First weekend staying over with SD5

Hi everyone, so glad i came across this website !!! I was looking for some pediatric articles about step-parenting since I was feeling very bad about SD5 driving me crazy..

We have been together with BF for 2 years now. I will refer to his kid as SD5 here even though we are not married, since it’s easier. I’ve known her for 1,5 years now. She was 3,5 years old when we first met and we didn’t see each other much until this year. BM and BF have shared custody and I was visiting when she was not around. First time we met, it was only for a few hours during the day and i would say it went pretty smooth. Maybe because I play with her a lot and am good with kids in general or Maybe because she was not old enough to understand what was going on. After that, we only saw each other when BM changed plans for the weekends she was to have the kid, or when BM was out of town etc. This peaceful situation took a turn when me and my BF decided to take a step into a more serious relationship. We agreed that SD and I would spend more time together to get used to each other.

Before the first weekend we spent together, BF was a bit more nervous than I was. I told him I was OK, it would be alright, i wouldnt leave him because of a weekend with his daughter etc. I dont have a kid of my own and am considerably younger than BM and i did not realise it until he told me that he had 2 reasons for this weekend to go wrong 1-SD wouldnt like his GF and 2-GF wouldnt like SD..

I never thought that I wouldnt like her, I was just thinking what if she doesnt like me? I was so confident that I would love her and will willingly take care of her. Never knew she could make it very, very difficult.

WHAT. AN. IDIOT. I. WAS.

anyway, first day went OK until dinner. SD didnt like to eat the food i made and was cranky about it all the time during dinner. She refused to eat and started to cry saying she wants the cake in the fridge. BF tried to explain her she needed to eat the food first for the cake. Guess what? He handed over the cake to her 10 min later ! This incident affected me deeper than i thought it would.. We all know she likes the food i make since she ate it before when i wasnt around. So the problem here was me being there at the dinner table. Her, her Papa and me. Not her mom. And i found it so difficult to be the person in the room that was not wanted by a 5 years old. Any advice to cope with the feeling ??

I had asked BF about the sleeping arrangement he was thinking for the weekend, since he sleeps with his daughter when I am not there, and sleeps with me when I am staying over and SD is not there. I knew SD would not sleep alone so i told BF that it was OK if she slept with us. I thought i was being understanding and nice letting the kid into our bed.

WHAT. AN. IDIOT. I. WAS.

BF told me that it was too soon for us to sleep all together, that SD wouldnt feel okay about it and that i should sleep in the other room and that he would come sleep with me after SD falls asleep, and would go back in the morning before she wakes up. Although I found this quite awkward, I didnt say anything about it.

Anyone else in the same situation ??

Anyway, we both were surprised when SD wanted me in bed too when the bed time arrived. We all snuggled and BF read a book for her and when we were about to sleep, SD started saying the bed was too small and too crowded (this little brat thinks she can manipulate people by saying things like that). Of course this was because she didnt want me in the bed and not because the bed was not king size. Guess what BF thinks it is about ?!!

Through the weekend, she started to realize her Papa and I love each other and are together. After this first weekend she started becoming very jealous and saying things like Papa doesnt love her but he loves me etc.

For the record, we are not kissing or being intimate in front of her, she only sees us watching tv together, talking to each other or hugging each other from time to time. After that we decided to be more careful around her and show less affection which has been a bummer for my BF since he keeps saying he wants to show his daughter how 2 people in love in a loving house seems like. But his daughter doesnt want to see that you can guess.

Yet, she sneaks up on me when BF is not looking and tells me that she is the one Papa loves the most. I dont know what to respond and tell her yes, she is indeed the one and will always be and that noone could ever come between but Papa might love other people too like me or like his family.

Still she is not satisfied and keeps telling me that.. ı dont know what to do.. after that first weekend she didnt want me in bed ever and they still sleep together sometimes in our bed sometimes in SD’s bed.. BF sees nothing weird about this and doesnt want to leave SD5 sleep alone. She would make a tantrum anyway..

I read a lot of posts here, but still I dont see it repulsive that SD sleeps with us. I am totally OK with it. What I am not OK with is that I am kicked out of the room by the will of a 5 years old, while i am welcoming her with open arms..

BF needs to see it and I will definitely confront him about this. I even made a list of the things I want to talk about and will post it here under another post to get some advice from you !! And of course to inspire others that are in the same situation and want to confront.

You cant imagine how much this website has made me feel better. It really really helped to see that it was not about me that this kid behaves the way she does. Thanks to you who share it, I found out that evryone is going through the same stuff, if not worse..

Thank you all for reading and sharing your stories. Your valuable advices and experiences would highly be appreciated !!

SD5 jealous weekend

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Sleep in bed with a stepchild

Sleep in bed with a stepchild is asking for trouble. You are opening the door for BM to make a false child abuse allegation.

Tell your boyfriend that the two of you will sleep in the same bed, WITHOUT HIS KID, or you will not sleep over at all. When you say it, mean it and stick to it.

To be clear, I do not think there is anything wrong with PARENTS cosleeping with their children. I think it's risky for step parents to cosleep with SKs. I think it's wrong for a SO to put his mate out of the bed in order to please his child.

This

Thank you all for reading

Thank you all for reading this post and commenting !!

Disneyfan, I never thought it could be risky.. thanks for pointing it out. Like i said, i will confront with BF about it. Even though I find it okay, you are right that it is risky !

For the record, he is trying to make SD sleep in her bed. But if you ask me they are not making any progress since they sleep in our bed when I am not around.

I dont know if this is frustrating because I dont have my own kid, or is it to everyone out there. I sometimes think maybe I too wouldnt like to let my kid sleep alone while I am sleeping with my BF. I thought the guilty parent phase was over 3 years after the divorce but I think it is still with us when it comes to sleeping arrangements.. but I also know that if I not point it out, no problem would solve itself so I would just continue to be angry and be the bad guy all the time.

Thanks for the comment !!

Yeah, he probably just needs

Yeah, he probably just needs to remain single.

He seems to cater to a 5 year old, you will never come first.

My experience was much different, my SD was the child (she was 5 when we got together) and we were the adults. We slept together, she did not sleep with us, and she certainly did not kick me out of MY bed. My husband has NEVER shown me less affection because his daugher was here. She did not run things.

No, it's not about you, it's about your BF, the status he gives his daughter, and what he allows. Don't be so sure that any of that will ever change.

I dont expect him to put me

I dont expect him to put me first. I am no parent but if you ask me, no parent should put their partner first and their kids second. Thats just not right. But you are right that the kid should not run things in the house.. I will tell BF that he lets SD run the house and that this will lead to more serious problems later on. He should let her know her place. I know he doesnt want to be the bad parent and doesnt want to go too harsh on the kid since they are divorced but he has to.

Thanks for the comment !

Of course he should put you

Of course he should put you first. Do you want to be in a situation where what a child wants comes before what you need? That's what you have now and it's awful, isn't it? Didn't your parents put each other first over the kids? It doesn't change just because of divorce. Don't fall into the line of thinking that the kid comes first just because her parents aren't together. You aren't asking him to choose - you are asking him to set up the proper hierarchy in the home, with the adults on top.

This changed my point of view

This changed my point of view.. thank you for the comment

Please honor this giant red

Please honor this giant red flag that is waving in your face. Your BF thinks it's JUST FINE to let his daughter kick you out of bed (and eww, don't agree to sleep with her, it's inappropriate to sleep with a child you aren't related to), and it's JUST FINE for her to say rude things to you, such as "Papa will always love me more."

You are calling her a "brat", but she only has power because she is sitting on your boyfriend's shoulders, where he has elevated her to higher status than even he has.

I for one would not spend another night in his home when SD was there unless he saw how inappropriate all of this is, and started parenting his child. Yes, some adjustment is to be expected, but he needs to not let her be in charge of everything, or be rude to you.

The problem is BF doesnt see

The problem is BF doesnt see she acts rude or he doesnt understand it. They talk in another language that i dont understand and the kid talks the local language to me that BF doesnt fully understand. For now, i am taking this into considiration that he is just not aware of the situation. Not sure if things would be any different if we all speak the same language though. I will try to make him understand that there is a serious problem with his daughters behaviour to me and if he doesnt get it, it just wont work.

Thanks for the comment !!

You have to tell him then -

You have to tell him then - wouldn't you want to know if your child was being rude to someone in a language you didn't understand?

If he were a good parent, he would insist she speak the language he understands in his home so he can monitor what she says. She's only 5.

"If he were a good parent, he

"If he were a good parent, he would insist she speak the language he understands in his home so he can monitor what she says. She's only 5."

It is kinda more complicated than that. The kid can not talk dad's language to me since I do not speak it.

Anyway, I will make sure that BF gets it that her behaviour is rude to me even though he doesnt completely understand the words she is using.

Thanks,

Advice: have a serious talk

Advice: have a serious talk with your boyfriend about boundaries and buy him a parenting book. You do not want to get in the middle of a certain mess...and be blamed for being the bad guy because YOU have normal boundaries.

If your boyfriend cannot sit down and have a fight-free discussion about parenting...you have more issues than just your SD.

Agree with others, the problem is not your SD but her father, and potentially mother.

This is exactly what I

This is exactly what I thought I should do after reading some posts here. Without this website, I would have kept my mouth shut and tell myself that it was not my business how he likes to parent. But i saw it here how bigger problems these behaviours could lead to and that I should be able to talk to my BF about it and we should be on the same page.

I made a list of things I would like to address during this talk and put it on writing as gently as possible. I told him that we were going to have a serious talk and i told him when. So there is no way I can avoid this conversation.

Will share the list and how it went after the talk ! Thanks for the comment !!

This is not going to end well

This is not going to end well unless your boyfriend makes some signficant changes very soon. HE is the problem, not the child.

I agree with others who said do NOT sleep in the same bed with the child and DO NOT sleep over at BF's place if you're not going to be sleeping with him like you always do. You cannot let yourself be displaced by his daughter - that sets a terrible precedent and one that will be difficult to change. And frankly, if you're not welcome to warm his bed when his daughter is around, I wouldn't be warming his bed at any other time, either.

Dont waste your time or you

Dont waste your time or you will end up a bitter 46 year old woman, like me.

I think you are right about

I think you are right about the fact that he should make some things clear by talking to her.

But I love him and will not end it because he has a daughter with shared custody. That's how you let kids hold you emotionally hostage. He is worth everything in my eyes but as I said in the previous comments, the talk will have huge impact on how things will be after this point. I am not blindly surrendering :)

Thanks for the comment !!

Take some time and read the posts on this board

SD will do her best to break you up. She whant her BM and BF back together with you jotbinnthe picture. SD is taking over the power and control in your relationship. She gets to call sleeping arrangements, what food is to be made ect. You have to come first in the relationship. Not the child. The child can be taken care of and become a real person being second. As in a normal family.

This is why I am going to

This is why I am going to have a talk with BF and try to make him understand her behaviour and how deep it affects me.

thanks for commenting !

OK, wow you have a lot going

OK, wow you have a lot going on here.

I think that if you are in this to stay you are going to have to take this cake and eat it one bite at a time.

The sleeping arrangements change immediately. This is one of the hardest things that I see people on here trying to break. Thankfully this was NEVER my DH, so I didn't have to deal with it. SD needs to sleep in her own room. If your BF can't do that one simple thing, end the relationship now. I realized that this sounds like a silly thing to end a relationship over, but trust me. If there are no boundaries and SD sees herself as your equal, which she will since she has her own spot in your bed, you will never survive this. She and He will eat you up and spit you out and you will think the whole time that something is wrong with you.
The food thing isn't a hill I would die on. HOWEVER- you and BF need to come up with "alternative" dinner. She doesn't like your food (while you are there), fine- Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No dessert. As long as you aren't expecting a young child to eat poached salmon and boiled Brussel sprouts- she really should be eating dinner that is served. I am sure that you are making family friendly meals and foods that you know she enjoys. If she is just being spiteful, she gets a PB&J.
SD is going to get jealous. She is going to get angry. You are the physical representation that her parents won't get back together. Most kids grow out of this. They see that SM is a nice lady, they see daddy is happy and they accept it. However, not all do. Hence, Stalk! Where we come and we vent. You just have to figure out if SD is going to make your life hell, or if she is able to be dealt with and you guys are able to come together and be a family.

thank you so much for the

thank you so much for the helpful comments !

I do think SD likes me as much as she could. We play together, go to the park together, sometimes Papa is with us, sometimes he is not. She even asks for me when i am not around so i think she has started to acknowledge my presence. One day when BF was picking her up, she even asked for me in front of BM. she does want t spend time with me until she remembers that I am with her Papa. Then she starts to do annoying stuffs especially as the bedtime gets closer. Then the next day we are okay again.

I am guessing she is struggling with the fact that she wants to like me as a person, but doesnt want to like me when she feels like i am replacing her mom. I guess i ll just have to do my best to be a good SM.

**Mind you, I am not babysitting when he is not in the house. I like to play with SD while BF rests or deals with something at home. and he does the same for me. He often tells me that it is OK if I want to leave or he'd understand if its been too many hours with her etc.He is so helpful about it I cant believe why he thought it was funny about the food. I am guessing he is just too naiive to realise that the sleeping arrangement is a huge problem on my side. Hence i am going to let him know about this.

You are going to have trial

You are going to have trial and error when it comes to what your life with SD will look like. Only you will know what feels right and none of us are in your home or in your shoes. Our stories might be similar but there are too many variables at play when you are talking about people. Do what feels right (even if that is babysitting), but don't become a doormat or be afraid to speak up and say "Hey, BF- I don't like the position I am in. This is more bad than good, you need a new plan for your daughter!"

Like you said, she wants to like you but feels like she is betraying her mother by doing so. Maybe one day you can say to her- "SD, it really is ok to like me. I am not here to take mommy's spot in your heart. I am sure there is a little space in there just for me too, that won't take away from her. You sure have a big space in my heart."

You sound like a really nice

You sound like a really nice person who is in no way selfish and you seem to want the best for the child. Unfortunately you're a Disney dad's dream.

Sometimes you have to be selfish. Leaving you in a bed on your own to go sleep with his 5 year old is bizarre to me. You're in an adult relationship and you should not have to sacrifice having your man in your bed.

I think your oh is very lucky to have you, you're way more understanding than I could ever be to the situation and you're owed alot more than feeling like the one who's not wanted there. It's time he got strict with his dd, you say she likes you so I think these problems could be easily sorted, she's only 5 after all. But the only person who has the power to make things better is your oh and with a little bit of effort from him it probably wouldn't even take long.

thank you so much for

thank you so much for commenting !

I will try to sort things out with BF and will do my best.. I will post it here after :)

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First weekend staying over with SD5

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