is planning to fly to see his kid, while living with me. For me our story was over and even now l, having a common child, I am ready to walk away at any time, because I refuse to waste my only life for any additional drama.
My DH initially said his son
My DH initially said his son would always come first, but he didn't mean that in a "and your needs will never matter" way. And in the end, I was the one who stood by his when his son was alienated, and I most certainly come first now.
He never said any of other stuff. And I never parents his kid in any way, so disciplining him wasn't necessary because DH took care of it himself.
The whole who comes 1st thing
The whole who comes 1st thing actually came up on our first date. His ex was the type who thinks a marriage is "on hold" while your kids are in the home.
We both made it abundantly clear to each other that we both view the hierarchy of relationships as God, Spouse, Children, Our parents/in-laws, then other extended family. That view was a deal breaker for both of us, neither was was willing to have it any other way.
My experience is any
My experience is any situation where your kids, in laws, etc. take priority over your spouse it will ultimately end in divorce or years of unhappiness and resentment if you decide to stay together.
Priority and responsibility
Priority and responsibility are two different things. Marriage and spouses are the only top priority. Kids are the top responsibility.
That nuance is important. And IMHO is the key to both a quality marriage and quality parenting.
about the EX thing....
My ex and I do get a long...sorta. Sometimes I would do better by banging my head against the wall. He is my ex for a reason.
We did pull our heads out of our rears about 6months after we seperated as a married couple and decided to wave the white flags, agree to 50 50 shared equal custody and zero support. The kids have thanked us ....and this is the truth. He is a good dad and decent guy..or I would not have picked him in the first place.
What does putting your
What does putting your partner first look like? We have skids EOW, that's 4 days a month. So us and our 5 month old baby are together every day, we are a family everyday while skids are not part of it most of the time (no communication aside from those two weekdns a month). The way I see it the three of us should come first but not sure what that is supposed to be like practically?
Yeah, that is really the
Yeah, that is really the issue: What is meant by "family"? Nonsteps may tend to look at it like SM is some hussy who is intruding on this other "innocent" family of divorce, but, for one thing, SMs come in all shapes and sizes. There is the initial family of BM and her ex-husband, then there may be BM and her new husband and an "ours" child or two from them and DH and his new wife and an "ours" child or two there as well. Meanwhile, the new wife or husband may have children from a previous marriage or marriages that they are bringing into the new home/ family fold as well.
It should be obvious to pretty much anyone nowadays that any initial family does not just automatically equal THE one and only real family forever and ever. I know of one bride who had four couples stand up for her when the minister asked, "Who gives the bride away?" Long story, but it goes to show that the term "family" is and can be very flexible and does not necessarily follow DNA alone. That is why it is important to stress showing respect for all family members, extended or not, whether long-term SOs, newlywed, remarriage, connected by DNA or not vs. just going by DNA alone. Like you say, if someone says, "Kids first" or "family first," many people would have to then ask or ponder, "Which ones and with whom?"
This post is great!
This post is great!
I had the "love them like your own" chat with a friend the other day. And used this is an extreme example. If my step-kid and bio-kid were both hanging off a cliff and I needed both hands to save one....which do you think I'm going with???