1. Meeting her won't change a thing
2. She has absolutely no say about what happens on his time with his kids
3. She's a control freak, until he stands up for himself things are never going to change

It's not necessary to have contact with BM and thank your lucky stars that you don't as she exhibits some toxic traits. This will persist until your BF stands up for himself and lets her know that she doesn't get to dictate what goes on in his home and who rides in his car. Expect a lifetime of this and more chaos if your BF doesn't take control of the situation and nip it in the bud.

Who is it that you want to be treated better by, your boyfriend, BM or both?  You do realize that you can't control how she treats him or you by extention, right?  You say you don't get involved yet BF is sharing all of BM's texts with you. She is indirectly communicating with you through him, you're involved and complying with her instructions so as not to rock the boat. 

He's allowing her to control everything because it's easier for him than actually confronting her. You're allowing yourself to be controlled as well because you don't want to lose him. You say:

Me and my BF get along really good and never fight at all. 

The reason you don't fight is because you're avoiding the real issues and not having a meaningful converstion about it.  You're being treated like an invisible nanny and your boyfriend is onboard with it. As long as you keep sweet and continue fulfilling bf's parental duties for him and kow towing to BM's demands everything is okay.  

BM doesn't have to meet and approve of you. You don't have to keep proving what a great mother you were to your 3 grown children by taking on the daily grind of someone else's family.  

You say you're not trying to be a second mom but cooking, taking them to fun places, doing their hair, sleeping in the same room as them, and driving them places, sounds a lot like parenting or unpaid babysitting to me.  This really isn't about BM or BF at all. It's about you and why you've put yourself in a situation where you are trying to prove your worth by parenting other peoples kids for validation.

I just want to be treated better. 

Then treat yourself better, stop being a doormat!  

This is all about control. BM is competing with you to see if she can get your BF to listen to her over you or place her desires above yours. She's trying to send the message that she is still in charge of him and you'll always be an outsider. 

If your BF is either unwilling or unable to put up some boundaries then you should leave him. Living in a step-family is difficult enought, living in a step-family without boundaries is misery. 

Be glad that BM doesn't want to know you, that is not a bad thing.

However, she has no business dictating what goes on in your home, like whose hair you can and cannot braid, nor if you ride in the car for drop offs or not.

Your BF has court ordered visitation, she cannot legally withould the kids from him. He needs to know his rights, let her know that he knows his rights, and stand up to her or she will forever "run everything".

keep riding in the car to pick up/drop off....get a convertable if you can so that she can see you better....actually you just do the drop with the music blaring and you and the little dancing and singing.......leave your man at home. Braid the girls hair...dye it purple if you get the chance.....have huge big deal sleepover parties  with the girl in YOUR room when she is there.

I've had enough of these crazy ass BM's.....ignore BM at all costs....she doesn't exisit to you  and has zero relevance in your life. Don't meet her....ever.....not for one second.

Welcome to step talk.

Strap in---it is a wild ride.

Glad your found us. Hopefully we can give you some peace of mind.

Be careful...bm may start telling your boyfriend that YOU can not go to public activities or public school events.  She can not do that.

If you plan on staying, get a copy of Say Goodbye To Crazy.  It is invaluable.

Consider yourself lucky. Why does she need to know you or meet you? 

This isn't going to be one big happy friendship with BM

I have been married to hubby for five years and have yet to meet ss mom - and i'm ok with that. I don't want to be in the middle of that crap - hubby can handle things or not - it's his call. His son - his call. I don't want a relationship with her whatsoever!!!!

Why care about the feelings or desires of this toxic breeder of a BM?  

There are many SParents who have never met or spoken with their SO's X breeding partner who are decades into their life as SParents.

I raised my SS-27 as my own since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.  I can count on less than the fingers of one hand the number of times I have ever interfaced with the Spermidiot.  Most of those interaces were in court countering the toxic manipulations of the SpermClan.

What the SpermClan felt, thought, said, or wanted I never gave a shit about.   My job was to raise my SS, provide for and protect his best interests and have my brides back in doing those things.

Since this BM has proven herself toxic, IMHO your focus has to be on the Skid and you shouldn't care about the toxic BM.

You can't force her to interface with you or to be reasonable. All you can do is partner with your SO to raise the Skids to be a viable adults and to protect them from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.

Good luck.

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years , since his kids were 1 and 2.  The kids dont remember their parents being together , only me with their dad. I had been with him throughout most of his nasty divorce which was final last December.  We have the kids on a 60/40 split giving us Thursday nigh, Friday, Sat and every other Sunday.  In the beginning of our relationship it was reversed.  We pick up the kids and take them to school enduring an hours drive because she moved out of town.  We participate in school events, go on vacations and do lots of fun things that a family do.  Now here is the issue:  Bio Mom.  She has never liked me and has always been jealous of our relationship.  In the past I have tried to be nice but she is so mean that I stopped trying.  It is always something with her, lately she stopped me ordering books from their school fund raiser, was upset that I attended a birthday party and I wont answer her relentless calls to my phone to talk to the kids.  She yelled at me in front of the kids as I tried to tell her that her daughter was up sick all night.  She will only email her X, no phone calls or texts allowed.  I watch the girls overnight when their dad works , is it crazy to want to give her an update when she picks up in the morning.  Now she is not giving us birthday party information so we can contact families to accept or deny.  She wants control over the situation.  We are just trying to be a family when we have the girls, never disrespting their mother but wanting our time according to the divorce settlement.  Dad has requested numerous times for her to stop calling and we will call nightly, but she insists on calling  my phone 4X a day as well as his.  When do we get some sort of separation and get to live as a family?  Dad does not call when the kids are with mom or go on field trips or volunteer in school during her time.  He does not want to overstep on her parenting time, so why does she continue to feel it necessary to do it on ours.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Our house should not be so stressful every weekend....Should it????      Thanks

Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH (or BF) = step hell.  You are not doing anything wrong, mom and dad are.  If you want to see your future, read above.  

Note: I would add that no matter what, mom and dad will come out smelling like a rose, particularly BM.  They will be forgiven time and time again by their own children, relatives, the court system, society in general, all.  Step-parents, however, have no one on their side, other than maybe, just maybe, another step-parent.  Thus, BM could be the most manipulative, controlling person in the world, and she'll be excused for it because she is a BM.  Your DH or BF could be the most mamby-pamby man on the planet, giving into every one of BM's demands, and the rest of society will be excuse him for it, because, "He's just doing what every divorced man is supposed to be doing--kowtowing to his ex."  A/k/a, he'll be seen as a good dad.  

Then, SM comes along. . .   Do you think for one minute she is going to win/ gain anything, even the smallest iota of appreciation for assisting in caring for someone else's child?  Absolutely not.  Do you think it is even going to matter if BM and DH are sucky parents and SM is actually a pretty darn good one?  Absolutely not.  The only way a SM ever really gets along with the bios, her SKs is if mom has no issue with SM and gives "permission," so to speak, for the kids to have a relationship with her, and if SM's DH or BF truly knows how to parent and inisists that his children see SM as his SO or wife vs. the family lackey.  That is what it takes.

No CO = BM in control of his parenting time.. and your life. She has the control of his currency.. his kids. That's a dangerous scenario.