Hi everyone. I'm writing for advice on how to treat SD4. SO & I have a 6-month old son. SD4's BM is very ill with cancer & so SD4 is living with us most of the time. She is an innocent girl but has so many negative habits - created by a combination of her mother never wanting her - she saw her even less when she was perfectly healthy; guilty-Daddy over-attention, an absolute lack of security and structure in her life since her parents split two years ago, and many questionable parenting decisions (in my humbleopinion). For example, she has been exposed to four languages since the day she was born - BM spoke Russian to her, BF Albanian, the two biological parents spoke German to each other, and she lives in an English-speaking country - and as such cannot speak any language competently.

She is very, very attached to her dad - so much that he and I never ever have a moment to ourselves - she is always present for every conversation - at her dad's side, literally, and he will not tell her to go and play, etc. Her bedtime is the same as ours, as he refuses to put her to bed earlier.
If you set her up with a game, crafts, etc, she will do it as long as you are there with her, but if you move into a different room she will follow you.
She had terribly annoying habits such as inappropriate, long staring at me when I'm speaking to her father -- and he gets angry at me if I ask her to stop staring. She also repeats, verbatim, everything I say when I'm talking to him - literally as we are speaking to each other - and ignores her dad's requests to stop. She copies my posture - if I have my arms crossed she mimics it, if I change position she does too.
She's also about twice the height of a typical four year old, and the image of her BM, whos not exactly blessed with good looks - and so I find it hard to see any kind of cuteness in her.

Her constant presence is draining for me - SO doesn't have the motivation to organise date nights, etc, and would be offended if I did - so that we have no time except after 11pm when she's not there. She's the first thing I see in the morning too, as she appears at our bedside.

My family & extended family have worked with children all their lives as teachers, and empathise with me in saying that she is a very strange and very annoying child - not due to any fault of her own, but the very questionable parenting she has received, the lack of a mother in her life, etc.

The problem is that my resentment at her constant presence regretfully causes me to have not infrequent outbursts of anger at my SO. I resent that he leaves me to look after our son so much when I need more help. I resent that we have no romance together. He is a fabulous man but can't take any advice on parenting, and turns on me if I ever express criticism of his parenting or of his daughter's habits. He brings our entire relationship into question, says we cannot connect, that I have no empathy.

He rightfully senses that no one wants his daughter around (in their hearts; this is not said, of course), and despairs at this, but is unwilling to take any constructive action to shape the situation in a better way. He tries to keep SD from her BM as he feels she is treated badly by her.

Meanwhile we have a beautiful little baby boy who is an absolute darling, and neglected by his dad.

I don't want to leave my SO; for our son's sake, because I love him, and also because I could never forgive myself for not trying harder.

I am trying so much on a daily basis to be as nice as possibld to S4 but I fail frequently.

Any advice on how to build a liking for this child would be really appreciated. SO responds well when I manage to show something resembling love for her. But it is such a huge challenge for me. And I can't fake it 24/7.